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[ANSI] Today's Deep Thought by Jack Handey

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jun 14 09:51:37 2022

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by Jack Handey
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Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer
right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops
a good, lucky feeling. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jun 15 09:49:54 2022

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by Jack Handey
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What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's
right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather,
you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give an
honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison
feather?
��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jun 16 00:02:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a
whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on
some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in
it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man." ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Oct 25 11:34:44 2022

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by Jack Handey
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There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage,
he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage,
he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down
some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then
"skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Oct 26 19:07:30 2022

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by Jack Handey
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There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage,
he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage,
he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down
some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then
"skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Oct 27 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage,
he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage,
he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down
some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then
"skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Oct 28 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage,
he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage,
he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down
some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then
"skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Oct 28 20:09:20 2022

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by Jack Handey
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Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that
it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta.
Grow up.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Oct 29 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that
it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta.
Grow up.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Oct 30 01:00:15 2022

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by Jack Handey
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Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that
it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta.
Grow up.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Oct 31 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that
it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta.
Grow up.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Oct 31 10:59:38 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a
six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way,
if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.
He's carrying a soldering iron " and started laughing, I
could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real
quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering
iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
drink.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Nov 1 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a
six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way,
if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.
He's carrying a soldering iron " and started laughing, I
could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real
quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering
iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
drink.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Nov 2 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a
six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way,
if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.
He's carrying a soldering iron " and started laughing, I
could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real
quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering
iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
drink.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Nov 3 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a
six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way,
if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.
He's carrying a soldering iron " and started laughing, I
could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real
quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering
iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
drink.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Nov 4 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a
six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way,
if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.
He's carrying a soldering iron " and started laughing, I
could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real
quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering
iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
drink.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Nov 5 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a
six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way,
if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.
He's carrying a soldering iron " and started laughing, I
could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real
quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering
iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
drink.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Nov 6 01:00:06 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a
six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way,
if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.
He's carrying a soldering iron " and started laughing, I
could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real
quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering
iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
drink.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Nov 7 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a
six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way,
if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.
He's carrying a soldering iron " and started laughing, I
could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real
quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering
iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
drink.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Nov 8 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer
right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops
a good, lucky feeling. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Nov 9 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is
actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting
from the previous flap? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Nov 10 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If I could come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite
thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash
you, ick , you're all over their lip ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Nov 11 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If you're travelling in a time machine, and you're eating
corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things
one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to
make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Nov 12 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I
don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's
just too rich a subject. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Nov 13 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a
lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still
be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Nov 14 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just
sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Nov 15 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-
appointed psychiatrist is our "friend." ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Nov 16 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet
bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes
are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do
this, but my God, we've got to try something. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Nov 17 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest
thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel
right off. You see, we _build_ to that. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Nov 18 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call
it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for
tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey
with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit
tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a
tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Nov 19 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just
want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and
gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am
beautiful.
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--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Nov 20 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should
be considered an enemy planet. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Nov 21 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that
big of a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're
probably not going to find a swan that looks that much
better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Nov 22 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the
lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Nov 23 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Nov 24 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth
part of the face. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Dec 8 01:00:02 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play
within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold
on for the ride of your life. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Dec 9 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down,
I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh
too, because come on, life is funny. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Dec 10 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut,
people around the world all want the same thing: a better
house.
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--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Dec 11 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of
the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't
understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Dec 12 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto
someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off,
I have to laugh, because what IS that thing? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Dec 13 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I
knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said.
"I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said the Coach, "you
never were really _on_ the team. You made that uniform
you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a
toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either
steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you
try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all
true what he was saying. And yes, I thought, something is
brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in
me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's
when I felt the handcuffs go on. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Dec 14 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I
knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said.
"I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said the Coach, "you
never were really _on_ the team. You made that uniform
you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a
toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either
steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you
try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all
true what he was saying. And yes, I thought, something is
brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in
me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's
when I felt the handcuffs go on. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Dec 15 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than
some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long
stick.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Dec 16 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy
gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes
shooting out, riding on water skis. How do they do that? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Dec 17 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy
gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes
shooting out, riding on water skis. How do they do that? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Dec 18 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Dec 19 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they
live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a
new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are
thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Dec 20 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a
big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole
person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a
little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a
person, because it would be too small. But there's a little
doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy--
something like that. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Dec 21 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how
about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when
you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it
lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the
front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is
check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and
numbers to see who is asking the question. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Dec 22 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me
if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth,
or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh.
Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing
he would forget what he asked me. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Dec 23 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
��
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me
if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth,
or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh.
Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing
he would forget what he asked me. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Dec 24 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to
tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is
crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because
of something you did." ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Dec 25 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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The memories of my family outings are still a source of
strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car--I
forget what kind it was--and drive and drive. I'm not sure
where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think
we went home. I guess some things never leave you. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Dec 27 10:27:43 2022

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by Jack Handey
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The memories of my family outings are still a source of
strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car--I
forget what kind it was--and drive and drive. I'm not sure
where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think
we went home. I guess some things never leave you. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Dec 28 09:15:51 2022

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by Jack Handey
��
The memories of my family outings are still a source of
strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car--I
forget what kind it was--and drive and drive. I'm not sure
where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think
we went home. I guess some things never leave you. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Dec 29 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
��
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me
quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my
own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was
only later that I discovered they were not Indians after all,
but dirty clothes hampers. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Dec 30 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to
laugh at that man. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Dec 31 01:00:00 2022

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by Jack Handey
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I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I
knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said.
"I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said the Coach, "you
never were really _on_ the team. You made that uniform
you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a
toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either
steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you
try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all
true what he was saying. And yes, I thought, something is
brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in
me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's
when I felt the handcuffs go on. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jan 1 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because
you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jan 2 01:00:08 2023

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by Jack Handey
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Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just
call them "impressions," and if you got a different
"impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jan 3 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle,
don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in
a while. It's their way of letting off stress. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jan 4 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you
know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a
gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing
while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to
the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of
their hands.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jan 5 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe
there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to
ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down
into the ground, and live there. But don't ever call us
"ants," because we hate that. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jan 6 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was
going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead
drove him to an old, burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said,
"Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think
that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I
started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
getting pretty late. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jan 7 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real.
And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and
everything in between, plus some things I can't remember,
all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jan 8 01:00:06 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a
skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a
skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and
really scare you. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jan 9 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had
to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a
joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't
laugh very much. Some friend HE is. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jan 10 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick
the other leg up high behind you to keep people from
following too close. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jan 11 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick
the other leg up high behind you to keep people from
following too close. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jan 12 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I think one way police departments could make some money
would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people,
for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jan 13 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring
a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that
tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jan 14 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we
can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is
what annoys me. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jan 22 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will
I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jan 23 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you
know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a
gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing
while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to
the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of
their hands.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jan 24 01:00:01 2023

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by Jack Handey
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Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the
queen's round metal hat. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jan 25 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call
it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for
tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey
with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit
tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a
tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jan 26 01:00:04 2023

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by Jack Handey
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The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof
reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy
Texaco latrine. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jan 27 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And
then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey,
what's for supper?" ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jan 28 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you're an ant, and you're walking across the top of a cup
of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing
between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding
skin.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jan 29 01:00:13 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think
it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean
that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jan 30 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think
it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean
that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jan 31 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best.
We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and
because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out
he was a bear.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Feb 1 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we
can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is
what annoys me. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Feb 2 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I
don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's
just too rich a subject. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Feb 3 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in
the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into
a panic.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Feb 4 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-
appointed psychiatrist is our "friend." ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Feb 5 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then
I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys
like me.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Feb 6 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And
he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's
carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also,
you're drunk.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Feb 7 01:00:14 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep
Dracula _and_ Superman away. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Feb 8 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep
Dracula _and_ Superman away. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Feb 9 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship
are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know
what? They never find him. And you know why they never find
him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the
reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you
can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Feb 10 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy
gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes
shooting out, riding on water skis. How do they do that? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Feb 11 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy
gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes
shooting out, riding on water skis. How do they do that? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Feb 12 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy
gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes
shooting out, riding on water skis. How do they do that? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Feb 13 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy
gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes
shooting out, riding on water skis. How do they do that? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Feb 14 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get
down in the dirt and beg for it. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Feb 18 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to
communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house
across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone
would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this
squawking and cheeping. "What? What?" I would yell back,
but he never did speak English. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Feb 19 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me,
that's what her dinner tasted like. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Feb 20 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly
appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence.
But I think it was just a lucky swing. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Feb 21 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in
your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the
dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think,
"Forgive me, but that's just too much." ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Feb 22 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when
someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay
me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Do you have that
fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Feb 23 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular
heaven and pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a
trick, but if it's not - mmmmm, boy. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Feb 24 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Feb 25 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one
would you think like dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy,
wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Feb 26 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very
large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you
camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Feb 27 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody,
like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding
done, because you'd really be surprised. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Feb 28 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed
to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems"
from burglars.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Mar 1 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how
about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when
you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it
lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the
front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is
check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and
numbers to see who is asking the question. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Mar 2 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how
about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when
you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it
lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the
front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is
check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and
numbers to see who is asking the question. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Mar 3 01:00:00 2023

��
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by Jack Handey
��
The memories of my family outings are still a source of
strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car--I
forget what kind it was--and drive and drive. I'm not sure
where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think
we went home. I guess some things never leave you. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Mar 4 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
I bet a fun thing would be to go back in time to where there
was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have
come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the
sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd
probably try to kill you or something, but then you could
explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone
would have a good laugh. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Mar 5 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in
your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the
dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think,
"Forgive me, but that's just too much." ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Mar 6 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in
your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the
dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think,
"Forgive me, but that's just too much." ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Mar 7 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in
your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the
dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think,
"Forgive me, but that's just too much." ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Mar 8 01:00:00 2023

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��
��
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by Jack Handey
��
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little
trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's
house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the
door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a
note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot
better, and no harm done. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Mar 9 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king,
because I like people to do what I say. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Mar 10 01:00:00 2023

��
��
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by Jack Handey
��
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship
are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know
what? They never find him. And you know why they never find
him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the
reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you
can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Mar 11 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down,
I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh
too, because come on, life is funny. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Mar 12 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds,
because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient
down and have a long, personal talk. After that, I'm not
sure, but maybe you could throw water in his face or
something.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Mar 13 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe
there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to
ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down
into the ground, and live there. But don't ever call us
"ants," because we hate that. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Mar 14 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
As we were driving we saw a sign that said "Watch For
Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch For Pretty Rocks."
I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway
department, but she started saying it was a joke--just to
get out of writing a simple letter. And I thought I was lazy. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Mar 15 01:00:11 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was
watching. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said
Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we
should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted.
I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and
forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided
to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Mar 16 01:00:00 2023

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��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's
some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take
it easy.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Mar 17 01:00:00 2023

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��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of
something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says,
"Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got
these sacks."
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Mar 18 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is,
while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey,
better try the emergency brake. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Mar 19 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is,
while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey,
better try the emergency brake. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Mar 20 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at
some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins.
Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and
while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Mar 21 01:00:00 2023

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��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which
have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common
wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Mar 22 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in
your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the
dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think,
"Forgive me, but that's just too much." ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Mar 23 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer
right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops
a good, lucky feeling. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Mar 24 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer
right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops
a good, lucky feeling. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Mar 25 01:00:00 2023

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��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
A quiz: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer:
me.)
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Mar 26 02:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off,
and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him
off right away. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Mar 27 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the
stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just
pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in
your lap and form it into a big, mushy ball. Then, later,
when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a
big, fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say,
"Boy, these are good cigars!" ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Mar 28 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a
big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole
person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a
little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a
person, because it would be too small. But there's a little
doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy--
something like that. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Mar 29 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but
we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street
carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner
bags?
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Mar 30 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how
about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when
you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it
lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the
front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is
check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and
numbers to see who is asking the question. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Mar 31 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how
about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when
you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it
lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the
front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is
check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and
numbers to see who is asking the question. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Apr 1 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how
about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when
you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it
lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the
front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is
check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and
numbers to see who is asking the question. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Apr 2 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call
it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for
tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey
with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit
tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a
tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Apr 3 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
You know one thing that will make a woman mad? Just run up
and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.) ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Apr 4 01:00:00 2023

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��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
You know what would make a good story? Something about a
clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.
Also, he has severe diarrhea. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Apr 5 01:00:00 2023

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��
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��
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by Jack Handey
��
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things
off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong
with little bits of cheese? They'd probably break down into
their various gases before they even hit. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Apr 6 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed
to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems"
from burglars.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Apr 7 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people
their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little
basket-beds with my name on it. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Apr 8 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people
their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little
basket-beds with my name on it. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Apr 9 01:00:00 2023

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��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled
urination should automatically disqualify you. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Apr 10 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly
appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence.
But I think it was just a lucky swing. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Apr 11 01:00:00 2023

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��
��
��
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by Jack Handey
��
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain
scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the
part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Apr 12 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain
scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the
part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Apr 13 01:00:00 2023

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��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's
right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather,
you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give an
honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison
feather?
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Apr 14 01:00:00 2023

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��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our
civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were
just kidding, that this isn't our real civilization, but a
gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come
back in twenty years to see our real civilization. After
that, we start a crash program of coming up with a new
civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as
they're waving good-bye. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Apr 15 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of
danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then
yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Apr 16 01:00:02 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a
plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying
down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act
like they just woke up and go, "What was _that_? " ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Apr 17 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And
then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey,
what's for supper?" ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Apr 18 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down,
I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh
too, because come on, life is funny. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Apr 19 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down,
I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh
too, because come on, life is funny. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Apr 20 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so
bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a
few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Apr 21 01:00:00 2023

��
��
��
��
��
by Jack Handey
��
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so
bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a
few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Apr 22 01:00:00 2023

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��
��
by Jack Handey
��
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the
stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just
pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in
your lap and form it into a big, mushy ball. Then, later,
when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a
big, fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say,
"Boy, these are good cigars!" ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Apr 23 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I
don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's
just too rich a subject. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Apr 24 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep
Dracula _and_ Superman away. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed May 10 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the
lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu May 11 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your
rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who
the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam
the door.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri May 12 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by
something as simple as wild dogs. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat May 13 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I
bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun May 14 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer
right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops
a good, lucky feeling. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon May 15 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's
some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take
it easy.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue May 16 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick
the other leg up high behind you to keep people from
following too close. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed May 17 01:01:35 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off,
and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him
off right away. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu May 18 01:01:36 2023

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by Jack Handey
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We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing.
But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come
back with some whore he picked up in town. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri May 19 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play
within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold
on for the ride of your life. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat May 20 01:00:39 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down,
I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh
too, because come on, life is funny. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun May 21 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the
lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon May 22 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of
the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't
understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue May 23 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of
the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't
understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed May 24 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of
danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then
yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu May 25 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me,
that's what her dinner tasted like. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri May 26 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a
skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a
skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and
really scare you. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat May 27 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the
roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle
Lou. "Don't move!" screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't
listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his
arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened
after that.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun May 28 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular
heaven and pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a
trick, but if it's not - mmmmm, boy. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon May 29 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good
thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and
laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It
might just fit in with what somebody just said. And even if
it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue May 30 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary.
I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back
to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed May 31 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very
large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you
camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jun 1 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very
large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you
camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jun 2 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
��
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very
large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you
camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jun 3 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your
life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are,
little blacksmith. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jun 4 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented
the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned
the wheel.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jun 5 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not
the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous
animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and
eating everything they see. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jun 6 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring
a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that
tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jun 7 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring
a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that
tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jun 8 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope
He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jun 9 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most
common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow
the head to breathe. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jun 10 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy,
and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both
have a beard.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jun 11 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jun 12 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the
stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just
pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in
your lap and form it into a big, mushy ball. Then, later,
when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a
big, fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say,
"Boy, these are good cigars!" ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jun 13 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I
was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite
so funny.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jun 14 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just
call them "impressions," and if you got a different
"impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jun 15 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-
appointed psychiatrist is our "friend." ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jun 16 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you
know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a
gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing
while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to
the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of
their hands.
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jun 17 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one
thing you would constantly find yourself telling people
would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry
and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him
later."
��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jun 18 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call
it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for
tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey
with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit
tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a
tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jun 19 01:00:00 2023

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by Jack Handey
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One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was
going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead
drove him to an old, burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said,
"Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think
that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I
started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
getting pretty late. ��

--- SBBSecho 3.20-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

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[ANSI] Today's Deep Thought by Jack Handey

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