How can I ensure my husband and his lazy kids honor my will?
Published: Dec 22, 2016 10:22 p.m. ET

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A wife and mother wants to make sure her autistic daughter is looked after


By

QUENTIN
FOTTRELL
PERSONAL FINANCE EDITOR


Dear Moneyologist,

My husband and I aren’t extraordinarily well off, but he has a life
insurance policy and a 401(k) (of which I am the beneficiary). I have
savings and inheritance, and a stake in businesses my father and mother
own and we are both on track to do better financially in the future.
We’ve started planning our wills and discussing what we’d like done with our money in the likely event that one will outlive the other.

He has two daughters from a previous marriage, one aged 16 and one 19.
Neither has any ambition in life and the oldest seems to think that,
even though she moved out because she didn’t want to follow our rules
that it is our job to finance her lying about her mother’s house, is
doing absolutely nothing. Their mother is the same way. We’ve tried to
be a positive influence, but to little avail.

Of course, we hope they get themselves together as they get older, but
if their mother is any indication, I don’t hold out much hope. It sounds awful but we have agreed that, if this behavior continues, we would only
be comfortable making direct payments for education if they were
actually passing their classes, and that they would have to make
requests for money for things needed by future grandkids. We have kept
this to ourselves.

I know this seems a little harsh, but we also have a 10-year-old
daughter who is autistic and will likely need some form of assistance
all her life. We simply cannot afford to send money every time they make
bad financial choices later in life.

I am worried that if I die first, my husband will not honor my wishes.
He knows what is best but often caves, because he’s worried his children
will hate him, especially where money is concerned. Unless we are
spending money on them they want little do with us.

Is there any legal way to make him stick to our agreement once I’m gone?

Feeling Anxious

Dear Feeling Anxious,

I recently received a letter from a woman who had a dilemma similar to
yours, except her mother had deliberately gone against her stepfather’s wishes. The Moneyologist advised her to honor her father’s will. You, on
the other hand, wish to prevent this from happening.

Sometimes, the clue is in the question. In this case, the clue is in the
nom de plume. Your anxiety about and dislike of these teenage layabouts
is impacting your happiness, and you are imagining all sorts of
scenarios where you and your husband are taken advantage of. They are 16
and 19 years old and, for better or for worse, are still dependent on
their parents.

It’s hard for teenagers to find jobs these days for a variety of reasons
(a weak economic climate is likely as much to blame as entitlement). You
may not like them, and they may be lazier than the average teen, but
they are still kids and, probably, they will become productive members
of society. You don’t have to like them or their mother — just don’t let your fears grow out of all proportion. It’s actually pretty normal for
teens (even at 19) to still be dependent on their parents (and not
always appreciate them).

It’s actually pretty normal for teenagers to still be dependent on their parents for money and not always appreciate that.
The Moneyologist

That said, you’re smart to take preventative measures to protect your daughter’s inheritance, especially as she is autistic and may require
more care later on. In most jurisdictions, a couple can enter into a
contract not to change their respective wills, says Geoffrey Kunkler, an
estate attorney with Carlile, Patchen & Murphy in Columbus, Ohio. “This
would keep things simple as everything would be left to the surviving spouse,” he says. It might also help your husband to say “Sorry, kids, I can’t change the will.” So they can’t pressure him to giving them money. The will could say a child’s shares could only be used for education,
down payment on a home or a grandchild’s education, for instance.
However, this doesn’t prevent your husband from buckling and giving his
kids cash. The will only controls probate assets, so the family home or
a 401(k) and other accounts with beneficiaries would go directly to the
heirs with no strings attached, he says.

Listen: MarketWatch’s podcast Money, Markets & More (or subscribe on
iTunes): The Secret Sauce of Online Dating and Should We Carry Our Debt
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Alternatively, you could create a living trust, each funded with your
own separate assets and joint assets split evenly to the two trusts. “At
the death of the first spouse his or her trust would become
irrevocable,” Kunkler says. “It could be drafted such that the funds
could be used to support the surviving spouse or to be held exclusively
for the children, step-children and grandchildren.” What’s more, you
could create a special needs trust for your daughter while also ensuring
she remains eligible for needs-based government benefits, and your
husband could make rules to manage the inheritance of his children so
they are motivated to become productive members of society. The trusts
would also be outside of the jurisdiction of the local probate court
which would keep things private and cut down on administrative expenses.

With all that taken care of, you can focus on building a relationship
with your husband’s children. You say that, unless you give them money
they want nothing to do with you. This may not be because they were
poisoned against you. It may be because they are typical teenagers.

Do you have questions about inheritance, tipping, weddings, family
feuds, friends or any tricky issues relating to manners and money? Send
them to MarketWatch’s Moneyologist and please include the state where
you live (no full names will be used).

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More from the Moneyologist
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https://www.marketwatch.com/story/can-i-make-sure-my-husband-and-his-lazy-kids-honor-my-will-2016-04-05

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