from https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/09/husband-penis-size-enchacement-problem-advice.html

HOW TO DO IT

My Husband Is Suddenly Very “Well Endowed”—and That’s Presented a Problem
I have one worry in particular.

BY JESSICA STOYA
SEPT 14, 20216:16 PM

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to
Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I have been married for more than 25 years and have had
what I consider a great marriage overall. Couple of kids, couple of
cats, house, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary. And that (nothing out of
the ordinary) largely describes our sex life too. It’s been kind and
loving, but not particularly kinky, or even outside of oral and vaginal sex.

My husband also is not particularly well-endowed. He’s not unusually
small either, but of the few sex partners I’ve had over my life, he’s on the smaller end. There’s really only a few positions that “work” for us. And just so it’s clear, that doesn’t bother me at all. But it certainly bothers him—to the point where he bought a large strap-on dildo that’s hollow on one end so that he could wear it. It was a little surprising
to me when he told me about it and then showed it to me. And it was BIG,
so I was also not sure that was going to be something I would like
either. But I agreed to try it. And the first time in particular, I did
not like it. Even with lube (which made it pretty cold, too), it was
pretty painful to the point of having to ask him to stop. That pretty
much stopped that whole session too.

A little while later, he asked to try again, and said he’d read up on
how to use it better. So we tried again, and it still hurt, but he went
really slowly, and I have to admit it wasn’t as bad. Fast forward a few
more times, each of which was better, and one of the times most
recently, it was really good to the point where I actually had a pretty
big orgasm from just penetration. That was the first time that had ever happened to me. Now he always asks me if I want to use it. He’s gotten
much better and loves “having a big cock,” and it feels really good. He genuinely seems to like that I enjoy it. It has allowed us to try some different positions.

So here’s my concern. I’m a little worried that I’m actually enjoying it TOO much. I haven’t been the one yet to ask for it, and I truly don’t always want it. But whenever he brings it up now, I have been saying
“no” less and less frequently, and I secretly get more excited about it coming out. And when I’m done coming and he gets his turn, I’m finding
that I’m a little desensitized to his penis. It definitely seems
temporary, because it’s always back to “normal” the subsequent times we have sex, but right after he’s used it, I get less of a sensation of him
in me. I’m not normally an addictive personality, but I’m a little
worried about wanting this more and more. Should I try and stop using
it? It doesn’t seem to bother my husband. Is it OK if I want to have it
be a regular thing?

—Accidental Size Queen

Dear ASQ,

You are OK. It is OK to use your husband’s large strap-on regularly.
It’s wonderful that the two of you have found a new way of experiencing
each other’s bodies, and something that gives you such pleasure.

You absolutely can become accustomed to a certain kind of sensation, and
we humans are prone to diminishing returns when it comes to novelty.
Your husband’s factory-installed and add-on phalluses provide a chance
for size variety. I think it’s wise to keep his actual penis in the
rotation, along with digital penetration, oral sex, or whatever else
pleases the two of you.

As for the sensitivity of your vaginal canal, depending on how much
energy your husband has after ejaculation, you might focus on his
pleasure first and yours second. And you should continue to have sexual encounters without the dildo entirely, to mix things up. You also might
do Kegel exercises. These generally help with pelvic floor tone, along
with other physical benefits. They also tend to help people get a more
nuanced awareness of their genitals, which might help you feel your
husband’s penis more acutely.

----------------
Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 24-year-old female who’s still a virgin, but not by choice. I had years of religious ideals, then anxiety that kept me hidden, and just
when I was ready to find a relationship, a pandemic. I would really like
to lose it so I can get it over with and focus on having fun sex and relationships, but I don’t know how (obvs I know HOW, haha, but not how
to go about initiating this). It just seems like men either fetishize
virginity or it freaks them out. I don’t want to end up with a hookup
who doesn’t treat me carefully, someone who takes advantage of my inexperience, or a significant other who breaks things off when I say
I’m not experienced. I want to have the best first experience I can, and
it just seems like dating apps aren’t going to cut it and it’s hard to
meet organically in the current times. What can I do to be safe and
comfortable without waiting years and years?

—Ready but Perplexed

Dear Ready,

I empathize with your desire to get through the first, culturally
weighted instance of sex and then date without all the baggage. I picked
a stranger and saw him several times after our first encounter. That may
or may not work for you.

Safe is difficult. It’s a comforting and soothing concept, but not often reality. Safer, however, with an emphasis on understanding and
mitigating risks, is completely achievable. Ask your potential partners
how recently they’ve been tested, meet them in a public place to get to
know them, listen to yourself if you get a wary feeling, and protect
your ability to leave at any time—take your own car or stay in areas
where you can get a ride share or taxi, and know where your wallet,
phone, and shoes are.

Remember, you’ve just started looking and there’s been a pandemic the
whole time. It might take another couple of years to find someone
interested and interesting. Go to social occasions as you’re able—the
park, anyone?—and think about which apps you’re using. If they’re mostly for hookups, you might want to give Bumble or Hinge a try. And yes, many
men do fetishize virginity, and many others are unsure how to navigate
it or don’t want what they perceive as the responsibility. You can’t
fully control that, but you can tell them relatively early on that
you’re inexperienced but excited about sex and watch their reactions
closely.

In the meantime, masturbate. Get to know your body well. Experiment and fantasize. Give yourself pleasure. Think about using insertable toys on yourself, too. You can get more comfortable in your own skin while you
sort out the partner search.

Dear How to Do It,

I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. There have been two
flashpoints in our relationship where I discovered porn use on his part
that amounted to compulsive behavior. These incidents also aligned with
him not initiating sex with me, or declining intimacy with me (and then
going to use porn immediately after). This led me to feel like I was
being replaced by what porn performers had to offer. We had therapy at
the time, built a trusting relationship, and had a family.

Last year, I made a similar discovery to these past times on a secret
phone that I accidentally found. I found there were other
things—personal and work related—that he was also hiding from me, which made trust hard. The fact that I’d come out of having children made me
feel like he no longer viewed my body as attractive, and this second
phone discovery at the same time as another waning in his attention in
the bedroom toward me.

We’ve both had more therapy for this, but I’m left feeling insecure, inadequate, and unattractive. We’ve both got high sex drives, but his
was channelled elsewhere. Our sex life has improved immeasurably since
he has cut out porn this time, not just in frequency but also in
intimacy. We have tried watching some films together with mixed success.
A few things are at the back of my mind. Many of the performers from his
solo viewing fell into the 18+ but very young-looking category, and many
of the women were very thin, they’re often tall, blond, and Eastern
European. It’s very stereotypical porny porn from free sites. I’m a
short, shapely lady (not overweight), dark-haired, in my mid 30s. I
can’t get how he gets so much gratification from people who are not like
me at all. I don’t expect a series of clones, but in the selection,
there never seems to be anyone who has any features that I do. It makes
me wonder how he finds me attractive at all.

He insists that I’m his No. 1, and that while he can find these
performers sexually attractive, he doesn’t compare them with me—that his sex life with me eclipses any thrills from his extracurricular
activities. I have trouble understanding the mechanics of all this, but
I would like to feel less bothered by all of it and more confident in my
own right. What is behind my misgivings? Any advice appreciated.

—Not Enough

Dear Not Enough,

Twice, your husband was using porn in an unhealthy way at a time that correlates with a decrease in intimacy with you, including declining to
have sex with you to watch pornography. On another occasion, you found a
phone that contained personal and professional details that you didn’t
know but feel that you should have been informed of. I think that’s
where the bulk of your misgivings are coming from.

I’m wondering if watching porn together is too much pressure for now.
Or, if you’d like to continue using it, if it’s possible to incorporate some variety.

People consume pornography, even the most mainstream stuff, for a
variety of reasons and in several different ways. Your husband is the
only person who can say how he interacts with porn, why he chooses what
to watch, and what his desire for the performers he sees is. Your
ability to believe your husband when he says his sex life with you
eclipses his porn-watching is strained by your history together. The way
you talk about therapy seems past tense, but you’re having issues in the present. Did your time with a therapist give you communication skills
you can put to use here?

The big questions here are whether you think your relationship can
recover to the point where you can believe your husband when he tells
you he desires and eroticizes you, and what you’ll need to get there.
Once you have an idea of that, get on the same page with your husband. Communicate clearly that you’re still struggling with trust. Give him
the opportunity to respond, and welcome his suggestions as you share
yours. If he doesn’t engage, you should reconsider how much effort
you’re willing to put in.



Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 67-year-old man married to the same woman for 45 years. I’ve
always had a much stronger sex drive, which has really not decreased
over the years. My wife, like the wives of all of my friends, has pretty
much lost interest in sex. Five years ago, we stopped having intercourse because she said it hurt. Although she said she would see a doctor, she
never did, which made it clear she was no longer interested in this
activity. She refuses to tell me what feels good and what I can do
differently to give her physical pleasure. She is quite prudish about
talking about sex, and she claims she has never masturbated, although I
have encouraged her to explore this. When we were younger, she enjoyed
sex and always had at least one orgasm and often more. Meanwhile, she
still gives me earth-shattering blow jobs and has no shyness at all
about this and says she loves doing it. My friends tell me I’m lucky she
does this, and while I agree to an extent, I miss the feel of her body
and giving her pleasure. Sadly, it seems I will live out my life with
this frustration. Do you think there’s another option for us?

—Old and Frustrated

Dear Old F,

Your wife saying she’ll see a doctor about the pain she experiences
during penetrative sex is a fact, as is her not following through with
seeing a professional. Your belief this means she is clearly no longer interested in intercourse is, meanwhile, just a presumption. She could
also be so tired of getting the run-around from doctors when it comes to
her genitalia and hormones that she can’t muster the motivation to
interact with the medical system for something that isn’t a survival
concern.



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You also call your wife “quite prudish.” Prude isn’t a slur, but it’s still pretty judgmental. Shyness, which you use later when you’re
describing her confidence and enjoyment of giving those earth-shattering
blow jobs, is a more neutral way to describe it. Meanwhile, when you’re conveying her statement that she hasn’t masturbated, you also use the
word claims. Do you believe your wife? Why not?

What I’m getting at is I think your attitude toward your wife and her changing body is worrisome. I suspect what you miss is the feeling you
get out of touching your wife’s body in ways that feel good for her.
That’s not about her. That’s about you and your ego.

That said, you do have a problem. When you say you miss the feel of your wife’s body, is that a general “missing” or a specific, her-vaginal-canal-wrapped-around-your-penis kind of missing? If it’s
general, there are so very many ways you can connect physically without
vaginal penetration. Snuggling, for one. If it is specific, talk to your
wife again, and try to listen to her this time. If intercourse is really
off the table for good, it’s time for you to think through what that
loss means to you and what the alternatives might be.

---------

More How to Do It
A few years ago, I had a few hookups with a guy who had a monster dong.
Like, a very girthy porno penis. It was awesome for PIV sex. But there
was one thing I could never, ever do with him.

HOW TO DO IT
How Do I Tell My Partner I’m Scared of His Huge Penis?
I wasn’t really able to do anything but hold it there.

BY STOYA
APRIL 06, 20212:11 PM
Woman looking shocked with a flashing eggplant emoji behind her
Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Prostock-Studio/iStock/Getty

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to
Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

A few years ago, I had a few hookups with a guy who had a monster dong.
Like, a very girthy porno penis. It was awesome for PIV sex. But I had a
hangup about giving head. I was just so freaked out that I wouldn’t be
able to breathe, and when I put it in my mouth, I felt like a snake
unhinging my jaw just to put it in. I mean, that’s an exaggeration, but
it felt like it took up my whole mouth and I wasn’t able to really do anything else with it but hold it there in my mouth.

Ordinarily, I think it is polite to reciprocate oral sex with a partner
who enjoys it. But I just couldn’t. We only hooked up a few times, so I redirected the oral to penetrative sex. We parted ways, never to meet again.

In the future, if I come across a similarly ginormous wiener (which I
hope to because the benefits downstairs were ooh la la), what do I do?
Is it ever physically impossible to give head to such a big penis? Is it
just a mental block and I need mental tips and tricks to calm down? Are
there breathing exercises that can make it easier? As a last resort,
what can I do to speed up my partner’s orgasm and spend less time doing
the terrifying deed? If it’s not possible to go down on him, how do I politely say, “Sorry, I’m scared of your penis”?

—Cock Coward

Dear Cock Coward,

Reciprocal sex—you gave me an orgasm, so I want to give you one—is certainly a thing people do, but it isn’t the only way to be a generous
and enjoyable lover. And it sometimes leaves people putting pressure on themselves to engage in activities they aren’t comfortable with or to
receive types of attention they aren’t interested in. It’s great that
you want to be polite and giving, and you may want to consider a more
complex assessment of whether a sexual interaction or relationship is
balanced.

It’s possible, if the penis in question is very thick and your mouth is
very small (or you have sensitive jaws) to encounter a spatial geometry
impasse when it comes to the specific act of wrapping your lips around
the head and shaft. However, there are so many other things you can do
with your lips and tongue to cause pleasure. The site the Art of Blowjob
has lots of examples and includes educational videos. Think licking,
lipping with wet or dry lips, sucking on the frenulum (that wrinkle
under the head), and carefully gliding the flat fronts of your upper
teeth across various parts. Remember that your hands are also available.
Oral sex is a description, not a requirement that only your mouth gets used—unless, of course, that’s been requested and agreed to.

Your instinct that you will have an easier time if you relax is probably accurate. Taking the pressure off of yourself is one part of that.
Breathing is another. You might find that a breathing practice, or
meditation, when you aren’t having sex helps you to navigate any anxiety
or panic you feel during sex. You’re trying to train your body to
breathe in a measured way so that it’s easier to do when you’re in some kind of distress, including distress caused by consensually having your
mouth overloaded. The holds in between breaths are useful because they
give you space to go further with your mouth without trying to
coordinate breathing at the same time. Practice will give you
familiarity with how long those holds can comfortably last. And as for
what you can do to speed up your partner’s orgasm, there are all sorts
of options. So many, and so personally specific, that you’ll need to
have at least one conversation with them about what they like.

Regardless, there is no need to apologize for fear. Your fear, your
boundaries, and your limits—whether they’re physical or emotional—should be respected. If this isn’t the case, find the door. If you want to
flatter his ego, you can say something like, “You are so well-endowed
that you’re bigger than my mouth can handle. I bet you’ll feel great in
my pussy.” If it were me, I would say, “The geometry of this is nonfunctional, and I suspect you’ve heard this before. What else can we
get up to?” But you’re you, and you’ll do best if you find your own phrasing. Good luck.

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Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 24-year-old woman, and I’m coming to you with a variation on the common complaint about the elusive female orgasm. I personally figured
it out at about 18—at least for a while. I’m pretty set in my ways: I’ve always been averse to the idea of putting anything in my vagina, and
have never had a sexual partner of any kind. So, in a pinch I use
fingers, but generally I use a wand-style vibrator on a steady setting
(no pulsing on and off or funky rhythms) and just sort of move up and
down between direct pressure on the clit and indirect pressure via a
sort of “tug” at the place where my vulva begins, slightly above the clitoris. I never change anything about the process, but the subjective
quality of the feeling of pleasure has changed over time, as I’ve gotten older, or depending on where I am in my cycle or how long it’s been
without an orgasm, etc. However, for the past year or more, I’ve had an
issue with a sort of non-orgasm—it’s as if I slowly build to where the
peak should be, but rather than a final explosion, it just cuts out. I
can tell my muscles are fluttering, and I’ve never been able to do the double-orgasm thing, so I can tell that it’s happened. This doesn’t
happen every single time, but it does happen most of the time, and I’m
at a loss to explain why. I could have a worse problem than feeling
pleasure up until the orgasm, but hey, orgasms are pretty nice. Any suggestions?

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—Underwhelmed

Dear Underwhelmed,

What you’re describing sounds like sexual, or orgasmic, anhedonia.
Anhedonia is the technical term for absence of pleasure. I’ve known a
number of people over the years—all cisgender men—who’ve described their experiences of it to me. And my co-columnist, Rich Juzwiak, recently
answered a question from a man who ejaculates without pleasurable
orgasm. In it, he quotes a urologist who notes that there just isn’t
good research on this issue.

I’ve experienced sexual anhedonia occasionally myself with a super high-intensity vibrator like the Magic Wand. My experience is that my
body does the main things—pelvic contractions and increased vaginal fluid—that I associate with orgasm, but it doesn’t feel fun, or good, or even like it really happened to me. It’s uncomfortable, and I imagine
that a year of it is deeply unpleasant. I’m sorry your body is doing this.

Since this sounds like a relatively new development, it’ll be helpful if
you can figure out a more specific time when this began and then think
through what may have changed around that time. One big shift is the
COVID pandemic, and rates of depression have multiplied during this
stressful time. I think it’s worth taking a look at the symptoms of
clinical depression and considering if any feel true in the past year or
so. If several do, your next logical step would be a licensed
psychologist and/or psychiatrist. Other things to think about: Did you
start or stop taking any medications around that time? If so, you’ll
want to speak with the prescribing doctor. Did you begin, increase, or
decrease recreational drug use, including alcohol? If that’s the case,
you may have found your culprit. And how about supplements? Again, if
that’s the change, you might stop or restart those supplements. If none
of these possibilities provide clues, you should schedule an appointment
with a general physician or gynecologist—whichever fits best with your
health care system.

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Dear How to Do It,

Before the pandemic started, I finally came to terms with my near
exclusive attraction to other women after two years of hooking up with
men. I’m happy and confident with this transition, but I’ve encountered
a new struggle in my sex life: I’m an average-height, 240-pound woman
who wants to wrestle and be physically dominated in bed. Due to my size
and people-pleasing nature, I usually get stuck in a more dominant
position with my partners. I’m happy to please others, but I don’t get
much personal satisfaction when I’m not restrained. This feels shitty to
say when my date, while otherwise attractive, doesn’t have the physical
means to hold me down. How can I communicate this desire with potential partners? Can I only date women bigger or stronger than me?

—Big Switch

Dear Switch,

The part of your message where you say you don’t get much direct
satisfaction when you aren’t restrained feels pretty crucial. It’s OK to have specific sexual desires and to seek out partners who can and want
to meet those desires. Your enjoyment and fulfillment are as important
as your partners’ are. Meanwhile, it sounds like you do get something
out of fulfilling your partners’ sexual desires, even when that requires taking the active or dominant role, and if that’s the case you should continue to do so to your heart’s content.

Taking turns, or switching (as your sign-off suggests) is a great
instinct. You can satisfy your partner in the way that feels best for
them, and then be satisfied in the way that feels best for you. The
roles you play during sex are just that—roles. They can be as temporary
as you want them to be, and you can switch them as desired.

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Have you considered restraint with objects? Rope, cuffs, and tape are
all popular options. The benefit of this kind of bondage is that it
enables one person to restrain another regardless of how large or strong
they are and for longer than human endurance lasts. If the restraints
are thoroughly applied, you can pull and thrash against them in a way
that you might be hesitant to with a person out of fear of hurting them.
All of these methods require that your top be cautious about how tightly they’re restraining you and that you check in with your body yourself—specifically any restrained part—to make sure your circulation isn’t cut off. Bondage is inherently risky, and you’ll want to do some research before deciding if you’d like to try it. You’ll also want to be cautious with who you’re allowing to restrain you. Do you know them? Do
they have experience and knowledge on mitigating the risks? Establish
trust, rapport, and effective communication before proceeding with
anything that you can’t immediately extricate yourself from.

You may be able to enjoy wrestling with people who aren’t as strong as
you are by exercising your ability to pretend. Even with a person twice
your size, you aren’t going to full-on fight them the way you would an attacker. There’s already an element of fantasy at work for this kind of interaction to be safe enough to engage in.

My two ideas might not work for you, and the answer might be that yes,
you need to date women who are larger than you in order to fully enjoy partnered sex. If that’s the case, remember that your desires are OK.
You can give yourself permission to seek out people who are able and
want to meet your desires. Lots of people prefer certain body types or
have a tendency toward certain physical characteristics. You get to have preferences too.

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Dear How to Do It,

I have been with my girl for six years now and am very much in love with
her. Right before the pandemic she was diagnosed with breast cancer and
had to have a mastectomy followed by other surgeries, chemo, and
radiation. One side effect to all of that seems to be a massive
autoimmune response that is focused on her labia and vulva and causes
her tremendous pain from lesions that form in that area now. We have
been to specialists, we’ve been tested for STDs repeatedly, and they’ve even biopsied them to try to find an answer to what is going on—to no
avail. It’s to the point that she is uncomfortable even wearing
underwear or sitting for any length of time. The doctors, not having any answer, have suggested this is due to her depression, which she has been battling since the cancer diagnosis.

We haven’t had sex since the diagnosis. When she wasn’t in the middle of
a flair-up or during chemo, I’ve gone down on her several times, and she reciprocated. But for both it seemed she was doing it for me, as I enjoy
making her come almost as much as coming myself. I have a healthy sex
drive but have been able to take care of things myself mostly during
this time. I also don’t want her to feel obligated to do things, which
she has vocalized several times regarding her fear that I will leave
without them.

I’m trying to be the supportive man whom she needs in her life. But I’m also getting to a place where my own reserves are spent. Between the
medical issues, her depression and pain, and being an “essential
worker” in a group home setting over the last year (terrified that I’m going to bring COVID home to her and kill her during her treatments),
I’m at a loss for what to do. I’m resenting that she seems to think I’m only there out of obligation and even more that the little bit we do
sexually she’s doing out of obligation and fear of me leaving. I’m resenting that she wasn’t at a place where she could have sex before the mastectomy just once more. I honestly just don’t know what to do with
the situation anymore. Anal is out of the question due to fissures
brought on from opioids used post-surgeries, and vaginal sex isn’t
really an option at the present. She’s so uncomfortable that she can’t
be enjoying anything else we do or she does for me out of her perceived obligation. I love her. I don’t want to leave her. I don’t want to cheat
on her. I can’t be angry at her for what isn’t her fault, but I am also needing something to go on other than reading Marcus Aurelius and just weathering the storm indefinitely.

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—Essentially Resentful

Dear Resentful,

You say that you can’t be angry with her for something that isn’t her fault. Resentment is pretty close to anger—some describe it as a
low-grade version of anger. If you are angry, that’s OK. Anger is a
valid emotion. You can feel angry and still treat your partner with
respect and love. Feeling angry doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad partner.

I found a few papers and articles discussing the association between
different sorts of vulvar lesions and mental health, but they in no way indicate that depression causes lesions of any sort. They also don’t
indicate that depression can’t cause lesions. It seems the science isn’t there yet, and if the doctors your partner is seeing had more robust
knowledge in this area, I imagine they’d be using it. And chemotherapy
can wreak havoc on sexual desire, as can estrogen-blocking drugs like tamoxifen, which you don’t mention but are frequently used during
treatment of breast cancer. Her desire to have desire may be
contributing to the depression she is experiencing, too.

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There are various sex toys for men, which could provide some variety in
your masturbation, but I suspect what you want is the connection with
your partner. If I’m correct, that’s beautiful and also probably very frustrating for you. Are there nonsexual ways you can connect physically
with her? Can you curl up together? Can you stroke parts of her body
that aren’t in pain? Is holding hands possible for an extended period of time?

Mostly, I think this is less of a sex question than it seems. You
describe an immense amount of stress, and you list two coping
strategies: the writings of Marcus Aurelius and patience. It sounds like
you need to take care of yourself in a profound and significant way.
Based on Susan Silk’s ring theory, you should access emotional support
from people who aren’t your partner. This is where friends, family, and support groups can be useful. In a group of others with similar
experiences, there’s a higher chance of feeling understood. There’s less explaining of the basics required, so you can get into the really
complicated stuff. And there’s less social pressure to avoid talking
about the big, scary parts—the big, scary parts are why you’re all
there. There are fewer support groups for partners and caregivers of
people with cancer then for patients themselves, but these groups do
exist, so it seems worth some time searching your area for these
meetings. And, like all things during COVID, many are gathering
virtually, so there may be additional options outside your city or region.

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—Stoya

More How to Do It

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