from https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/07/husband-wear-womens-underwear-fetish-advice.html

After Five Years, My Husband Finally Revealed His Fetish
I’m so angry.
BY STOYA
JULY 30, 20195:55 AM
A couple angry at each other in bed with neon panties in between.
Photo illustration by Slate. Images by PeopleImages via Getty Images and Anna_leni/iStock/Getty Images.
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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Send your questions for Stoya
and Rich to howtodoit@slate.com. Nothing’s too small (or big).

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Dear How to Do It,

I’m a woman in a heterosexual, monogamous marriage. I love my husband,
but throughout our five-year relationship, our sex life has had its ups
and downs. It has mostly involved what I thought was my husband’s fairly continuous masturbation while he is at home and I am at work (we work
different schedules), which he says leaves him undesiring of sex with me
when I get home. We’ve fought about this many, many times, with him
promising to change and leading to some “up” moments, only to be right
back to the same issue a few weeks later. He’s also lied many times
about the amount of time he spends masturbating (and watching porn), and
I’ve felt like he’s constantly hiding something from me.

Well, a few days ago, I caught him in another lie, and I told him we
were either going to see a marriage counselor or I was leaving. He
agreed to counseling. Later that night, however, he decided to tell me
that he has a compulsion to wear women’s underwear, and it excites him sexually more than anything. He’s been buying women’s lingerie since
before we knew each other and has worn my underwear multiple times. I
got pretty upset by this, not because I think there’s anything wrong
with him desiring cross-dressing, but because he now wants to make it
part of our sex life even though it’s a complete turnoff for me. I’m all for exploring a kink, but I also feel like this is a desire I should
have been told about since the start of our relationship. The way he
talks about it, he makes it sound like cross-dressing is the only thing
that gets him going sometimes. If he HAS to have it as part of his sex
life, what should I do if I just can’t get into it? I don’t want him
hiding things from me again, but I also don’t enjoy the idea of having
sex while he’s wearing women’s lingerie. Is there any way to get through this?

—Boy Shorts

Dear Boy Shorts,

I remember reading Dan Savage’s answers to questions almost exactly like yours when I was in my pubescent years. By which I mean you’re by no
means alone, and this isn’t a new phenomenon. Fetish mismatches happen
in relationships, one partner masturbating to the point of
unavailability happens in relationships, and partners hiding kinks and
quirks happens in relationships.

Sometimes just airing the secret does a lot of good.
To move forward, you’ve got a few options. You could try to trade off—engage in sex that involves women’s lingerie sometimes, and whatever gets you off most other times—presuming you can power through, to use
your words, a complete turnoff for the sake of your husband’s pleasure. Focusing on the joy it gives him, how turned on it makes him feel, and
how much you want to see him happy and aroused might be enough for you
to engage. You won’t know for sure unless you give it a serious try.

You could leave your husband largely to his masturbatory practices. When
he’s feeling exclusively cross-dressery, he can handle himself like he’s been doing for years. You’ll be ignoring that part of the man you
married, but that isn’t necessarily worse than giving up on someone you clearly care for. You might take up or spend more time on masturbation yourself.

Or you could wait and see if, now that the cat is out of the bag, your
husband is able to reserve an erection for you often enough to keep you satisfied. His reluctance to tell you about this apparently important
facet of his sexuality has driven a wedge between you, but sometimes
just airing the secret does a lot of good. You can also talk about
opening up the relationship, whether that freedom is just for you or a
mutual arrangement.

Mostly, I want to make sure you don’t lose sight of the couples’ therapy agreement. It might be easy to get distracted by this surprising, slinky secret, but keep your eyes on the goal and make sure you get there. You
have understandable anger surrounding your husband’s more-than-five-year silence around something that has affected his behavior toward you and
your relationship to each other. Getting an expert in to help you two
work through this conflict in real time seems crucial.

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