This guy never follows through with anything.

"John Henry - May 6, 2019
The reality is, I'm basically useless now."

Stop beating yourself up on that account. You've always been useless.

"The mere thought of going job hunting fills me with existential dread."

Everyone has noticed.

"God knows how much trouble I'm in with my student loans. I can't trust
my friends anymore - and in some cases for damned good reason, you can
only tip your hand so many times to being one of the actors involved in
the destruction of my life and expect me to ignore obvious tells...like particular sorts of harassment that only begin shortly after a meatspace conversation involving only two people discussing precisely that kind of harassment."

Guess who's still paranoid even now?

"I've been struggling so hard, for so long, and let so many people down
in the process. Last year someone sent me $700 to get dentures, and all
they asked is that I send them a hand-written letter sometime. I still
haven't written it."

So close to understanding why everyone walks away from a neverending
mooching!

"I sit down thinking I'm going to finally put together that
comprehensive resume, and I'm five minutes in when I realize that not
only don't I know what the hell I'm doing, the vast majority of jobs
I've held were with companies that no longer exist working for people
who aren't even alive anymore, and my best possible reference was
screwed to death by petty little tyrants pretending to run a music
company but really running a box-moving company specializing in instrument-shaped boxes, petty little tyrants who I told explicitly hey,
I'm on some new psych meds and it may have some effects on my behavior,
so you know, if something seems off it's probably the meds...and when
the something that seemed off was my outrage at being lied to, conned
into bad faith sales, and having my knees broken at the starting line of
a race I was promised I wouldn't be running to begin with, they used it
as an excuse to can me...conveniently hiding behind right-to-work laws
to ensure that as long as they didn't openly admit that they were really
firing me because they didn't like the new attitude that came with the temporary relief from constant suicidal fantasizing, they could get away
with it. And they did."

Bad faith sales? I've purchased from Musician's Friend/Guitar Center for
years and I've never heard of anything of the sort. I've never had a
complaint about their products. In fact, I've gotten some unbelievable
deals on cases, pedals and strings. The few (used) instruments I've
bought used from there were ridiculously underpriced and of better than expected quality.

"Then the crescendo of harassment and stalking that ended with a
spurious bullshit complaint to Lyft that cost me not just a week's wages
but ultimately my home, my car, most of my possessions, and - I'm
increasingly concerned - what was left of my functional sanity."

You thought you were impressing the rubes by talking about work? I'd say
you ost what sense and sanity you might have had well before then.

"I just want to put on my shoes and start walking, get the fuck out of everyone's hair and out of everyone's minds and out of everyone's life
and world, stop inflicting myself on people I love (even when their
feelings in return are questionable to obviously saccharine at best),
and disappear. Shave my head, join a monastary, run away to a Unabomber
cabin in the woods."

Not a word of righting the many wrongs you inflicted on your family,
Beth Aultman and others? Thanks for confirming that slime miolds look
down on you.

"And the world just moves on. The people who hold primary
responsibility for the external pressures that broke my life - as if
there was much there to break anyway, but apparently the idea of me
having the slightest bit of genuine self-love or self-confidence is
brutally offensive to the universe - continue raking in hundreds of
thousands of dollar a year while they continue to pollute this nation's political discourse with bias pandering "news" that has little to no
positive impact on anything or anyone, other than the bank accounts of
the scumbags who create it. I've predicted, loudly and publicly and for DECADES, so much of what we're now facing as a nation and a species, and
so much of it was completely avoidable if people had just listened."

Why would anyone listen to you unless they wanted to lose their savings?

"Now I hate myself for being a bad messenger and the circus continues
unabated. I've been saying since *I* was in high school that we're
being deliberately stupefied and misled, and if we weren't careful we
would get to the point when even the teachers and leaders of our
cultures would be unable to think clearly enough to avoid this country's suicide...and while it's unfair to that small group of folks who have
listened to say "nobody's listening," the reality is that maybe one out
of every four thousand people who have consumed any media I've created
in the last two decades have given it a second thought or taken it with
the least bit of seriousness. We're absolutely awash in unqualified,
basely motivated traitors for cash, and we just keep sharing their memes
and liking their pages because social approval - i.e. our egos - is more important to us than actually getting things right or really even caring
if they're right...as long as our friends like our post, that's all that matters, and if our post causes a few hundred deaths because we're
preaching anti-vaxx hysteria or causes a bumbling cut-rate tinpot tyrant
to ascend to the presidency because we refuse to break out of the
obvious plays to our egos through associating gender or race (and then
of course decrying anyone who points this out as sexist and racist),
well, that's okay because it really makes the other guy mad and that's
so, so funny. I'm completely crippled. I try to write and nothing of
value comes out. I try to help and invariably make things worse every
time I do or say anything. And because clearly my own existing mental
health issues weren't enough, I've got a collection of forces aligned
and working against me that would make even the most battle-hardened
political candidate cringe...and of course, because it's 2019, they're
able to pull this off in such a way, and they're willing to take it to
such lengths, that it's impossible to even credit it without questioning
your sanity. Nobody would believe the shit that I've been fighting
against - *I* don't even believe it, and I've seen it and lived through
it and read the logs and watched the back-channel discussions among
major left-wing page and website operators about how to put an end to me
and I still couldn't take it seriously even after it destroyed me. And
I'm just too big a pussy to take that last step over the edge and have
done with it."

Please get it over with. I dare you. It's another lie from you.

"Just *thinking* about going through this dog and pony show of
interviews and hope and disappointment in a desperate attempt to avoid
being permanently institutionalized or dying alone and miserable in an
alleyway somewhere makes me want to vomit, literally. My stomach turns
and flutters, my hands and forehead break out in a cold sweat, I shake
and I sleep too much and I don't want to do anything, not even make
music. I have to force myself to practice and I only manage that every
couple of weeks...and of course that shitty e-kit with the oddball sized
heads that nobody in the world actually carries is slowly breaking down
and I won't have that either. Most of my memories are lost, every bit
of effort I've put into anything has been wasted, I can't finish
anything, I can't follow through on anything, I can't succeed at
anything other than being a miserable incompetent wreck, and frankly the
idea that anyone would give a damn is even more disturbing than the idea
that nobody does because for god's sakes why would anyone want to give a
damn about a shitty old maladjusted semi-hippie reject with pretty hair
in the first place?"

You think your best attribute is "pretty hair"? Sad.

"It's nice to think that it'll all turn around, but it won't. It's nice
to think that someone is sitting around on a pile of money just waiting
to find someone like me to give it to just to prove that it really is
economic tyranny that makes the difference between a life well lived and
a life wasted, that someone's sitting there just waiting for that
charismatic misanthrope to throw their power behind and really make
things happen...but someone isn't, I can't afford it, and I've destroyed
my life trying."

So you want someone else to be Beth Aultman? When does your mooching
ever stop? How many lives have you destroyed, John?

"Even when I sold my soul and joined corporate america, I couldn't get
more than a fraction of wholesale because I'm too stupid to be a good capitalist. My life is over, and I'm just too fucking stupid to lay down
and die gracefully. Sorry."

You sure are! But feel free to stop being a drain on society sometime
soon. Yesterday will do just fine.

--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
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