Deranged Stu vs. Viper
Written By Logan Gunz
(We come back from commercial to a shot of the Hard-Core Night monolith.
This is the night that all the degenerate CWO fans wait for. This is the mother of all evils to wrestling purists, this is the night when the big feuds are settled, this is the night when the blood flows like water.
The camera pans through the legions of blood-thirsty war mongers in the
CWO arena. As is vogue these days, several of the fans have brought signs...."Where is Jammin'???", "Whoever Killed Luther....THANK YOU!!!", "SPIDER IS A CRY-BABY!!!", "LE SUX" and so on and so forth. After
spinning through the crowd the camera takes us to the most familiar of places....the announcer's booth. Seated in their usual places are [from
left to right] Flea, Bevan, and Pub.)
Mercer: Now where did you say that chick lived again????
Flea: Take a left on Main street and go down about two blo--....
(Flea has suddenly noticed the little red light on the camera)
Flea: Hey!!!! We're back wrestling fans!!!!
Bevan: Welcome to yet another edition of CWO late-night......
Mercer: That sounds like a porn channel. Is Dr. Nick starting to dabble
into that too???
Flea: Probably...did he ever show you the picture of....
Bevan: (interrupting, but Flea and Pub continue their conversation
behind Bevan's back) HARD-CORE NIGHT!!!!! The night when anything can
and usually does happen. I'm Ken "The Smooth One" Bevan along with the
usual cast of characters. To my right, Flea....and to my left, the one
and only Ed "Pub" Mercer!!!!
Mercer: Really!!!! He's got one of her???? DOING WHAT!!!!
Flea: I'm telling you.....it's a MUST see.
Mercer: Nick been holding out on me, he told me he only had pictures of
the 8 year-olds....
Flea: You have to catch him after a few cocktails, that's when he breaks
out the REAL stash.
Mercer: How many does it usually take???
Bevan: (before this goes too far) Alright guys.....ENOUGH!!
(Flea and Pub are taken aback by Bevan's sudden outburst.)
Bevan: We're here to commentate on wrestling, not to expose the world to
the corruption and perversion of the CWO higher ups. They see enough of
that from watching CWO TV.
Flea: (innocently) There's corruption in the CWO hierarchy???
Bevan: Well....uhhh....ummmm....that's what Pub told me.
(Pub looks shocked that Bevan has passed the buck to him)
Mercer: I told you nothing.....I SWEAR!!!! I haven't said a word!!! Absolutely no one knows about the.......
(Pub covers his mouth before he lets too much escape)
Bevan: Well, I think it's smart if we just move right along to our next match-up....
Flea: Yeah, let's do that, maybe we'll all still have jobs tomorrow.
Mercer: I've got a lifetime contract...
(Pub sticks his tongue out at Bev and Flea......mocking them in their
worries about job security and benefits.)
Bevan: Next up we have the return of a CWO veteran, Deranged Stu. He'll
be taking on a newcomer to the CWO, Viper.
Flea: It's good to see some of the veteran's make their way back to the
CWO.
Mercer: Yeah, just wonderful, I don't think I could've lived if I had
never seen another Deranged Stu match.
Bevan: C'mon Pub......Stu is one of the most beloved wrestlers in CWO history!!!!
Flea: Yeah, not to mention he's a former United States Champion.
Mercer: He lost the belt to Smash for Christ's sakes!!!!! He never
pinned anyone while he was champion. If it hadn't of been for Jack
Harper choking on that sign, Stu's reign would've only lasted for a few weeks!!!!
(Flea and Bev realize that once again.....Pub has a point.)
Bevan: Viper will be looking for some more success. He was victorious in
his debut against Ben Toussi....
Mercer: There's something to be proud of.
Flea: Hey......Ben Toussi beat me!!!!
Mercer: I rest my case.
Bevan: Ok you two....that's enough. Let's take it to the ring.
--IN-RING--
Generic Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen this next match on CWO Hard Core Night is a Barbwire Match!!!!!!! Introducing first, standing 6 feet 2
inches tall and weighing in at 235 pounds... from Toronto, Ontario, he
is accompanied to the ring by lovely Sandra Evenhart and his tag team
partner Ice "The Finisher"......ladies and gentlemen, this is VVVVIIIIIPPPPPPEEEEEERRRR!!!!!
(The lights in the arena go out. Noises like snakes slithering and
hissing are heard, on the techno tran screen behind the wrestler
entrance a snakes head appears. It's eyes glow red, red lights paint the interior of the arena. Viper's theme music begins to play over the loudspeaker. Sandra steps through the curtains, Ice and Viper follow
close behind her. The crowd gives them a moderate response. Ice and
Viper acknowledge the crowd by raising their arms into the air. Viper
steps onto the ramp makes his way to the ring, Ice and Sandra return to
the backstage through the curtains.)
Bevan: Probably a good idea to send the women away from the ring.
Hard-Core Night tends to get ugly.
Mercer: Probably was a good idea to send "The Finisher" back too.....he sucks.
Generic Announcer: ...and his opponent
(A loud YEEEEEEEHHAAAAAAAA is heard through the crowd. The fans begin to
go balistic. Suddenly out of nowhere......Deranged Stu goes soaring over
the crowd. Stretched out like Superman and wearing a black cape with the letters "DS" on the back in silver. Stu's music begins to play as he
soars back and forth and left and right. He continually poses as if he
is Superman. Finally he soars and lands in the ring.)
GA: Standing 6 foot 3 inches tall and weighing in at 253 pounds... from Dallas, Texas, the Former CWO US Heavyweight Champion, Deranged SSSSTTTTUUUUUU!!!!!!!
(Stu rips off his cape to reveal a black shirt with the Superman-like
upside down triangle. It is silver and contains the letters "DS" inside
it. The fans go crazy.....and so does Stu, he immediately attacks
Viper.)
Bevan: Deranged Stu wasting no time here. Chops to the chest of Viper
back him into the corner!
Mercer: That's it.....call Bellevue. Stu has finally gone off the deep
end.
Bevan: The former US champ with repeated knees to the stomach of Viper!
Viper being choked out by Deranged Stu! Stu releases and they
lockup....scoop slam by Stu! Viper goes down! Deranged Stu sends Viper
to the barbwire, Viper drops to the mat!
Flea: Maybe we should start calling him "Vicious" Stu, he's all over Viper!!!!
Mercer: He didn't look so damn vicious when that idiot Bamm Smash
Attackked him five times....
Bevan: A normal man can't take much of that kind of punishment, I think
it's a testament to Stu that he is still willing to get into the ring
after that. Back to the action....the former US champ rolls out to the
floor, and Viper follows after! Stu grabs Viper by the thoat is choking
away at Viper on the outside! Deranged Stu picks up one of the chairs
from ringside!!!! [OHHH! CRACK!!!]
Flea: He broke the chair! He just broke a wooden chair over Viper's
head!!!!
Bevan: WOW!
Mercer: Trust me, Viper didn't feel a thing. Going after his head is the worst place you can hit someone of his mental calibur......
Bevan: Stu is playing to the crowd a little, Viper is getting to his
feet though. Viper grabs the timekeepers chair and smacks Deranged Stu
in the back! Deranged Stu goes flying head first into the gaurdrail at
the hands of Viper and the chair! Viper brings him to his feet and slams
Stu onto the time keepers table! Viper now.....beginning to gloat a
little, he's turned his back on Stu!!! Stu has a chair, a kick to the
mid section by Viper and the chair goes to the floor! Venomizer on the
chair, OH MY!! Viper now grabbing Stus head, neckbreaker! Good move by
Viper! These two athletes are enduring so much in this match!
Flea: How Stu survived the Venomizer on the chair I have no idea!?!?!
Mercer: He's another one of those guys that you will never hurt by
hitting him in the head!!!
Bevan: Stu with a running lariat that takes down Viper. Deranged Stu now choking away at Viper on the outside! Now moving back into the ring is Deranged Stu. The former US champ pulling Viper up to the apron.....
SUPLEX into the ring! Viper back up and they lockup....scoop slam by
Deranged Stu! Viper goes down! Stu whips Viper to the corner!
Mercer: This is getting boring......where's the blood????
Bevan: Now he's dragging his arm across the barbwire! Look at the
blood!!!!!!
Mercer: Now we're talking!!!!!
Flea: (getting queazy from the sight of the blood) *I don't feel so
good.*
Mercer: Quit being a wussy!!!!! There is nothing like beer and blood on
a Saturday night.
(Flea turns about three shades of green)
Bevan: Viper whips the former US champ to the barbwire, Sut's back is
cut severely by the wire, back drop sends the former US champ to the
floor! Slingshot over the top, flying forearm by Viper! Viper grabs the timekeepers chair, pounding Deranged Stu! Uppercut chops to the throat
and neck of Deranged Stu! Deranged Stu reaches to the floor and now has
a chair, Viper also has a chair! They are beating each other senseless
here!
Mercer: They didn't have far to beat each other for that.
Bevan: Deranged Stu goes flying head first into the gaurdrail! Viper
picks up Deranged Stu dropping him across the gaurdrail!! Just look at
the blood soaked ring area!!!!!
Flea: I think I'm going to throw up......
Bevan: These two atheletes are enduring so much in this match! Viper
picks up Stu dropping him across the gaurdrail again!! Uppercut chops to
the throat and neck of Deranged Stu! Now moving back into the ring is
Viper! Slingshot over the top, missile dropkick by Viper that send Stu
up and over the guardrail! Viper has the time keepers bell. OH! and he
just nailed the former US champ right in the head as Stu was climbing
bak over the railing!
Mercer: No one listens to me.....you won't beat him by hitting him in
the head!!!!!!
Bevan: Powerful blows to the head, follows up with a knee to the
abdominals. Viper throws Deranged Stu into the ring, and goes in after
him! Viper sends Deranged Stu to the barbwire, Stu drops to the
mat.....the cuts on his back are open even more!
Flea: *Does anyone have a paper bag????*
Bevan: Viper whips Deranged Stu to the barbed wire, hip toss sends him
out to the floor!
Mercer: (notices Flea is a very pale shade.) Don't even think about
turning this way Flea-bag.
Bevan: Down on that floor is a very dangerous place for Deranged Stu to
be right now! Viper goes up top, flying down to the floor with double
axe handle!
Mercer: I mean it Flea......Bevan's suit didn't cost that much. HIT
HIM!!!!
Bevan: Viper now with a suplex, Deranged Stu hit the rail!! Powerful
blows to the head, follows up with a knee to the abdominals.
Flea: *All the blood.....uuuggghhhh....I shouldn't have eaten
first.....*
Bevan: Viper slamming Stus head into the steel steps. Now moving back
into the ring is Viper! Viper pulling Stu up to the apron by his hair,
SUPLEX into the ring! Viper whips Deranged Stu to the wire!
(A thud is heard as Flea passes out......Mercer and Bev don't even
notice.)
Bevan: Look at the pain on Deranged Stu's face!! Viper picks him up and
drops him over the barbwire!! Stu rolls out to the floor, and Viper is
hot on his trail! Viper grabs the timekeepers chair, pounding Deranged
Stu!
Mercer: This has to be the first match I've enjoyed watching in
months!!!!
Bevan: The former US champ now has a chair, a swift shot to the groin by Viper and the chair goes to the floor! DDT on the chair, OH MY!! Viper
just hit Stu with the Venomizer on the steel chair......AGAIN!!! Viper
moving away the mats at ringside, picks up the former US champ
PILEDRIVER on the bare floor! Now Viper lifting Deranged Stu into a, PILEDRIVER!! He's going to do it again!!!!! Viper picks up Deranged Stu PILEDRIVER!! OH MY GOD.....THREE PILEDRIVER ONTO THE CONCRETE!!!! Stu
isn't moving. Viper rolls Stu into the ring. He picks up Stu and signals
for it......NO!!!! NO!!!!!!
Mercer: YES!!!!
Bevan: Viper with another Venomizer on Deranged Stu.....please cover the
man and bring this to an end.
Mercer: NO......DO IT AGAIN!!!!!
Bevan: Viper goes for the cover...
Peterson: ...1 ...2 ...3
Bevan: Mercifully.......Viper has pinned and possibly seriously injured Deranged Stu!!!!
GA: Here is your winner.......VVVVIIIIIPPPPPEEEEERRRRRR!!!!!!
(Viper's theme music begins to play. Ice and Sandra run down to ringside
and climb through the barb-wire to greet their triumphant hero while Stu
lays motionless on the mat. They stand three abreast in the center of
the ring with their arms held high. Suddenly the crowd begins to come up
in a maniacal cheer....)
Bevan & Mercer: Oh my GOD!!!!
(Ice turns around to see what the commotion is all about. As he turns
the camera catches a shot of a bloodied Stu with a rather insane grin on
his face and a chair in his hand.)
SSSSMMMMAAAACCCCKKKKK!!!!!
Bevan: Stu just laid out "The Finisher"!!!!!
(Viper turns around to see what happened....and yep, you guessed it!!!)
SSSSSMMMMMAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!
Bevan: AND VIPER!!!!!!!
(Stu puts his cape back on and soars back to the top of the CWO arena.
He stands on one of the rafters.....cape blowing in the wind in a
Superman like pose, chair in hand!!!!)
Bevan: I can't believe it!!!! Stu basically returned from the dead!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!! Fans we'll be back......
(Bevan and Pub finally notice Flea passed out as we fade to a
commercial.)
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