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I’d have loved nothing more than to give Ghostbusters a glowing
review. Seriously! Can you imagine a better troll? Extolling the
virtues of a film that my loyal readership has been warring with
social justice warriors over for months?
But I can’t. You see, I strive to be honest with my audience. I
went into Ghostbusters with a clear and impartial mindset, like
some tall, slim, and devastatingly handsome statue of justice.
(But no blindfold. It would be a crime to cover up these eyes.)

Ugh, I don’t know what to tell you. Ghostbusters is terrible.
It’s more obvious than the reading on an EKG-meter in Zuul’s
bedroom. The only frame of reference in which this movie
functions is as a meta-movie, in which the Ghostbusters
franchise is treated like a vampire in a Hammer Horror from the
60s. The beloved franchise from our childhood with a stake
driven through its heart, head chopped off, body burned and
buried at a crossroads.

The overarching problem with Ghostbusters is that the script is
a greater abomination to God than any of the demons and ghosts
in the franchise. I’m sure they could have done a worse job, but
they’d have to study Tobin’s Spirit Guide to summon a script
from an even deeper circle of Hell.

Mostly, it’s a lack of intelligence. In the original movie, the
bad guys weren’t actually the ghosts — everybody loves Slimer
and the Marshmallow Man. No, the bad guys were the clueless
bureaucrats in the government, who set off a supernatural crisis
through bumbling and red tape.

In this film, by contrast, the enemy is all men, while the
government ends up playing dad. Every man in the movie is a
combination of malevolent and moronic. The chick ‘busters shame
the mayor so much they end up getting government funding at the
end. Like all feminists, they can only survive by sucking on the
teat of Big Government.

I’ll skip over the vacuous and incoherent plot. You won’t
understand it watching the movie and you won’t understand it
reading my summary so who cares. This, unlike any movie I’ve
ever seen before, seems to have been conceived entirely out of
spite, with the result that its plot is largely irrelevant.

Let’s focus on how this movie will be interrogated by audiences:
its style and politics. The weak, Twitter-style feminist quips
come off as lame, unfunny, and resentful. This is especially
puzzling in light of the women in the original movies, who
captured the range of tough broads one finds in New York City.

Janine even acted as a Ghostbuster in the cartoon series,
without it being hailed as a revolutionary act of feminist girl
power. What we are left with is a movie to help lonely middle-
aged women feel better about themselves after being left on the
shelf. It’s an overpriced self-esteem device for women betrayed
by the lies of third-wave feminism.

Despite pandering to the kind of woman who thinks misandry is a
positive lifestyle choice, Ghostbusters is remarkably unkind to
its female leads. Abigail is repellant and fat. Holtzmann is a
clownish, lip-syncing drag queen. Erin is a forgettable, low-
rent Jennifer Aniston clone. Patty is a two dimensional racist
stereotype by even the most forgiving measure.

Patty is the worst of the lot. The actress is spectacularly
unappealing, even relative to the rest of the odious cast. But
it’s her flat-as-a-pancake black stylings that ought to have
irritated the SJWs. I don’t get offended by such things, but
they should.

Ghostbusters, the film acting as standard bearer for the social
justice left, is full of female characters that are simply stand-
ins for men plus a black character worthy of a minstrel show.
Remember, the original film not only represented women well, but
also had Winston Zeddemore, the character with his feet most
firmly on the ground in the entire movie.

Ghostbusters is afraid to acknowledge the shortcomings of any of
its female characters, perhaps fearing the wrath of their target
audience, which, after all, is never satisfied. (Literally.
Which is perhaps why Sony did a deal with Hostess to sell
Ghostbusters-branded Twinkies.)

What we are left with is a movie completely incapable of
laughing at itself. Chris Hemsworth, dumb secretary, is the only
actor who betrays any sense of self-awareness. As a result, he
steals every scene he’s in.

To the point of weirdness. Hemsworth’s scenes move to an
entirely different beat, as if we step into a different film
when he’s on screen. The timing is off, relative to the rest of
the movie. But irrespective of his strong performance, Hemsworth
is still there to make men look like idiots and villains.

The ladies, by contrast, bravely brandish their particle
throwers like phalluses, which is a clue to where Ghostbusters
went wrong.

The leads are searching for the friendly, buddyish camaraderie
that men often build together, especially in dangerous jobs.
This doesn’t ring true, because they aren’t dudes — even though
they think, act and look like guys. These teenage boys with tits
snigger at queef jokes — which no woman ever does — within the
first ten minutes of the movie.

Compare the female Ghostbusters with my favorite female
character of all time, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buffy’s
feminine qualities are part of her strength. She saves the world
using her female vulnerability, not in spite of it. In fact, her
femininity is the only thing that makes her capable of heroic
feats.

The petty, two-dimensional feminist posturing of Ghostbusters is
demeaning to all four of its leads, particularly when you
consider how complex and interesting the film could have been
with someone like Joss Whedon at the helm.

The spattering of negative and lukewarm reviews that are now
piling up is brave for the leftist establishment media. These
writers are risking being labelled sexist bigots, a fate worse
for a liberal than running out of quinoa and humous while your
vegan boyfriend is staying over.

But most of the press realizes that whatever shreds of
credibility it has left would be utterly lost by giving this
film an unqualifiedly positive review.

LIVE on #Periscope: We just saw Ghostbusters
https://t.co/PT55kwpXba

— Milo Yiannopoulos ?? (@Nero) July 17, 2016

Just consider the feminist uproar directed at James Rolfe for
the crime of announcing he wouldn’t see or review the movie.
Rolfe was called a bigot without even doing a negative review.
Feminists have invented like an innovative form of feminist pre-
crime.

The feminists themselves commit plenty of crimes. Spoiler alert:
they kill Bill Murray. They don’t just kill him; the movie
chucks him out of a window. It’s a clumsy metaphor for the
treatment of boys in college campus kangaroo courts and in
general in public life these days.

This film has already killed everything good about the
franchise. Murray was the final human sacrifice. Maybe he asked
for his character to be killed to safely rule him out from
whatever hellishly banal sequel Sony is already working on.

By the way: the special effects are horrifically lazy and ugly.
Did the entire budget for this movie go into craft services? The
finale is confused and feels like it’s trying to be Gremlins 2
but without any lightness of touch or character development
given to its supernatural subjects.

A lack of intelligence and subtlety is the movie’s second great
failing, after the poor script. The third great flaw is the bad
guy. The villain in Ghostbusters is the most unsatisfying bad
guy in my film memory. He is the opposite of a morally ambiguous
Batman villain. There is no complexity, no backstory, just a
beta-male dork for feminists to bully.

If the bad guy in Ghostbusters followed the Ghostbusters on
Twitter, he would be asking for permission before retweeting
their boorish, teenage boy jokes and furtively Googling findom
mistresses.

Besides being stunningly handsome, friendly to the proletariat,
and blessed with a beautiful singing voice, I am always months
ahead of the curve. Back in early May I wrote about how terrible
this film was likely to be.

Go ahead and take a few minutes to enjoy my analysis of what we
knew about the film following its YouTube trailer. You’ll note
the delicate hand and sensitive approach I use with the
regressive left — it’s becoming my trademark!

But another trademark of mine is gilding my criticism with
helpful suggestions. What director Paul Feig needed to make this
picture work is a script doctor to turn groans into laughs and
yawns into cheering. Although I am new to Hollywood, I think I
have the skills necessary to put together a much more effective
feminist Ghostbusters story.

It’s time to start again, with a movie that has integrity. So
here are my suggestions for a fresh, true-to-life feminist
reboot of the franchise.

1) The film should open with a team of competent male
Ghostbusters coordinating their fire and deploying equipment in
a businesslike manner. Their prey appears to be a screaming
banshee, a nightmare specter intent on dooming all around her to
death.

It turns out to be a terrible mistake: the screaming banshee is
one of our female leads, angry at a restaurant server for using
the wrong pronouns. She sues the Ghostbusters, taking over their
whole operation, and then hires her friends to be the new
Ghostbusters.

2) The Ghostbusters determine the best course is an all-female
team, to secure lucrative government subsidies and Title IX
certification. Like the military, they have problems finding
women who can pass their rigorous testing, so they are forced to
relax the physical standards for potential employees.

As a result, the two gals who aren’t beasts of burden are unable
to carry their heavy proton packs into battle, and use cute
motorized scooters to transport them. These are known as Ecto-2
and Ecto-3, and are each worth a cool million in merchandising.

3) Crossing the streams is not only allowed, it is encouraged.
It is also renamed to ‘scissoring the streams’, blatant
pandering to the film’s heavily lesbian core demographic. (I’m
using the word “heavily” on purpose.)

4) An early mission for the new team will be a disturbance at
a health food store. An obese female ghost is tearing the place
apart, upset she can’t find anything tasty to eat. Maybe she is
worried she will be late to the ghostly JC Penney sale. Anyway,
she is being lectured in the health food store by the ghost of
Dr. Atkins who wants her to shed weight.

The Ghostbusters capture Dr. Atkins while scolding him that
“Ghosts can be healthy at any size.” The girls point the portly
poltergeist toward the nearest pizza shop and try to give her a
high five on the way out, but the ghost is so large she slimes
them all.

5) Every Ghostbusters movie needs a scene where all the captured
ghosts are released on an unsuspecting city. Our fiendishly
clever antagonist will organize all the ghosts in containment to
identify as living people.

The Ghostbusters face a tsunami of bad press accusing them of
bigotry towards the trans-living, resulting in them releasing
the apprehended apparitions to wreak havoc once again.

6) The happy memory that turns into a monster will be of comfort
to the ladies. That’s right, they have to fight a giant tub of
Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. To make matters worse, they won’t
have their equipment to fight it, since they accused their male
secretary (Brad Pitt in a cameo) of mansplaining when he
suggested their put their proton packs on the charger.

They have to take this ice cream down the old fashioned way,
with big spoons, crying, romantic comedies streaming on their
smartphones.

7) In the final act we meet the real enemy of the female
Ghostbusters— their parents’ dead hopes and dreams. Will the
phantasmagorical manifestation of pure disappointment at the
lack of grandchildren be too great for our stunning and brave
womyn to overcome?

Will they finally show daddy, through piercings, pretension and
proton packs that they don’t care what he thinks anyways? This
is the sort of dramatic tension that is needed to make a
successful summer tent-pole movie.

Yeah, the theater was nearly empty.

Follow Milo Yiannopoulos (@Nero) on Twitter and Facebook. Hear
him every Friday on The Milo Yiannopoulos Show. Write to Milo at milo@breitbart.com.

http://www.breitbart.com/tech/2016/07/18/milo-reviews-
ghostbusters/
 

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