TEXAS (The Borowitz Report)—Thousands of hardened criminals poured into Texas over the weekend after learning how easy it is to secure an acquittal there.
Interstate freeways were reportedly backed up for miles as acquittal-seeking perpetrators sought to put down roots in soft-on-crime Texas.
Harland Dorrinson, a self-styled recidivist who has been convicted in Ohio, Missouri, and Wisconsin, said that he was heading to the Lone Star state because, “in Texas, no one is below the law.”
“An acquittal is yours for the asking if you’re white, male, and nefarious,” he said. “I check all the boxes.”
When told that one must also be elected as a Republican in order to qualify for Texas’s special “conviction exemption,” the career criminal was unfazed, noting that “even Greg Abbott” managed to do that.
https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/criminals-flood-into-texas-after-learning-how-easy-it-is-to-get-acquitted
TB
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