An Abecedarium of Noninflammanda
(= An Alphabet of Things That Should Not be Set on Fire)
A completion of "Never Set the Cat on Fire" by Frank Hayes
© 2011 Mark A. Mandel
(= An Alphabet of Things That Should Not be Set on Fire)

A: Never set the "@" on fire,
It's highly antisocial.
Instead of "STUPID #$%&*(! LIAR!!!!"
Try something less emot'nal.
Alternatives you might select
Are "wrong", "mistaken", "incorrect"...
And never set the "@" on fire.

B*: Never set the bat on fire
To fatten up your average.
The press is certain to inquire
What made you act so savage.
Please understand, it isn't that
They speak of as a "blazing bat"...
And never set the bat on fire.

C: Never set the cat on fire:
She doesn't need assistance.
On Hanukkah she walked among
Menorahs at close distance.
You should have heard her angry wail
When someone grabbed her flaming tail...
The cat can set herself on fire.

D: Never set the "drat" on fire
When someone else you're quoting.
If he avoids high Heaven's ire
When verbally emoting,
Do not indulge in dysphemism
By using words that aren't his'n...
[ttot “The Captain of the Pinafore”, G&S]
What, never?
No, never!
What, never?
[spoken]: Well...
Hardly ever!
Don’t substitute a big, big “D”!
And never set the drat on fire.

E: Never set E-flat on fire;
Handel used G major.
For the Royal Fireworks;
Transpose, but do not plagiar-
ize--
Though if you’re playing jazz that's hot
In concert or in some night spot,
[spoken:] Man, you can go
ahead and set E-flat on fire!
And mind your manners
As circumstances may require,
Don't set those cats and chicks on fire.

F: Never set the frat on fire
In a drunken revel.
An effort so complex and dire
Demands a head quite level.
You wouldn't want to light the match
And then go fumbling for the latch...
Don't drink before you set a fire.

G: Never set da gat on fire
Widout you foist unload it.
As tempachuhs keep gettin' higher
Da ammo gets exploded.
An' if da barrel points your way
Youse will not see anudda day...
Don't never set da gat on fire.

H*: Never set the hat on fire
When it's atop your victim.
Though it should be his funeral pyre
You can't be sure you've licked him.
It may produce a sword instead
For lopping off your serpent's head...
Don't set the Sorting Hat on fire.
And bind all others
As circumstances may require,
And never set the hat on fire.

I: Never set IATA on fire [as an acronym: "eye-AT-a"]
When contemplating travel.
The worldwide web of airline traffic
Quickly will unravel.
You may be told while in midair
"Your pilot can't land anywhere."
So never set IATA on fire.

L: Never set Lestat on fire,
He's just too bloody handsome.
Though people label him "vampire",
I'd gladly pay his ransom.
There's something in those glowing eyes
That almost ... seems ... to ... hyp-no-tize
me...
Nev-er set Le-stat on fire.

M*: Never set the mat on fire--
That's no way to employ it.
Whatever else you may desire,
You'll probably destroy it.
Avoid exposing it, likewise,
To acids and to alkalis.
No, never set the mat on fire.
And mind your manor
As circumstances may require
And never set the mat on fire.

O: Never set the oats on fire
Ere the end of harvest.
If thine own crop thou burn entire
Thy family thou starvest.
And if thy neighbor's field thou burn
Eternal fire thou shalt earn.
Nay, never set the oats on fire.

P: Never set St. Pat's on fire:
It's both revered and noted.
And we New Yorkers don't desire
It damaged or exploded.
Though you can burn a simulation
To film The Stars My Destination,
Never set St. Pat's on fire.

Q: Never set the 'quat on fire,
You really shouldn't waste it.
If rind and fruit are carbonized
No one will want to taste it.
The kumquat's such a special treat
Why render it unfit to eat?
No, never set the 'quat on fire.

R: Never set the rat on fire:
It's inhumane and wicked.
The folks from PETA will conspire
Outside your lab to picket.
The creature's blameless, as they've said,
So run your tests on them instead
And never set the rat on fire.

S: Never set the SWAT on fire:
They'll fire back right at you.
The Special Weapons ASSault team
Is highly trained to catch you.
Not "ASSault", but "AssAULT" I meant--
I'm really very sorry, gents!!
Don't ever set the SWAT on fire.

T*: Never set the twat on fire...
Let's not even go there.

U: Don't set fire to UNIVAC,
That early great com-pute-air.
While doing so would not hold back
Development of hardware,
It was a wonder in its time
Though clumsy as that second rhyme...
So don't set UNIVAC on fire.

V: Never set the vat on fire;
Be careful what you're doing.
The recipe should not require
Ignition during brewing.
And if the flames should jump the rim
Your prospects may be rather grim,
So never set the vat on fire.

W: "Never set the what on fire?"
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
Your thoughts would certainly inspire
Me, if I could get near you.
When filking's done, and we can think,
I hope you'll tell me over a drink
What else I shouldn't set on fire.

X: Never set all Xanth on fire,
The Demon will not thank you.
You'd better not arouse his ire
Or, at the least, he'll spank you.
I dare not guess and won't invent
What else he'd do for punishment!
No, never set all Xanth on fire.

Y: Never set the yacht on fire
With anyone aboard it.
Their kin a wergild will require;
You prob'ly can't afford it.
Exceptions may be granted for
Royal funerals or times of war.
Else, never set the yacht on fire.

Z*: Never set the zat on fire,
Don't even think of trying.
No creature's known to travel higher
While over Lankhmar flying.
If you don't know, you'll quickly learn:
In vacuum, baby, you can't burn...
Don't try to set the zat on fire.

-------------------------------

The following letters are not used in Modern English,
but in Old and Middle English they were.
They are presented here in catfabretical order.¤
The hexadecimal Unicode values are at the end of each paragraph.

Ȝȝ°, "yogh" ("yoke", "yōkh", or "yōg"),
pronounced like "y" in "you" or "gh" in "though"
(when "gh" sounded like the "ch" in "Bach").
U+021c, U+021d **

Ææ*†ǂ, named "ash" and pronounced like
the vowel in "ash" or "Cat". Named for the
corresponding rune, for the ash tree.
U+c6, U+e6

Þþ*, "thorn", like "th" in "think" . Named for
the rune, from the thorn tree.
U+de, U+fe

Ðð*ǂ, "eth" or "edh", like "th" in "this",
"that", "there", "mother".
U+d0, U+f0

Ƿƿ°, "wynn", pronounced like "w".
U+01f7, U+01bf **

* used in Icelandic and Faroese
† used in Danish and Norwegian
ǂ lowercase used in International Phonetic Alphabet
° not used in any modern orthography AFAIK
¤ see http://www.echoschildren.org/NonCDlyrics/Yogh.html
** see http://www.fileformat.info/info/unicode/font/index.htm for font support

Ȝ: Never set the yolk on fire
While frying or sautéing.
Keep that for dishes that require
The drama of flambéing.
And fat that's in the fire is worse...
Oops! Sorry, that's a different verse.
Just never set the ȝolke on fire.

Æ: Never set the ash on fire:
It's been there, done that, finished.
The stuff combustion would require
Is utterly diminished.
And if about the tree we're speakin',
Don't ask me, I'm not a Wiccan.
Still, never set the æsh on fire.

Þ: Never set the thorn on fire
Adjoining your foundation.
Your county, village, town, or shire
May call a violation.
And even if they don't, that bush
Will go up with a mighty whoosh!:
The þorn may set your house on fire.
And mind your manor
As circumstances may require
And never set the mat on fire.

Ð: Never set the [ðæt] on fire: [that's "that", written phonetically]
I'm certain that you'll need it.
For function words are much required
Although they're seldom heeded.
I'll add as proof of that advice
That in this verse I've used it thrice...
So never set the "ðæt" on fire.

NOTES

A,B,T,Z: verses sent to Xenofilkia 110709 as "Never set... A,B,T,Z"; others sent as noted below

E: Thanks to Gary McGath for suggestions.
H: (07.8.17, Xenofilkia? as The Incendiary Hat Plot)
I: The International Air Transport Association
M: (The Incendiary Mat Plot [ver.A], (or, Never Set The Mat On Fire). Mark A. Mandel & Bill Laubenheimer, © 2004. Inspired by a footnote in the L.L.Bean Fall 2004 Catalog, p.123. "Version B" appears in Xenofilkia, with this verse + more by Lee Gold &
Duane Elms, all relating to your house and using the same chorus.)
O: Yeah, it doesn't rhyme. "If thou burn" is subjunctive, which is why it's not "if thou burnest".
P: The Stars My Destination, by Alfred Bester, was published in the UK as Tiger! Tiger!
S: This was the original name of the first SWAT team (L.A., 1968). It was changed to "special weapons and tactics" to sound less military. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SWAT . Accessed 2011-08-03.1300 UTC)
Ȝ: Not in Lucida Sans Unicode. OpenSymbol has it. [But LuSansUni on my iMac does!: Ȝ]
Þ: See M. This verse wasn't in version B, but it fits right into the theme.
Ð: In the first line I don't use it, I mention it. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Use-mention_distinction
ƿ: In Alphabetum. The demo version, at least, has only uppercase. I haven't found a font with lowercase wynne

Relative alphabetical order
Each of the archaic letters is shown after the letter that precedes it in order in each language.

O/ME: A Æ D Ð F Ȝ U ƿ Y Þ
D: Z Æ
N: Z Æ
I: D Ð Y Þ Æ
F: D Ð Y Æ

lang.abbrs.: Old/Middle English, Danish, Norwegian, Icelandic, Finnish

--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)