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Date: Sat, 14 Nov 15 13:47:00 -0500
From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1558

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1558
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1553 18 votes 2a411 35334 13743 02592 15831 34623 55350 15831 02673 11682
1553 3.0 mean 2.4 3.0 3.3 3.6 2.9 2.9 2.4 2.9 3.6 3.5

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 14 Nov 15 13:47:01 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1558-01

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

So after all the preaching one way and the other I finally decided to go against my father's instructions and to follow his example instead.
Yesterday I smoked a cigarette! First one ever. I was so nervous just lighting it.

It was AWWWWWFUL!

Cigarettes are supposed to steady the nerves. Do you know how they're supposed to do that when you've lit the filter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think your nerves will be pretty steady after you pass out from the
} fumes.
} That's not a cigarette, that's a Sharpie.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 14 Nov 15 13:47:02 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1558-02

Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What's the universal equivalent of "God bless"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} May you be touched by His Noodly Appendage.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 14 Nov 15 13:47:03 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1558-03

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

It's raining.
I want to go outside to my car, but I don't want to go out into the
rain. On the other hand, once I get to my car I'll be out of the rain. However, that would require going out into the rain from a place where
I'm not in the rain, to get to another place where I'm not in the rain
by going outside into the rain without something to keep me away from
the rain. Do you have any advice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Maybe if someone would invent a ... device... where you kind of hold a
} cane-like thing, press a magic button, and it puts an expandable canopy
} over your head to
} protect you from rain... Oh.. that would be glorious.
} But it would never happen.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 14 Nov 15 13:47:04 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1558-04

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

As per your request, I have changed. I am now a stick-in-the-mud.
That is what you wanted, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're the guy with the toads, right? Not the owl salesman, or the king
} ("kngk") from the country with no vowels ("wvvls") in the alphabet?
}
} (Just want to make sure I'm not going to ZOT the wrong supplicant in
} error. No, no, I always try to ZOT the wrong supplicant on purpose.
} Helps clean leftover ZOT SNOT out of the Staff of ZOT. Frequent use
} keeps its abilities honed to a keen whatever, and can even change it
} from a -2 Staff of ZOT to a +5 Staff of ZOT.)
}
} Brace yourself. Here it comes.
}
} zit
}
} Oops, I think my Staff of ZOT (now obviously a -13) needs to go in for
} some repairs. Thank you for being a target.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 14 Nov 15 13:47:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1558-05

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Join us in the SPECTACULAR next episode of the Internet Oracularities
when we hear the Oracle say:

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} should shut them up.
}
} Oh hell. Is this thing on?

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 14 Nov 15 13:47:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1558-06

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

We really should all get behind ourselves and push! That's the way
to advance forwards into the future where we belong.

Why can't I have the future now? I want my personal helicopter, my
jet back-pack, my McFly skateboard, and my bottomless beer bottle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The way to advance forward is by pulling at your shoestrings,
} not by pushing at your back.
}
} Most of the hardware you mention will take awhile to get
} to the market, but bottomless beer bottles are quie popular
} in certain areas, as using them constitutes a misdemeanor
} whereas using a knife is a criminal offence.
}
} You owe the Oracle a balisong letter opener.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 14 Nov 15 13:47:07 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1558-07

Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

"News from behind the fridge" department.

How did Chewbacca get arrested in Ukraine? Yes, really!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In a shocking turn of events, a sentient bear-like creature called
} "Chewbacca" was found to be campaigning in Ukraine on behalf of Lord
} Vader Putin, the leader of neighbouring empire Death-Tsar. Further
} investigation showed that Chewbacca was allegedly owned by a Mr Han
} Solo, a euphemism known for holding political mass-debates. Mr Solo
} claimed not to need a permit for Chewbacca as he was "a member of the
} Wookiee people from Kashyyykstan". Kashyyykstan was previously part of
} the Death-Tsar empire and many of its inhabitants are known to favour
} stronger ties with Death-Tsar.
}
} Tensions in Ukraine have been high recently due to the attempted
} incursions of Lord Vader Putin of Death-Tsar into Ukrainian territory.
} A recent peace envoy mission was shot down over Ukrainian air-space,
} although no-one has claimed responsibility for it.
}
} Lord Vader has always denied trying to influence Ukrainian politics,
} although it has been alleged that former leading Ukrainian political
} activists Luke and Leia who turned out to be brother and sister, and
} were recently prosecuted under Ukraine's anti-incest laws, were in fact
} Lord Vader's children. Lord Vader claims not to have had any contact
} with his children since their mother took them to live in nearby
} Estooinia, and has no idea of their current whereabouts.
}
} You owe the Oracle an investigation for crimes against humanity against
} George Lucas regarding the creation of one Jar-Jar Binks.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 14 Nov 15 13:47:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1558-08

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please help me write my grant proposal.

I'm researching dinosaurs (not "dinosours" like my semi-precocious
nephew Balph spells them) and need to get money from the Federal
Government because nobody else would ever be willing to pay for someone
to write about the gaseous aspects of the digestive processes of big,
dead, extinct lizards. Yes, dinosaur farts.

To get the money, my grant proposal will have to mention Climate Change (formerly known as Anthropogenic Global Warming). That's an unspoken
but absolute requirement that all of us scientists know about. Silly,
but true.

Now I can't just go and claim that dinosaurs ran on internal combustion engines, and that their resulting smelly, diesel exhausts caused
the climate to change in various ways over the past 800 umptillion
years. Or anything else so transparently ridiculous.

Or can I?

What wording will best get me my money but not make me look like a
total idiot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grant Proposal to the Federal Government
}
} Outline of proposed research
} ----------------------------
}
} We intend to investigate the potential for replacement of our
} current primary meat-product, beef, by bio-engineered reptiles. It
} is well known that cattle, via methane production from their
} digestive processes, are responsible for 18% more greenhouse-gas
} production than our transport network. We propose that reptiles,
} specifically dinosaurs, will contribute less than cattle due to
} their different digestion systems and reduced metabolism.
}
} In order to determine the potential for this, we shall need to
} consider three main factors:
}
} 1. The typical diet of a dinosaur. For example, if it turns out that
} the food eaten by the dinosaur itself produces more methane than
} the dinosaur, this will increase the overall carbon footprint of the
} scheme. We note, for instance, that the class of dinosaurs known
} as raptors typically eat cattle (in under 30 seconds in one
} well-documented example), and so would not be suitable. The chosen
} diet may also affect methane production.
}
} 2. The infrastructure required to house dinosaurs. The facilities
} will of necessity be complex and require significant technological
} and human resources to ensure the safe containment of these
} dinosaurs. We propose that a small Pacific island can be used for
} this. If larger-scale production is found viable, we propose using
} Australia. They're used to dangerous animals there.
}
} 3. Of some concern, and possibly subsidiary to (2), is the
} greenhouse emissions of any vehicles which end up being chased by
} dinosaurs. We hope that this will be found to be a minor
} contributing factor, as will methane production by any humans in the
} vehicle.
}
} Researchers
} -----------
}
} Dr Alan Grant, well-known for his research into fossilized dinosaurs.
} Dr Ellie Sattler, well-known for her work on Jurassic grasses.
}
} Technical support will be provided by Mr Dennis Nedry, who is
} already employed as our computer system-administrator.
}
} Resources
} ---------
}
} In the preliminary investigation we shall not need to actually clone
} dinosaurs, but we envisage that this may become necessary at a later
} stage for experimental verification.
}
} In the early stages, we shall only need salaries for academics and
} support staff, at around $200,000 per annum, including overheads. In
} the case of actual cloning being necessary, we shall need around
} $450m per annum for laboratories, security and technical staff, and
} facilities to house the dinosaurs.
}
} Deliverables
} ------------
}
} At the end of the first year we shall produce a report regarding the
} viability of dinosaurs as a replacement meat-source for the whole of
} the USA. Depending on the outcome of this report, we shall then
} proceed to the second stage, cloning around 250 dinosaurs on a small
} island. We envisage this will be completed in around 18 months.
} The second deliverable will be samples of dinosaur meat to be tested
} for suitability for human consumption by the FDA.
}
} ------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to access grant committees' money just by
} saying the magic word.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 14 Nov 15 13:47:09 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1558-09

Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I've decided I want some adult toys. You know, like a Donald Trump
action figure to reenact the debates with. Where can I find one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can assure you that you do not want a full-sized one. What you should
} be requesting is the smaller one, the Trumpet. You may be surprised,
} though, to find that it is band in many countries.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bridge with a partner's ace.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 14 Nov 15 13:47:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1558-10

Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

A $100,000 for your thoughts.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 101 thoughts the Oracle has during the day.
}
} 1 Wow, how much did I drink last night?
} 2 A lot, that's for sure.
} 3 Not enough to forget though.
} 4 I'm an omniscient being; how can I ever forget?
} 5 DEAR GOD WHY WON'T YOU LET ME FORGET?
} 6 Ahem. Better get out of bed I suppose.
} 7 Not just yet, though.
} 8 Perhaps if I wait long enough the questions will answer themselves.
} 9 They won't will they?
} 10 Damn.
} 11 Left leg out of bed.
} 12 Right leg out of bed.
} 13 Stand up.
} 14 What was that noise?
} 15 Oh, just my knees, never mind.
} 16 Walk to bathroom.
} 17 Shower.
} 18 Where's Zadoc with my breakfast?
} 19 Oh, he's still asleep.
} 20 Doesn't he look so peaceful lying there?
} 21 Yes.
} 22 OY ZADOC! WAKE UP YOU LAZY BUM!
} 23 Why does Zadoc put up with this?
} 24 Because he worships me.
} 25 Hmm, breakfast not bad. Must remember to thank Zadoc.
} 26 Not just now, though, it'd only make him happy.
} 27 A happy Zadoc is a distracted Zadoc.
} 28 Right, down to business.
} 29 Check e-mails.
} 30 Wow, 1,251,487 questions. Is that a record?
} 31 No.
} 32 Filter for woodchuck questions and apply auto-ZOT.
} 33 Filter for questions about Lisa and send random Playboy article.
} 34 Still 34,910 questions left.
} 35 Filter for lack of grovel and send humourous put-down.
} 36 Filter for people who need Oracle system support and advise them to
} post their database password on StackOverflow.
} 37 Only 17 questions left.
} 38 Look up Star-Wars references.
} 39 Look up British cricket references.
} 40 Write script for "The Umpire Strikes Back" set in Lords Vaders'
} Cricket Ground, by A.P. Lucas.
} 41 Look up list of types of vegetable.
} 42 Hope that the supplicant isn't Donald Trump.
} 43 Realise he wouldn't understand the joke anyway.
} 44 Look up entire works of Flanders and Swann.
} 45 Listen to entire back-catalogue of Flanders and Swann.
} 46 Look up names of Viennese orchestral players from the 18th century.
} 47 Is this answer is going to be too esoteric?
} 48 Yes.
} 49 Do I care about that?
} 50 No.
} 51 Why are the remaining questions all about Liza?
} 52 Probably a spelling error.
} 53 Caused by one-handed typing.
} 54 Send remaining supplicants Playboy article. By Isaac Asimov.
} 55 Wait a minute, one last question to deal with.
} 56 I'm being offered how much?
} 57 In actual money?
} 58 For just typing out my thoughts?
} 59 Might as well, what have I got to lose?
} 60 Here goes, then.
} 61 Write all the numbers from 1 to 101.
} 62 Let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start).
} 63 Doe, a deer, a female deer. Ray, a drop of golden sun.
} 64 Oh no, not an ear-worm again.
} 65 Listen to Bohemian Rhapsody to block it out.
} 66 Done.
} 67 Right, down to business.
} 68 What did I do this morning?
} 69 Oh, yes.
} 70 Describe getting up.
} 71 Skip description of me in shower with Lisa.
} 72 Make up some numbers about how many questions I have to answer.
} 73 Inflate them a lot; supplicants mustn't assume I'm lazy.
} 74 Put in a few details about typical questions.
} 75 Make up some bizarre answers without specifying questions.
} 76 How many more thoughts do I have to write?
} 77 Forty-five.
} 78 Damn.
} 79 Double-damn.
} 80 Hang on, I need to describe answering this question, don't I?
} 81 Won't that end up in a weird loop?
} 82 Nah, probably not.
} 83 Let's start and see what happens.
} 84 OK, seems to be all right so far.
} 85 Not many thoughts to go now.
} 86 Oh. I seem to have caught up with myself.
} 87 Help.
} 88 What comes next?
} 89 Can't I just skip the details?
} 90 Not without actually answering the question first, no.
} 91 Which requires writing down everything I think.
} 92 Hang on, that just describes answering this question.
} 93 Good, I'm out of the loop.
} 94 Wait a minute, the supplicant didn't grovel, did they?
} 95 I should have just ZOT-ted it straight away, then.
} 96 But they did offer money.
} 97 Which they are going to send me, how?
} 98 Oh, I'm sure they'll manage somehow.
} 99 If not, I know where they live.
} 100 Oh, look, number 100. Nearly there.
} 101 Press Send.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1558 ******************************************

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