----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Fri, 12 Jul 24 19:56:30 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1608

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1608
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1603 12 votes 13323 12540 01362 14412 02433 13152 01722 11271 12432 10434
1603 3.4 mean 3.2 3.0 3.8 2.9 3.6 3.3 3.4 3.5 3.2 3.8

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 12 Jul 24 19:56:31 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1608-01

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Wise one, the minstrels in my mind are most repetetive. They recite the
same ballads and epics, night and day.

I fear I might be driven mad by the unchanging verses; how might I
instruct these weary bards of new songs with which to serenade my daily
toil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, find and read Mark Twain's railway story, "Punch, Brothers,
} Punch." Through it you will understand your own problem and mine also.
}
} Next, work your best at becoming an expert in Parliamentary Procedure
} as put forth in Robert's Rules of Order, Newly Revised. That book will
} reveal your calling, previously undiscovered, as the savior or the
} blight of meetings at your church, your hobby club, or your local
} government entity. They all rely on Robert's Rules, 12th edition. Some
} groups use it more effectively than others.
}
} Then go find the old tune, "When Johnny Comes Marching Home." It's from
} the time of the American Civil War.
}
} A bit of scouring the Flabulous Internet will ultimately reveal to you
} the "Ballad of Robert's Rules," written perhaps 40 years ago by Dr.
} George P. Flynn of the New England Science Fiction Association and set
} to the Johnny tune. Like any good club, NESFA also use Robert's Rules.
}
} There's some almost-real history in that song. Sing it; you'll learn
} about General Henry M. Robert. Eventually you may manage to remove it
} from my overburdened mind.
}
} Punch, Brothers, Punch With Care.
} Punch in the presence of the passenjare.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 12 Jul 24 19:56:32 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1608-02

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I didn't mean to do that! What's wrong with me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's a short list.
}
} 1. Failure to grovel.
} 2. Failure to recruit other supplicants.
} 3. Failure to write supplications that are good enough to appear in the
} digests.
} 4. Failure to make a longer list that further enumerates your failures.
}
} You do not owe the Oracle the longer list. Instead use it to improve
} yourself by teaching others to be prize-winning supplicants.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 12 Jul 24 19:56:33 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1608-03

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I can't decide between "classic" or "modern"; what's the difference?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A classicist can make a decision; a modernist cannot.
}
} You owe the Oracle a headline in Stymie Bold.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 12 Jul 24 19:56:34 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1608-04

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

The Dennis wants to remove my widsom teeth. Won't that keep me from
being smart like you? Do oracles (including you, the ever-hopeful and boistrous Internet Oracle) have wisdom teeth? Why would you get them
removed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wisdom teeth are a myth, invented by the Tooth Fairy (trading name of
} Mouth Gougers Inc.).
}
} Most parents don't believe in the Tooth Fairy, and therefore feel the
} need to pay up when their children lose their baby-teeth. There is
} much discussion on parent forums about the current going-rate for
} teeth, from 50p up to =3DC2=3DA35 (or their local equivalent).
} However, what the parents don't realise is that MG Inc. takes both
} the tooth and a tax of 50% on the parental contribution.
}
} MG Inc. is an evil corporation, with no reason to exist other than a
} desire for profit and tooth-enamel, which they sell as an
} ivory-substitute. Its employees are poorly paid (they're always
} looking down in the mouth), and more overworked than Santa's elves.
}
} Anyway, back to your wisdom teeth. MG Inc. is invested in parents of
} young children (coincidentally around the age when "wisdom teeth"
} become a "problem") remembering the relief of having teeth removed,
} and then wanting to mirror that relief in the child by giving them as
} much money as possible when they lose their teeth.
}
} So, if you're sick to the back teeth of your dentist wanting to remove
} your "wisdom teeth", just let them know that you're not in thrall to
} MG Inc. and that you'll take care of the pain yourself by drinking
} lots and lots of sugary drinks, until all your teeth dissolve so that
} they're no longer of any use to MG Inc.
}
} You owe the Oracle some more pearly-whites of wisdom.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 12 Jul 24 19:56:35 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1608-05

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why are there Clark bars but no Bruce bars? Or Lewis bars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The estate of Arthur C. Clarke bars such questions.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 12 Jul 24 19:56:36 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1608-06

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

You know the arfonizzm about "the genie is out of the bottle." Well,
that's my problem. My friend Jeanie is an alcoholic. A lush. A wino
without portfolio. And right now she's a Jeanie without a bottle.

Please tell me how to stop enabling her nasty habit of drinking, but
without having her complain to me about why haven't I gone and bought
her more.

Perhaps you need another friend. She could be YOUR friend instead of
mine, and I wouldn't have to out up with her begging and whining.

Where should I send her, now that you've finished moving out of
Bloomington, Indiana?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't send her to:
} The Bottle, Alabama.
} Leathern Bottle, Gloucestershire, UK.
} Tittybottle, Bishop Auckland, UK.
} Brandy Bottle Spring, Ousby, UK.
}
} You owe the Oracle some vodka flavoured water.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 12 Jul 24 19:56:37 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1608-07

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

You have gotten me into so much damn trouble! You are an Oracle Beyond Belief!!! All I did was to follow your advice.

Here's what happened. We were to produce an opera, Carmen, by Bizet.
Sounds harmless enough, and we were bankrolled by someone whose name
you would recognize instantly if I remembered it. We had secured a
tenor, specifically a Hold-Em Tenor, from Dallas or maybe Dulles.
(Never sure about these crazy singers and where they sprang up from.)
He had good credentials and promised never to think about trying to
sing Der Hoelle Rache, not even the famous version by Florence Foster Jenkins.

Turns out we had not reckoned with the Carmen's Union. Yes, there is
one. It's Local 589 and is right here in Massachusetts, a place you'll occasionally wish you weren't. They got wind of our plans, probably by
having once had spies in the Weather Underground Subway, back before
the Red Line went all the way to the South Shore.

Anyway, they got in touch with the Plumbers' Union, Plumbers &
Gasfitters UA Local 12. Those people, confused by the similar words
Bizet and Bidet, assumed full control over our production. The
gasfitters are now practising for all the singing parts. Mostly they're watching and rewatching the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles. That's
all of them except for Mumbles McMoon, who thinks he is an enforcer.

McMoon (no relation to Florence Foster Jenkins's long-suffering pianist
of the same name) is the only one who really understands our inept difficulties.

How can I get McMoon put in charge of everything, so we don't lose the contract for nonperformance? Our show is supposed to open at the
Shubert Theatre at 265 Tremont Street tomorrow evening.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get another union in; they'll soon show the gas-fitters their place.
} The campfire scene shows their appreciation of the wind-section, but
} the opera itself is for the motor-mechanics.
}
} You owe the Oracle a performance of Two-rear-door chorus from Bizet's
} Car-men, sung by the late Luciano Carburotti.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 12 Jul 24 19:56:38 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1608-08

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I thought evil people were in my back yard, peeking through the window.
I talked to my doctor about it, and he explained paranoia.

So now I know they are paranoids.

What's the best way to keep paranoids away? I can't simply stay drunk.
That seems to invite more of them. They probably want to drink my
schnapps.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} W-Who wants to know?

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 12 Jul 24 19:56:39 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1608-09

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Ich heisse hier Hasenpfeffer. Harald Hasenpfeffer. Harald Heissmann Hasenpfeffer. Bin Hase. Ich moechte Hasenpfeffer nicht fressen. Was
soll ich tun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I prefer Japanese. I can't understand that either, but it looks
} cooler.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 12 Jul 24 19:56:40 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1608-10

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

When I asked you before about Pungent Sound I didn't know what I was
doing. You told me that I was myself the Pun Gent Sound and I thought
you were full of it. Now I think I understand, so please repeat your insulting explanation, but m-u-c-h s-l-o-w-e-r this time. And not
stupid. No fair telling me what you think is hte truth. Yeah!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You were in the pun contest, weren't you. Unfortunately, fewer than
} 10% of your puns made the cut.
}
} No pun in ten did.

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1608 ******************************************

--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)