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Date: Wed, 03 Apr 24 18:34:49 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1607

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1607
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1602 11 votes 04313 14213 03611 00443 00353 21431 10451 14321 22232 15320
1602 3.2 mean 3.3 3.1 3.0 3.9 4.0 3.0 3.5 2.8 3.1 2.5

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Apr 24 18:34:50 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1607-01

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I need your forlorn help instantly! I kept a tub of marbles sitting
here on my computer desk so that I could get around having to solve
difficult problems in programming. The feel of the marbles between my
fingers gave me hope.

Suddenly the marble tub sprang a leek and they all went down the
Automatic Rubbish Tube. From tub to tube! So I have lost my marbles.

Do your damndest for me, please.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Blast! Doing things damnedest always leaves me in a double mind, as the
} Evil Oracle tends to show up and shout in!
}
} It is indeed a sad thing Ha! Foolish inncarnation!
} to lose your marbles Mortals always lose! It is ordained!
} and the feel of your lost marbles. Feely marbles, bah!
} But fear not! Or fear, if you choose.
} There is a wondrous method Yes, it DOES involve bribery
} for replacing such lost items. Although marbles are available quite
} cheaply on Amazon!
} Find a near-by toy store. Or just check the building's waste
} bin.
}
} You owe the Oracle a blessing You owe the evil Oracle the soul of
} an innocent

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Date: Wed, 03 Apr 24 18:34:51 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1607-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please explain (or unexplain) why I tend to write parenthetical remarks
(like I just did (and am doing now)) in all the supplicatitive
questions that I send to your Vast (And Overflowing) Oracular
In-Basket. It's almost as if I have the opposite of a one-track mind,
where I am unable to keep onto (Look! A Squirrel!!!) one idea, but must divert (or divide) my own attention (or lack of attention) (or
whatever) elsewhere.

Your (not you're) thoughts, please.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm tempted to say you have a Lisp.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Apr 24 18:34:52 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1607-03

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why do people say "simp" instead of the correct term "sycophant"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a recent term.
}
} Atomic power plants got a name change to "nuclear" distinguish them
} from atomic bombs, which are now called nukes. Nuclear magnetic
} resonance in medicine is called MRI, to avoid the dreaded "nuke"
} problem. So names change frequently. VERY frequently, from my eternal
} perspective.
}
} You owe the Oracle a performance of "Istanbul not Constantinople."
} (Three syllables instead of five.)

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Apr 24 18:34:53 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1607-04

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Time for History Class again. Please send me an authoritative
dissertation about Dagobert II, who was King of the Mesorotarians or something back before people knew how to count in real numbers.

I am not gong to insult you by calling him Dagobert the IIth, not this
time. You know better than I possibly could how he might have named
himself Dagobert the Truth of Mesorotaria but he didn't, probably. He
put Mesorotaria back on the Gold Standard, making the coin of the realm
less inflatable.

Also I get extra points if I can connect his policies with Modern Times
or at least New Times Roman, seeing how he was way back then when
everyone was old.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dagobert was reasonably honest as a king (or at least frank-ish), and
} lived in the 7th century. He succeeded the throne in 656, but only
} ascended to it nearly 20 years later, as the steps were quite steep.
} According to Wilfrid, Dagobert was a tyrant (it's not a tie, it's a
} sodding cravat!) who attacked bishops by stabbing them straight on
} (bishops can only attack diagonally), and imposed new and inventive
} taxes (like charging bishops who wouldn't wear ties).
}
} He engaged in a war that cost a vast amount of money, putting him deep
} into the red (or at least Burgundy), and caused Sadalbergato to move
} her convent (or fake air outlet) due to four bodings (who form
} tight-knit family hunting groups; you never hear about people being
} scared off by three-bodings).
}
} In 676 Dagobert signed a "firm pact of peace" (or possibly a piece of
} a permed fact) due to the appearance of a Comet who had lost his way
} and become separated from Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. Shortly
} afterwards, Dagobert restarted minting gold, which made After Eights
} more expensive and more likely to damage your teeth.
}
} Unfortunately, Dagobert was assassinated by his godson with the
} consent (fake perfume - very overpowering) of the bishops (who were
} tired of spending hours every morning tying their cravats).
} Later, he was considered a martyr by the 'Ard Dennis tribe (a group of
} very aggressive men called Dennis).
}
} Dagobert's policies have parallels in the modern day, where rulers
} often put up taxes, or at least taxis exercise their right to rule.
}
} You owe the Oracle a petition against fonts that discriminate against
} fish, like Sans Gills.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Apr 24 18:34:54 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1607-05

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I was about to send you five questions in a Burma-Shave jingle format,
but I decided against it. I hope this pleases you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If an answer
} Good you seek
} Don't write anything
} In Greek
}
} Xyrisma tis Birmanias

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Apr 24 18:34:55 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1607-06

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I want to point out to you a bug in the Oracle system. Larry Ellison's Oracle, not yours. My boss uses Oracle to handle payroll and other HR functions, and I know there's got to be some way for me to hack into it
so I can double my pay. All my efforts to date have failed. I think
there's a secret password, and it's probably known only to my boss, to
Larry Ellison, and to YOU. Likewise you will probably know the
weaknesses or trap doors that are built in for the benefit of Oracle
staff or for the CIA or NSA or NSS or FDR or something.

Please help me immediately. My bank account is about to be overdrawn if
I don't get a lot more money very soon. I know I can count on you
because you know a whole lot about computers, and because you have the
same name as Larry Ellison, or at least can fake it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This British incarnation is suspicious of anyone trying to hide bugs
} in database systems ever since Mr Bates had a little disagreement with
} the Post Office.
}
} So, in the interests of transparency, here is the password:
}
} Just in case that doesn't display on your screen, that's the emojis
} for: Polar bear hiding in a snow blizzard.
} Pope Francis in a puffer jacket hiding in the Antarctic.
} Ghost in a white sheet factory.
} Albino rabbit hiding on Hyams Beach.
}
} You owe the Oracle the phone number of Larry The Cat.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Apr 24 18:34:56 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1607-07

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Let us know what you like!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 3.1415926535 and lots of it.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Apr 24 18:34:57 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1607-08

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My grandmother, who was born in Soviet Russia, says "Devil wears
Pravda." She insists she does not mean Prada.

So I told her, "In Soviet Russia newspaper read YOU." She said, "That
not funny. True maybe but not funny."

Tell me something about Soviet Russia that's actually funny.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Dark humor is like food; not everyone gets it."
}
} You owe the Oracle a PB&J.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Apr 24 18:34:58 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1607-09

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Double double words words?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gorilla Gorilla: Correct scientific name for the western gorilla
} Gorilla guerilla: A lean, mean, fighting group made up of great apes.
} Can-can: Dance performed while standing on food-tins.
} Boa boa: Feathered scarf that turns out to be a snake.
} Haha: The sound of someone falling into a deep ornamental ditch.
} Double-bass: Overweight tenor.
} Pawpaw: Type of tree
} Poor-paw: Refugee bear called Paddington
} Aye-aye: Long-fingered lemur
} i-Aye: Always saying yes to Apple products.
} i-Eye: Apple ocular implant
} Pan pan: To criticize J M Barrie's most famous play.
} Go go: Where Johnny B Goode went.
} Lulu: Singer-actress
} Loo-loo: Effect of food-poisoning (and a day off in lieu).
}
} You owe the Oracle a triple Scotch.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Apr 24 18:34:59 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1607-10

Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

If "Peppermint" Patty asked "Chuck" to marry her...

Would Chuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wood ZOT.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1607 ******************************************

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