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Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:40:55 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1602

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1602
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1597 12 votes 42231 14421 31620 01281 24141 35211 03441 01542 02334 02343
1597 3.1 mean 2.6 2.8 2.6 3.8 2.8 2.3 3.2 3.6 3.8 3.7

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:40:56 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1602-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Hey Orrie! You remember Suzie Slender from my high school class? The
one all the guys including me were drooling over about? And how I
thought that she should marry me but instead married Briff the fortball player? You know all thatt because you rember everythinng.

So I need a Time Machine or maybe a Secret Chicken Recipe that'll let
me time travel back so I can get her to marry me instead of Briff.

You'll do this for me because you are nifty, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, the Oracle is bound by the Laws of the High-and-Mighty
} Elders of Time:
}
} 1) No running or shouting.
} 2) No pushing or ducking.
} 3) No acrobatics or gymnastics.
} 4) No peeing in the pool.
}
} To explain:
} 1) Shouting, "She's gonna blow!" and running away in Pompeii 79CE may
} lead to too many Romans surviving.
} 2) Ducking, and pushing Archduke Franz Ferdinand into the path of a
} bullet might have started a bit of an argument.
} 3) A certain gymnast, who will remain nameless, went back in time to
} the 19XX Olympic Games, and won Gold for YYYYY. Their name was longer
} than average, which meant that copies of Encyclopedia Britannica had
} to be completely re-typeset, resulting in the Great Paper Shortage of
} 1957.
} 4) Distrust anything that makes you feel warm and fuzzy for a little
} while. It's not a good sign in a swimming pool, and it's not a good
} sign in time-travel, even if done for the right motives.
}
} So, much as I'd like to help you achieve your dream of marrying Suzie,
} it's not going to happen, I'm afraid. Also, as Briff currently earns
} $2.5m a year, and you are heavily in debt due to frequently sending
} Suzie a carpet of roses (not sure why; they're a bit prickly) to
} demonstrate your undying love for her, I'm not convinced that she
} feels the same way.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the rules of fortball; it sounds
} suspiciously like the new "football" that High-Lord Symmons (Elder of
} Time) invented recently and was betting on being "the next big thing".

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:40:57 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1602-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

You recommended Schnebly Hill Road near Sedona, AZ
for Spring Break. I shot right by the warning sign "Not suitable for passenger vehicles" and broke my springs, my oil pan, my brake lines
and some other parts I never imagined my car had. That guy in Sedona at Honest Charlie's Ripped Repair replaced nearly everything.

I later got a second opinion, which was that my car didn't really need
a cylinder decontamination barrister, a grid-leak resistor, or a
left-turn oil spray corrector. So I went back to Sedona to see Honest
Charlie but he wasn't there. No building, no nothing.

Where is he, and how can I get my money back? I'm broke.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Honest Charlie is neither (you're the Charlie).
} The Democratic People's Republic of Korea isn't.
} A Reliant Robin wasn't.
} The Christian Right is neither.
}
} Anyway, "Charlie" is by now living in Arkansas with Gorgeous Gracie,
} winner of Miss Tennessee (excellent travel advice) in 2008. The
} building was packed into his suitcase by opening a valve and letting
} it down gently.
}
} You can get your money back by sending a blank cheque made payable to
} Clement Ash (C. Ash for short) and sending it to Pat The Butcher in an
} envelope marked "BBC Radio 4 Appeal" (not sure why R4 needs to appeal;
} it hasn't been convicted of anything).
}
} You owe the Oracle some sky hooks, tartan paint, and a long stand.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:40:58 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1602-03

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Is it true that there exists a mathematical way to encode a person's
face alphanumerically so that so that plain and beautiful people have
shorter coded descriptions than ugly people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course. Look at my code: 5
}
} Now look at Zadoc's:
} X5774DD9J983DEADBEEFDEADBEEFDEADBEEF00000000DEADBEEF
}
} What more proof could you want?

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:40:59 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1602-04

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I asked you for Alexander The Great's middle name and you said
Catherine. So I told you that was silly and you told me that Charles
T. Fat (what a horrid name) was also Charles T. Third and that he
(or they) shared (or chaired) the same name. There may or may not
have been a Charles T. Grate.

Please give me a total resolution of Royal Names. You may omit E.
T. IInd because she still seems to be alive, unlike Pope Pius the
3.14, who was not.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle would like to apologize for the late answering of this
} question. The Oracular mail service has been delayed recently due to
} a postal strike. Zadoc struck a match in the carrier pigeon loft and
} thirty-four birds sadly perished, although some were later found to
} be very tasty with a red wine jus.
}
} In any case, E.T.II (aka Nocturnal Fears) is no longer with us, and
} Charlie 3 (sequel to Charlie 2 - Full Throttle) is now on the throne,
} marking the start of the Carol-or-Ian era. Prior to his accession,
} there was speculation that Charles would be called King Arthur or
} King George, or even 'King idiot who talks to plants.
}
} But in all the talk of our rulers past and present, we should not
} forget the names of those whom they subjugated.
} Henry VIII had 6 wives, and their fates are recorded in rhyme:
} Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived, reducing them
} to little more than anonymous victims. However, from our more nuanced
} temporal distance, we can re-label them as dead, dead, dead, dead,
} dead, dead.
}
} In these enlightened times, there has been much debate on the future
} of the monarchy. Should we allow ourselves to be oppressed by a set
} of partially inbred, out of touch millionaires who went to Eton and
} have never done a day's real work in their lives, or should we let
} the Windsors have a go instead?
}
} You owe the Oracle a republic (failing that, a dictatorship with me
} in charge).

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:41:00 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1602-05

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My friend Bart is a sedevacantist. He is a Catholic who believes that
there is no Pope, and that the Throne of St. Peter has been vacant
since the Vatican II heresies, and that the current "pope" is a Jesuit
and a Communist.

I told him that Communists were atheists, so he couldn't possibly be
right.

He laughed with that stupid noise that only your worst supplicants can
make.

Is YOUR throne vacant? We all need a good flushing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My throne is most certainly NOT vacant. I only leave it to sleep, eat,
} and answer calls of nature (although as I age, the calls are so
} frequent I'm fairly sure they could be classed as harassment).
}
} Anyway, Bart is clearly wrong. The Vatican Aye-Aye is a lemur found
} only in the Protestant parts of Madagascar, and when the Pope arrived
} to try to convert it to Catholicism, it gave him the middle finger.
} Also, I'm not entirely sure what is wrong with being a Communist. It
} comes right after Communion in my dictionary, which makes them closer
} than godliness and cleanliness.
}
} The only way to persuade Bart of his wrongness is to put to him a
} position so extreme that he has to admit that there's very little
} difference between two slightly different versions of Catholicism.
} I suggest taking him to the next festival of Cthulhu, to be held in
} the first-floor community room in "The Eagle and Child" in Oxford.
} Tickets are available from HP Love-Craft (a shop dedicated to
} repairing HP printers and making them into, ahem, marital aids).
}
} You owe the Oracle a crate of fish. The Papal Seal is hungry again.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:41:01 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1602-06

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:



And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oook! Oooook! A null question. That means I get to say whatever I want.
} Like, Whose on first. Or Pray for guidance.
}
} Did you know that prayers for guidance are always answered? A null
} response to a Prayer for Guidance means YOYO. "You're on your own!"
} Even atheists can get that answer.
}
} So in response to your question, "You're on your own!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a special edition Duncan Yoyo. The kind that never
} gets tangled.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:41:02 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1602-07

Selected-By: Joe Banks <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Who framed Roger Rabbit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you'll find a clue in this story:
}
} So cousin Mort gets up in the middle of the night and goes into the
} kitchen. He opens the fridge and sees a large rabbit sitting on one of
} the shelves.
}
} "Who are you and what are you doing in there?" he asks.
}
} The rabbit replies, "I'm the Ether Bunny."
}
} "Yes, but what are you doing in my refrigerator?"
}
} "What kind of a wefwigewator is it?" asks the rabbit.
}
} "It's a Westinghouse."
}
} "Well," the rabbit says, "I'm westing."

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:41:03 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1602-08

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Tellme all about it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh yes, thank you for reminding me. I almost forgot. Forgetting's
} pretty hard for me, since I have such an omniscient brain, but I also
} have the ability to know how to forget. Such are the difficulties of
} being more perfect than you mortals.
}
} Now back to your supplication. Here we go!
}
} Long ago I told you to be careful of new information, and to avoid hot
} tips from people you meet at the racetrack. The races are fixed, you
} know, so betting is futile unless you are member of the Gambino family.
} Your paranoia results directly from your mistaken belief that they are
} not out to get you. You think that see spies hiding behind trees and
} under sewer grates, but you falsely attribute your fears to mere
} delusion. The Mafioso spies are laughing at you and at your naive
} self-diagnosis of mental illness.
}
} You aren't crazy! They ARE out to get you, and they've hired me to make
} sure you never catch on to their true motives.
}
} You owe the Oracle an excuse that he can give to the next supplicant in
} line for all the time wasted on this reply.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:41:04 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1602-09

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

All I said was, "She can use them if she wants." What's the problem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kimchi paprikash surstroemming ice cream, that's the problem.
} Nobody was ready for it. Nobody.
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of the result.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 16 Jan 23 07:41:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1602-10

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Admit it, you used a green screen to answer that last question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'll play White and I'll play Green. Hold on a moment while I
} check for miscoloured screens. Okay, go ahead.
}
} 1. f3 e6
} 2. g4 Qh4#
}
} Check and ZOT!
}
} Good job there, indicating your astonishing abilities in
} self-immolation.
}
} Let's play another game. I'll play White while you and an assistant
} of your choice play Green. During our game a performance of the
} opera, "The Barber of Norma" will be staged behind a green
} screen so you won't be distracted this time.
}
} 1 e4 e5
} 2 Nf3 d6
} 3 d4 Bg4
} 4 dxe5 Bxf3
} 5 Qxf3 dxe5
} 6 Bc4 Nf6
} 7 Qb3 Qe7
} 8 Nc3 c6
} 9 Bg5 b5
} 10 Nxb5 cxb5
} 11 Bxb5+ Nbd7
} 12 O-O-O Rd8
} 13 Rxd7 Rxd7
} 14 Rd1 Qe6
} 15 Bxd7+ Nxd7
} 16 Qb8+ Nxb8
} 17 Rd8 mate

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1602 ******************************************

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