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Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:05 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1599

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1599
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1594 12 votes 11352 30540 15123 12621 12342 22341 12621 32331 22440 31431
1594 3.0 mean 3.5 2.8 3.1 3.0 3.3 3.0 3.0 2.8 2.8 2.8

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-01

Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

The Dr says I am covidly obese. Will I die? And will you sing at the
funeral? What song? Or maybe a marching band with bagpipes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's alright. You're not going to die. A nice glad of warm milk with
} honey to soothe your throat and those irritated lungs.
}
} It'll make the coffin stop.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:07 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-02

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

"Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"

Can someone be born blind for sinning? Could he have sinned before he
was born?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In matters of religion it is paramount or perhaps paramour that we seek
} guidance from the Holy Bible, which contains advice that you are not
} expected to understand. See First Kings, chapter 7, verses 23 and 26,
} in which we learn that pi is equal to three.
}
} That valuation is a good example of obscure code. "You are not expected
} to understand this." See line 2238 of the source code in Lions'
} Commentary on Unix Version 6.
}
} Remember, the Bible can be understood only by God's Eyes, not yours.
} Similarly, any abstruse code from Brian or Dennis.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete explanation of
} if(rp->p_flag&SSWAP) {
} rp->p_flag =& ~SSWAP;
} aretu(u.u_ssav);
} }

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-03

Selected-By: <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please wave your wreath of laurel in a hearty welcome to Latrina
Commode of Flushing, New York and her horse Double You See as they
enter the wring for the final event in today's Grand Euphemism
Cup Races.

Is your television even turned on? Shame!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ticket prices have been slashed, so come on down to the paddock and
} don't frighten the horses.
}
} Here you can pick your own vegetables for charity, so take a leak and
} raise money for the Society of Humans Ignoring Toilet-Seats UP.
}
} Oh no, what's this; the horse-feed has been spilled and the almonds
} are all on the floor. The jockeys are gathering tightly around the
} nuts; that must be painful.
}
} I'm not privy to all the details, but a little bird told me the
} jockeys have been powdering their noses with "talcum powder" for
} several hours, so the results should be interesting.
}
} And after a long race, the winner is holding the Armitage Shanks bowl
} high in the air; flushed with success. Now if you'll excuse me I
} promised my husband I'd take our children swimming, so I need to drop
} the kids off at the pool.
}
} You owe the Oracle an arrest warrant for whoever stole Zadoc's
} collection of urine samples. That's just taking the piss.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:09 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-04

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I thought that using elemental fluorine as my oxidizer instead of good
ol' liquid oxygen would give my rocket the extra bit of kick it needed
to reach orbit, but it keeps oxidizing my nozzles and tubing in
addition to my fuel. I've tried every material I can think of, but
every time I test-fire the rocket engine it melts or flakes or
something and explodes and contaminates my wind tunnel with fluorine.

Have I overlooked an obvious solution here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use solid FOOF. It already has oxygen and fluorine, and plenty of it.
} Your chances of getting a bad reaction are, um, ah, oh well.
}
} Look, when something is about 483% explosive you had better have your
} very best running shoes on.
}
} Oh dear! Now we know that FOOF is capable of exploding if one merely
} thinks about it. Sorry about the loss of your thumbs. And toes. And
} nose. And more.
}
} Yes, I do feel rather silly, composing an answer to a cloud of former
} supplicant!

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-05

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Renfrew again, you remember me, the supplicant who never understands
his own parfluous questions or your uninestimable answers.

I have just discovered the secret of winning at the races. I'm going to
bet on Master Robert, owned by Lord Airlie, in the 1924 Grand National
at Aintree. This is a good way to make lots of money, if only I can
find the method for placing my bets. Your uninestimable help will be especially uninestimable.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting choice, since Master Robert was run with starting
} odds of 25/1, but you could bet on Tipperary Tim in 1928 at 100/1
} odds. Famously Tipperary Tim could only win if all the other horses
} fell, which just so happened to have occured. Forty-two horses raced
} and two finished, jockey William Dutton having the advantage between
} the two because he stayed on his horse for the whole race.
}
} So I'm sure you see my point. Merely betting on a known winner will
} get you some money, but finding and betting on the most improbable
} winner is how to really rake it in. Then to place the bets, I
} recommend the radio delay grift. Find _The Sting_ on Netf^H^H^H^H
} VHS or laserdisk and study that fine example of post-post betting
} being used to secure a gambling edge.
}
} Just be careful not accidentally watch Sting in _Dune_ or the
} stinging insect movie _Stung_ because then you'll shouting killing
} words at wasps instead.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:11 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-06

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Which are those words you were telling me about that are not spelled
the way they are written?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those are loanwords. Please give them back when you are done with them.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:12 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-07

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Holy Jumpin' Double Jeezus! Holy Double Jumpin' Double Jeezus! I just
found out that when I thought I was cussin', with all those religious
words, I was actually committing blasphemy. Please tell me how to
reverse blasphemy so that I don't go to GOTO HELL, which my cousin the computer porngamer says is Very Very Bad.

Also tell me how to make money like my cousin does. He won't talk about
it. He also says I should use the COMEFROM statement in
FIVEANDAHALFTRAN. He's lying, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What you need is pray to CHEESES
} Now St Paul said what is that roque fort? It is for CHEESUS who'll have
} it all.
}
} Now to caerphilly with Brest in blue
} What was the weapon to carry us through?
}
} Love of CHEESES there's your salvation. As CHEESES has it all.
}
} Now look to holland, the navigation,
} When th'e e dams bust the banks did not fall like. They had CHEESES in
} salvination, and gouder it makes us all.
}
} You owe the O about half a pound of Double Gloucester.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:13 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-08

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Dear O you know I've always been a fan of Stevenson and Watt
So wat I got
Was a ticket to the station in Budapest
Where they are depicted best

But I had to take electrik transit
Cos the poor steam was sic transit
Gloria mundi

Who's Gloria?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you may already have noticed, questions about Gloria Mundi generally
} devolve into answers about Tuesday Weld or Joe Friday, but as you saw
} as recently as six years ago, Billie Holiday, Billy Sunday, Ash
} Wednesday, Monday Thirsty, and Dieu Merci C'est Vendredi occasionally
} appear.
}
} What (or Watt) you need is a Copeland steam-powered bicycle. Its
} penny-farthing design lends an element of wild excitement or blind fear
} to its operation.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:14 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-09

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My name is Max and my sister's name is Min. Yes, our mother is a mathematician and father a sports-medicine physiologist, so I can see
how they came up with those name, but why, oh why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because why oh why oh spells yoyo.
}
} You owe the o a spinning and top

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Date: Wed, 03 Nov 21 21:06:15 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1599-10

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Last time you answered my question you were clearly drunk. The answer
was ridiculous and hopelessly useless. What should I drink in order to
better understand and appreciate your replies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absinthe makes the heart grow stronger.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1599 ******************************************

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