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Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:51:58 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1598

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1598
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1593 11 votes 03233 01460 00362 33230 11432 21233 02324 10433 11171 04232
1593 3.4 mean 3.5 3.5 3.9 2.5 3.4 3.4 3.7 3.6 3.5 3.3

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:51:59 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1598-01

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

(snort)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, a horse. I do not get very many questions from horses. Indeed,
} your "snort" might not be a question, but instead a profound statement.
} It's likely that you need advice on handling unskilled riders. Here's
} what to do.....
}
} If the rider is not so painful that you have already given him
} impromptu aviation, then simply take off at a trot or even a gallop, go
} all the way down to the far side of the ring, and perform your very
} best pivot. Owing to the laws of motion, your rider will be unlikely to
} accomplish your sudden change in direction, and will be dumped
} unceremoniously on the ground. Trot proudly back.
}
} To complete the dumped rider's misery you might then allow a
} three-year-old child to ride, demonstrating to your unskilled previous
} passenger that the problem lay not with the horse, but with the rider.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vector shaped like a carrot.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:52:00 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1598-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Wholly Oracle, who owns the Translation of the Saint James Bible (KJV)
into the original Greek that I cannot read, and whose nose is not
stained with the blood of turnips, please explain the letters Paul
wrote to the Corinthions from Emphasis. And why can't I ever
underrstand any of the religious stuff no matter who is preaching it?

Oh, and to Hell with spelling corrections it just makes things oven
worse.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Saul, better known as Paul, or possibly Pauline. Strange chap.
}
} I knew him when he was lying on the M5 out of Damascus, blinking after
} being run over by a horse-and-cart. He kept shouting about the light,
} but I'm fairly sure it was the after-effect of one of the horses
} shitting in his eye.
}
} It really affected his writing style, that did. Up until then he'd
} done some really funny columns for the Nazarene Herald. Gags like
} "this guy Jesus says he had to strain out a gnat instead of swallowing
} a camel? You should try drinking anything that's been through the
} Roman water-pipes. I've had three wasps, two snakes, and a bloke who
} claimed he'd slipped on the aqueduct in Jerusalem. And that was just
} last Sabbath. Am I right, guys? (Please don't murder me Mr Centurion;
} satire never really works anyway, does it?)"
}
} Anyway, his letters got really weird. He'd always been a bit of a
} misogynist and more-Pharaseical-than-thou but he went a bit far by
} most people's standards. Logically coherent, but given that his
} starting point was about as realistic as suggesting that Bill Gates
} planned a pandemic in 1995 just to get his own back at people who hid
} a flight simulator in Excel, that's not a good look.
}
} Anyway, no-one ever replied to his letters; they just pretended they
} must have been delivered to the neighbours, or the Pontifical Post
} dropped them in the Lake of Tiberias, or the jackals must have eaten
} it. Anything to avoid having to read the rabid writings of a man who
} believed he was caught up to the seventh heaven when everyone knew
} that what happened was he passed out drunk in Mrs Jebediah
} Swampgrove's Sickly Drinks Parlour and Molly took him upstairs to
} sleep it off.
}
} Shame really; if just one person had told him that the people of
} Corinth didn't want to be told about sexual purity, they were having
} enough trouble with Derek from Number 5 and his Turkish pine
} overshaddowing the tavern's beer garden, then perhaps Paul wouldn't
} have had to write them two more letters (we only have the third one,
} the second genuinely did get eaten by foxes), and we'd have been saved
} one of his more embarrassing rants.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Biblical concordance that includes Paul's
} correspondence with the insurers of the horse-driver that knocked him
} over. 50 denarii for washing horse hoof-prints out of his tunic? I
} mean, really!

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:52:01 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1598-03

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Grand and perfluffluous Oracle, I am still waiting for an answer to
that question about the geraniums that I sent last week.

Hold on a minute, I just thought of something.

Oh Jeeeezuz, I sent it to my late Aunt "Fluffy" Fischboner by mistake.
I am so terribly sorry. And I probably should have been asking about
the chemical element Germanium instead. Far more scientific than
flowers. Can you forgive me? And what answer would you have given if I actually asked you my question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clemens Winkler discovered geraniums in 1886 because he was looking
} for something to fill the gap in his periodic dining-table. His
} neighbour was somewhat anti-money, and felt that on the importance
} scale, geraniums fell somewhere between cheap-as-tin and a silly-con.
}
} Previously known as heck-a-silicon, germanium was quickly named after
} Germany because they were getting antsy about their empire starting to
} collapse and no-one wanted to have to count otters, van, bees' marks,
} bath towels, and dutch elms.
}
} You owe the Oracle your late Aunt's husband's phone number. I have a
} flower bed I'd like him to dig over, if you know what I mean.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:52:02 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1598-04

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

As I told you before on Reddit, I DON'T WORK HERE.

I don't work over there, either.

In fact, I don't work at all.

Please tell these bothersome people to go away and leave me a loan.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now that you're retired, you have a whole universe of things to
} consider. When is my social security check going to arrive?
} What held this hair that fell out in yesterday?
} Is it covered by Medicare?
} What does Joe Namath know about Medicare Coverage?
} Is fifty cats too many for a one-bedroom apartment?
} Where can I go to meet seniors online?
} Do I qualify for the senior discount at Taco Bell?
} Why are all the cars on the freeway passing me and honking their horns?
} Do these suspenders make me look sophisticated?
} What happened to all that money I made while I was working?
} How do I change the battery in my pacemaker?
} What shade of purple is best for this hat?
} Why did I come into this room?
} What's the best way to stay regular?
} Why do people say I have memory problems when I can remember things
} that happened before they were born?
} Why did I think that all that important stuff my whole life was
} important? Do I have to go to my grandchildren's school play after I
} went to their parents school play?
} What happens when I press this bu

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:52:03 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1598-05

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

So the Dr says I have seriovipolus or something that sounds like that.
So I ask him, "Doc, is it serious?"

He says, "No, it's seriovipolus."

Goddamm wise guy.

What's the cure? Best if it has like brandy or schnapps in it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interestingly, if you cure ham, the pig doesn't come back to life.
}
} Lesser incarnations might point out that The Cure is an English rock
} band. However, Robert Smith is in The Cure, and not The Smiths, so
} that renders them null and void.
}
} You are very optimistic if you think that any valid cure will contain
} brandy or schnapps; this is only the case for robust, red-faced men in
} Edwardian literature, who think that alcohol is the answer to
} everything except, "Why do I have cirrhosis of the liver and cannot
} function before 11am without three pints of whisky?".
}
} The correct cure is actually to be ducked (because you're suffering
} from a mallardy), then egged on (by a high-flying duck) and finally
} washed up (either in the kitchen sink or possibly in the Job Centre).
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for elephantiasis (fear of ivory).

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:52:04 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1598-06

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I need to learn about Fringe Science. I think it's like Political
Science, but more based on tattered clothing or maybe my grandmother's hand-knit antimacassars than on tattered nations. What are the greatest accomplishments in Fringe Science?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It has long been known that everyone believes that an actor is a
} scientist if they wear a white coat.
}
} What is less well known is that everyone believes a scientist is an
} out-of-work actor if they go to Edinburgh and hand out flyers and
} burgers in the street.
} (That's the only Fringe joke I know; deal with it.)
}
} Anyway, Fringe Science is based on people stepping on the hem of
} someone's coat and tripping them up, or similar accidents. (You might
} ask, why would someone wear a coat that long in the first place? Well,
} Joseph wore a technically-coloured am-dram-coat and look where it got
} him.)
}
} Without the effects of long coats, we would never have discovered
} astronomy (Johannes Kepler tripped over Tycho Brahe's coat and saw
} stars.)
}
} We would never have discovered how to protect against gas explosions
} in coal mines (after Humphrey Bogart's pet canary was startled by his
} farts, got tangled up in his curtains and ripped them off the wall, so
} he had to lock the canary in a metal cage and threaten to set it on
} fire. Thus was born the Davy's safety lamp; able to detect explosive
} gastric emissions before they occurred at the cost of only one canary
} per fart.)
}
} Most importantly of all, we would never have discovered computers. The
} story of how Charles Babbage, annoyed by his automatic loom messing up
} the hem of his nice new summer coat, invented an automatic
} differentiation engine, to differentiate between blue/black and
} white/gold is well known. The story of Ada Lovelace (who owned the
} precursor brand to Ann Summers) is less well known, even though she
} invented parallel threaded computing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fringe benefit (my hair got a bit long during
} lockdown).

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:52:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1598-07

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

You asked me please to gather up some additional supplicants for your
army. I mentioned you to my brother and to my father. My brother
laughed and said, "Like the tooth fairy, eh?" My dad said, "You still
haven't figured out that I was Santa Claus, just me in a silly suit
with some pillows, I see."

It's awful hard to convince people that you are who you think you are.
Nobody believes me. Except you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was a man who said "Here
} I am. No-one should find it queer
} That my sentience thus
} Demonstrates animus".
} So Descartes put the horse to the rear.
}
} Contrary? J. Sartre was so
} Stating "sum" antecedes one's "ego"
} Philosophic U-turning
} Had thinkers' ears burning.
} It weren't just a switch of bons mots.
}
} Existence depends on belief
} And vice versa, you see? To be brief
} But the two are entwined
} And of similar kind:
} Of both body and mind I'm the chief.
}
} You owe your family a nonthought-experiment. Here's my .45.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:52:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1598-08

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Hello, my name is Magoono Quagglemyre. Obviously a fake name, of
course. I just needed to grovel to you by appearing to be more of a
loser than any other supplicants. Top of the bottom of the heap, as it
were. The name says it all.

What's the best way to recover from an unplanned defenestration? Like
when I visit Prague next month?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In subjects most fenestral
} The q is moot.the best, y'all
} Can take a trump
} By the hump
} (Big lump.)
}
} Avoiding thus european v.a.t.
} D'ya see?
} Cos in cszechia
} You cAnnae cash a check. Ja?
}
} So plenty of folding money
} Honey
} Will get you down the danube or duna
} Sooner.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dire critical remark.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:52:07 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1598-09

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

This message was sent from a non-IU address. Please exercise caution
when clicking links or opening attachments from external sources.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Please exercise caution." ???
}
} Clearly a misprint. Must have meant cation, as in Na+ or K+. The
} correct method for exercising a cation is to restore and remove the
} electron repeatedly, thus building muscles on the cat.
}
} No, it doesn't make any sense to me, either.
}
} You owe the Oracle an.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 06 Sep 21 20:52:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1598-10

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

It's been a long time since I have asked you a decent question. In the
time since then I have changed my name again, twice. I am now Decent M. Schportchnoozle. Not much worse than before. Or befive, as that Great
Danish Piano Person once said.

Anyway, my name is now Decent, unlike what it was yesterday when I was
still named after that fellow from the conic section Joe Btfsplk.

Why do I still hate myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah that's your basic problem, you're still hanging around with the
} conic section... an eccentric bunch know occasionally to be somewhat
} elliptic.
}
} Let me say plane. Again. Assumed nomenclatura is no surer sine of base
} motives. Your supposed friend or cosiner could have done no finer than
} to seek ant like you. Your trig is infra dig.
}
} With some careful practice of observing the geodesical sphere
} It will become clear.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1598 ******************************************

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