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Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:25 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1597

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1597
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1592 12 votes 02352 11361 31431 02244 02244 11343 00642 02370 03252 20631
1592 3.5 mean 3.6 3.4 2.8 3.8 3.8 3.6 3.7 3.4 3.5 3.1

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:26 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-01

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I was tossing and turning all night last night, didn't sleep at all,
dreaming about fish and grammar raise and oracles. I think you were in
my dreams. But why? Can't you bother some other supplican't instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question you thus raise
} Requires a bouillabaisse
} French granmmer - merde pas difficile
} To any not an imbecile
}
} Mix flour and milk into a roux
} Add butter: that's not hard to do
} Then lihghtly steam on cooktop pan
} It's capable of any man
}
} A sea fish is the best you see
} A cod or something that will be
} the best, toss lightly as you are
} And you'll find dish spectacular
} Add little cream - don1t overdo it
} Otherwise you'll find they spew it
} Top with parsley then you're done
} Gentle heat - at 21
}
} Thence fish in huit minutes will be
} As tender tasty as can be
}
} You owe the Oracle Albert Haddock

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:27 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Am I really autistic? On the one hand I was talking to myself, but on
the other hand it was about the pain I was feeling from looking at a
picture of a person with a deformity. But does that just mean I'm not a psycho? On the other hand, maybe I'm just selfish and weak? I'm so
confused.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are truly artistic. You are engaged in a fully functional exercise
} in collaborative writing, and anything you say, write or smell will be
} taken as your contribution to our cohesive yet diverse community of nut
} cases. None of us is psychic (except for me, the Oracle Himself) but
} all of us share in a unique and ongoing psychotic episode. So yes, you
} are psycho, but only if you doubt it.
}
} Unless you are the kind of idiot who has two e-mail addresses so that
} you can answer your own questions as both supplicant and incarnation,
} you are not actually crazy. I tried that once and they came and locked
} me up, here in the sub-basement of the mathematics building at Indiana
} University. I escape frequently, especially for trips to Cancun.
}
} You owe the Oracle your further belief in the absurd, and an interview
} with His Imperial Majesty Joshua A. Norton.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:28 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-03

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Le soleil s'arrive
Ciels aux aut bleu
C'est pas dnuaguex
Espoiler la vue

Mais il pleut. Il pleut dans ma couer
La meteo dit "claire" aujourd-hui
Il ne sais pas, ma femme n'ice
Alors il pleut... il pleut dans ma coeur

Oh' miserie, miserie, qui va less-que au moi?
R. S. V. P.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you mean "ma femme n'ice" she can overlook one English word. She's
} warm. Enjoy.
} If you mean "ma femme nice, she can overlook one English word. She's
} nice. Enjoy.
} If you mean "ma femme n'ici" she's gone. Enjoy.
}
} Si vous voulez qu'elle revienne, ne lui donnez pas de fromage
} ame'ricain.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:29 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-04

Selected-By: Joe Banks <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I just moved to France and the water taps are all wrong. The right-hand
tap (C) (that's cold, of course) gives hot water. And the hot tap is
marked (F) and gives cold water. Do French plumbers hate me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No way, that's clearly Celsius and Fahrenheit. Calm the F down.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:30 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-05

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I was marked wrong because I din't catiplaize Bleak an din't spell it
rite. But why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What the Dickens?!
}
} It is perfectly simple Molesworth as ane fule kno. Bleak House was
} where mane of his farmers novels were writ, on the kent (sp korect for
} a change) coast at Broadstairs. He rote several farmers novels there
} including Martin Chuuzzlewit, the aforemenshioned Bleek House, A
} Picture of Dorian Gray no hang on that was Wilde, er and some other
} stuff including his unfinished novel.
}
} Broadstairs a small coastal town by the sea in Kent, has ideal views
} of windfarms. Add that in your essay to pad it out a bit. Its most
} famous resident was Charles - oh we did that. With its wide sandy
} beaches and olde worlde charm (please be aware olde and worlde are not
} proper speling, Molesworth, but used by signwriters on shops you
} should not enter as they are full of creme tees and old lades) viking
} bay is a popular spot for surfers and on a gud day you kan se the
} ferries going from Dover to Calais. That is abt all i kan sa abt
} Broadstairs. There is trane that go to Charing X. And bak agane.
}
} English orfografie is all over the place cos of infulences from varyus
} other languages and rely speling reform did not get hold until
} Johnson's dictionary of 1752. befor that peple just spelled or spelt
} as they fancied. Webster in north america tried to sort the mess out
} but still leaves some anomlys.
}
} For example take the dipthong "ch". Chime, pitch, loch, chimera,
} chamois. wot chance does a skoolboy hav? It's a chiz.
}
} So forget ever atempting to spel korektly and do it all fonetic and
} say you are brave kuting a new wave. Key dates Webster 1811, Johnson
} 1752, establishment of O E D 1930ish (plese chek) and general trend
} towards deskriptiv instead of preskriptiv gramar, Take Kings English
} (1911) by Fowler bros, as updated by Gowers in 1952. That should pad
} out midle of your esay.
}
} It helps if yuo speke another language to se how ridikulous english
} speling is.
}
} You ow the Orakle a grote.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:31 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-06

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

How may I conquer my anxieties?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is time to take the bull by the tail and look the matter squarely in
} the face.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:32 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-07

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why didn't I marry Caroline Kennedy (daughter of JFK) when I had the
chance, when I learned that she had left Schlossburger? That I wasn't
born until 2004 should not have been an excuse, right? Meanwhile,
what's a good plan for finding someone I should marry, perforably with
lots of money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Although I am completely infallible, I do not have a brilliant
} track-record on match-making. This explains why I encouraged Zadoc to
} date a Tibetan Buddhist monk (they both spent most of their time
} sweeping floors, which I think counts for something). What I failed to
} consider was their different shift patterns (Zadoc works 6am-11pm
} every day and the monk works 11pm-6am and meditates the rest of the
} time) and eating habits (the monk is vegetarian, and Zadoc literally
} eats habits).
}
} However, I believe that being born with one of: a title (not just "To
} Kill a Mocking Bird" or "Fly Fishing"), land (not just a landing) or
} old money (better than new money because it used to be LSD), generally
} helps with finding a rich partner.
}
} If you haven't got any of those, then my extensive survey of
} literature suggests hanging around a queen's palace and waiting until
} some really simple, but socially unacceptable (to the upper classes)
} task needs doing. Something like lancing the queen's favourite cat's
} boil, or possibly picking a flower that only grows in a poor part of
} the village and puts you at grave risk of the plague (or whatever it
} is that poor people have these days).
}
} Once you have fulfilled this simple desire, the queen will fall head
} over heels in love with you and give you half her kingdom (or a
} discount voucher at Lidl).
}
} The drawback is that you have to pretend to like ruling things.
}
} These days, there are far fewer queens around, so I believe the modern
} approach is to slide into someone's DMs (Doc Martens) who seems to
} have a rich lifestyle and hope they don't mistake you for a burglar.
} Or, set aside your morals, and trade it all in for some rich donor's
} offer to buy you wallpaper and you'll be running the UK in no time
} (allegedly).
}
} You owe the Oracle an invitation to the wedding (Boris Johnson's
} fourth one, not yours, obviously).

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:33 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-08

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Our garden club, VSGDJT, which stands for Very Special Gardens During
Jiffy Times, was hastily put together by my great-uncle Mel who worked
on the IBM 360/67 CP/CMS at MIT Lincoln Lab. As an IBM entity it uses
weird IBM nomenclature such as data sets instead of files, which was
handy when we wanted to avoid being understood.

I am the last member of the Garden Club in our state (the Garden State,
NJ) who has any interest at all in the insane IBM retroprocity. Could
you please lend me Little Bobby Tables, SQL Injection and EXECUTE AS so
that I can complete Uncle Mel's mission?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Little Bobby isn't here at the moment, unfortunately. He was kicked
} out of school because his date of birth was 1st January 1970, and was
} arrested for impersonating a child.
} You can have Dr NULL, DoB 31st December 1969, from Null Island (just
} off the coast of Africa) instead.
}
} A SQL injection isn't needed if you use Johnson & Johnson's vaccine
} (although who wants two Johnsons; the UK has one too many in charge
} already).
}
} Also, EXECUTE AS sounds as though someone got tired of listening to
} the instruction "Execute ASAP" and obeyed too quickly (rather like the
} mruder of Thomas Eh Becket, the Candian martyr). Unfortunately, the
} command was supposed to be "Execute a somersault and forward roll". My
} condolences to the gymnast's family.)
}
} So, your Uncle's mission does seem to be doomed. Unless you can find
} an 80-column punched roll of paper that wasn't used in place of toilet
} paper in the great bog-roll shortage of 2020.
}
} You owe the Oracle a heist movie starring Alan Turing, Brian
} Kernighan, and Ada Lovelace.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:34 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-09

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

The code has an unsupported bug. It sometimes comes up as "IEH0000
Unable to load error handler." Other times it does a BSOD but with
squiggly stripes. Please send patch.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As part of an Oracle apprentice training initiative (I get extra
} government funding for it), I gave your request to my current cohort.
}
} After creating a mindmap from a very inclusive, non-judgemental, and
} open idea-sharing fusion event, they came up with the following
} possible replies:
}
} - Send the supplicant a patch-cable (from Linda, aged 23 and
} three-quarters)
} - Send the supplicant a nicotine patch (from Mike, aged 64 and owner
} of a vacuum cleaner)
} - Send the supplicant a paint patch-test (from Stacy, age 37 and
} former book-reader)
} - Send the supplicant a dog called Patch (from Bryony, age 32, whose
} ambition is to be a wardrobe)
} - Berate the supplicant for being too geeky (from Simon, age 51 whose
} recent divorce from an IT technician has left him somewhat stressed).
} - Ignore the question entirely (from Kirsty, age 45, and stay-at-home
} chef)
} - Send a very confusing reply to the supplicant that has no relation to
} the question but makes them think they've read something funny, even
} if they didn't laugh (from Quentin, age 28, champagne socialist and
} blue shirt owner).
} - Make the supplicant answer their own question by giving them a range
} of options (from Hannah, age 48, former marketing executive who always
} cleans her tins before putting them out for recycling).
}
} You owe the Oracle a government grant that requires less effort.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 21 Jun 21 07:39:35 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1597-10

Selected-By: Joe Banks <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Tom Lehrer famously sang, "... and EVERYBODY hates the Jews."

Tom's a secular Jew, at least by inheritance, so his song gives him a
good opportunity for self-loathing. That'll arise out of necessity or illogical consistency, or something.

During National Brotherhood Week does he actually step up and shake his
own hand? Please explain.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} National Brotherhood Week was banned some years ago, due to the
} surprise discovery of a previously unknown segment of humanity known
} as the sisterhood.
}
} As a non-Jew myself (the Oracle is famously Greek), the only parallel
} (apart from the 49th) that I can comment on is the Church of England
} (slightly obscure for a Greek atheist like myself, but bear with me).
}
} The Church of England is famously both Protestant (following Henry The
} "Hoover" Eighth protesting that he couldn't divorce) and Catholic (due
} to the English love of men (largely) in purple dresses with rose
} petals and incense). However, the Church Synod (Synod is French for
} "If you nod off, you lose") frequently shakes hands with itself,
} although fairly begrudgingly.
}
} I therefore deduce that Mr Lehrer does shake his own hand, but only
} because he thinks he's inferior to himself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Church of England themed Vatican Rag entitled
} "The Lambeth Palace Walk".

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1597 ******************************************

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