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Date: Fri, 19 Feb 21 15:28:23 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1595

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1595
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1590 13 votes 12253 20344 12442 02821 21262 23611 24511 04342 12730 25312
1590 3.1 mean 3.5 3.6 3.3 3.2 3.4 2.7 2.6 3.3 2.9 2.7

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Feb 21 15:28:24 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1595-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I don't understand you. First you clog up my toilet...

Wait, you're not James Q. Sandwiches, are you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am the Internet Oracle, and you have dared approach my awesome throne
} instead of using your own. It's clogged, eh? And you blame me?
}
} Look, long ago I told you, "Take the plunge." Did you put it back
} afterwards, or did you leave it in the garden shed? You really should
} check your premises, as a famous but well-known writer once told us.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Feb 21 15:28:25 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1595-02

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Everything run like crockwork. Best horrible answer ever. Not complain
yogurt compare yoga. Thankyou.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Time to disable the misfortune cookies.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Feb 21 15:28:26 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1595-03

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why was she crying?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This kind of question usually revolves around the mistaken reading of
} tears (as in rips) as tears (as in eyejuice).
}
} You owe the Oracle a dreadful poem with puns based on tears-tiers and
} tears-tares. Extra points (they aren't worth anything) for working in
} the anagrams rates, stare, aster and any others you may discover.
} Caution, do not read the poem aloud to the Oracle as if you were
} William Topaz McGonagall.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Feb 21 15:28:27 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1595-04

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Recently someone, perhaps my grandfather, perhaps my Auntie Gertrude
who is blind in her left eye and invisible in the other, or perhaps you
(with your penetrating gaze and your smelly nose), sent me a list of unforgettable items that I should remember to purchase for my
collection of overwhelmingly unique nostalgia.

Several problems here.

1. I don't remember who sent me the list.
2. I don't know where I put it. I think I filed it in the /tmp
directory, but that must have been by mistake.
3. Because I didn't read it, I have not forgotten what was on it, but
that's sort of the same effect.
4. My reliance on your Insurmountable and Inscrutable Omniscience led
me to believe that I could recover the list simply by asking you
this question.

So I have forgotten all that unforgettable mess.

Where is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Memories are like eggs. They can be addled, raw, runny, smelly,
} scrambled, or poached (from other people). My most memorable eggs,
} sorry, memories, come from ostriches.
} Hence the saying, "Nostalgia isn't all it's cracked up to be".
}
} Anyway, I digress.
}
} The list you are looking for was sent to a VT100 terminal by Brian
} Kernighan, using a FORTRAN program compiled from a set of punched
} cards. In order to locate this terminal, you must answer three
} fiendish quiz questions, each more taxing than the last.
} Unfortunately, because I got distracted by Lisa last night, I asked
} Zadoc to set the questions, and he came up with the following:
}
} 1) In relation to the ground, where do the Wombles live?
} 2) What do Winnie The Pooh and Vlad The Impaler have in common?
} 3) What did Daleks and Thora Hird used to have trouble climbing?
}
} (The answers are NOT: "Over", "An insatiable lust for honey and
} violence", and "A social hierarchy").
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Proust's little known cookery book: "In
} Search of Lost Thyme".

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Feb 21 15:28:28 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1595-05

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

It's totally clear
From everything I hear
That William Topaz McGonagall's skills
Are what gives me ills.

The focus on rhyme
Is really a crime.
Not to mention the inattention
To appropriate scansion.

So isn't it obvious
That all of this doggerel for us
Shows that our Oracular
Pundit or his incarnation is behaving less than spectacular?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was a writer of verse,
} Whose poems were on subjects diverse,
} His name was McGonagall,
} The rhymes were demonical,
} And liking them was seen as perverse.
}
} There once was an Internet Oracle,
} Whose poems were all diabolical.
} Their main style was limerick,
} Had as much taste as plastic,
} And were much worse than those of McGonagall.
}
} A supplicant once asked the sage,
} To write a poem that fit on one page,
} The Oracle muttered,
} That their bread was not buttered,
} And the supplicant went off in a huff because the Oracle wasn't making
} any sense whatsoever and, in any case, couldn't write poems for
} toffee.
} The Oracle pointed out that the supplicant hadn't even offered any
} toffee (or any buttered bread) and, if they did, it still wouldn't
} guarantee any decent poetry because they were a pseudo-historical
} construct designed to answer actual questions to do with the meaning
} of life, not self-referential ones about whether the Oracle could
} write poetry or not.
}
} You owe the Oracle some rhymes for Nantucket.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Feb 21 15:28:29 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1595-06

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I forget: Does a tin of pepper make a can of maces, or does a tin of a
mace make a can of pepper spray? My "tinning kit" is limited.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As the sun pulls away from the shore and Spike Jones's boat sinks
} slowly in the west, we come to the famous Space Islands. There is
} nothing here except space, which is filled with joyful natives playing
} local instruments such as the crwth and the bagpipes. Off in the
} distance you can see the Romans, roaming about looking to establish new
} sites for tin mines, and pirates, looking for Penzance.
}
} You owe the Oracle some encouragement in creating answers that do not
} contain bagpipes, pythons, G&S, or obscure references to Star Trek.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Feb 21 15:28:30 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1595-07

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I want to learn the metric or SI system of measurements but it is too complicated. But I have a plan. The system is full of confusing "kilo"
things like kilogrammes, kilometeres, and kilovolts. I propose that we
just call them all kilos. Then my height, my weight, the distance to Grandmother's house, the temperature, and the electricity can all be
130 kilos. No dividing by nine and multiplying by 4.5 while adding 32
or subtracting 23.

My Grandmother says there is a fly in the ointment and that my plan is
folly. I think she is trying to tell me that it's so stupid that it's brilliant.

What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now take your simple decimals
} And then forget your L S D
} The metric then goes simple thus
} it's all about the rule of three
}
} So kilo is 'bout twice a pound
} IF you round up a bit, its sound.
} A farthing is now half a quart
} And that's five hundred mill. You ought
} To learn your basic arithmetics
} before weights measures and metrics
}
} You owe the Oracle a conversion chart from 1753.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Feb 21 15:28:31 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1595-08

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oh Oracle Majestic
Quite handy with a feathered flick
Whose Hoovers suck up all the muck
Whose dusters wipe a dipstick

Please tell me:

Since it is getting close to the vernal equinox I have been doing my
usual annual rounds with the old to-and-fro, beating out old wives
from the carpets and so forth. I discovered, on my rounds, this
strange silver coin which could be a threepenny bit or a seventeenth
century Marigold (coined in India). Should I take it to the
numismatist or just stick it in the whisky har together with various denominations of unknown currencies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here, let me look at it closely. Yes, the "17" aspect is correct. It is
} a 17-forint coin from the Former Subjugacy of Elbonia. They are
} exceptionally rare, but also exceptionally worthless. The Elbonians
} used them for holding mud springs in place during spring cleaning. The
} technique never worked, and all of the coins were lost in the mud.
}
} Why forints and not some other monetary unit? The Elbonians always
} thought Elbonia was ruled by the Hungarians, but they were slightly or
} extremely deluded. The Hungarians had never heard of them, though, and
} thought, through thorough misdirection, that they were French.
}
} You owe the Oracle a useful sentence which contains the words through,
} though, thought, taught, thorough, tough, Superman, clerk, and
} Tashkent.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Feb 21 15:28:32 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1595-09

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Watt's wrong with just saying kilowatts instead of kilowatthours? I
think that putting hours into the word just confuses people. All we
need is to understand if we can get our car battery charged so we can
go somewhere without having to wait forever for a additional charge to
get home again. It took a hour of driving around just to find a
charging place with a pulg that fitted into our car, and then nearly
TWO HOLE HOURS just to charge it at way too high a price. Each
killowatt was like $2 or more. The ammount of energy I buy 75
kilowatts, I'm thinking like three quarts of a tank, should not cost
that much!

Please help me to find cheaper.

And faster.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well you have to know what's what, or what's not. James Watt, the
} famous electrician, discocered the Watt for whom it is named after.
} This is why incandescent lamps on your tricycle don't work properly.
} You need 60 watts at least at about four amperes (named after
} Voltaire, the other chap) and that should get your leccy car running
} properly. Let"s assume V = IA so that one Voltaire equals one ampere,
} then fiddling around a bit with the equations take the sinusoidal,
} that gives you one voltaire equals one james watt at the usual
} potential difference, taking I = Ian Woosnam the golfer as the earth
} or neutral. Let one I = one W = one V = one A. Now, take the English
} cricket team in India, who have lost the second test by a ridiculously
} high margin, and take I = India and E = England and do 354/5 in six
} overs. Take "over" as your differential. You now have James Watt,
} Voltaire, Ian Woosnam and the entire English cricket team. Divide by
} six and subtract the number you first thought of.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ohm.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Feb 21 15:28:33 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1595-10

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My sister has decided to be a Goth. She dresses weird and talks funny.
She initially claimed to be a Visigoth, but right now she is hiding
where I can't see her, which means she is an Invisigoth. She won't
listen to me at all, and only says, "You have to talk to me in Gothic."

Well, I looked up the Gothic language and it is extinct. It is a dead language spoken only by dead people, which is of course what my sister
is dressing up as for like over. Because you know everything you know
Gothic. Please translate this paragraph into Gothic, but keep it a
secret from my sister.

If all that is too much for you, then simply give me some random words
that sound sort of Gothic, just like, "Foring mests larry no granning
sunners in the rones," sounds like English, but isn't. Indeed you could
just translate that into Gothic. Similarly, "Inquabatur corrivios
lapulos per exteritum fularium in pirtis curibusque," appears to be
Latin but isn't. And Latin is a dead language, too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You seem very confused. What your sister is experiencing is a common
} phenomenon known as Late Gothic Revival. Symptoms tend to include
} magnificent churchworks. Check her daily for flying buttresses,
} archetraves, or porticos.
}
} Your Latin is appalling. Inquabutram convolvulus lupus per extremis
} fularo in spiritis circumspice, the wolf goes around the edges hoping
} to find something inside. Tut tut tut, really, check your Shortbread
} Eating Primer.
}
} You owe the Oracle Nicholas Pevsner and Nigel Molesworth

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1595 ******************************************

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