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Date: Thu, 24 Dec 20 17:26:24 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1594

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1594
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1589 11 votes 14420 22340 20540 13520 33131 20513 12233 10613 12233 00533
1589 3.1 mean 2.6 2.8 3.0 2.7 2.6 3.3 3.5 3.5 3.5 3.8

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Dec 20 17:26:25 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1594-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I have crossed broccoli with bluberries to create broccolberries.
Strangely, although neither broccoli nor bluberries have thorns, broccolberries do have them, like blackberries, only worse. The thorns
are inside the fruit of the broccolberry, waiting for the tongue and
palate of the unsuspecting diner.

Obviously you and I aren't going to eat them, because we know their
hidden secret.

To whom should I serve Roast Broccolberry Surprise? And what is a good recipe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Broccolberry Surprise. Serves 4 people you don't like very much
} (Or 2 people you really can't stand)
}
} Invite 2 or 4 people around for supper. Apply alcohol liberally, around
} the gums, and into the stomachs. Get your wife to do the
} amuses-bouches, while you concentrate on the main event.
}
} Brocolberry Baton-Mouche a la magyar kinai gyorsetterem:
}
} Take six broccolberries,. a grain of salt.
} Add the Old English letter thorn, from an Old English tin of spaghetti
} letters.
} With three pounds of sugar, sweeten the blackthorns.
}
} Voulez-vous prire reduction au jus. That'll do.
} On va puit commence in the literal sense.
}
} Take a crumble, you see- you will now need a roux
} WIth some liszt or farine, you know quite what to do
} mix together with buerre, leonine-right, concur?
} Ne va laisser brule! Il faut tojours a stir
}
} Puis mettre les graces dans un grande ha ha ha
} Cook at gas for minutes, at Reumur mark 4
} Then suivre les vents, son partie., a gestation
} Can swiftly be followed with defenestration.
}
} You owe the Oracle seventeen excuses for avoiding parties.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Dec 20 17:26:26 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1594-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Dear Oracle, Magnifico, who knows the most signidfico
Of watermarks and ink and bleach (don't make this public: each to each)

I'c wrritten my CV they say
In paper industry: way hay!
I know that stuff off the back of my hand
And getting the role will get me twenty grand

So can I put you down as referee
On my brief resumee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's a letter of introduction you can use.
}
} Dear employer:
} Allow me to give you my opinion of J. Topaz Supplicant, who has applied
} for a position in your department. I cannot recommend him too highly
} nor say enough good things about him. There is no other supplicant of
} mine with whom I can adequately compare him. His queries are the sort
} of work you don't expect to see nowadays and in them he has clearly
} demonstrated his complete capabilities. The amount of material he knows
} will surprise you. You will indeed be fortunate if you can get him to
} work for you. Sincerely,
} T. I. Oracle.
}
} I hope that this letter allows you to attain a position that you
} deserve.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Dec 20 17:26:27 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1594-03

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

It's common in the U.S. to address political officers as Mr. President,
Mr. Secretary, Mr. Ambassador, etc., if they're male; Madam President,
etc. if they're female.

But what if they're non-binary?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SOLVED in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts! The form of address for
} the Governor is, "Your Excellency."
}
} You owe the Oracle a list of all Massachusetts towns or cities with
} excellent names. Here are some examples:
}
} The town of Winthrop is presumably named after Governor Winthrop.
} The town of Bradford is presumably named after Governor Bradford.
} The town of Kingston is presumably named after Governor King.
} The town of Peabody is presumably named after Governor Peabody.
} The town of Endicott is presumably named after Governor Peabody.
} The town of Marblehead is presumably named after Governor Peabody.
} The town of Grafton is presumably named after many Governors.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Dec 20 17:26:28 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1594-04

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Here I am again, your amply useless supplicant!

You'll remember, I'm the guy who Googled for Ample Side Door Vinegar
instead of Apple Cider Vinegar, and got dreadfully sick when my dog
died.

What's the use of following quack qures, I mean cures, like vinegar?
Why am I constantly searching the Internet for things that don't work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have a mysterious and unfortunate inheritance, young supplicant. I
} command you, use this power only for good, and not for evil. With
} great power comes a great electricity bill.
}
} You have been cursed by the spirits of the Orient (15 Wardour Street,
} London, W1D 6PH - L=15 for a shot of finest vodka) that whatsoever
} you search for on the Internet will not work. I urge and beseech you,
} for the sake of all humanity, never to type the following into Google:
}
} - Google
} - Antibiotics
} - Socialism
} - Democracy (your mildly cursed cousin Ethel tried this, but
} fortunately she only affected the USA, UK, and Brazil)
} - Contraception (although a lack of antibiotics may give the same
} effect)
}
} You should feel bad about having typed the following into Google:
} - Shakespearean jokes
} - Pineapple on pizza
} - White wine to remove red wine stain
} - Does glaring at someone cause their soul to combust?
} - "World-beating" as an inspiring adjective
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise never to try to find yourself.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Dec 20 17:26:29 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1594-05

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Dear Oracle, oh borderless
Most omnipotent (more or less)
Who can jump over any border
In short order

Please tell me:

I've just had my passport application rejected as under the title "Occupation" I put "Expert". What should I have written?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Poet." It's as much a lie as "Expert" but harder to prove wrong.
}
} You owe the Oracle the man from Peru whose limericks would end in line
} two, and of course the man from Verdun. Also, Emperor Nero.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Dec 20 17:26:30 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1594-06

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

New computer game! New computer game! I just invented it, but I have
not written the code yet. You've gotta see it!

It is so complicated that only I (and you) can understand it. I'll play
the game and win EVERY TIME! It's a solitaire game, so I can play by
myself, which is all for the best because I really don't like people.

And of course I'll know all the ways to cheat because I wrote them!!!

I'm bored already and I haven't played it yet.

I need some other game. Please give me a hint.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good news!
} The Oracle has decided to make you the very big star of his very own,
} newly invented game! And it's in real life, so you won't even need
} one of those pesky computers, that have to be upgraded all the time!
}
} First sit inside this box, Ready? Now, stick your head up a random
} of those holes in the top.
}
} *WHACK*
}
} Good! Do it again! You won't? How can I play Whack-a-supplicant if
} you just sit there holding your head? Oh, well. Let me flip this
} switch and...
}
} *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK*
}
} See? It's for situations like this I electrified the bottom of the box.
}
} *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* ...

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Dec 20 17:26:31 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1594-07

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I wanted several replies to my question, but you sent me several
reptiles instead.

Snakes! Why does it always have to be snakes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant.
} I'm happy to tell you that as part of the Oracle Customer Satisfaction
} Programme, you have been given a free upgrade to king size alligators.
}
} I hope this will solve problems for both of us.
} With kind regards, Oracle Customer Support.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Dec 20 17:26:32 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1594-08

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Geeeezuss Chr*st! It's already Wednesday again! The goddam week is
almost half gone. What am I gonna do?

Wait a minute, it's only Tuesday. But that's still just as bad. I've
got to have everything coded and tested by Friday, and the SQA guy is
burnt out from working weekends and all-nighters. He says "Test your
own GD code!"

Look, can you test it for me? And no saying, "It's just plain no
good." That won't help even if it's true.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} -1
} NULL
} "; DROP TABLE;
} 0
} 404
} let f = f;
} 1e400
} @example.com
} ^D
} \r^M
} "NULL"
} "rm -rf /*
} #!/wallop
} asin(-2);
} pow(0,0)
} ping 192.168.256.0;
} (-1)[a]
} 1.3.14 <= 1.3.9
} let true = false;
} *nullptr;
} \\$$$$_
} '"''""
} a-+--+a
} \//\\//s//g*/
} {,}
} 7**-0.5
} ^I-
} EOF
}
} You owe the Oracle some kind of exception.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Dec 20 17:26:33 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1594-09

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I was waiting for Godot but found you instead. Where can I find him?

Oh, and just to keep you on track, or maybe the other way around, I
went to a Contra Dance last week, hopling to find people who disagreed
with everyone. No such luck. Everyone was far too nice. But the dance
caller DID announce that one dance would be in Beckett Formation. We
were beside ourselves with Joy. Still waiting for Godot, though.
Whatever you can do might or might not help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sam B wrote quite obscure stuff
} And tended do it off-the-cuff
} The stage directions, do ya see
} Show vlad and E where they can't be
}
} The existential paradox
} He then continued knocks-for-knocks
} By chracter who don't appear
} And thus you'll find him waiting here
}
} Because I am the chief arranger
} Godot's in my antechamber.
}
} You owe toe Oracle something Irish.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Dec 20 17:26:34 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1594-10

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Tellme all about the Portugoose.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's get to the bottom of your problems. You cannot resist an
} opportunity to make a pun. It is impossible for others, even other
} incorrigible punsters, to hold a factual and productive conversation
} with you because you make or let loose a pun at every opportunity.
} About the only thing worse would be if you were a poet.
}
} You already know what you DON'T owe the Oracle.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1594 ******************************************

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