----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Thu, 08 Oct 20 13:11:01 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1593

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1593
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1588 13 votes 04225 01462 10471 11416 02641 03541 01255 22414 01552 32440
1588 3.5 mean 3.6 3.7 3.5 3.8 3.3 3.2 4.1 3.2 3.6 2.7

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 08 Oct 20 13:11:02 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1593-01

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

He's in England. What sort of incarnational passport do I need to get
an answer that makes sense? It's April, so you probably understand.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm very sorry supplicant, but you are attempting to get a straight
} answer out of Boris Johnson, and that's near impossible for an
} omnipotent being such as myself.
}
} When you ask him something quite obvious like: why haven't you made a
} deal with Europe yet? Why didn't you act quickly before covid-19
} spread throughout the population? And what is it with your hair?
}
} The simple true answer in all cases is: because Dominic Cummings told
} me so.
}
} But, if Prime Minister's Question Time is a continual stream of
} 'because Dominic Cummings told me so', then even the long suffering
} and frankly thick as two planks Great British Public will realise that
} they're being ruled by some random unelected and unaccountable person.
}
} So, things tend to go like this:
}
} Q: Prime Minister, what have you done to progress negotiations with
} Europe?
}
} A: Well ah you see ah Germany, no Denmark, no they aren't EU I see ah
} must keep stiff upper ah oh well tell you what British spirit eh what
} you all need to remember Churchill will be what who will fix it ah no
} not him I mean that bananas - remember bananas - more money for the
} NHS but yes we must sell the NHS oh wait no we never said sell the NHS
} we said someone gives us money and they have the NHS but the NHS will
} be ours forever until it isn't unless there is a reason why and you
} must not reason why I saw the news today oh boy but that doesn't
} matter while we are the greatest what were we again ...
}
} Q: That's a 'nothing' then.
}
} A: Not nothing you must remember ah British spirit must not be pushed
} around by ah ....
}
} You owe The Oracle a political candidate that can put 2 and 2
} together, and not put the 4 straight into their own pocket.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 08 Oct 20 13:11:03 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1593-02

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I asked you before about the One Thousand and One Arabian Nights of
the Round Table and you gave me a silly answer.

This time please get it right.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't you know that, by definition, a Round Table has NO rights?
}
} Now, if you had asked about the 999 Occidental Days of the Rectangular
} Wardrobe, things would be different indeed.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 08 Oct 20 13:11:04 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1593-03

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I have to write about the Piggs Bozon. Now I know that you'll be
thinking that I mean the Higgs Boson or perhaps Boron, but I don't
because I have the written instructions for the assignment right here
in front, darn, well, somewhere on my desk. Or in. Or under.

Anyway, be that as it may, you can certainly tell me more than I know
about the Piggs Bozon.

Thank you.

PS: I need it by three this afternoon.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, the Piggs Bozon. This is the elementary particle in what will
} be the standard model of physics 3.0 discovered in about 3290 which is
} responsible for mediating the force of bad luck in the fundamental bad
} luck field.
}
} Similar to how the hypothetical (spoiler: real) gravitron which is
} responsible for mediating the force of gravity, the Piggs Bozon
} enables bad luck to apply throughout the universe, but seemingly
} concentrated in the physical environment of my supplicants.
}
} As you will know, supplicant, dark matter is called dark because it
} doesn't interact with the electromagnetic field, and therefore cannot
} be seen. The Piggs Bozon does interact with the electromagnetic field,
} the Higgs field, and every other field, but always in the most
} inconvenient way possible and at the most inconvenient time.
}
} So, when you accidentally drop a piece of toast and it lands butter
} side down, it's because of the number of Piggs Bozons that have
} transmitted that bad luck to the toast.
}
} Piggs Bozons also mediate all your pens running out of ink in an exam,
} the exact time that your car will experience a puncture on the way to
} a new job, and potentially even affect the durability of the rear seam
} in your trousers when you are bending down in front of the Queen of
} England.
}
} It's said there is also a Sggip Bozon which mediates good luck.
} However, search for this particle has been fruitless due to all the
} experiments going wrong in the most inconvenient way at the most
} inconvenient time. Even though should it ever be discovered and tamed,
} the world could be made into a calm, happy, and lucky place.
}
} You owe The Oracle a pair of dice and a penny. It's all I need, I feel
} Sggip Bozons in the air tonight.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 08 Oct 20 13:11:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1593-04

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

&#128165;

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once again you are right, but the whole thing blew up in your face!

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 08 Oct 20 13:11:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1593-05

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

We all know that orange juice is healthy. I could live on nothing but
orange juice except it has very little beefsteak in it. I drink the
kind that is marked 100% ORANGE JUICE in big letters.

If 100% orange juice is good for me, what about 200%? Twice as good,
right? Where can I get some?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All 100% orange juice is diluted from 999% orange juice, both to
} produce larger batches and to reduce the strength that humanity can
} reach. This super-drink is heavily regulated and secured via Lead-lined
} steel and a faraday cage, both used to reduce radiation emitted. If
} any lunatic orange-juice drinker were to drink 999% pure orange juice,
} they would become nearly unstoppable in power and Vitamin C content.
} 200% orange juice, though weaker in power, can be obtained, though all
} 195 countries ban its usage. Drinking even a small amount would boost
} your health by 10 years and heal all wounds. However, you must go
} through the Orange juice black market to obtain any reasonable amount
} of the juice, with even the smallest amounts costing hundreds of
} thousands of dollars. Bootleg orange juice productions and violence
} among sellers makes this a very risky endeavor, so be careful. You must
} change sellers often to prevent the Orange Juice police from catching
} you buying. Use cryptocurrencies like etherium to pay for it nearly
} anonymously
} You owe the Oracle 1 glass of 102% purity orange juice.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 08 Oct 20 13:11:07 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1593-06

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why won't my hot girlfriend talk to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One of the biggest problems of having imaginary friends (square root of
} -1 and all that) is that they, too, have imaginary friends. Square
} things up a bit and you and she might get real.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 08 Oct 20 13:11:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1593-07

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

You wrote:

"You owe The Oracle some mushrooms, icing sugar, mustard, and fifteen
plastic freezer boxes."

Attached are fifteen plastic freezer boxes. You will have to fill them yourself with the rest of that glop. That icing sugar is not good for
you, you know, and if you were to eat too much you would die.

Fortunately you are too immortal to die, so you would just get the
creeping skin-crawlies as if you took some bad drugs.

What can I owe you, now that I have done you the favour of not sending
you the sugar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now,. I made it quite clear to you:
}
} Reduce the fungi with a little garlic oil, when they reach about flash
} point, take them out of the pan, shout Ouch Ouch Out THAT IS HOT, and
} dispose of them into one of the freezer boxes I provided.
}
} Having done so, grease-line one of your remaining containers. Add to
} the sugar a pinch of snuff, a teensie weensie bit of gunowder. With the
} icing sugar and half a pound of butter (if you haven't half a pound of
} butter, 230 grammes will do) and beat up your next-door neighbour. You
} should now have a buttercream and blood on your hands.
}
} Rinse hands thoroughly.
}
} For the mixture, take six eggs and separate the whites from the yolks.
} Okay, you'll get the hang of it... take TWELVE eggs... there, okay, we
} have three eggs. Now either your next door neighbour bleeds albumen or
} you are leaving far too much forensic evidence. Clear up the recently
} deceeased, put oven on at Gas Mark 4. If you don't have gas, try
} petrol, you weren't there when your neighbour came around, right?
}
} Ok so with icing sugar take the BOTTOM of a pint of milk (you may have
} to dispose of the rest), add a creamy cheese I would suggest double
} double gloucester gloucester. Whisk half-heartedly.
}
} For the base, take plenty of breadcrumbs, a very small amount of oil,
} place in a barrel and shake until slightly sinister. Then Roll Out The
} Barrel.. Rolll Out the Barrel of .... no hang on wrong recipe. Roll out
} the goo on an incompetent nigella untiil you are semi-hard.
}
} For the filling, add autumnal fruits such as "Fallen Women" apples,
} cherie's cherries, Blackburn blackthorns, and two decent shots of
} Windrush Rum.
}
} Stir inconsistently. Place an unbaked oven for three hours, and go down
} the pub.
}
} You owe the Oracle any better idea.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 08 Oct 20 13:11:09 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1593-08

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Like it was going to be of Biblical Proportions. How big a Bible will
that be? Can we pin it on a dancing angel's head? With what kind of
pins? How big are angels. That's angels, not angles. Oh I almost
forgot to grovel. You are the most holy or wholly Oracle I know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, I had a word with my mate "Inky" down at the press, and he says
} that Biblical proportions are usually done on Octavo, but sometimes on
} Q. In your modern-day barlingo, take a sheet of A1 and multiply it up
} to 2A0. That should get you about as much as a decent sheet of
} wallpaper.
}
} As for pins, it is really your choice of tictacs, or is that tactics?
} tin tacks. That's the fellows.
}
} Now all you have to do is find a tangential arc, preferably the Ark of
} the Convenient, and you can then pin the wallpaper on the Ark and as
} the Apocrypha says, "A mensa et thoro", "From thought to board". With
} your board, and the pins (PINS ARE NOT INCLUDED, MUST BE SUPPLICATED
} SEPARATELY) you can pin the paper to the board, thento the Arctangent
} of the ship's hull, or was that hell's sheep, where was I? Yes... then
} you can clearly write the Scripture starting, in the traditional way,
} at Genesis, and ending up with the new one, the one after Revelation.
} It's not officially recorded, but my mate down at the Vat tells me that
} he has it
} blue-pencilled in as the "Book of Oracle".
}
} You owe this incarnation

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 08 Oct 20 13:11:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1593-09

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I am trying to work on mathematics humor because my teacher says
mathematics aren't funny. I need something better than the "pie are
square, no, cornbread are square" joke, but I can't use any crazy
characters like sqrt or not-equals or epsilon or sigma because they
don't fit nicely into your Oracular Alphabet which only has the
printable parts of unreformed 1967 ASCII.

Maybe something using just integers. Or simple alimentary-school
algebra?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Patently you should start with Leacock, "Boarding-House Geometry". From
} there you will find that a pie can be reproduced any number of times.
}
} As I keep telling Zadok, mathematics is so much easier when you get rid
} of all the boring numbers and start calling everything phi, chi, xi and
} so on, then you can make anything equal what x is equal to, providing
} (according to Knuth) you typeset it nicely. Take, for example, a simple
} integer linear regression, like how much my hair falls out every time I
} read a stupid question from a stupid supplicant. You can show that the
} asymptomatic willl be that I will tend to have no hair and too many
} supplicants, take the first derivative in the complex plane and it is
} by facile princeps and modus ponens ponens easy to demonstrate, that my
} integral has more integrity than your integers.
}
} Now, what you have to do really is sit down at a good Peano and play a
} jolly tune called the propositional logic. From this you can work out,
} in a somewhat roundabout way, that 1 + 1 = 2. But really at that point
} all you've done is actually said "2 is the successor to the successor
} of zero", so it all looks nice on a first-term undergraduate paper, but
} gets you absolutely nowhere in real life.
}
} Mathematics is not about real life.
}
} Now, when it comes to integers, if you're being rational, then you can
} do most of the fiddly bits by assuming that I = x / Y. You can then
} leave your undergraduate students to work out what Y is. By that time,
} with compound interest at let's assume four percent per year, that is 4
} over a hundred or one twenty fifth, are you with me so far, by the time
} your students work out what i is, you'll be sitting on the Costa Del
} Bianco that the taxwoman doesn't need to know about.
}
} Now, let's up the game - ties plays the dealer: Roulette. Assume for
} the sake of my conscience that I haven't rigged the table, they are all
} integers, natural numbers, in the series from 0 to 36,,,, and here
} comes your Integral Joke Of the Day:
}
} Q. What did the croupier say to the punter?
} A,. "You can roulette any direction you choose, but I'm a natural,.
} Have you signed?"
}
} You owe the Oracle something that is relatively prime..

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 08 Oct 20 13:11:11 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1593-10

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

How do you figure?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Basically there are three kinds of ice skates, assuming you are not
} such an idiot as to try roller skates on ice. There are hockey skates,
} speed skates, and figure skates. Here is an inconvenient chart:
}
} Hockey skates
} - Slightly curved blade, so that the center touches before the ends.
} - Designed for sharp turns and fast stops. Very athletic.
} - Worn by all Canadians and most Russians.
}
} Speed skates
} - Flat blade, very long.
} - Intended for utmost speed.
} - Sometimes found at Lake Placid, NY.
}
} Figure skates
} - Flat blade with little gripping teeth at the front end.
} - Good for dancing on ice.
} - Hockey-skate people who try them get a nasty surprise, falling face
} first.
}
} The Oracle, preferring to retain his nose intact, uses hockey skates
} and not figure skates. So no, I do not figure.

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1593 ******************************************

--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)