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Date: Thu, 03 Sep 20 20:58:39 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1592

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1592
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1587 14 votes 03542 43511 06440 11822 23531 11822 15251 14450 02561 23441
1587 3.0 mean 3.4 2.4 2.9 3.2 2.9 3.2 3.0 2.9 3.4 2.9

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Sep 20 20:58:41 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1592-01

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Was it when you said "irrelevant" that you meant "irreverent" or was it
the other way around? And why should anyone be bothered or concerned
about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I didn't say either. I said "elephant" and "reverend". The joke should
} now make sense when you take the penguin into account.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ordained pachyderm.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Sep 20 20:58:42 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1592-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

"Hold on a second," you said.

I held. The seconds flew by. Then the minutes.

It's now been four days and I am still holding.

When can I let go? What will happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear o dear supplicant, can't you see the contradiction in your own
} post. You can't both hold onto a second AND have that same second fly
} by.
}
} Clearly this was beyond you. You have to start small, and build up. A
} year is much easier to hold onto, so practice with them.
}
} If you look closely as a year slowly moves past you, you'll see some
} flanges on the edge. If you grab onto both of those with a solid grip,
} you should be able to hold on. If it's still difficult then grab onto
} the top edge of the year with your teeth.
}
} Just don't try that with a leap year. It'll smash your jaw into a
} million pieces.
}
} You can repay The Oracle by coming back and telling me when you think
} you're ready to hold on to a minute. Bring grappling hooks.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Sep 20 20:58:43 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1592-03

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

You sent me an answer containing both rabbits and rabbis. Fortunately
your answer was not in French, which would have been worse. French is
not even a language, but instead a method to avoid bathing, as one can plainly see, right here: <<Baigner? Pourquoi devrais-je me baigner? Je
suis franc,ais.>>

Please explain something. Anything. Anything that will help me stop
thinking about unwashed people.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} S'il tu veut, vais expliquer
} Comme je peut fait-las any day
} Son lapin, oui, quotidienne
} N'est pas le choix meridienne
}
} En anglais, je m'explique: two secs
} I jus need now to flex my pecs:
} Ok' we're off, as rabbits go
} Right handed round at Walthamstow
}
} Son lapin, il fault brace, compris?
} And then you have no need of me.
} Un blackberry jus, souri, on dit
} Est bon a lapin: tu compris,
}
} You owe the Oracle just desserts on the house.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Sep 20 20:58:44 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1592-04

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My teacher says the moon revolves on its axe. Our pastor says there is
a brand new moon every month an it is not the same as the old one but
it just sails acrost the sky and dosen't revolve.

How can I know who is wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like many things in life, there is a simple explanation.
}
} You've encountered several adherents of the little-known Flat Moon
} Theory (FMT). This is the theory that pretty much everything in the
} solar system is round - sun, planets, other moons, potatoes. Except
} for our moon, which is flat.
}
} Like the other well known flat celestial body theory, this requires
} quite some mental gymnastics to make simple observations fit the
} theory. Rather like trying to fit the entire cast, including extras,
} of Ben Hur on a single Twister mat. In costume.
}
} First, the phases of the moon. In conventional physics, this is
} explained by a spherical moon being at different angles to the sun and
} therefore only part of the moon being illuminated. In FMT, this is
} explained by a man whose job is to paint the moon silver. However,
} dust and other matter acquired by the moon as he busily moves from one
} side to the other eventually causes the nice shiny silver-painted moon
} to return to a dark colour. Whereupon he has to start all over again.
}
} There is also the matter of craters on the moon. According to
} conventional physics, these are the result of impacts from asteroids
} attracted by the moon's gravity. According to FMT, the moon depicts
} the face of the man in the moon, or should we say acne-suffering
} teenager in the moon. FMT adherents claim that they have taken
} photographs of puss seeping from craters, using Nikon P900 cameras
} with lenses that have never been cleaned. And you do NOT want to know
} what they had been doing with their fingers before they touched the
} lens.
}
} What prompted FMT was the observation that we always see only one side
} of the moon. Flat Moon Theory believers such as your teacher and
} pastor believe that only a flat moon could possibly show only one face
} to the earth all the time. They dismiss the conventional physics
} explanation of tidal locking as 'laughable' and in fact just saying
} 'tidal locking' will reduce FMT conferences to hilarity. They feel
} that laughter obviates the need for evidence, analysis, and
} references, and claim that science would progress faster by listing
} alternative hypotheses and discounting all of those that elicit
} giggles. In an attempt to demonstrate this comedy science method, they
} have used it to establish that inserting rusty nails into the urethra
} will be an effective vaccine for covid-19, as not a single person
} shown that hypothesis laughed.
}
} FMT proponents claim that the dark side of the moon is actually a
} green and pleasant place, always fully lit with warm sun even when the
} sun is not shining on it. Claiming that Doris Wishman's 1961 film
} 'Nude on the Moon' is an actual documentary by NASA that was called
} fiction to discredit it after it accidentally leaked. They're working
} on an explanation of how the dark side of the moon is lit when the sun
} is blocked, which at present is the single word: 'perspective'.
}
} FMT adherents claim that there has been a conspiracy among scientists
} to deny the clear reality of the moon's flatness, and that all school
} textbooks should be re-written to 'teach the controversy'. In this
} they are joined by creationists, believers that ears are alien
} creatures living in symbiosis with humans, those who claim that water
} is a myth, and rabbits who propose that all school biology textbooks
} should have at least one (preferably more) chapter dedicated to grass.
}
} There are those who claim that the growth in belief in Flat Moon
} Theory and other fringe ideas points to a failure in our educational
} systems and a growing opposition to 'experts'. Those people are right,
} but for some reason these days being right and being able to back up
} your claims with facts, evidence, and research is becoming something
} that we're supposed to be embarrassed about.
}
} You owe The Oracle fifteen billion litres of silver paint and seven
} billion litres of anti-acne cream. And, someone to do some odd jobs
} around the temple while Zadoc is otherwise occupied for a few million
} years.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Sep 20 20:58:45 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1592-05

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Congratulations (not congraduations) on your correct spelling of
"minuscule" where you resisted "miniscule" most admirably.

Now to look at the other side of the flapjack, please give me a full
list of words nobody ever gets right.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, we could talk about words where people rarely get the spelling
} right. Or, we could talk about words where people never get the
} meaning right. Here's a top 10 list.
}
} 10. 'Indispensable'. Believe it or not, it's more important for you
} that your heart and lungs function than you have the latest model of a
} mobile phone that costs more than a small house.
}
} 9. 'Patriot'. Somehow loving your country seems to have become divorced
} from actually loving the people in it, or having any inclination to
} preserve democracy.
}
} 8. 'Grovel'. It appears to be completely missing from your post. But
} even when they are present they are woefully inadequate. Saying that
} you'd be happy for me to do your taxes for you is NOT grovelling.
}
} 7. 'Bigly'. That word never existed before, and a certain president is
} STILL getting its meaning completely wrong.
}
} 6. 'Logical'. I blame Supertramp.
}
} 5. 'Economical'. Yes, that new Chevvy does 4.8 miles per gallon while
} the previous model only did 4.6. But, if you want to save the planet,
} you're going to have to do a LOT better than that.
}
} 4. 'Research'. Watching three hours of David Icke videos is NOT
} research. It's not even collection of information, or checking
} something up. It's the information equivalent of putting your head in
} a pail of three week old pig droppings and shaking it around a bit.
}
} 3. 'Classic'. No song written by a team of fifteen people on four
} continents and featuring a vocal by someone who came fifth in a
} television talent show, and autotuned more extensively than NASA
} studies images from the surface of Pluto is a classic.
}
} 2.'Literally'. It means 'literally'. If you say that you were
} literally in pieces, then I expect to see chunks of flesh and blood
} all over the floor, or you're full of sh*t. Literally.
}
} 1. 'Gorgeous'. It's lucky for plastic surgeons that this word has slid
} in meaning considerably over the years. Or, they'd actually have to
} learn to do their job properly.
}
} You owe The Oracle a dictionary. And, it had better be a book full of
} words and their definitions. Not something else entirely that people
} have started calling a dictionary.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Sep 20 20:58:46 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1592-06

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

In my prevoius question that was "two more" and not tumor. Sorry.

Now my Great-Uncle Louis (and he says that's Lewis not Loooie) wants
to know if you remember Alice Benbolt. (I never heard of her.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course you've never heard of her. People talk about the great spies
} of history, but if you've heard of a Mata Hari or a Kim Philby, then
} they didn't do their job properly. Alice Benbolt would never ever be
} so sloppy.
}
} As soon as she had graduated from college in 1948, she was immediately
} on the international espionage scene. Sent straight to Berlin, she
} went undercover as Fraulein Winklehoffer and became a secretary for a
} Russian general. It was said to be Benbolt who discovered that he wore
} two pairs of underwear, shuffling the inner pair to the outer pair
} each day, and reported this information back to her handlers in the
} United Kingdom who had a good laugh around the water cooler.
}
} After that stunning success, Benbolt was dispatched to China after the
} end of the revolution, and soon found a job as a gardener to Mao Tse
} Tung. Among the vital pieces of information discovered by Benbolt and
} sent to the west by passenger stork were Mao's continued troubles with
} hair growing out of his ears, and his regular use of wax before
} appearances before his people.
}
} After a short spell in Iran in 1953 where she discovered and detailed
} the methods by which Mohammed Mossadeq folded down the corners of his
} books - instrumental in Operation Ajax whereby Mossadeq was deposed
} and the Qajar dynasty restored - Benbolt was rotated to Algeria.
} Disguising herself as a plumber - aided by her impressive ability to
} grow a moustache and speak in cod-Italian - she dispatched hundreds of
} updates on the toilet habits of Ferhat Abbas.
}
} I could bore you with her five decades of espionage work, revealing
} which world leaders or other political/military actors refused to have
} salt on their food, who had a nervous habit of scratching their noses
} with a paper clip, who else had an allergy to bananas, and who knitted
} but only using purple yarn. But, I have great respect for Ms Benbolt,
} and don't want to give away all of her secrets.
}
} You owe The Oracle some inside information about the government
} contract your brother-in-law is involved in. If he continues to insist
} it's just a new design for anti-allergenic rubber duckies, keep
} digging.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Sep 20 20:58:47 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1592-07

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I was born in the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago, in the Caribbean.
How can I get people to stop correcting Tobago to Tabasco? It seems as
if my entire life is being eaten up in that one small but dreadfully repetitive task. Occasionally people also ask me about the steel drums,
but that's a minor problem, even when they joke about "steal drums" and
try to take mine.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, supplicant, I think you misunderstand the situation. Yes, you
} belong to the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago. But, the island of
} Tabasco is real, and yes, the people there lay claim to Trinidad as
} well. And so call themselves the republic of Trinidad and Tabasco.
}
} Not only that, but they also claim that all of the following belong to
} them.
}
} 1. All the fossil fuel wealth of your nation.
} 2. They claim intellectual property rights for the recipe of Pelau.
} 3. Nicki Minaj
} 4. All copyrights on the recorded work of Attila the Hun. Fortunately
} they aren't aware that your one was a Calypso singer, and they're
} currently in dispute with Mongolia
} 5. After reading the gossip columns, they've decided that they don't
} want Nicki Minaj any more, and will have Black Stalin instead
} 6. All the coconut palms from Maracas Bay.
} 7. US$27.52 from your treasury.
} 8. All the houses in Pepper Sauce Land, Endeavour, Chaguanas. If you
} wanted to keep them, you shouldn't have called the road that.
}
} But, no need to worry. The island of Tabasco is just off the coast of
} Greenland. They might have had more luck claiming that, but who wants
} a huge expanse of climate-melting ice when you could have a Caribbean
} paradise.
}
} You owe The Oracle Sugarloaf Rock. I'm sure Martinique can spare it.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Sep 20 20:58:48 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1592-08

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I wanted to ask you if I was gong to be alright but the spell check got
a head of me and wrote airtight instead.

You made some very silly remarks about bing airtight.

Butt am I going to be allright? Spell check hate's me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the problem with a "spell check" is that it doesn't really check
} spells, does it, unless you happen to be a witch or wizard with a
} particular recipe. So I suggest you should call it a "spelling check".
}
} Now the spell check got a head of you? How many heads do you have?
} Because decapitation can be, you know, not very pleasant, but taking
} Occam's Razor I'm assuming that you still actually have your jugulars
} in a jug.
}
} Now, one of the bizarre things about your general circulation is that
} oxygen inflow directly is poisonous, this is why your lungs whack it
} through your pulmonary veins and absorb it with haemoglobin where it
} can then be taken up, preferably in my case with a dram of single malt.
}
} I'll assume that your misplaced apos is because of the terrible
} spelling checker, but really all you need is a copy of Fowler's Modern
} English Usage, preferably in the revised edition by Ernest Gowers. You
} can then use it to hit your keyboard and is also useful for keeping the
} insects down.
}
} You owe the Oracle a split infinitive.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Sep 20 20:58:49 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1592-09

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oh Oracle, most Pilky, who likes his coffee milky, who knows a banjo,
from a kango

I went out this morning, you see, to do some glazing necessities, just
to get a fair shilling, as I am sure you understand. Now, for someone
who is perhaps uninterested in other's privacy, it's the perfect
employment for me.

I got up and down the various treaders and risers until I reached a
great height,, but then saw a pair of newlyweds, having a bit of - well
- you know. It's always a shock what I see through the old panes, when
I go about
my business with the duster.

Please advise: Next time should I not wake them up with my ukulele?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tip toads in their tulips.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Sep 20 20:58:50 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1592-10

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

A previous incarnation of yours claimed that the celebrated Tuna Bird
of Zarp did not exist. Please tell your incarnations not to be so
stupid. Also tell me more about Zarp in general, and about the nesting
habits of the Tuna Bird in particular.

Oh, and I almost forgot to grovel. Consider it done.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Tuna Bird is recorded in Fegg's Ornithological Companion as having
} a roughly a twelve-foot wide wingspan (that is four metres in new
} money). As a seabird, it tends to nest in the nooks and crannies of
} outdated incarnations, but is also known to inhabit the roofs (or
} rooves) of uninhabited buildings.
}
} Zarp the German birdwatcher first noted its mating habits in the 1758
} edition of Fegg, but did not describe in detail its plumage. Later
} editions of (q.v. Zarp 1812 for example) note that the female is
} "Somewhat magnolia, with a hint of beige", whereas the male Zarp's Tuna
} Bird - the zoological specimen being in the Natural History Museum in
} Kensington, just behind the hatrack - as is often found in many birds
} if far more highly coloured.
}
} Zarp's Tuna Bird, in the female, has a call somewhat similar to that of
} a woman who has just had her foot trodden on by her husband, but the
} male's is much softer and less melodious, hence the common nickname of
} "zarp's piano tuna".
}
} The nesting habits of Zarps are generally from April to June, and they
} usually lay Kinder Eggs, but tend to ovoid chocolate. Nestlings will
} hatch within a few days to search, fairly obviously, for tins of tuna,
} but their poor little beaks can't get the things open so the mummy and
} daddy will feed them on sardines until they fledge.
}
} Zarp's illustrations - beautifully inked - can be found also in the
} Amsterdam Museum of Fine Lines, but only in bright sunlight.
}
} You owe the Oracle two hoots.

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1592 ******************************************

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