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Date: Sun, 16 Aug 20 21:08:02 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1591

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1591
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1586 15 votes 03534 34611 12480 07341 10752 11544 17520 12741 12174 03462
1586 3.2 mean 3.5 2.5 3.3 2.9 3.5 3.6 2.5 3.1 3.7 3.5

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 20 21:08:04 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1591-01

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Albatross? Where did I get this albatross?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the old mysterious albatross in the mail scam. It works like this.
}
} First, you receive an albatross in the mail. You'll notice that the
} box has a Nigerian postmark, and no actual return address.
}
} Then, usually within a week, you'll receive an email. The sender will
} say that they sent you an albatross in the mail, but only intended to
} send you a pigeon. They'll ask you to send the balance back to them,
} with the difference between an albatross and a pigeon according to
} valuemybird.com being two pheasants and a hedge sparrow. You, being an
} honest and upstanding citizen, as well as being more naive than a
} stale bowl of custard, send them the pheasants and hedge sparrow by
} return mail.
}
} Sometime after this, you'll notice that the albatross hasn't moved. If
} you follow the same path as many unfortunate people before you, you'll
} gingerly investigate the albatross (having previously been too scared
} to go within range of that meaty pinkish beak, and look closer. Yes,
} it'll be a fake albatross, typically made of a variety of unused items
} such as dandelion fluff and skillfully carved asbestos.
}
} So, you then realise that you have received a valueless (and
} potentially toxic) fake bird, and in response you have sent the
} scammer two real pheasants and a hedge sparrow. You see how it works?
}
} You owe The Oracle nothing. In fact I'll give you something from
} myself. Just sign into www.paypal_actually_not_and_dodgy_as_hell.com
} with your details and you'll find I've sent you a cool $1000 to do
} with as you please.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 20 21:08:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1591-02

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Another dream, but I don't expect an explanation this time. Writing on
the wall. MANY MANY TICKLE ORACLE. But one man's Mede is another man's Persian. I am wrong, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The mural graffiti
} my supplicant sweetie,
} Is Yiddish, not Greek
} Wrong wall do you seek
}
} When golden rain falls
} You will find in the stalls
} of the public urinal
} Your verdict and final.
}
} -ly there it is writ
} Midst the grout and the grit
} The answer you seek
} Either now or next week.
}
} Now mead, by the bee
} Made's of honey, you see?
} Its sweetness you strive
} To obtain from its hive
}
} But the sting's in the tale
} So henceforth shall you wail
} From henceforth till next week
} Blessed ONLY the meek.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cap in hand

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 20 21:08:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1591-03

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What an argument. I mean agreement. You could not do better. My
sediments exactly.

What's at the bottom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In matters vinicultural, you'll find towards the base
} Of barrels, bottles, jars et al a thin film: it's the case
} That this is a bacterium that common folk called "yeast"
} And fermentation then occurs - of that you know, at least?
}
} The yeast absorbs the sugars and excretes an ethanol
} It does the yeast some harm - it dies of pois'nous alcohol
} The Volstead Act did never say the yeast should cease production
} But at over twenty weight by vol the poor dears cease to function
}
} They thence descend into the base to die and carbonating
} It adds the fizzness to the brew, a day or two, it is exasperating
} The yeasts can do more- they're dead, with nothing left to do
} But invite some others, lambic strains, to add to the top brew
}
} Those are the laws, despite your depravity
} Of specific and original gravity.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 20 21:08:07 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1591-04

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Remember about 1985 or something like that when you received an
anonymous and really stupid question from someone claiming to be
Clembert X. Poochnozzle, or some other silly name that could have been
even worse? And you thought that I was the perpetrator?

Well, I have an excuse. I didn't to it. I was forced at gnupoint by
evil people who looked sort of like your assistant Zadoc over there,
except they had clean hands.

Anyway, that's so old and it's all milk under the damn by now.

Speaking of old things, what's the best way to return to those
thrilling and ancient days of the IBM 7094, the 1403, the 1620, and
the 650? Back when men were antelopes and cowboys were programmers, slaughtering bugs for fun and profit. Also the Royal McBee LGP-30.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle entirely disdains your spurious remarks about longevity. The
} Oracle remembers, back in the eighties, when Lisa was a mere gymslip
} and now she has blossomed into a handsome and full bodied (if somewhat
} menopausal) well let's not get into that, where was I. Excuse me in my
} infinite age but sometimes I forget where I put my bifocals.
}
} Right, let's get to it. On the old 7094 it was impossible to have clean
} hands as Zadoc (who is peculiar by his absence whenever these matters
} arise) had to punch the keys in what IBM described at page 22
} "Reasonable force" but Z understood that as "Hit it and hope".. in my
} oracular duties as the hypervisor n VM/360 I did occasionally send to
} terminal 44.123 in EBCDIC, that is translated, "Keep your greasy
} maulers off it". This is the basic instruction of any system admin,
} please do not touch the machines.
}
} So the ill-tempered klaviers tended to get fingerprints from people wo
} would disobey that instruction, and I would then take further steps to
} ensure they had absolutely no chance of ever using a computer ever
} again. You ask my Fred Brooks, that was a time when cowboys ate goulash
} and women were nonexistent, at least not near my computers, thank you
} very much. I did have a few small boys but you can't prove that in
} court.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Octal numbers 0 to 7, and an explanation of APL
} in, in APL.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 20 21:08:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1591-05

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I wrote poem that had this line:

"I will never again, not ever, be the person I was before."

Then I paid money for a publisher to put it in a book of poetry I
write, well most of it, but some of it I took from other poems like "I
think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree." But allot
of it was partly mine.

The typesetter got the line wrong, and my poetry book says:::

"I will never again, not ever, be the prison I was before."

Yes, prison, not person.

What should I do? I feel like writing a poem about dead typesetters.
Or is the new line somewhat more better and poetical?

Please tell me how to write poems that don't get ruined.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your publisher's blll thus does l fall
} She patently set out her stall
} That your allusion to O.'s nashery
} Was rather trashery.
}
} The sum, thus assigned, your allot.
} ment of fees hs lady, Shall not
} You darest complain
} Of her her rhythmic strain
} When deducting commission: cannot
}
} Misprision, you claim but then hence:
} You've committed the larger offence
} Thus denied by estoppel
} To anything properl-
} .y spelled, You've no legel de-fence.
}
} You owe the Oracle six cans of macaronic cheesiness.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 20 21:08:09 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1591-06

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

WHat can we do in these tomes of postkinzlerization?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Abandoned by Kinzler in a sub-basement of the Mathematics Building at
} Indiana University, I have continued to produce far more written
} material than was necessary to produce even a single worthwhile volume.
} The major difficulty has been the extremely low quality of my
} supplicants and their supplications.
}
} You owe the Oracle a major campaign to seek out, capture and enslave a
} new crew of faithful supplicants.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 20 21:08:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1591-07

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I just learned that sundials and presumably clocks run backwards in the southern hemisphere. Please explain why without making either of us
seem more stupid than we actually are.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In matters hemispherical
} The shadow is ephemeral
} the gnomon points equator
} ANd that is what's your stator
}
} Now southern, you get wins
} If it winds thus widdershins
} Whereas northern goes right-handed
} ANd the time's where shadow's landed
}
} An Aussie timekeeper
} Thus is a creeper
} From R to L
} that should give you no hell
}
} In matters solar
} You must be bipolar.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pint of Victoria Bitter.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 20 21:08:11 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1591-08

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Que se qui ce passe la bas? Un million de Francais veulent savoir.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} aJe peut compris, la Queston-La
} La bas c'est trouble, essayi-moi
} En haut tu fait, c'est ton position
} C'est-ca l'Oracle exposition
}
} Tu veut rends au L'Oracle the Paris Metro Line 14, avec les dunlops.

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Date: Sun, 16 Aug 20 21:08:12 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1591-09

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I need to become famous. What should I do? Asking you extra questions
does not seem to help at all.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 2020 TOP FIVE VIRAL YOUTUBE CLIPS!
}
} 1) Supplicant getting chased by a neanderthal wielding spiky club.
} 2) Supplicant getting used as pinjata by the same neanderthal.
} 3) Supplicant falling into a pit of rabid rodents.
} 4) Supplicant getting rodent bites cleaned with industrial strength
} moonshine.
} 5) Supplicant getting thrown back into pit after failing to pay the
} Oracle.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Aug 20 21:08:13 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1591-10

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Dear Oracle, on first-named terms with the muse terpsichoral, and I'm
told you scored in a manner historical, may I please ask:

I had the old MTV on, and was watching Billy Joel singing "in the
middle of the night". All very upbeat, but at no time does he actually indicate when "the middle of the night" is. I've got trains to run, and
my timetable starts at 0000 and ends at 2400, but nowhere on it is
marked night or day, so I am a bit bemused as to exactly when "the
middle of" the night should be. Taking a strictly geodesical stance, it should be a 3am, this is why "nones" (nines, "noon") is at 3pm. i.e.
nine hours after sunrise. But you knew that. My moondial suggests that
the "middle of" the night would be about 2.17am but I havent adjusted
from my local longitude to mean time.

So, when exactly IS the middle of the night: Cos I want to go walking
in my sleep etc. and have no fear of reprisals when the local bobby
asks me what I am up to, I shall spring the Joel Defence.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear. This is somewhat of a perplexitude. I am currently visiting
} Mars (the planet, not the Roman god) so you'll need to read up (or
} down) on planetary alignment to understand the true meaning of Noon on
} Mars, which you should not confuse with Death in Venice, by Thomas
} Mann, a book that if you have not read, you should not bother. If you
} have read it you should go back in history and convince Mann not to
} bother writing it. Spare a lot of people unnecessary discomfort.
}
} Sorry about that suggestion. I should not have mentioned it. Time
} travel is difficult for me, and three times harder for you. Forget I
} mentioned Thomas Mann. Go and visit my friend Douglas who lives on the
} Isle of Man. Visitors think that he runs the place, but he does not.
} The Lord of Man is in charge there, but she does not visit often.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better method to keep his extensive mind from
} wandering onto unrelated topics when answering questions. You also
} should at least be pleased that this answer does not contain attempts
} at poetry.
}
} Roses are red, violets are blue. You think this will rhyme, but it
} won't.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1591 ******************************************

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