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Date: Thu, 15 Oct 15 13:37:27 -0500
From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1557

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1557
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1552 20 votes 26840 12764 02666 0127a 44453 05573 33860 04790 26624 35525
1552 3.3 mean 2.7 3.5 3.8 4.3 3.0 3.4 2.9 3.2 3.0 3.0

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 15 Oct 15 13:37:28 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1557-01

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I've been sober now for three weeks. One more and I'll win the bet.
Then I can resume drinking.

What should I have? Scotch, vodka, or Guiness?

(You owe the Supplicant that you won't forget to pay on that bet.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you think I'm in the habit of making bets I can't "win"? (And with
} some bets my "loss" is really a win.) Our bet was that you would HAVE
} NO ALCOHOL, as you may recall (you do). You thought you were being
} clever when you clarified the bet to allow drinking of other stuff. You
} failed (but I didn't) to consider all of the alcohol you drink without
} thinking about it. Today alone you:
}
} - The OJ with your breakfast today was 0.2% ABV.
} - The carrot cake with lunch used 41% ABV vanilla extract in the
} icing.
} - The three pieces of "sugar free" candy you ate during your three
} passes by the reception desk is sweetened with sorbitol, which if
} you remember your chemistry (you don't, but I do), gives away its
} true nature with that -itol suffix.
}
} So I think rather than how I pay off my debt, I think we should be
} discussing how you pay yours. But don't worry, I've already taken the
} liberty of ordering that manatee costume. I think (okay, know) it will
} be a little tight on you, but nothing a little Crisco can't solve.
}
} You are (okay, I am) going to have so much fun.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 15 Oct 15 13:37:29 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1557-02

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Parody?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 7 bits.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 15 Oct 15 13:37:30 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1557-03

Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Is he a President Of States?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes he is, specifically the States of Insanity, Confusion, Undress,
} Shock and Emergency.
}
} He's running for President of Inanimation, but he's had no movement
} thus far in his poll numbers.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 15 Oct 15 13:37:31 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1557-04

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I was told to "raze the bar", if I'm not mistaken. Well, the bar
is razed to the ground, and no-one will get drunk in that bar
anymore. I hope that's what you wanted.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Precisely. Well, almost precisely.
}
} You DID save all the booze, didn't you?
}
} Look, you can't possibly drink it all before it goes bad. You owe the
} Oracle all that booze except for what you drank this morning. Gaak
} you smell like alcohol. Don't light up a cigarette or you'll explode.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 15 Oct 15 13:37:32 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1557-05

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Help! I've forgotten all about the Alamo, the Titans, and Lot's wife!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I remember her, a pillar of her community. Not quite the way you've
} heard, though. A pillar of fire by day, yes, but a pillar of salt by
} night. NOT kosher.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 15 Oct 15 13:37:34 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1557-06

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Tellme all about "Manslaughter She Wrote", the hit show.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Starring Demona Seaberry, set in Heart's Location, New Hampster, a
} town so small that nobody lives there, every week tugs at suspension
} and disbelief.
}
} But somebody dies there, each and every week, mostly by falling off a
} mountain or drinking seawater. Demona is hopelessly inept, and never
} solves the mystery of "Who died this time?" before the show ends.
}
} Although set in Heart's Location (named after the real location
} located in Hart's Location, New Hampshire) it is filmed in
} Manchester-by-the-Sea, Massachusetts, a town that simply oozes "quaint"
} and Manchester-by-the-Smell, New Hampshire, a city that simply oozes.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 15 Oct 15 13:37:35 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1557-07

Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Microstannic Oracle, I have a tin ear and write poetry that is nearly
half as bad as William McGonagall's. I would like to be known as a
good poet, rather than (to quote a recent review) "Gives a good
challenge to Vogons everywhere and even slightly to William
McGonagall."

Please write me some good poetry that I can claim as my own.

In return I'll write a poem about you. Here it is.

The Oracle Fine is comparable
To overcoats that are wearable
On a hot summer day when you don't
Need any sort of overcoat.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} STOCKHOLM(Reuters)
}
} Riots ensued in Sweden's capital city, Stockholm, tonight after the
} most scandalous Nobel price ceremony ever. When the recipient of this
} years Literature price, Mr Supplicant, was to hold his acceptance
} speech, it became evident that he was completely unable to form a
} single comprehensible sentence. After a lengthy and embarrassing
} Q/A-session, Mr Supplicant was forced to admit that his award winning
} poetry was not the works of himself, but that of a mystical Internet
} entity, known only as The Oracle.
}
} The lynching mob chased Supplicant all over town, before force feeding
} him with a bucket of the Swedish national dish 'Surstromming',
} followed by two helpings of herring cream cake for dessert, all
} accompanied by half a liter of castoreum moonshine.
}
} In a comment to local newspapers Mr Supplicant simply says
} 'BLUERGHHHHH!!!!!!'.
}
} Mr Supplicant was supposed to visit the neighbouring country of Norway
} the next weeks, but after rumours that the audiences where stacking up
} on lutefisk and smalahovud, the tour was canceled.
}
} A spokesman for The Oracle says that The Oracle is terribly
} disappointed of Mr Supplicant's betrayal, and wishes that the price
} money should be transferred to The Oracle's favourite charity,
} 'Deities for the Unethical Treatment of Rodents'.
}
} The Nobel Price committee has issued a statement where they apologize
} to The Oracle, and promising to comply with The Oracles demands.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 15 Oct 15 13:37:36 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1557-08

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I know, I know, you're omniscient and I'm not. But still, how is it MY
fault that "mustard" and "mouse turd" seem so much alike?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So maybe it wasn't your fault, but it was the best episode of
} Masterchef ever!

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 15 Oct 15 13:37:37 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1557-09

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

How come no one ever dies in this movie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it's a documentary about manufacturing crayons.
} What kind of sicko are you?

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 15 Oct 15 13:37:38 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1557-10

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I have just discovered that there is a horrid problem with the rising
of the sea level. I think it is going to go up by 24 feet here in New
York, which means it will have to go down by 24 feet in Paris. (In
case you are in Paris that will be in meters, which is rougely five, I
think, maybe. Or perhaps 15. These things are hard to comprehend.)

Please tell me how to know the exact sea level, especially because I
think that will mean we have to make the moon hold still while we
measure it. And the waves to stop slurping. And in Paris, too.

While you are busy thinking about it, also tell me how to convert
distances from French into Farenheight.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I give this question about a C-level.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1557 ******************************************

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