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Date: Thu, 23 Jul 20 08:03:13 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1590

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1590
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1585 12 votes 21621 00561 00174 11163 01173 03432 01344 02334 00453 01461
1585 3.7 mean 2.9 3.7 4.2 3.8 4.0 3.3 3.9 3.8 3.9 3.6

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Jul 20 08:03:15 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1590-01

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Gotta do a report of "The Planes of Abraham." So I was gonna write
about "The Pilots of The Planes of Abraham." But Google (stupidly my
first choice, shoulda asked you first) can't find anything about them.

Please fill me up with appropriate information. Or misinformation as
long as it looks good.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Around 1759 (just before the 6 o'clock news), the French and the
} American Indians decided that they needed to have a brief war to
} decide which of them hated the British more. Canada, never known for
} being impolite, allowed them to have the battle in their property, so
} that they wouldn't mess up their own countries.
}
} The Planes of Abraham were chosen for this as Abraham Martin was known
} for piloting rivers in the area, and had famously diverted the Saint
} Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen River in to do a spot of cleaning.
} Llewelyn-Bowen is best known for his motto, "If an entire river won't
} shift a blood-stain, then why did Lady Macbeth go on and on about
} scrubbing her hands clean with a halibut?"
}
} There has been some historical confusion about whether the area was
} called "Planes" or "Plains" but remember that in 1750, the Right-On
} Brothers had created the first aqua-plane (or, in French, 'plat-eau')
} and flew it off the nearby Heights of Martin (5 foot, 10 inches, in
} high-heels).
}
} Just as the French and Indians were starting their battle, the British
} turned up (if there's a war on, the British are always there first,
} preemptively picking up the nearest archeological artifacts to protect
} them from the foreigners whose only claim to them is that their
} ancestors only put them down 10 minutes ago). The British had only
} just incorporated Scotland into their ranks, so were spoiling for a
} fight more than usual. (Where, 'spoiling for a fight' means that they
} would spoil a fight by not keeping with the traditional sense of
} English fair-play in letting the other side think they're about to win
} before obliterating them with a particularly sharp nuclear weapon.)
}
} Anyway, the British had brought a herd of musk-rats with them and
} these had been trained to attack the French. (Not difficult, the
} French have a peculiar musky odour to which musk-rats are attracted.)
} The battle was over in 30 minutes, although everyone then spent the
} next 7 years fighting over who had actually won.
}
} In the centuries following the battle, plaques were put up all over
} the area, making much work for the local dentists. A series of stamps
} was also commissioned, in honour of the number of times General Wolfe
} had to put his foot down.
}
} I hope that helps with your report. If there are any errors, please
} refer them to the Society for Historical Inaccuracies and Things.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Who's afraid of General Wolfe", by Minor

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Jul 20 08:03:16 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1590-02

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why is it that almost everything in any universe can be explained by a one-liner from "Rocky and Bullwinkle" or by the Coyote's version of
physics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now here's something I hope you'll really like:
}
} SHERMAN: What year are we going to today, Mr. Peabody?
}
} PEABODY: We're going to the Congressional hearings on children's
} television programming in 1952.
}
} SHERMAN: Okay, here we go!
}
} <<ZOOM!>>
}
} PEABODY: Here we see congress writing a bill that will require all
} children's programming to have at least 6 bits of educational
} information per half hour show.
}
} SHERMAN: Won't that make cartoons boring?
}
} PEABODY: Not really. Besides, if it weren't for that law we wouldn't
} exist.
}
} [CHUGGITY-CHUGGITY-CHUG!]
}
} PEABODY: Oh, no! The Wayback machine is running out of nuclear fuel. We
} have to go to Three Mile Island 1978, where a shipment of uranium is
} coming in.
}
} <<ZOOM>>
}
} PEABODY: Here we are inside the truck
}
} <SWOOSH!>
}
} BRIAN: Who are you two?
}
} STEWIE: What the deuce?
}
} <BUUUUUZZ!>
}
} MR. TWEEDLEY: Stewie, this program goes into the homes. We don't want
} to be a bad influence on children. Please rephrase your last statement.
}
} STEWIE: Thank you Mr. Tweedley.
} STEWIE: What in the world?
}
} MR. TWEEDLEY: Very nice.
}
} BRIAN: It looks like we're all here for the same thing. Let's just get
} the fuel and get out
}
} PEABODY: Good idea. We need to foray into Jay Ward productions to show
} the supplicant what is going on.
}
} <<ZOOM>>
}
} PEABODY: See these scripts? Every red mark was made by someone the
} likes of Mr. Tweedley. Bullwinkle has the tendency to oversimplify so
} the kids can learn new words. William Conrad announces that Bullwinkle
} will become buoyant, then Bullwinkle chimes in, "And I can float,
} too!". See what I mean?
}
} SHERMAN: Gee, Mr. Peabody, I never knew you could learn so much from
} cartoons.
}
} PEABODY: And all thanks to Congress.
}
} SHERMAN: But how did they get that bill to pass?
}
} PEABODY: That's another cartoon franchise all together. You can watch
} the video on YouTube.
}
} You owe the Oracle
}
} URANIUM PELLETS
}
} -OR-
}
} FISSION CHIPS

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Jul 20 08:03:17 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1590-03

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

We are off into RC Fantasyland again. We got home from the Church
service, and ...

... hold on, wait a minute. First some background.

My wife went shopping for some groceries. Inadvertently, perhaps with
your unrehearsed help, I had written "paper towels" incorrectly, and
the grocery list instead showed "papal towers."

Now, in our back yard, right there next to the maple tree, is a papal
tower. The Pope himself is in it, but what's this? He's speaking
Latin. As if there was never a Vatican II Conclave getting rid of the
Latin Mass. It sounds like he is holding his nose and chanting, "I can
play dominoes better than you can play dominoes."

Can it be? Isn't that Richard Cardinal Cushing? Didn't he die in 1970?
How did he ever get to be Pope?

What universe am I in, anyways?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're in a most un-Orthodox universe.
}
} In your universe, the Greek Orthodox Church won the Synod of Whitby
} and defined Easter to be the day after the first hellebore (Greek
} mining equipment) blooms. The lingua franca of the Church is therefore
} Greek.
}
} However (Laus Deo / Louse Dado) the Roman Church started roamin' away
} from Italy, and eventually followed the well-known invader and
} pear-enthusiast Christopher Columbus to the Disunited State of
} America. In order to maintain their distance from the Greeks, the
} Romans built a whole new continent called Mid-Atlantica to go between
} Europe (named after the Greek god Europa) and America (named after the
} spicy Roman/Yorkshire god T'Urmeric).
}
} Thus, the papal tower that your wife has found is evidence that the
} Latin church is still strong in these parts. Richard Cushing (not to
} be confused with Dick Cushion, husband of Ann Summers) is actually
} chanting, "Timeo Daneos" over and over, to demonstrate his opposition
} to the Greek Church.
}
} What you must not do, under any circumstances, is mention any Greek
} words to him at all. Democracy is not allowed, and neither is
} television, nor dinosaurs. Fortunately you live in the DSA so that
} won't be hard.
}
} You owe the Oracle a return to The One True Faith in the Sun (Solar
} Fide).

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Jul 20 08:03:18 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1590-04

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please tell me about the Unmentionable people. I think they live in a
far-off place, near where they also die.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (From Wikipedia: Unmentionistan)
}
} Unmentionistan is a small place hidden underneath Oman. O man is an
} island, entire of itself.
}
} The Unmentionistanis speak mostly in tongues. The daily diet is richer
} than that of Oman's, since Oman can live on bread alone.
}
} No Unmentionistanis have ever been known to die, so the question is
} moot.
}
} Travel to and from Unmentionistan is strictly optional.
}
} You owe the Oracle a one-way ticket.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Jul 20 08:03:19 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1590-05

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Some answer shop you run here. I ask questions, just about everything a supplicant could ask for, and you think up all the answers.

Then like an idiot which you of course aren't, you hand these questions
off to TRULY IDIOTIC AND LAZY incarnations for completion. Maybe Zadoc
or even a few of your disemboweled woodchucks could do a better job
than the whole raft of them! I mean, the questions arrive at the incarnations' doorsteps with the answer, in larval form, just waiting
to be attached to an electronic mail and sent forth. What's the
problem? Are your incarnations running CP/CMS on System 360 computers?
Or even worse, in batch, from punched cards? What is wrong over there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I feel your question is somewhat unfair to Zadoc and (dare I say it)
} the woodchucks, even in their disemboweled state. I append below some
} staff reviews of my more intelligent incarnations:
}
} Re Mr Alan Dishcloth (327 PigSty Lane, Londinium - 70 C.E.):
} One supplicant has stated that their Oracular response from Mr
} Dishcloth arrived 3 weeks late, covered in blood. Mr Dishcloth's
} excuse was that this was caused by an inauspicious nosebleed.
} Apparently he attached the response to his pet cat for safe delivery.
} The cat then tried to leave through the front door, not realising that
} it did not feature a cat-flap. It sustained a nosebleed over the
} letter and was confined to its bed for 18 days to recover. This would
} be more of a comment on the cat than Mr Dishcloth if it were not for
} the fact that the front door was not on its hinges at the time, and Mr
} Dishcloth was training the cat to run at the door in readiness for
} when Sir Isaac Newton would eventually get round to inventing the cat
} flap in 1687.
}
} Re Madame Pinthauser (Middle of the Road, Paris - 1794 C.E. - 180
} degrees through the French Revolution):
} Madame Pinthauser's responses frequently fail to arrive at all. The
} method of communication is via members of the French nobility. As
} Madame Pinthauser lives with Monsieur Guillotine, this can prove
} somewhat fatal to the carriers. To be fair to Madame Pinthauser, she
} usually remembers to ask them for the message, but this is usually
} shortly after their heads have been cut off.
}
} Re Dr Amadeus Fishbowl (FitzTurkey Strasse, Berlin - 1895 C.E.)
} Although responses sent via Dr Fishbowl arrive promptly, they are
} usually unintelligible. Upon enquiry, it turns out that Dr Fishbowl
} has invented his own language (Bowlees) into which he translates the
} messages (to avoid them falling into the wrong hands). The only
} surviving dictionary for Bowlees is in the lost luggage office at
} Beijing railway station, after Dr Fishbowl mistakenly picked up a
} pygmy hippopotamus instead of his overnight bag when returning to
} Berlin in 1891.
}
} Although matters have improved somewhat in recent years, many of my
} incarnations have somewhat dated computer systems, as you surmised,
} and the one forwarding this message is no exception. I believe that he
} is currently using IPv1, and will therefore forward the email to Tim
} Berners-Lee's home-computer, in the hope that Sir Timothy knows you
} personally.
}
} You owe the Oracle three thousand copies of the route-map of the
} entire Internet, drawn in wax-crayon.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Jul 20 08:03:20 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1590-06

Selected-By: Joe Banks <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Hit it, Romeo!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
} Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
} Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
} And I'll no longer be a Capulet."
}
} Some people think the "wherefore" means "where" as if Romeo were lost.
} Actually Juliet is complaining, and asking why can't Romeo be something
} other a Montague.
}
} Surely you know all that already, even though you are a lowly
} supplicant.
}
} You owe the Oracle some story from the West Side.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Jul 20 08:03:21 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1590-07

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I am creating the Ultimate Autocorrector for Spelling. Only one
task remains uncomplete. Which of these did my victim intend:
a. Naval Observatory Time
b. Navel Observatory Time
3. Nasal Observatory Time

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Surely, you mean which two did your victim NOT intend, then you must
} perm one of the two.
}
} To cover awl your basis, I suggest the following auto-coercions:
}
} a. Green Witches Meant I'm
} b. Omphaloskepsis
} c. Rhinomeridian
}
} You owe the Oracle the sorrows.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Jul 20 08:03:22 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1590-08

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Where are you with the Dunning-Kruger effect?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have the inverse, which is the Imposter Syndrome. I can't half
} believe how damn good I am, especially at Omniscience. I must be faking
} it, but I don't think I'll ever know for sure.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Jul 20 08:03:23 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1590-09

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What's the right way to pray?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some are predators and some are prey. Think of squirrels. Their evolved
} strategy for avoiding capture is to zig-zag when approached, so that
} the predator becomes confused. In recent times the major predator of
} the Urban Squirrel is not, as you might imagine, Tom Lehrer with his
} bag of poison peanuts for pigeons. Instead it is the automobile.
}
} The modern Darwinian squirrel does not zig-zag in the middle of the
} road. Instead he boldly dashes from the one side to the other.
}
} Thus your prayer should be done quickly and straightforwardly. Not in
} this leisurely style:
}
} "Hail Mary full of Grace,
} the Lord is with thee.
} Blessed are thou among women
} and blessed is the fruit of
} thy womb Jesus.
}
} Holy Mary Mother of God,
} pray for us sinners now
} and at the hour of our death.
} Amen."
}
} But like this:
}
} "HailMaryfullofGracetheLordiswiththeeBlessedarethouamongwomenandblessed
} isthefruitofthywombJesusHolyMaryMotherofGodprayforussinnersnowandatthe
} hourofourdeath."
} "Amen."

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Jul 20 08:03:24 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1590-10

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

So the weather forecast (NOT "forcats" like my buddy Hugh the Chronic Misspeller writes) is for winds from the south at 0 (zero) miles per
hour.

Two questions:

1. How can they know if it's from the south if it ain't moving?

2. Is zero mph really faster than zero kph (or km/h) like Hugh says?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know the wind is from the south if:
}
} It's waving a confederate flag.
} It owns a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't.
} It does not remove the Marlboro from its mouth before telling the
} state trooper to kiss its ass.
} Its boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
} It burns its yard rather than mow it.
} The Salvation Army declines its mattress.
} I was shooting pool when its kids were born.
} It keeps hitting deer with its car...deliberately.
} It gives out rat traps as gifts.
} Its coffee table used to be a cable spool.
} It keeps a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
} It has "ammo" on its Christmas list.
} it gets quantum rebates when buying flea-and-tick soap.
} It has everything broadcasted by Fox News on video tape.
} It picked its false teeth from a catalog.
} People hear its car a long time before they see it.
} It knows how many bales of hay your car will hold.
} Its family tree does not branch.
} Its brother-in-law is also its uncle.
} Its house doesn't have curtains but its truck does.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new collection.

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1590 ******************************************

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