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Date: Sat, 13 Jun 20 19:18:52 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1589

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1589
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1584 14 votes 14621 34520 24332 42233 32522 10445 11822 13640 22361 30533
1584 3.0 mean 2.9 2.4 2.9 2.9 2.9 3.9 3.2 2.9 3.1 3.2

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 13 Jun 20 19:18:53 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1589-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Don'tcha just hate those guessing games that continue long after the
guesser has lost?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, not really. My supplicants (including you) are terrible at reading
} my mind. I keep them going over and over again. Losers every one of
} them. Including you. The Germans have a word for taking delight in
} failures accomplished by others. They call it schadenfreude. Keeps ME
} happy.
}
} You owe the Oracle another failure. Yaaaay!!!

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 13 Jun 20 19:18:54 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1589-02

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Waarom kan ik geen orakels vinden die mijn vragen in de Nederlandse
taal kunnen beantwoorden?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Help, the Dutch are revolting! For some reason, the resident Dutch
} Oracle has gone missing and is no longer answering questions.
}
} Don't tell me, Hans is taking full advantage of the current injunction
} to "Stay home and wash your Hans".
}
} Well, clearly I need to find a replacement. Perhaps if I get Zadoc to
} dress in clogs, suspenders, and a flat cap he would somehow start
} speaking Dutch? Given the mental image I've just come up with,
} involving only those items of clothing, perhaps not.
}
} Actually, given that I've been speaking English since 3548 BC (Before
} Corona) and the Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, French, Germans, and even
} the Americans have managed to understand me perfectly, there's not
} much point in speaking Dutch, is there?
}
} You owe the Oracle the reason why:
} "Omdat we niet lijden aan een Meervroudigepersoonlijkheidsstoornissen."
} is a funny answer to your question.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 13 Jun 20 19:18:55 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1589-03

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Talk trash with me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc has again fallen behind in his duties.
}
} If you'll look in the unused dungeon beneath the fourth sub-basement,
} next to the server rooms, you'll find about 17 or maybe 1700 bags of
} trash. Take them all, one at a time so you don't injure your pride, to
} the rubbish tip site just over the edge of the tip-top high spot place
} slightly beyond Mt. Olympus.
}
} If you cannot get to Olympus, the next-best choice is the Florida
} "mountain" called Sugarloaf Mountain.
}
} Please be careful to check each bag for snoozing priests. Zadoc
} frequently take naps in them instead of taking out the trash.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 13 Jun 20 19:18:56 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1589-04

Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I am an M. She is an F. What are the trannies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle responds with oblique reference to old chemistry joke about cis
} versus trans isomers.
}
} Supplicant scratches head. Flakes hit the floor.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 13 Jun 20 19:18:57 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1589-05

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What's a vee see are?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Think of the recipe for haggis. (Reach down inside a sheep, turn it
} inside out, fill with porridge, and serve it up in a bagpipe bag.) For
} safety, use the plaid tartan with polka dots.
}
} Record your haggo-preparational actions on a video in 1991, which you
} sell for a lot of money. By 2002 you will be rich, and by 2008 you'll
} be broke again. Time for another haggis.
}
} You owe the Oracle a DVD containing "Street Gangs of Sula Sgeir in the
} Outer Hebrides."

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 13 Jun 20 19:18:58 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1589-06

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

H-hi, uh, wh-what are you in for? I, uh, (gasp), stabbed myself in the
chest just moments after my superpowers wore off. Luckily (groan), I
missed my vital organs and they were able to save me. Unfortunately, I
have to wear this for a while, maybe tell them the whole story once
their minds are open to it again.

But anyway, (ow), what are you in for? (sigh)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you'll remember back to number 638, I was in for:
} * Disturbio de la paz
} * Manejando un automovil sobre la influencia del alcohol
} * Defecacion publica en la playa
} * Solicitacion de prostitutas
} * Vomitando sobre un agente de policia
} * Indecencia publica con un burro
} * Imitaciones miserables de Cantinflas
}
} Lies, all lies! I was framed! It was some incarnation pretending to be
} me. After all, when I drive under the influence of alcohol I can handle
} the car perfectly well. And in spite of my tremendous and Oracular
} Omniscience I would not know how to perform an imitation of Cantinflas,
} either good or bad.
}
} If you are running a poker game, I'm in for $5.
}
} You owe the Oracle $5.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 13 Jun 20 19:18:59 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1589-07

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

O Ossome Oracle, whose odious supplicants overflow your queues, I need
your official help.

We are totally devastivated by the recent events of devastivation that
have descendered upon our small but totally poor and trustworthy
abode. The roof has fallen in, and the walls are fallen out. The
ceiling wax has all melted and is crawling sideways, like centipees
trying to be crabs.

Yesterday the barometer was falling to heights previously unobtainable
under the previous presidency. It went through the devastivated floor.

How can I get the barometer back? I need a full explanation with soft
and reassuring cooing noises, not merely a few words of disunencouragementable blather like others give me. You are so
reliable! At least occasionally.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In matters meteorological I need to use some jargon
} So assume (from basic facts) that the barom is filled with argon
} It's a gas that's lighter than the air
} And off it flies we know what where
}
} In days gone past the thing was made with
} Quicksilver that nicely stayed
} the thing quite sound, being heavy
} But injuries were quite a levy
}
} Some will try with horsehair to
} Make their barom do what to do
} But that will stretch with aught humidity
} Beyond what' in a reader's cupidity
}
} Other strain gauges have been tried but
} Most rely on goold old catgut
}
} Once you find the cat and feed her
} Then you will get back your meter.
}
} You owe the Oracle the weather reports from coastal stations.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 13 Jun 20 19:19:00 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1589-08

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please explain the significance of the f-bomb, and how no one ever
says, "May you die a virgin," or something like it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are hopelessly confused, which means you are one of my normal
} supplicants.
}
} The F-bomb is just before the G-bomb, which is the Bomb of Gilead, as
} found in the Holy Scriptures. I know you are thinking of the Wholly or
} Holey Scriptures, but that's just another way you are wrong. All this
} religious stuff has fouled up your brain, and you are hoping to meet
} the Virgin Mary, and that'll never happen. The best you can hope for is
} some extra-virgin olive oil. You won't even the Revised Standard Virgin
} of the Bible.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Q-Bomb, complete with mouse.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 13 Jun 20 19:19:01 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1589-09

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Help me please!!!!! I am flying my paper airplane here near the
Bermuda Triangle and it keeps disappearing. Could you please
paint the triangle orange so that I can see it again? I am
lots without your help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In matters trigonometric
} Don't be hectic
} The answer is geometric
} If you take the non-euclidian space of a sphere and work out the
} coordinates in the complex plane and then reduce them to the scalar
} with a simple vectric
}
} In short, the earth's curve
} Has made you swerve
} Off your intended course
} But considering the finite nature of the latitudes and the various
} winds around those parts it is as easy as falling off a horse
}
} Take sextant and sun
} Make so optic makes one
} That will give you the lat
} And then it is a simple matter of finding the long and any simple
} chronometer (as built by Harrison) will easily tell you that
}
} Now you have lat and long, and that's plane
} sailing, so now once again
} Horizontal be. Soon
} The old sun is at noon
} And at that point at its zenith you can determine your affine error
} from the azimuth within a correction of about two minutes of arc with
} a reasonably good lens
}
} If all else fails consult the stars
} Remain quite happy where you are
} To travel elsewhere's only worse
} It could be full of people who spend their lives doing affine
} matrices or hyperbolic cosines or write incredibly incoherent verse
}
} You owe the Oracle three meters, ten seconds, six degrees of freedom,
} and a little buoy he once met in Panama.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 13 Jun 20 19:19:02 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1589-10

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Does God ever get bored?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Remember "the problem of evil"? Like why does God, being omnipotent and
} totally good and everything, let evil exist?
}
} Entertainment.
}
} Theologians everywhere should listen to me more often.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1589 ******************************************

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