• Internet Oracularities Digest #1588

    From oracle-request@internetoracle.org@21:1/5 to All on Thu Apr 30 11:05:53 2020
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    Date: Thu, 30 Apr 20 07:05:41 -0500
    From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
    Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1588

    To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
    to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
    B Kinzler.)

    Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
    on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
    number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
    For example:
    1588
    2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

    1583 13 votes 23503 22333 12460 15412 15520 11731 01084 04432 02236 00553
    1583 3.3 mean 2.9 3.2 3.2 2.8 2.6 3.2 4.2 3.2 4.0 3.8

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    Date: Thu, 30 Apr 20 07:05:42 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1588-01

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    I received a Bill of Divorcement that complained about spelling errors,
    but it had a spelling error in it.

    Wait a minute, it didn't.

    It complained about complaining about them.

    Please repair my brain, but no harsh zotting this time, please.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Were it a Bill of Divorcement, it would have already offended against
    } English as She is Spoke, and would not be enforceable (or indeed
    } enforceable). Were it a Bill of Divorce, the petitioner has at least
    } got past the language lawyers.
    }
    } Let's assume the hindmore. What we have here is a case involving what
    } we lawyers call "reductio ad absurdum". This is when one complainant
    } (ex parte non gratia) says "tu quoquo", and in arcadia ego sum. You do
    } not complain about the complaint about the complaint: that would be
    } foolish (in re R. vs. Lousiana: definition of "Purchase", Republique
    } francais intervening: Geo IV 257 II et seq).
    }
    } Instead plead the Fifth and stay schtum ("qui non dicitur est, pax
    } est"). After thirty days if the respondent has not responded, and your
    } response has been not to respond, the Court will dismiss in your
    } flavor.
    }
    } Ex judice and all that. You owe the Oracle a Blakewell Tart.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 30 Apr 20 07:05:43 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1588-02

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Same as previous question, but correct two of the terms.

    For borons read bosons.

    For hardons read hadrons.

    The result if I am successful will be a new source of energy for the
    good of us all.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Still the same answer. Take the Meisens and the morons and smack them
    } together, as described in Steinbeck et. al. "Of Meisen Men". Once this
    } has sent you pottery, add saltpetre and fire in a kilner jar until the
    } colour of euchre. Remove and spin on a perpetual motion machine into
    } fine wire.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a 54-gallon drum of sodium (night rate).

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 30 Apr 20 07:05:44 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1588-03

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Time to revise and deconstruct my vague understanding of platitudes. I
    think they run slideways through the plongitudes.

    None of them is (or are) from Plato, from Aristotle, from Pluto, or
    from Decatur.

    If you can give me an illustration of what I mean when I am totally
    confused, I'll be able to phrase this question in a more answerable
    form.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } You're being far too tangential. Secant you shall find.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a quarter for the trigonometer.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 30 Apr 20 07:05:45 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1588-04

    Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Ever notice English redundant words? More efficient use fewer words.
    Agree?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } What you have said in the message that you sent to me and that I
    } received certainly bears thoughtful contemplation. One must bear in
    } mind (without actually having bears inside the head) is that your
    } proposed style appears to be, yes perhaps even is, remarkably scrawny.
    } There's no meat on the bones. The pot roast is missing the pot, which
    } you could go and buy from any pot dealer. Notice how easily we can be
    } led astray into delightful territory far removed from the communicative
    } task at hand. While attempting to discuss the art of language, we
    } suddenly find the envelope as interesting as the letter, of even more
    } so. Our focus suddenly becomes the tiny postage stamp, and we are swept
    } into the hobby of stamp collecting, and thence into riding horses or
    } sailing ships, both of which have appeared on postage stamps many
    } times.
    }
    } Conclusion? Your words wrong.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 30 Apr 20 07:05:46 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1588-05

    Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Dear Oracle, whose vision is endless, whose sight is flawless, whose vanishing point is infinite, please tell me:

    I wanted to take a snap but I dropped the thing and now I can't find
    it. Where is my camera obscura?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } It's in the darkroom, right where you left it.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a NEW question about the speed of dark. And this
    } time omit the bagpipes.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 30 Apr 20 07:05:47 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1588-06

    Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Oh Oracle, whose nose for a scam is as big as a ham, please tell me:

    I've recently received an email purporting be from the Egyptian
    Minister of the Interior, saying that if I send ten small payments and
    add my name to their mailing list, I will help assure the survival of
    his ancient tombs as well as having a chance of winning a trip down the
    Nile to see the Valley of the Kings.

    Am I being sold down the river? Is this just a pyramid scheme?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } If you cannot see through this scam you are in denial.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a pack of Camels.
    }
    } No, forget that. No smoking allowed here.
    }
    } Instead make that a full set of the books by Elizabeth Peters.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 30 Apr 20 07:05:48 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1588-07

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    this is the worse questoin i ever ax you

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Ah, a puzzle question? I love these.
    }
    } So, "ask" is spelt "ax". That has to mean something.
    } "Questoin" has the last three letters wrong, and "worse" should be
    } "worst".
    }
    } So, combine the incorrectly spelt letters and we have: "taxion".
    } This is a theoretical elementary particle that is thought to transmit
    } "tax", either in the monetary sense, or in the "taxing questions"
    } sense.
    } The most taxing question is, of course, "How much tax would the taxman
    } tax, if a taxman could tax tax?"
    }
    } The reductio ad absurdam of this is that taxing tax results in an
    } exponential decay of all money that is distributed, so that it's not
    } worth the paper that it's written on (although spare bank notes are
    } suitable replacements for toilet paper in these troubled times).
    }
    } But why would you be asking such a basic question? No supplicant can
    } poissibly be that stupid (I mean, I know they've tried but, still...)
    }
    } Ah, I missed the grammatical error: "this" should be "This". The
    } important point is the "T".
    }
    } So, you're asking a taxing question about "Tea".
    }
    } To which the answer is, no you sub-normal colonial, you cannot be
    } released from the tea tax. If we do that, then you'll only go and
    } elect your own moronic government who couldn't get themselves out of a
    } pickle jar that had already had the lid unscrewed.
    }
    } You owe it to the Oracle to postpone the Boston Tea Party until
    } social-distancing requirements are over and we can party like it's
    } 1773 all over again.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 30 Apr 20 07:05:49 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1588-08

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Why isn't the English language spelled the way it is written?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Beecahz then it wud luk rillee weerd.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 30 Apr 20 07:05:50 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1588-09

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    The doctor said that when my brother fell he broke his humerus. That is
    of course the funny bone. Please give me three jokes that will help him recover. They have to be good for someone who has lost his sense of
    humor.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } An actual joke, eh? I haven't heard one of those for some time.
    } According to my records, your brother is human, so we'll need a joke
    } that appeals to the lowest common denominator. Zadoc, you're lower
    } than most, what's your favourite joke?
    }
    } "What's brown and sticky? A Pooh stick!"
    }
    } Yes, thank you, Zadoc, for completely mis-remembering that joke. Any
    } more?
    }
    } "Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was practising
    } social-distancing."
    }
    } Any chance of something that's actually funny?
    }
    } "When did the Chinese man go to the dentist? Half-past eight because
    } his tooth really hurt and he managed to get an early appointment."
    }
    } I mean, well done on not using a racist punchline, but less well done
    } on understanding the concept of actual humour. Please show yourself
    } out.
    }
    } Zadoc turns around, but steps on a banana-skin that had been left
    } there by Gerald, my pet chimpanzee. He slips out of the door, into a
    } mop-bucket, and careens down the corridor, just missing two mime
    } artists carrying a sheet of invisible glass. His journey only stops
    } when his head smashes through a wall and appears in place of a
    } moose-head trophy, which is about to be used in a game of darts.
    }
    } Is that good enough for your brother? If not please don't write in,
    } I'm having all supplicants' email destroyed to prevent viral
    } infection. I know email can't carry coronavirus, but it gets me some
    } peace and quiet.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle some eggs, pasta, toilet roll, and chopped
    } tomatoes. Oh, I've got plenty for myself, I'm just trying to set up an
    } online delivery store.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 30 Apr 20 07:05:51 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1588-10

    Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    What are the good and bad of being a virgin?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Good: Scripture reveals that you get to enjoy the numerical
    } superiority of outnumbering the men in Heaven by 72 to 1.
    }
    } Bad: Scripture reveals that the Prophet (pubah) saw that the majority
    } of the people in hell were women.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle an acceptable correction to the mathematics of the
    } uncorrectable Scripture.

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    End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1588 ******************************************

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