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Date: Mon, 27 Jan 20 09:21:20 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1587

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1587
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1582 17 votes 20348 04562 04b11 23624 33560 27332 10583 16325 15731 15632
1582 3.2 mean 3.9 3.4 2.9 3.2 2.8 2.8 3.7 3.2 2.9 3.0

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 27 Jan 20 09:21:21 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1587-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I always used to thought that Zagreb was in Yugoslavia but now it has
been moved to Croaita. Who allows these things?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} St. Petersburg used to be in Russia, then it was Petrograd, then it
} was Leningrad. Now it's St. Petersburg again, and it's not only in
} Russia, it's in Florida!
}
} Who allows these things? Who's going to stop me?
}
} You owe the Oracle a tour of Cairo, Egypt, Cairo, Illinois, Alexandria,
} Virginia, Alexandria, Egypt, Athens, Greece Athens, Georgia, Notre
} Dame, Indiana, Notre Dame, France, Paris, France, and Paris Hilton.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 27 Jan 20 09:21:22 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1587-02

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Dear and Incontestable Oracle, I plan on becoming a librarian. Not a libertarian like before when I was stupid. Please tell me the name of
a good library school in the remote country of Libraria, far away from
just about everywhere. So I don't have to listen to my stupid Mom
telling me to do my homework. Or to you telling me, "Do your own
goddam homework!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Libraria, it seems, is nowhere geographic It is not there in books
} nor planned by charts or demographic It is not in the Dewey System,
} no-.one seems to know it I think you may have made it up, your lack
} of quals now show it
}
} Je pense, on parle il faut, la meme, parler une langue etrange
} Et puis,. s'il tu peut a la maitre, on avoir la strange Les faux
} amis, admittedly, in rhyme quite macaronic Asserte-tu. (ou voulez
} vous?) your reference skills are chronic
}
} The whole world knows that heavy books go down there at the bot And
} light books go on top shelf, and then that is where they're got.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bookshelf.- And some books... dont tell
} Lisa... either Wittegenstein or Agatha Crhistie, and we don't tell
} the taxman

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 27 Jan 20 09:21:23 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1587-03

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I just LOVE Sundays. They have the very best newspaper comixx. How
can I get a MONTH of Sundays?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the old days, the Oracle would get a grovel in a month of Sundays.
} Lisa. please give the supplicant a UOT (not fatal, but stunning) for
} the absolute lack of supplicancy. Thank you.
}
} Now, it is fairly easy. All you have to do, is redefine the contract,
} oy vey? Look, you have one day off a week, the Sabbath, that is what
} the Bible says, and the Talmud and the Qu'ran, that is what it says,
} what God or Allah or Yahweh says, one day off a week. That is the
} sabbath.
}
} So, now it is an easy process.... Christians have sabbath on a Sunday.
} Muslims on a Friday, Jews on Friday night to Saturday morning (which I
} think was the prequel to the film "Saturday Night, Sunday Morning"),
} but Lisa tells me I am mistaken. So, already we have got three and a
} half days a week covered for your month of sabbaths.
}
} Add in high days, holy days and bonfire nights.
}
} Time off sick, and "visiting your parents" (I know what you are doing,
} but the parents hope that one day you will make an honest woman out of
} her)
}
} Now take the zodiac, which is definitely out of whack. The zodiac is
} out of whack partly because of the change from the Julian calendar to
} the Gregorian calendar in 1582 in Continental Europe, and from 2 to 13
} September 1753 in Britain and Her Colonies... so already for about 150
} years you could declare that it was a Sunday in France and a Wednesday
} in England. Add to that, the French Revolutionary Calendar, where you
} will find that dimanche falls every ten days of the week and then throw
} in the Chinese traditional calendar, lunar calendar, still in common
} use, and you will find that almost every day is a Sunday,
}
} therefore, by extension,. every day is a Sunday. Unfortunately for you,
} you have to worship your god every Sunday.
}
} So you owe the Oracle all your Sundays. HAhahahahhahahaah

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 27 Jan 20 09:21:24 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1587-04

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

New Theory! New Theory!

Gravity is shaped like a corkscrew.

That allows anyone, regardless of political or religious belief, to
support any possible shape for the earth. Flat, Round, Pointed, Lumpy, whatever.

Please tell me some of the possible applications and beauties of my New Theory.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your corkscrew theory would explain why it's so hard for people to walk
} after drinking wine.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 27 Jan 20 09:21:25 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1587-05

Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

<meta name="joke">
<joke>
Q: How much 'joke' could a meta-joke joke if a meta-joke
could joke 'joke'?
</joke>
</meta>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I never met a joke I couldn't make worse.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 27 Jan 20 09:21:26 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1587-06

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Members of the Bologna Community (the Balloonians) have spoken out
harshly and gently about their fellow former countrymen, or
countrywomen actually, called the Salamians, without a doubt, wearing
the haboob, which is not the same thing, in fact or in name, as the baboon-coloured sandstorm of the same name.

As you can plainly see, I am in tremendous need of self-correction on
this issue. I think the issue in question is a copy of Life Magazine
from July 1923, or perhaps 1932. You could look it up.

Please explain what I should do. No, no, no, not THAT explanation. You
told me that last time, and I can assure you I am anatomically
impossible.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's sort out this pile of vermicelli once and for all.
}
} The Walloons are Belgian, not Italian, and this is where Life
} Magazine's woman in the field started to go wrong, apparently filing
} copy after too many Dorothy Parkers in the Razzamazzatazz Hotel, Milan
} (ring top bell). During the 1920s. that hero of many a well-fought
} bottle also filed copy about the Hanging Garments of Basildon, a freak
} can of spaghetti letters that were all the letter "O", the
} archaeological expeditions of Sir Edmund Hillary in Egypt, somewhat
} anachronistically, and invented the crossword, although he couldn't
} find the answer to 19 across.
}
} Strange times, the twenties. That's what happens when cocaine is legal.
}
} It's all sorted out now, so pasta la vista baby, and let's do it all
} again in the 2020s.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Treaty of Trianon, and a wiener (or vienna or
} becs).

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 27 Jan 20 09:21:27 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1587-07

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why was that button labelled DETONATE? I pressed it and nothing
happened.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I guess that must mean you're detone deaf.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 27 Jan 20 09:21:28 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1587-08

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

You, the astounding Internet Oracle, have a bevy of incarnations who
help transcribe your answers so you need not dirty your
prestidigitationous fingers on a filthy keyboard.

When are we supplicants going to get to have incarnations, too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplican'ts get incinerations instead.
} You owe the Oracle some supplicans.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 27 Jan 20 09:21:29 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1587-09

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I have been investigating the habits of arboreal mammals. I took one
from being feral to domesticated, but now it seems to want to gnaw
away at the joists in my attic. This is becoming a bit of a nuisance.
I have phoned the insurance company, but they woud like to know:

How many eaves can a beaver heave,
When a beaver can heave eaves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Groundhog Day approaches.
}
} The beaver, castor canadensis, resents your question. There are a
} flock of them in the moat around my castle. Those dam beaver
} have eaten all my willow trees.
}
} Anyway, I interviewed one today, and he complained bitterly. Here are
} his main points:
}
} 1. "We are not arboreal. We don't climb trees, we eat them."
} 2. "We are not the groundhog (marmota monax)."
} 3. "We are not the woodchuck (marmota monax)."
} 4. "Unlike the disliked and loathsome woodchuck, we actually do
} chuck wood."
} 5. "We are also and unfortunately a colloquial term that should not
} be discussed by a Family Oracle."
} 6. "We are not as large as the capybara."
} 7. "Perhaps your supplicant was thinking of the koala. They are
} arboreal and eat trees."
} 8. "The koala eat eucalyptus. They are welcome to it. I hate
} eucalyptus."
}
} You owe the Oracle some additional supplicants before Groundhog Day.
} Or Christmas.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 27 Jan 20 09:21:30 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1587-10

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please help me extinguish between words what are almost the same but completely different. I wanted a ginkgo tree but asked for a gecko
tree, with dreadful insults. Oops, I mean results. See what I mesne?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to the Uxbridge English Dictionary, this commune pheromone is
} known as a "Fraudulent Slop". You really DID want a gecko tree (who
} wouldn't?) but could only justify a ginkgo tree to your latent ergo
} (Inert Self).
}
} This contusion of worms is persuasive in modem society and is caused by
} everyone being closet cylepaths. There's nothing you can do about it.
} Here rests the case for the deafness.
}
} You owe the Oracle to keep it between ewe and eye.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1587 ******************************************

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