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Date: Thu, 03 Oct 19 19:55:22 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1586

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1586
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1581 15 votes 21633 32352 43530 13641 02364 22452 01590 12345 03543 12534
1581 3.3 mean 3.3 3.1 2.5 3.1 3.8 3.2 3.5 3.7 3.5 3.5

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Oct 19 19:55:23 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1586-01

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I am scared. They are investigating things in which I was involved in,
where it will look like I was guilty even though I swear I am innocent. Rember how Nixon wasn't involved in the stuff they said he was invloved
into, and then nothing much was done he wasn't impeached, at least not
mush. I just worked for an agency that does not exist. So why am I
worried?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, Mr. President. Those people aren't here to investigate you.
} That lady is here to clean the windows, and the gentleman with her
} will empty your waste-paper baskets and sort out your stationery.
}
} > But, how can I know they can be trusted? What if they've been
} > sent here to look at those supposed documents I've supposedly
} > hidden under the false floor of the third drawer of my gray filing
} > cabinet?
}
} Mr. President, they all have impeccable backgrounds and have been
} through very careful security clearances. Mr Fishlop here served under
} three previous Presidents.
}
} > You mean he served under Obama?
}
} Yes.
}
} > He's fired.
}
} Mr. President, are you sure? He is an excellent worker.
}
} > His salary is a very, very, bad deal. Fire him, and hire him back at
} > one-quarter of his wages.
}
} I see, Mr. President. Do you really think that having underpaid office
} staff is the best way to ensure full security? Are you not concerned
} that someone unable to feed their family may be open to bribes?
}
} > The bribes he will be offered will be a bad deal. Offer him twice,
} > nay nine and half times, any other bribes offered to him.
}
} I ... see. And Mr. President, are you ready for your daily duties?
}
} > Sure, what's next?
}
} You asked us to prepare a bill forcing NASA to admit that we never
} travelled to the moon.
}
} > And I sign it right? Just make a big X like I did before?
}
} Yes, Mr. President.
}
} You owe The Oracle permanent residence in New Zealand.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Oct 19 19:55:24 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1586-02

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oh wise Oracle, thou is able to 'roll it' better than five million
pastry chefs being coordinated properly, pray tell me.

I've just seen someone say that 'Paul McCartney got many things wrong,
but he was right about Alan Klein.'

OK, so we know about Alen Klein, but I'm wondering what all these
things are that Paul McCartney got wrong. Could you list some of Paul McCartney's major errors?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why certainly. So can any man. But Henry IV, part 1, Act 3, Scene 1.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Oct 19 19:55:25 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1586-03

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please tellme the story of how Mary and Joseph lost Jesus for three
whole days before noticing. I'd like to hear how this is even
possible.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Precession of the Equinoxes. Not well understood at the time, kept
} moving Xmas around on the calendar.
}
} "What day is it, anyway? And where's the Baby?"
}
} "Damfino. This equinox stuff has me staying up too late. I thought
} you had Him."
}
} "Have you checked behind the sofa?"
}
} "Yes, there were three missing days back there, but I didn't find the
} Baby."
}
} "I was going to look behind the fridge, but we don't have one yet."
}
} "Oh, there He is. Right in the manger, sound asleep. Trust in The
} Lord, I always say, trust in The Lord."

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Oct 19 19:55:26 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1586-04

Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oh Great Oracle,

I have traveled far to see you. I have voyaged since before recorded
browser history, traversing archives of humor mailings and braving
Google Search results, so I could humbly present my question to you as
I do now.

...Do you like tacos?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh my goodness, you are dredging the Sands of Time! When he wasn't in
} Quebec or Los Angeles Doug Kenney almost wrote Teenage Commies from
} Outer Space (TACOS) back when almost everyone was zoned out on
} something. As someone once said, "If you can remember the sixties, you
} weren't there."
}
} This is serious Zen, or it would be if my motorcycle worked better. No,
} that was Zen, this is Tao.
}
} Wait a minute! Wait a minute! YOU!! It was you who stole my motorcycle
} when trying to grovel back in 340-01, from 1991. That's like halfway
} back to 1963.
}
} You owe the Oracle the return of that 1962 Ducati Scrambler. It had
} better be restored to original condition.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Oct 19 19:55:27 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1586-05

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oh wondrous Oracle the most bizarre and terrible experience occurred to
me last night. At some point in the evening my offspring awoke hungry
and afraid. I went into the kitchen to prepare sustenance and turned
on the light. This is where my whole problem began. Being a smarter supplicant than most I kept one eye shut so that my night vision would
not be ruined when I had to return to the offspring's bedroom to
placate his demands for food. The rushing of the water filling the
bottle triggered a natural urge to urinate, so I proceeded to the
bathroom with one eye closed. This is where things get strange. With
one eye closed I proceeded to begin the urination process and this is
where things went strange. Without the aid of depth perception it was
a much more challenging task to maintain proper aim. When all was said
and done there were many casualties. Time being late and me being
lazy, I left cleanup for the next day.

Now I must know, oh great wise one, how expensive of a gift do I need
to now purchase for my wife who later that night used the same restroom
in her socks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two things:
} 1. Clean socks. 12 pair. Nice ones, but not too nice.
} 2. A separate bathroom for you. Outside. Like the kind with a moon
} carved in the door, and spiders crawling all over.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Oct 19 19:55:28 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1586-06

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Scribbely, Scrabble
Alfred Lord Ternnyson
Wrote "In Memoriam"
Over the years

Hundreds and Hundreds of
Octosyllabical
Lines about life that will
Bore you to tears.

So tell me, Dear Oracle
pungent and nascent, what
Will make a dactyl that
I can then sell?

It needn't be long, I'm all
Tergiversatory
Give me the answer or
Damn me to hell.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Higgledy-piggledy
} Checking your spelling
} Alfred Lord Tennyson
} Gave you the shaft.
}
} You wrote an R making
} Tennyson Ternnyson
} Trying to illustrate
} How you are daft.
}
} This kind of grovelling
} Turns the digestion
} And switches your money
} From silver to purple.
}
} Stuck for a rhyme I
} Now start inventing
} Ridiculous words such as
} Dilver and murple.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Oct 19 19:55:29 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1586-07

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

On some mysterious day just recently <oracle@internetoracle.org> wrote:

You owe the Oracle a more imaginative question.

You know, I had a dream, an amazing dream with all sorts of stuff I
didn't understand. Also I dreamed about this hootomunguously beautiful
girl but I never got closer than eight feet away from her. Not close
enough. Please help me imagine what she and I would do, especially if
she didn't have that ugly boyfriend. He looks strong. Probably
football. Plays hunchback for Notre Dame. His face rings a bell.

Anyway, explain how to make my dreams work better, and with REAL girls.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm dreaming of a good question
} Just like the ones I used to get
} Where queue-fillers is missing
} And supplicants listen
} To get wisdom words by mail
}
} I'm dreaming of a good question
} With every askme that I write
} May your questions be merry and bright
} And may all your answers be wise.
}
} I'm dreaming of a good question
} Just like the ones I used to get
} Where queue-fillers is missing
} And supplicants listen
} To get wisdom words by mail

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Oct 19 19:55:30 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1586-08

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

In church we sing hymns. I feel that this is somehow exclusionary and
wrong, and that we also should sing hermns as well, or perhaps simply
sing thermns. Please tell me how to get my way in this effort, as I
will be working against Forces of Evil that are stronger than I would
ever want to be.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Switch to Oraclemns!
}
} Mine be the Glory, answering, conquering one!
} Endless is the victory I over supplicants won!
} Incarnations with bri-ight wisdom drained the queue away!
} Fried the dumb su-pli-cants when they 'woodchuck' said!
} Mine be the Glory, answering, conquering one!
} Endless is the victory I over supplicants won!
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete Oracular Psalm Book.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Oct 19 19:55:31 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1586-09

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What's the best way to learn how to gargle in Russian?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By using Gargle Translate.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 03 Oct 19 19:55:32 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1586-10

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please explain these "microaggressions" and how people can get
macro-offended at them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's like when you are cutting your toenail on your little toe and you
} cut it just slightly too short. You take the toenail clippers and throw
} them at the wall. They bounce off the wall and hit the cat. The cat
} leaps into the air as only cats can do, and knocks over the vase of
} imitation flowers that was sitting on the grand piano where a
} candelabra should have been. Unfortunately your grandpa, who is getting
} older each year (unlike me), had watered the imitation flowers, and the
} water spills into the piano.
}
} As a person of decidedly undecided fantastical mental abilities, you
} expect that the piano should automatically begin playing a combination
} of Handel's Water Music and Confrey's Kitten on the Keys. It does not,
} and you feel slightly offended. You notice that your feeling is due to
} a microagression on the part of the Steinway Piano Company, even though
} the piano is a Baldwin.
}
} You also feel tremendously offended by me, The Amazing Internet Oracle,
} for my failure to take your attitude seriously.
}
} You owe the Oracle a player-piano roll for his Knabe Ampico model B
} that actually does have that impossible combination mentioned above. If
} you can't accomplish that, a roll with Bach's Rube Goldberg Variations
} will do.

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1586 ******************************************

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