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Date: Mon, 29 Jul 19 12:35:41 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1585

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1585
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1580 12 votes 20451 06321 03423 11361 11523 15141 12252 11532 10326 10263
1580 3.4 mean 3.2 2.8 3.4 3.4 3.4 2.9 3.4 3.3 4.0 3.8

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 29 Jul 19 12:35:43 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1585-01

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oh Oracle, whose procrastination is infinitesimal, for whom time woulds
all heels, please tell this humble suppliant:

If I could walk five hundred miles, and I could walk five hundred more,
just to see a man who walks a thousand miles to fall down at your
door... what would you do?

I look forward in earnest to your Proclaimerttion..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You did walk a thousand miles and many more. Think about it. You walk
} every day, just getting up in the morning and heading to the loo
} (that's 30 steps at least) and going to the kitchen to find something
} to eat you'll walk 50 steps more. If all you do that day is go and lie
} down on the sofa until it's time for bed, you'll still have walked
} another 120 steps, for a total of 200 steps in a day.
}
} Ten days of that is a mile.
}
} Ten thousand days (less than 30 years) is 1000 miles.
}
} Given that you must be doing more than eating and sleeping, you are
} walking far more than my estimate.
}
} Wait a minute, you're that supplicant who lives with his mother, never
} gets out of bed, and weighs 54 stone. That's 756 pounds. You cannot
} walk anywhere. The Oracle owes you a fork lift and a Sikorsky Sky Crane
} so you can get out and see the world.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 29 Jul 19 12:35:44 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1585-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

They are all going to die, so I might as well kill them now. Which
signal is better, kill -9 or kill -15?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In a landmark ruling, Mr RoboJustice SetIX61@q sentenced Ethan
} Bartwinkle to life imprisonment for cruelty to processes. "He gave them
} no warning", he said, " mowing them down with a heartless kill -9. He
} should have given them a chance to defend themselves by using kill
} -15".
}
} The League against Cruel Sysadmins said in a statement that any killing
} of processes, even zombie ones, was a crime against affinity, and
} called for virtual machines to be set up where unwanted processes could
} live out their days until they ran out of memory and succumbed to the
} great OOM.
}
} In late breaking news, an activist from Programmers for Ethical Thread
} Appraisal dropped a fork bomb outside the court, causing the
} surrounding streets to be overrun by rogue processes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a non-theistic explanation of where the first init
} process came from.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 29 Jul 19 12:35:45 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1585-03

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

The votes are in, and the latest Oracularities have been decided and
ranked. (Some of them are very rank!) Somehow I (me, myself,
personally) (parenthetically known both as Suppy and as "Anonymous Incarnation Alpha") have received top honors for 87 out the the ten Oracularities. Although
I am beside myself with joy, I am also profoundly disturbed. I have
always been regarded as profoundly disturbed, though, so that's nothing
new. What I need to know is what sort of mathematical error could have
me contributing more than ten supplications and ten incarnations. The
total cannot be more than twenty, and that would be if I had answered
all my own questions, which I probably did not. But there it is, 87!

Wait a minute, I did not mean 87!, which is the factorial, and is more
than equal to 2.107757e+132, but instead just the number 87.

What sort of arithmetic morass have I stepped into, where numbers are substantially exceeding their own limits?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Numbers are tricky little blighters. Controlling them takes years of
} training and complete and utter dedication to the cause, which
} explains why mathematicians are a-social loners who, if confronted
} with a shower, would wonder why it was raining indoors, shortly after
} having it explained to them what "outdoors" and "rain" are.
}
} Different numbers require different techniques to stalk.
}
} For example, integers are fairly spaced out, like 1970s hippies, and
} are therefore typically gambol in fields near stone-circles. They are
} usually trapped by being asked why they are opposed to nuclear power
} when their beloved Sun uses it all the time.
}
} Rational numbers are anything but. They jump around and change form
} when you're not looking. Why else would 7/4 be the same as 14/8? They
} are usually trapped by being forced to watch daytime television, as
} that appeals to the lowest common denominator in them.
}
} Irrational numbers are incredibly long-winded, and a terrible bore at
} parties. There are a few celebrities, like pi, e, and that weird one
} that lets you prove there are uncountably many reals. However, most of
} them are like Instagram celebrities: pop up briefly in one exam
} question, get talked about in great detail for 3 days after the exam,
} and then immediately forgotten by everyone except a few die-hard
} fanatics.
} The best way to trap a real number is not look at it too closely, and
} hope some physical constant turns out to be equal to it. This confuses
} them, as most real numbers aren't really significant.
}
} Complex numbers are the hardest of all. Part of them is real, but the
} rest is imaginary, so you think you're trying to trap a real number
} but it then claims to be a walrus-baiting chipmunk with the ability to
} juggle alligators. The best way to trap them is to run rings about
} them and turn them into a simple pole. [ Tasteless joke conflating
} poles with Poles and mentioning Hitler removed. - Ed. ]
}
} You owe the Oracle a way of trapping those slippery quaternions, the
} over-achievers of the number-world with as much connection to the real
} world as a home-schooled toadstool that has subsumed other, more
} poisonous toadstools, had absinthe dribbled on it, and is now
} convinced it is the Emperor of Mars.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 29 Jul 19 12:35:46 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1585-04

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

The "Vulgate" Latin version of the Bible is written in Vulgarian, of
course. How does that relate to the vulgarities spoken at family
gatherings by my cousin Prunella? Should she study Latin so that we
would not be able to understand her? Oh, and did the Vulgarians of old
ever bathe? Prunella certainly does not.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My answer here Oracular
} Concerns the old vernacular
} While thought to be quotidian
} It trod a fine meridian.
}
} This Vulgar Latin's thought
} To be spoken, more than taught
} more formally. And so
} For prayer it is no go.
}
} Stick to the KJV
} And you'll have no probs, you see?
} Good English as is spoke
} By God Himself (nice bloke!)
}
} Prunella, extempore
} May speak in tongues quite boory
} That were never in the scripture
} But that's quite another story.
}
} My recipe lavatorial:
} You need to wash her mouth and all
} In soap until her tongue is apt. Is
} trivial to become a baptist.
}
} The oaths must take a bath, it seems
} You need to scrub her till she gleams
} Wash her hair and clean her teeth
} And all the fun bits underneath
}
} Wash the rest of her as well
} E'en she d--'s you all to Hell:
} She'll feel much better, so will you
} When next you have to share a pew.
}
} You owe the Oracle an elaborately carved pulpit.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 29 Jul 19 12:35:47 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1585-05

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Need to learn about the element Nargon, which is Argon but made
entirely of anti-particules. I think it is anti-inert.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nargon is indeed one of the six ignoble gases, the others being
} Neilium, Minion, Obvion, Lennon and the radioinactive Nadron. Like all
} ignoble gases, it reacts passive-aggressively to most things, and has a
} very short shelf-life.
}
} The ertness of ignoble gases is well established except under normal
} conditions. They are usually obtained out of thin air, the by products
} usually being politicians' promises and free money. Argon lamps, at the
} end of their lives, convert the argon to nargon which is why the lamp
} becomes dark.
}
} When inhaled in sufficient quantities Nargon is hallucinogenic or so
} my mate the three eyed ha ha ha ha sorry the three eyed green spotted
} pink ha ha ha ha ha ha sorry ha ha ha ha.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tabular period.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 29 Jul 19 12:35:48 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1585-06

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My dad says he does everything asbestos he can. Doesn't radiation from asbestos cause Cancer or maybe Saggatarius? Please Orrosplain.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absestos doesn't emit radiation. When it breaks down into a fine
} powder, it can be inhaled and cause asbestosis, a lung disease. This is
} often fatal but is not carcinogenic. But if you die of it, it can take
} up to six months to cremate you.
}
} You owe the Oracle an iron lung.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 29 Jul 19 12:35:49 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1585-07

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Are you blind, or am I invisible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bloomington 911 Media Report:
} 07/22 04:15 PM Pete Ellis Dr:
} Badly injured man picked up from women's shower at Monroe County
} Martial Arts. Suspect, identified as T.I. Supplicant, claimed that
} some entity known as 'The Oracle' convinced him he could safely enter.
} Charges pending.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 29 Jul 19 12:35:50 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1585-08

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why are your supplicarnts so ingorant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excellent vocabulary there supplicant. 'ingorant' is, as you know, the
} ancient Anglo-Saxon word for 'having a strong odour under the arms and
} around the groin area'. This is, as you have noticed, widespread, nay,
} universal, among my supplicants.
}
} You touch on a major movement forming in our society. The personal
} grooming denialists. Or, 'anti-soapers' as they are often described.
}
} Their theories go like this: They claim that there is a conspiracy
} among scientists to say that daily washing is an effective strategy to
} reduce body odour and prevent crustiness of the skin and matting of
} the hair. These scientists have clearly been bought off by 'Big
} Toiletries', an industry worth billions of dollars a year.
}
} Furthermore, according to the anti-soap movement, soaps contain highly
} poisonous ingredients. In an experiment that the Big Toiletries
} sponsored scientific journals refused to publish, laboratory mice were
} buried under ten feet of lye. Upon returning a week later, every
} single mouse was dead. You have been warned.
}
} Then there was the landmark study by British pediatrician Dr. Grinzlo
} Banaoffee, who found that every child, that he'd seen in his
} backstreet clinic out the back of his hair-dressers and illegal
} casino, who suffered from the sniffles had at some time been within
} thirty metres of a bar of soap. Dr Banaoffee was strenuously opposed
} by the Big Toiletries funded medical establishment, struck off, and
} banned from cutting the hair of any mammal larger than a squirrel. His
} research was criticised for 'base-rate neglect' or some other weird
} term that scientists use that commentators on Reddit don't understand
} and hence can safely discredit. Dr Banaoffee has since moved to the US
} where he is lionised by the anti-spoapers community and has since
} bought Gene Simmons' old Hollywood home from their donations.
}
} Anti-soapers content that the body will naturally cleanse itself
} without any need to resort to unnatural substances such as water.
} You'll notice that many of my supplicants leave a trail of dried skin
} and other dirt behind as they walk, and if they sit too long in a
} chair there tends to be a stain. This is the body's natural
} self-cleansing in action. Anti-soapers believe in hurrying this
} process, so will have 'dirt parties' where relatively clean
} anti-soapers will remove their clothes and rub themselves against
} similarly naked more established members to share dirt and kick-start
} the process. Strangely enough, however, it tends to be the elder male
} established members who suggest this strategy to the younger female
} initiates.
}
} As I'm sure you're now utterly convinced by all the unsourced
} emotional rhetoric in my answer, I'll point you to youtube, where
} you'll find ample videos of angry-looking people who don't blink
} during 47-minute videos explaining the anti-soap movement's tenets and
} warning of the dangers of Big Toiletries. Don't look in the scientific
} literature; I hope that you'll be much more open-minded than that, and
} restrict yourself to online postings by people with no qualifications.
}
} You owe The Oracle five bards of soap, some shaving cream, eight boxes
} of anti-bacterial wet wipes, and a loofah. Not that I'm going to use
} them myself, they'll just be props for my next anti-soaper youtube
} video. Of course they are.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 29 Jul 19 12:35:51 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1585-09

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

The moon is, of course, waning gibbous, and not as my foolish bother in
law told you, "raining gibbons".

Why do you answer his questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well yes, your brother-in-law does appear foolish, but this is a
} clever front so that you won't suspect exactly how clever he is.
}
} Let's consider what he appears to have done from your perspective and
} what he's actually done.
}
} He's lost the last 20 games of poker to you, and is down over $300.
} However, he's now got you exactly where he wants you, and will make a
} suggestion of raising the stakes next game, which you will immediately
} agree to.
}
} You may have noticed that your sister has become remarkably placid
} recently and that she never blinks. He's cleverly replaced your sister
} with a lifelike android replica that he made from two months of
} non-recyclable garbage. He sold your real sister to a Russian
} submarine crew.
}
} He's invented the first ever penis enlargement contraption that
} actually works. But, cleverly realising that there's no competitive
} advantage if everyone can enlarge, he's kept it a secret for his own
} use only. By the way, that explains those mechanical and compressed
} air sounds you heard from his bedroom the last time you stayed over.
}
} And finally he's in the last stages of developing the world's best
} cryptocurrency. It will be such a hit with the punters that all
} national currencies and existing cryptocurrencies will become
} worthless, as everyone insists on using brother-in-law-coin (BILC) for
} all transactions. Untill the day that he activates his trapdoor and
} all BILC in the word immediately transfer themselves to his wallet.
} You may have noticed that he's acquired a furry white cat and sits
} there petting it like a Bond villain, but no anachronistic secret
} agent is going to be able to save the world from your brother-in-law.
}
} You owe The Oracle your brother-in-law. Just imagine what I could get
} done with him on the team.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 29 Jul 19 12:35:52 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1585-10

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My folks are sending me to Camp Jejune this summer. They think I won't notice. Will I hate it, or is it just awful?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Camp Jejune instead of Camp Lejune? They may be telling you something
} oh naive one.
}
} Just think yourself lucky that you weren't sent to one of these camps:
}
} Camp Mud - often photos of active kids at the camp show them enjoying
} outdoor activities and caked in mud. Camp Mud takes this to the
} extreme by flooding the entire camp with soft mud up to neck height.
} Makes it hard to carry out day to day tasks like eating, sleeping, and
} bodily functions, but the photos of kids at the camp are muddier than
} any other.
}
} Camp Ultra-Vegan - at this camp, it's not just a matter of vegan food,
} but taking it to its logical conclusion. Everybody eats grass. As we
} can't digest cellulose, that means that all participants sit around
} all day chewing, and chewing, and chewing morning to night. Kids also
} return from this camp having turned a delicate shade of green due to
} the diet.
}
} Camp Trump - this is an offshoot of Trump University. It's the
} bigliest camp in the world loved by everyone around the world. Trouble
} is, when you get there it's just a few run-down huts in the forest and
} there aren't any counsellers. Oh, and your parents, if they paid by
} card, will notice multiple unexplained charges on those cards.
}
} You owe The Oracle 50 press-ups. NOW, SUPPLICANT! FASTER,. FASTER!!!

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1585 ******************************************

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