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Date: Thu, 27 Jun 19 11:29:51 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1584

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1584
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1579 16 votes 02581 03643 11554 25612 03526 03553 37231 22b01 13453 04444
1579 3.3 mean 3.5 3.4 3.6 2.8 3.7 3.5 2.5 2.8 3.4 3.5

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Jun 19 11:29:52 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1584-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

!!! The Oracle's question queue is getting rather full. Help speed
!!! things up for everyone and do askme's instead of tellme's.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, Mr. /dev/null, you could liven up your questions if you
} were to borrow them from /nev/dull instead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow! Or maybe Mom! (We are answering from Australia today, even though
} we are in a cave in what used to be Greece. Today more like grease.)
} Sort of umop episdn we are right now.
}
} To send a question you should be exercising your own brain, not
} plagiarizing from someone else's. But you knew that already, you
} blinking idiot.
}
} On the other hand, if you were not an idiot you would have no need of
} my advice.
}
} Here's what to do. Start with the ancient writers, from back around 800
} BC or before, when hardly anyone knew how to write but some composed
} poetry instead. They (mostly Homer) (but there were others) wrote, or
} rather didn't write, about Greek Gods and Greek Oracles. So you had
} best be learning Ancient Greek.
}
} As you should have already known, Ancient Greek is exactly like Modern
} Greek except when it is different. Same letters. Alpher, Bethe, Gamow.
} Tappa Keg. That sort of stuff. Enough for you to use in calculating
} brand new questions I almost never heard before.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question that'll make him fall off his perch.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Jun 19 11:29:53 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1584-02

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Once again I asked the wrong question, so you in your nearly infinite
wisdom gave me a wrong answer. It was supposed to be about the Planet
Boron. But I asked you about the Boston Borons hockey team. Any fool
knows they are the Bruins.

Why did you even mention the Phobodelphia Beagles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In case you were Snooping around.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Jun 19 11:29:54 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1584-03

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Congratulations, I guess. You have located a persistent incarnation who
never fails to avoid answering with your chosen words, but instead
reflects the supplicant's question intact, without any comment
whatever. Dozens of them.

Why do you allow this unwholesome monstrosity to clog your stream of
thought?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sometimes it works.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Jun 19 11:29:55 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1584-04

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Anyways, my teacher says there is no plural adverbs an I tell him hes
wrong. Its a grammer thing. Now you tell me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One moment while I check the hourlies.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Jun 19 11:29:56 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1584-05

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Einstein had a comical constant but he thought it was a blunder and he
never. It would have perdicted invisible energy that you can't detect.

All this physical stuff and math makes my head hurt.

Please give me a answer that feels good or at least is delicious. I am
tried of people telling me whats good for me. It makes my head hurt.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Albert Einstein
} Having drunk more than ein stein
} Invented a theory of gravity
} Oh! The depravity
}
} What Bertie left out
} quantum phys leaves us doubt
} Until things are done
} You should have all your fun
}
} Eating cakes and meringues
} when the scholarly harangues
} say that bosons exist
} or ethereal mist
}
} Have a candy, a beer
} and enjoy yourself dear
} The whole lot will collapse....
}
} Sooner or later.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Jun 19 11:29:57 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1584-06

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

"Make Money Fast" the ad said.

That word "fast" can have so very many meanings.

1. Stick in one place, as in Hold Fast.

2. Able to move quickly. I have a fast car.

3. Moving quickly. My car is going very fast.

4. Not eating. I am going to fast for a week.

5. Swiftly, starting right now.

I thought that I was getting example 5, above. Instead I got 3, and my money's draining away very fast.

How can I make the tiny amount of my money that remains fast as in
number 1, above? Tying it up with ropes sounds difficult.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you have misunderstood the basic economic concept of money.
} Money is an extremely abstract thing and so it can only be assessed as
} a token of value when traded. So in that sense, money can only ever
} have value when moving, although it need not move fast.
}
} You can anchor your money to some kind of fixed asset, these are often
} called securities for that reason. Most securities are offered by
} governments and large institutions. However, because they like spending
} your money fast, as you have discovered, they are not so secure as you
} imagine.
}
} Similarly, governments amd central banks like to starve you of money
} through taxation or by reducing the money supply, this makes your money
} very lean, which is why we say governments make money fast.
}
} What you obviously need is a secure fastener for your money. An elastic
} band works quite well, or a money clip, although I must warn you that
} coin clipping is illegal in most jurisdictions, so it only works for
} banknotes. And since a banknote is essentially just a promissory note
} written by the bank (that the bank owes you money), it may still not be
} as secure as it seems.
}
} What you really need to do is invest your money in someting unchanging,
} that has been around a long time, makes reliable forecasts and gives
} quick returns. In short, me.
}
} You owe the Oracle all your savings.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Jun 19 11:29:58 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1584-07

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oh Oracle, perrenial saviour
Could you please do me a favour
Leccy's short I need a euro
Franc or quid they all will fit
A deutchmark or a double bit
Just send a coin to feed the meter
And make my life a bit completer

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Money requests categorical
} Are hereby denied by the Oracle.
} Go find your own loot.
} I'm using my boot
} To kick you way back prehistorical.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Jun 19 11:29:59 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1584-08

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I just had a brilliant idea for something that'll make me, I mean make
US, a lot of money. But I forgot what it was.

So please remind me. And I didn't quite get all the details when I had
the idea, so fill them all in, because I don't want to be stuck with a brilliant idea that I can't implement. Like the time you told me to
collect rocks and sell them to idiots. I still have all those rocks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The combined confessional and photo booth. For three "Hail Mary's" and
} four Euros you are absolved of your sins and get, a short time later,
} some pictures of yourself looking suitably innocent and guiltless.
} Ideal for passports, driving licences, and so on.
}
} You owe the Oracle a golden share.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Jun 19 11:30:00 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1584-09

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I know I asked you about this before, but Physics is Hard! I need to understand the Coriolanus Force for my Modern Shakespeare class.
Please this time give me an explanation that takes into account your
immense wisdom compared to my yawning stupidity.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now child I beseech you, I don't want to preach you
} iambic pentameter, leonine style
} I could make a verse but you might be averse
} To my cryptic, syllabic old rile
}
} You'll have heard that old Will would, with his quiill
} Write most of his verse in pentameter
} But would vary his style - certain comics awhile
} Are just written in hex or tetrameter
}
} So the Bard's not a cert, you new physics pervert
} To demand of the long dead a a pass
} For your coming exam, He would say, Why, I am dam
} n'ed, now go stick it up your own. Ask:
}
} If you will, I will tell you that Coriolanus
} is quite much maligned, an extent that is heinous
} A good chap he was though old will painted dark
} And that is why now right today this malar-
}
} ey of force on the oceans, and plugholes and hence
} Is not worth a forint, a rupee or pence. All rumour you see've
} if youve wisdom as me. I rest for a moment. I am getting tense.
}
} The force that you seek is established but weak
} It is most equatorial, not near the poles. In teacups and basins
} it's outweighed by raisins, and reasons, and russians, and I cannot
} speak.
}
} Its force is quite negligible let it be said.
} Get that in your noggin, your grey mater, head.
} Repulsive, she tells me, I'm not on the course
} Oh. Lisa has just now served me a divorce.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good lawyer.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 27 Jun 19 11:30:01 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1584-10

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please elucidate the theory behind the deception involved in the
Appollo Moon Fake where the astronautes went to the sun but we were
told they all went to the moon. Oh, and because they landed on the sun
at night, how could they see? Nobody had invented LED eyeglasses back
then.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You see, the fakery started in the very name "astronaut", meaning "star
} navigator". Patently, astronauts (not lunarnauts, you notice) were
} headed for a star. Now if you happen to cast your eyes, sunglasses or
} not, around the heavens to pick a star to travel to, the Sun is the
} closest, by quite a margin, and is a fairly big target.
}
} The deception OF the astronauts was fairly simple. The missions were
} all set around eclipses, so that the moon would seem, at take-off, to
} be in the direct line of sight and so it was quite reasonable for them
} to surmise they were heading for the moon. Of course, after a couple of
} days' travel, the moon had moved around a bit and voila, the sun, bang
} on target as it had been all along.
}
} The question of landing at night, you have put the cart before the
} horse. During the day the sun gets very hot - some sources such as my
} Boy's Book of The Solar System say at the surface, 4000 degrees
} centigrade. Obviously this is way above the melting temperature of any
} metal, and composite materials had not been invented back in the 60s,
} so they had to land at night to make sure the spaceship didn't just
} melt in the heat. What you don't know - it's a bit of a cover up - is
} actually the Sun is only hot and bright on the side facing the Earth.
} On the other side, it is rather dark and nice and cool, and that's
} where they landed. Of course, because of radio interference from the
} corona and penumbra they could not send back any live pictures from the
} dark side of the Sun, this is known as a "radio blackout", and they did
} take some photographs but unfortunately, on their return to the bright
} side of the Sun, one of the astronauts dropped the film out of the
} camera and in the fierce light of the sun it got completely
} overdeveloped and there is not much to see except a fingerprint, which
} is believed to be that of...
}
} No I better not say. It's still all a bit hush-hush.
}
} Their illumination was provided by a couple of old car headlamps and a
} twelve volt battery. Not everything has to be sooper dooper hi tech you
} know.
}
} Suffice to say, we now know that the Sun definitely exists, so it was
} worth all of those billions of dollars to find that out, wasn't it?
}
} You owe the Oracle a better explanation.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1584 ******************************************

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