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Date: Thu, 09 May 19 15:12:38 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1583

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1583
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1578 17 votes 02375 21662 12572 01862 32732 03392 23642 02753 38231 53603
1578 3.2 mean 3.9 3.3 3.4 3.5 2.9 3.6 3.1 3.5 2.5 2.6

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 May 19 15:12:39 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1583-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What is gravity?

I know what levity is, and of course gravity is the opposite, but the
other way is umop episdn.

And how come you know these things when I don't?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple.
} Gravity is the force that keeps you stuck to the coach after eating
} all that stuff with gravy on it.
}
} You owe the Oracle some more turkey.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 May 19 15:12:40 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1583-02

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oh great and powerful Oracle,

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam
possit materiari?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Qvidqvid Latine dictvm sit altvm viditvr?
}
} ^Cu vi vere opinias, ke mi falos por la demando pri marmotoj nur ^car
} vi petis ^gin en la latina?
}
} ZOT! (Magia nuklea eksplodo.)

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 May 19 15:12:41 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1583-03

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Where will you and your college friends go for Spring Break this year?
I remember when you went to Cancun. What a disaster! This year will be somewhere else, I bet!

And are you still at the University of Indiana or now somewhere else
because you have your own email and don't have to use Kinzler's
account?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Scene: A tropical Island. The Oracle and his priests are gathered on
} the beach. The priests are all wearing matching itsy bitsy, tiny weeny
} yellow polka dot bikinis. Some of them look a bit uncomfortable, but
} most of them are too drunk to care. The Oracle himself may be wearing
} a speedo, but his enormous beer belly hangs so low it's impossible to
} tell for sure. They all stumble to their feet, and start staggering
} around in something that's probably supposed to resemble a dance. And
} then ... they all sing:)
}
} Yes, we have no more questions!
} We have-a no questions today!
} We've w**dch*cks, and in-jokes,
} null-questions, and drainers,
} And all sorts of fruitcakes.
}
} (A priest falls over, creating a domino effect, but the Oracle himself
} mysteriously manage to keep on his feet, while the rest ends up in a
} heap couching and spitting sand.)
}
} We have an old fashioned Zadoc,
} a Long Island pot-head!
} But yes, we have no more questions!
} We have no more questions today!

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 May 19 15:12:42 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1583-04

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

That oxymoron you sent me is slightly tremendous. Many thanks for
nothing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, it was my only choice.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 May 19 15:12:43 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1583-05

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Tellme all about the cold serial.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's what you already know, plus the addition of the latest episode, in
} which Captain Crunch gets his teeth hung up on the oxygen-free copper
} 2600 whistle he bought at an Antique Hacker Reunion.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Parallel Universal Joint, a fully-paid lifetime
} membership in both TMRC and MITSFS, and all 2600 copies of the BSTJ
} that do not even exist.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 May 19 15:12:44 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1583-06

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

O Great Oracle of the Immense Past, I am writing to you from the year
99,995. As you are undoubtedly aware, with your nearly infinite age,
humanity encountered and weathered the Y2K problem, the 2038 problem,
and the Y10K problem. I am now the Chief Luminary of Timekeeping and of
Flesh and Robotic Life (CLTK&FRL) here in the Galactic New-hebrides.
Sort of to the left of the Pleides, if you're standing not too far from
where you should have been.

Anyway, we are tasked with solving the Y100K problem, and need advice,
such as, "Go ahead and solve the YnK problem while you are at it."
Observe that the YnK problem is specified badly, so solutions will
inherently contain built-in failures, generally unexpected ones. Like
the New Mexico Inquisition, to borrow something from your time and
space.

Please send me something that looks like a solution. I need to hand it
in tomorrow. You needn't fret too hard about this problem because my
term expires in three years, so I won't be held accountable for the inevitable failure.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You obviously need to find that one COBOL-programmer who is still
} alive. Then make a million clones (Which you should no doubt have
} discovered how to do by Y100K.) Obviously the clones will only be
} five years old when you need them, but that's not actually an
} advantage. They'll require less pay.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 May 19 15:12:45 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1583-07

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I am standing here waiting for the free beer. Am I in the right place?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, this is where the bears are waiting for their free lunch.
} Well, they WERE waiting.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 May 19 15:12:46 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1583-08

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

All right, who drained the queue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That would be Drew Quaynor. He's been absent for a long time, hence the
} warning notice.
}
} You owe the Oracle more and better supplicants.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 May 19 15:12:47 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1583-09

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

There is a city in Russia or the USSR or one of those places that is
spelled LVIV, which is clearly a Roman Numeral, but done wrong. I am
trying to decode it. It come out to 50-5-4, which would be 59 maybe,
changing the spelling to LIX, which evokes memories of Tootsie Roll
Pops.

Please tell me the history of using Noman Rumerals to name citys.

Or it you can't do that (because of how stupid I am when i try to be a supplican't) then explain something completely different. Maybe this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiVOG199X2c

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The first ever city was called I. Much confusion was had when the
} architects were holding a competition to name the city. Voters wanted
} to call it Towny McTown Face, but this was ruled inappropriate by Mr
} McTowny, the mayor, who was sensitive about his face. When the city
} elders overruled the vote and decided to call it 'I', the following
} exchange resulted:
}
} Interviewer: So, you want to call this city 'I'?
} City elder: 'I', aye, that's correct.
} Interviewer: What, you now want to call it aye-aye? Like the lemur?
} City elder: No, just I.
} Interviewer: But you said II.
} City elder: Aye, I said 'I', aye.
} Interviewer: This conversation is getting silly.
} City elder: Aye.
}
} Fun fact: The city of Milan was completed in 1049 C.E.
} Lima was completed in 1049 B.C.E.
}
} Cixi, in China, was due to be completed in 109 C.E., but painting the
} road signs took longer than expected, and was only completed in 110
} C.E.
}
} Another fun fact: The city centre of Liverpool is 54 feet below
} sea-level. The Beatles' hit 'Yellow submarine' was composed in John
} Lennon's bath, 50 feet below Yoko Ono.
}
} Unrelated fact: Liza Minnelli's top half is 51, and her bottom half is
} 1001.
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of a lumberjack wearing better safety
} equipment than suspenders and a bra.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 09 May 19 15:12:48 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1583-10

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Last week I learned about James Chadwick, the physicist who discovered
the neutron. He was born in 1891, which means that if he had not died
he would still be alive.

What other notable people who have died would still be alive if they
had not? What would they have discovered?

(I'm really hoping for some famous mathematician, perhaps Galois, to
have recently discovered how to divide by zero, so that I'll get a good
mark in my calculus examination. Otherwise my answer that "calculus is impossible because it requires dividing by zero" will result in total failure.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Isaac Newton would have invented a door-flap to allow drones to come
} in through a closed door to drop Apple products on his head.
}
} Thomas Edison would have invented a way of stealing patents from
} people who use light-bulbs as a 'source of inspiration' illustration
} in comics.
}
} Pythagoras would have invented a a way of calculating how long a
} love-triangle started on Tinder would last.
}
} Francis Bacon would have invented a way of detecting plagiarism in
} English students' essays on Shakespeare.
}
} Noah, full of guilt, would have invented a way of keeping Ark-bound
} unicorns from jumping overboard.
}
} And, lastly, Jesus would have invented a way of telling everyone that
} that's not what he actually meant and would everyone please just be
} nice to each other, OK?
}
} You owe the Oracle a free pass out of Hell (somewhere In Norway) for
} that last one.

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1583 ******************************************

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