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Date: Mon, 24 Dec 18 20:23:43 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1582

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1582
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1577 18 votes 02781 13644 10773 01917 04734 10656 54531 24651 32643 15624
1577 3.3 mean 3.4 3.4 3.6 3.8 3.4 3.8 2.5 2.9 3.1 3.2

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Dec 18 20:23:44 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1582-01

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Hello, my name Aleksander Przybyszewski. Good Polish name. I try to
get job as Pole Dancer but they reject me. Telling me only girls can
apply and is okay even girls who not Polish. Maybe you hire me as Pole Dancer? I can even do Ukrainian dance too. Like hopak dance you
already know very athletic. I wait you help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You really need to improve your repertoire. Can I suggest you learn
} some of the following other European dances:
}
} Czech Dance: That weird ceremony where you pretend to be really
} generous in offering to pay for your date's meal but secretly don't
} want to.
}
} UK Dance: That weird ceremony where your Prime Minister dances at her
} party's conference and pretends to want Brexit, but secretly doesn't.
}
} Swedish Dance: Like a Pole dance, but while wearing turnips.
}
} Vatican Dance: Euphemism for the withdrawal method of contraception.
}
} Turkey Dance: That thing at Thanksgiving where you freak out your
} vegan friend by pretending that the food has come back to life.
}
} Belgium Dance: Dance like nobody's watching. Oh, wait, they're not.
} Because no-one cares what you do. Like Belgium.
}
} Italian Dance: How to distract a Mafia godfather.
}
} Swiss Dance: Done with precision, with a sensation of melted
} chocolate. Typically used as a numbing technique at an assisted dying
} clinic.
}
} Maltese Dance: Maximum footwork effort in order to make your partner's
} corns hurt. It's how you make a Maltese Cross.
}
} Irish Dance: Dance like you're holding two incredibly heavy bags of
} potatoes in either hand, and are running away from the British,
} frequently looking over your shoulder.
}
} Greece Dance: Not sure I know this one. Tell me more, tell me more,
} does it go very far?
}
} You owe the Oracle a dance from Lapland.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Dec 18 20:23:45 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1582-02

Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Thank you for the bottle of invisible ink. I put it down somewhere and
now I can't find it. Where is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've got plenty more of that, and to prove it, I'm gonna write the
} instructions on how to obtain more using it:

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Dec 18 20:23:46 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1582-03

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Well, where's the fun in that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As always, the fun is in trying to render it into a palindrome. Many
} palindromes just don't quite work. For example you might like to
} consider A MAN A PLAN A CANAL: SUEZ. Or ABLE WAS I ERE I SAW WATERLOO.
} Or perhaps you would prefer to avoid thinking about them. Too late.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nut for a jar of tuna.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Dec 18 20:23:47 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1582-04

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I told my friend Sam about you and he says I am mental. He says you are mental too. How mental are we?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Experi

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Dec 18 20:23:48 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1582-05

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Orrie, Orrie, Orrie, you've gotta help me now.

Bet on the Red Sox to lose the Pennant, generally a sure thing, good
for LOTS of money if I place the bets with guys I meet in bars in
Southie. Your yourself encouraged me by suggesting I study math better.

Well, they won the Pennant, so I bet on them to lose the Series, four
games to zip. Brooklyn (now Los Angeles) has always been a true
powerhouse of baseball.

Goddam Red Sox won the Series, today (29 October). I now owe about
$275,000 to a bunch of guys in Southie all of whom carry a mean
baseball bat.

What should I do now? Maybe hide in your castle and pretend to be you?
Or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I see you have met Orrie-corp's Southie branch. Always happy to
} meet a satisfied customer! Say 'hi' to Og and Thag when you get back,
} they've done an excellent job since I put them in charge. Anyway, you
} should have followed my suggestion about math, because you have
} calculated the accumulated per-day interest for the last month all
} wrong. You need to do it by hand, since most computers just don't
} have enough bits to prevent an overflow error.
}
} I should have added an 'You owe the Oracle ...'-line here but you
} already know that.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Dec 18 20:23:49 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1582-06

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Should I tell them what I put in it before they taste it, or after?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While they are taking that first bite.
}
} Reminder: Calculate the range of projectile vomiting ahead of time so
} that you can be certain you are out of range. Watch videos of people
} trying to eat surstromming for a better understanding of the concept.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sure-fire method of spelling "surstromming" that
} supplies the necessary umlaut of the "o" while not running afoul the
} the Oracle's extremely limited character set.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Dec 18 20:23:50 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1582-07

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

This is horrible, horrible, horrible. I wanted to ask you about the
country called Trinidad and Tobago. Yes it is just one place but it is
named double.

Ufnortunately I spell-chucked myself into writing Trinity and Tabasco. Because the question was broken, I did not send it. Or did I? Not even
your famed omniscience could know the answer, because even if I did
send it you might have not received it, or vice reversal.

So instead tell me something that is probably probable.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear suppleness,
}
} The Oration has constabled your quest.
}
} In these busy danes, it is very diffident to ensure that all the
} contexts of an email mess are corruptly spilled. Your receptacle is
} therefrom unlucky to be consigned whether the spell was accumulated or
} not.
}
} In the unlucky evening they dud actuately rescind it, they probably
} stacked it strait into the tractor.
}
} Your missing is impotent to us.
} The Oration.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Dec 18 20:23:51 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1582-08

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I crossed my eyes and dotted my Tees. Now I have spotted T-shirts that
I can't see clearly. Why do I accept your advice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mostly for the Instagram followers.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Dec 18 20:23:52 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1582-09

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

We are sposed to bisect a frog for bioligy class. Yuck. Maybe if I
make a joke like you told me about OPEN TOAD shoes I will get throne
out of class before we start.

What do you suggest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Work on your spelling, and the frog might change into a handsome
} blueprints.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Dec 18 20:23:53 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1582-10

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Hey Orrie. I do hope you realize what big trouble you're in!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course, of course. I am even more omniscient than you think I am, so
} I know that sort of thing far better than you could ever dream of. I
} even know how to use more than one preposition to end a sentence up
} with. How's THAT for smarts?
}
} As for the specific trouble, it was competition from Yahoo Answers that
} originally had me worried, but as you know that place has become a nest
} of trolls who have escaped their original hiding places, such as
} Norway, Minnesota, South Dakota, and other slow states, and are now
} asking some of the most stupid questions ever seen (or unseen) in any
} universe.
}
} What I need is quality, not quantity.
}
} You owe the Oracle 10,000 supplicants who actually have brains. Yes,
} yes, I know we are struggling against zombies who eat the brains of
} potential supplicants--just look at some of the recent
} supplications--but we can overcome that with extra effort. As the late
} and almost incomparable Anna Russell said, "We must all get behind
} ourselves and PUSH!" You may, if you desire, compare Russell to Lehrer
} or to Flanders & Swann, but to no one else.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1582 ******************************************

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