• Internet Oracularities Digest #1581

    From oracle-request@internetoracle.org@21:1/5 to All on Sun Nov 18 21:28:08 2018
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    Date: Sun, 18 Nov 18 16:27:56 -0500
    From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
    Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1581

    To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
    to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
    B Kinzler.)

    Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
    on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
    number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
    For example:
    1581
    2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

    1576 18 votes 04545 32373 32751 11358 25722 22464 13248 36513 24471 22761
    1576 3.3 mean 3.6 3.3 2.9 4.0 2.8 3.4 3.8 2.7 3.1 3.1

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    Date: Sun, 18 Nov 18 16:27:57 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1581-01

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    I kept Elephant Butt on my right as you suggested. Now I am seeing
    tigers everywhere. This is Africa, right? Right when I left the road
    in Raleigh at Six Forks? I keep thinking, "Six Forks, Three Spoons, a Butterknife, and a Fingerbowl."

    What are you drinking when you see questions like this?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } *looks at map*
    } *zooms in*
    } *enhances*
    }
    } No, unfortunately, it's not Africa. I know Africa--I've blessed the
    } rains there.
    }
    } If you're seeing tigers, you've overshot Africa altogether, and you're
    } on the Indian subcontinent. You should have been seeing lions. But not
    } white lions. They went missing in the 80s. Made the children cry.
    } Heaven knows we tried...
    }
    } Anyway, you're also chanting the wrong mantra. That one's on me: there
    } was a mixup in the mantra distribution chamber. Those responsible have
    } been sacked. Then the sacks were weighted and thrown into the river
    } Styx (domo arigato for that).
    }
    } "Six Forks, Three Spoons, a Butterknife, and a Fingerbowl" was the
    } mantra for a *squints* Guy Fieri. Whoever that is. Apparently he needed
    } a name for a new TV show.
    }
    } Your mantra is much simpler: "Around the world, around the world.
    } Around the world, around the world."
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Jameson and a copy of the Tron: Legacy
    } soundtrack, now available on 8 track or cassette wherever music is
    } sold.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Sun, 18 Nov 18 16:27:58 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1581-02

    Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    What's the deal with that one level? If you don't do it the right way,
    the game crashes!

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } If you don't light the lamp you fall into a pit and break every bone in
    } your body.
    }
    } Oh, and the bird scares the snake. No, it's the other way around.
    }
    } You are in a maze of twisty, little C++ libraries, all different.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Sun, 18 Nov 18 16:27:59 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1581-03

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    I am afraid. I am afraid that I heard someone say Natasha. Boris and
    Natasha. That means I am occluding with Russia, just like Trvmp. This
    time for shure!

    When will I be found quilty?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } You're quilty? I feel sheepish.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Sun, 18 Nov 18 16:28:00 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1581-04

    Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Lord, is it eye?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } No. Perhaps it is i++ or ++i.
    }
    } Lord begins with "L" which is 50. Christ begins with "C" which is 100,
    } and is also a pretty good programming language, if you manage memory
    } allocation correctly in your larger projects, and if you try to avoid
    } being too clever.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle some neat programs in which you use autoincrementing
    } and autodecrementing while trying to accomplish loop control, using
    } side effects on globals inside a single "for" or "while" expression
    } with an empty set of consequent statements.
    }
    } Alternatively, you may try to owe the Oracle your comprehension of the
    } "L" Compiler Hyperbook.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Sun, 18 Nov 18 16:28:01 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1581-05

    Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    8 October 1989: The Usenet Oracle is released upon
    the world with introductory postings to alt.sex,
    alt.sources, misc.misc, news.misc, rec.humor and
    rec.misc.

    Just a little over a year to the big XXX. Got any plans?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Resurrection of dead supplicants.
    }
    } As you may have noticed, or perhaps failed to notice, today's
    } supplicants are of smaller number and far worse quality than those
    } of thirty or even twenty years ago.
    }
    } They are dying.
    }
    } The snotty and insincere C programmers who contributed questions
    } such as those in Oracularities 73 are not the same ones, mostly, in
    } Oracularities 1573. They (the snotty ones) have retired from computers
    } and gone on to places like British Colombia (see 73-02) where they
    } have given up on raising goats or fishing for squid, and now live in
    } Difficult Circumstances, which is a small town near Kamloops and thus
    } pretty far from everywhere, with no internet connection and a large
    } and growing graveyard. That situation is not conducive to creation
    } of good collaborative fiction.
    }
    } Those who have not died or retired into oblivion have been swallowed up
    } by Fingerprintbook. Their brains are the property of Mark Fingerbird.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle the active recruitment of some fresh meat.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Sun, 18 Nov 18 16:28:02 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1581-06

    Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    I am interested in medicine, but I don't want to waste years studying anatomy, taking apart dead people, and all that. So I'm planning to
    become a phrenologist. Please tell me how to get into the best schools
    for Phrenology.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } The best school for Phrenology is Paul Bouts University in Rwanda.
    } Although until recently, they did have a rather serious problem
    } with rats.Applicants must have an undergraduate degree in Racism
    } or Pseudoscience. For that, I recommend American University in
    } Washington D.C. Their proximity to so many racist practitioners
    } of Pseudoscience heavily under the influence of the Dunning-Kruger
    } effect makes it an ideal location for study.Space is very limited so
    } you must also demonstrate extracurricular activities in clubs such
    } as Vanguard America.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a convincing argument for why *it* can't happen
    } here and a version of America where this answer is funny instead of
    } sad and scary.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Sun, 18 Nov 18 16:28:03 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1581-07

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    As I complained to you last week or before I work for a large
    electronics company. They make things like FPGAs (whatever they are)
    and stuff like that. I am in the purchasing department, and it is my
    job to save the company money by specifying cheaper alternatives for
    devices the engineers want to buy.

    Now I am in trouble. They wanted mosfets and I got a very good deal on
    mouse feets, which sounds like nearly the same thing.

    Please tell me what I should do to save my job.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } First, find a specialty grocery: They might take your spare mouse feet
    } off your hands and let you recoup most of the money. Certain cuisines
    } treasure them as a delicacy.
    }
    } Second, place your replacement order carefully. Do not get:
    } - Mos Eisely (a den of villainy)
    } - Bobba Fett (not a component, except of a band of bounty hunters)
    } - mouse pads (they just lie there)
    } - mouse droppings (see mouse pads)
    } - mouse fits (epilepsy doesn't relate to electronics)
    }
    } Do get:
    } - a better parts catalog (and non-biological parts)
    } - a better dictionary
    } - A mouse-feet souffle as your fee for the Oracle.

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    Date: Sun, 18 Nov 18 16:28:04 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1581-08

    Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    From a quiet yogurt tank, deep in the darkest part of the Dardanelles,
    I send you my supplication.

    How did I get here?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Dear Prentice Hall!
    }
    } I am writing this to tell you that the title of my newest book,
    } 'Getting rid of bad supplicants - a 100 ways that doesn't work.' now
    } will have to change. Please replace the number '100' with '101' in
    } all the relevant material.
    }
    } Sincerely, T. I. Oracle.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Sun, 18 Nov 18 16:28:05 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1581-09

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    I told my friend Sam about you and he says I am mental. He says you are mental too. How mental are we?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Senti.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Sun, 18 Nov 18 16:28:06 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1581-10

    Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    I have heard it is allot easier being young like me rather than old
    like you. I have also herd that the chances of dyeing get less as you
    get older because very few people die after the age of 110.

    Please give me the secret of staying young forever while I get older
    and smarter but also having the Wisdom Of Age right now, like you
    probably have which makes you sort of omniscient or smart more or less.

    Also tell me what it was like to be a very young Oracle. You were
    probabably a <know it all> and annoyed your parents something terrible.
    So tell me about that, too.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } I came from Greece I had a thirst for knowledge
    } I studied culture at Valhalla College
    } That's where I,
    } Caught her eye
    }
    } She told me that her dad was Odin
    } I said "In that case make me all-knowing."
    } She said "Fine."
    } And in thirty seconds time she said,
    }
    } "I wanna harvest fallen heroes,
    } I wanna get my sisters involved too.
    } I wanna sleep with fallen heroes,
    } and pasty internet celebs like you."
    } Well what else could I do
    } I said "I'll see what I can do."
    }
    } To cut a long story short it ended so badly that now nobody in the
    } Death business will have anything to do with me.
    }
    } *shrug* I sure am broken up about that.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a cover of "Year 2000" by the Einherjar Marching
    } Band. What they lack in talent they make up for in crazed bloodlust.

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    End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1581 ******************************************

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