• Internet Oracularities Digest #1580

    From oracle-request@internetoracle.org@21:1/5 to All on Tue Aug 28 13:16:47 2018
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    Date: Tue, 28 Aug 18 09:16:34 -0500
    From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
    Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1580

    To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
    to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
    B Kinzler.)

    Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
    on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
    number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
    For example:
    1580
    2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

    1575 16 votes 02536 03544 11383 01474 02455 03454 12643 03661 12364 11563
    1575 3.6 mean 3.8 3.6 3.7 3.9 3.8 3.6 3.4 3.3 3.6 3.6

    ------------------------------

    Date: Tue, 28 Aug 18 09:16:35 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1580-01

    Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    I told you I was devastavated and you corrected me and said I was
    deviated or something.

    Why do I always have to be wrong?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Because you are not me.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Tue, 28 Aug 18 09:16:36 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1580-02

    Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    I thought I had 12 pairs of socks. That would be 24 socks. But I can
    only find 19. Some of them are Polka Dot Socks, and some are Argyle
    Socks. The missing ones are "Argon" socks because they are gone.

    Because you know half of everything (you told me so yourself) you know
    where half my missing socks are.

    Where are 2.5 missing socks?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } A pair of polka-dotted socks are in your back yard. Specifically, you
    } will find 0.81 socks in your dog's kennel, 0.18 in it's stomach and
    } some threads between its teeth. Someone has not been a good boy.
    }
    } The other one is near the yard's fence, claimed by a colony of fire
    } ants as their territory. I would advise you to mail them a cease and
    } desist letter and a fire extinguisher to make them give it up.
    }
    } The remaining 0.5 socks got burnt at the fireplace and mixed with some
    } actual argon in the atmosphere, so they really are gone now.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle 0.7777..(recursive) live fire ants.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Tue, 28 Aug 18 09:16:37 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1580-03

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    I wanted to say I need help today, but instead I wrote, "I need help
    toady," and my spellchecker din't catch it.

    What I got was an answer from Zadoc instead of from you. I guess he is
    your toady, but still, he is a lousy substitute for a Real Oracle such
    as yourself.

    Oh, and just now my spellchecker complained about the word "din't" as
    it should have, and also about the word spellchecker, which seems kind
    of silly, but in today's world (NOT toady's world) of increasingly
    invasive microelectronics you just have to suspect almost everything.

    What's the best way to round up the usual suspects if you have 3.5 of
    them 4 example? Also besides the point you should help me be a better supplicant, not what I asked last year when I was wrong.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Today, science tells us . . . well, nothing, because it's not a person.
    } It's not conscious. Consciousness consists of quantum bio-feedback
    } psychic energy that hippies have talked about while high. Only people
    } can say things. Throughout history, humans have been interacting with
    } the infinite via bio-electricity, especially after a Jaegermeister
    } bender. We are in the midst of an advanced deepening of science that
    } will become our stepping-stone to the world itself. We are at a
    } crossroads of complexity and greed. Either one will do.
    }
    } We dream, we exist, we are reborn. In the meantime we buy lots of
    } quality products for modern living from catalogs. The solar system is
    } electrified with ultra-sentient particles that are mostly made of
    } meringue filling. To embark on the vision quest is to become one with
    } it. Oh, and by the way...energy, energy, spiritual, spiritual.
    }
    } You may be ruled by pain without realizing it. Do not let it destroy
    } the growth of your path, or any other strange and interesting growth
    } for that matter. Turbulence is born in the gap where transcendence has
    } been excluded, and during a flight from NY to LA. Where there is greed,
    } power cannot thrive, and so greedy power must ultimate confound itself
    } right in the Machiavelli.
    }
    } Reality has always been buzzing with beings whose bodies are nurtured
    } by nature. The nurturing of these buzzing beings is blamed for backward
    } bouncing because balance is boasted of by bubbly belchers beckoning
    } backward to breathtaking breast-feeders with bodacious bell-bottoms.
    } Boy, oh boy!
    }
    } To be Being, look within and empower yourself and you shall be that
    } being which is a being which, in its being cares for its Being. It can
    } be difficult to know where to begin. The grid is calling to you via
    } supercharged electrons. Can you hear it? Then you need help.
    }
    } We are being called to explore the stratosphere of advanced bituminous
    } bits of brain itself as an interface between guidance and
    } transcendence. The galaxy is approaching a tipping point. We must learn
    } how to lead divine lives in the face of illusion, especially since it
    } isn't.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Tue, 28 Aug 18 09:16:38 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1580-04

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Teacher want's us to do a retort on "Under Milkweed" by Bob Dylan.

    How do I get her declared mental? So they will take her away?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } OK, class, come to order!
    }
    } I'm Mr Oracle, and..
    }
    } *ZOT*
    } I SAID, COME TO ORDER, TIMMY, AND I DON'T GIVE SECOND WARNINGS!
    }
    } Anyway as I was saying, thanks to the supplicant here, I will be your
    } substitute teacher for the next year and a half while your ordinary
    } teacher is on sick leave.
    }
    } We are short on time, so let's get down to business. First, the
    } homework. By 8AM sharp tomorrow, I want a 27411 word comparison on
    } the differences in modes of expressions between the complete Internet
    } Oracularities, Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace and President William Henry
    } Harrison's inaugural address.
    }
    } *ZOT* KEEP QUIET! NO OBJECTIONS!
    }
    } So, now that we are done with that, the rest of today classes have
    } been replaced with a 6 hour combined exam on using Taylor series and
    } Fourier transformations to express the Theory of special relativity,
    } pre-Cambrian religion and medieval Chinese erotic writings. This will
    } account for 100% of your marks in maths, physics, chemistry, religion,
    } English and history.
    }
    } *ZOT* I SAID NO OBJECTIONS! NO SECOND WARNINGS!
    }
    } No toilet breaks allowed during the exam, but feeling kind, I'll give
    } you 5 minutes pause before we start.
    }
    } Let's get to work, and after class, I want everyone to remember to
    } thank the supplicant thoroughly for making this come through.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Tue, 28 Aug 18 09:16:39 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1580-05

    Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    My sines teacher says we could save energy with Pumped Hydrogen
    Storage. I aksed her how an she said don't be a racist iddiot.

    What kind of iddiot should I be?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } You should be a village idiot. The village idiot has a vital role to
    } play in a modern rural society, where there is a very real need for
    } someone whom almost anyone can look down on and ridicule. Village
    } idiots provide a vital psycho-social service for the communities in
    } which they live, roll around on the ground going, "OO-ARR! OO-ARR!" and
    } scratching themselves. The pay is excellent. A really blithering idiot,
    } (and I feel very strongly that you are one) receives bits of string,
    } wood, dead budgerigars, sparrows, and even handfuls of mud. The
    } interest on a handful of mud is, of course, negligible. However, the
    } yearly salary of a truly blithering village idiot also includes
    } personal appearance fees amounting to six piles of rotten donkeys per
    } year. And of course, from Idioting you can move directly in Law or even
    } Public Office. After all, since 1930 it is illegal for anyone to run
    } for President unless they have served as a village idiot for at least
    } four years.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Tue, 28 Aug 18 09:16:40 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1580-06

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    The other supplicants don't care about you like I do!

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Exactly! It's even worse than you think. Many times you ARE the other
    } supplicant.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a whole battleship full of new supplicants. Or maybe
    } a blimp full. Easier to park near Bloomington.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Tue, 28 Aug 18 09:16:41 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1580-07

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    404 Supplicant not found.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } OK, from now on I'm gonna demand payment in advance.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Tue, 28 Aug 18 09:16:42 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1580-08

    Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    I way too much. Maybe I should get barometric sugary. Chop out some of
    my blubber stomick. How much?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } No.
    } The best way to lose weight is obviously to join Orrie's Temple,
    } Consultant Services and Gym.
    } For only $200/Month you'll get free access to:
    } * Unique cooking, developed by an European master chef (aka 'Zadoc's
    } Volcano Arse'-diet)
    } * Unique exercises, such as
    } * The Hamster-wheel power generator.
    } * 10k shuffle-on-your-knees.
    } * Daily Get-rid-of-the-bodies runs
    } * Zotting craters repair&refill.
    } * Audience room scrubbing and supplicant remains removal. (They
    } stick to the roof.)
    } * Unique Fear-of-ZOT-based motivation.
    } * Unique 'Full satisfaction or twice the ZOT'-guarantee.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Tue, 28 Aug 18 09:16:43 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1580-09

    Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Yet ANOTHER week just like the other ones! Can't I please have some
    different days next week? I am so sick and tried of the usual MTWTFSS
    days.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Shhhhhh; keep your voice down. Do you *want* to start another
    } diplomatic incident?
    }
    } What do you mean, 'what's this got to do with diplomacy'? Don't you
    } have *any* idea the problems we faced last time someone tried to
    } change the days of the week?
    }
    } Clearly you don't. It might make things clearer if I send you a
    } transcript of what happened...
    }
    } * BEGINS *
    }
    } Supreme Overlord Of Time and Years: OK, simmer down. I call to order
    } this meeting of all known European gods to decide who gets naming
    } privileges for the days of the week. First, apologies for absence?
    }
    } Clerk: Only from Yahweh. He's stuck on a mountain in Sinai, apparently.
    } Again.
    }
    } SOOTY: Thank Pete for that. As you know, there are only seven days to
    } go around, and there's 127 of you, so some of you are going to be
    } disappointed. First up, 'Sunday'. I think we all agree that until the
    } humans start harnessing Sagittarius for power, nothing will beat the
    } Sun.
    }
    } Concordia: Isn't Yahweh going to be a bit annoyed about that? I mean,
    } the whole 'resurrection on the first day' thing, means he thinks he
    } has a claim on it.
    }
    } SOOTY: Yeah, well, he should have made the effort to be here. Look, if
    } it helps, we can pretend we wanted to call it "Son" day after Jason,
    } or whatever his name is, but Clerk here misheard and spelt it Sun.
    } Sorry to drop you in it, Clerk.
    }
    } Clerk: Not a problem, your honour.
    }
    } SOOTY: Right, next up, Moon. No, that wasn't an instruction Bacchus;
    } pull your trousers back up. Any objections? No, let's move on. Two
    } contenders for the next one. Mars and Tyr.
    }
    } Mars: Tyr and I have sorted this one out. We had a duel and he won
    } single handedly. Well he couldn't do much else, could he? Sorry, Tyr,
    } just a joke.
    }
    } Tyr: So, everyone north of Denmark will call it Tyr's day, and
    } everyone south will call it Mars Day.
    }
    } SOOTY: Thank you; nice to see some collaboration on this. Next up, day
    } 4? Two contenders again. Odin, you speak first.
    }
    } Odin: Thank you. I think that this whole meeting has become too
    } Roman-centric. The northerners have not been listened to, and you're
    } all just a bunch of overpaid, unelected gods who don't understand the
    } local concerns of hard-working northerners.
    }
    } * Collective groans; and mutterings *
    }
    } SOOTY: Order, order. Will you all SHUT UP! Priapus, if you have
    } something to say, stand up and say it. Janus, turn around, I don't
    } want to see the back of your head. Cloacina, stop talking
    } you-know-what. Can we hear from Mercury?
    }
    } Mercury: Yes, I would be happy to concede naming to Odin for the
    } north, but I think that the south should not be held to ransom by such
    } a small part of the Roman Empire.
    }
    } SOOTY: OK, we'll put it to the vote. In favour of Mercury's proposal?
    } Thank you? Against?
    }
    } Clerk: I make that 52% in favour of Mercury, and 48% against.
    }
    } SOOTY: OK, Mercury wins. So that's Merc's day in the south and Odin's
    } day in the north. Day five?
    }
    } * Loud rumblings are heard *
    }
    } SOOTY: Yes, Robigo, it's nearly lunchtime. Oh sorry, that was Thor and
    } Jupiter having a little scrap, was it? Since we don't have time to
    } wait for one of them to surrender, let's split it as before.
    }
    } Clerk: Point of order; we don't seem to have fulfilled our diversity
    } quota. Four days out of five so far have gone to male deities.
    }
    } SOOTY: Oh, Frigg it. Sorry, she prefers Freya these days. Any other
    } contenders? Sit down Juno, you've got a whole month. At the moment,
    } anyway. Naenia, stop crying. Right, Freya it is.
    }
    } SOOTY: OK, one left. It's nearly lunchtime, so we'll make this quick.
    } Someone wake up Somnus, would they? I think Suadela managed to get a
    } consensus on this one earlier, so we'll go with Saturn, shall we?
    }
    } Clerk: That's unanimous.
    }
    } * Shouts are heard as Thor and Jupiter re-enter the chamber, still
    } brawling. They accidentally push into Pax, who thumps Thor over the
    } head. Meanwhile, Averruncus anoints Jupiter with something
    } unmentionable from Sterquilinus's bag. The whole chamber descends into
    } chaos. *
    }
    } * ENDS *
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a good excuse not to have to go to the meeting on
    } naming months.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Tue, 28 Aug 18 09:16:44 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1580-10

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    We've all heard of Project Orion, which was to have developed nuclear spacecraft, powered by small atomic bombs.

    Today, however, I want to ask you about Project O'Brian, which dealt
    with a small but explosive nuclear family. They emigrated from IreLand
    to America shortly after the Vodka Famine of 1853, and promptly
    disappeared, leaving nothing but guesses. And a large hole in the
    ground where their house had been.

    Please tell me additional and delicious details, the kind of stuff
    that sells supermarket tabloids.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } From the East Virginia Gazeteer, 1854:
    }
    } Farmer Higgs' Field Destroyed By Aliens!
    }
    } Around 3:30am yesterday morning, Farmer Higgs, who won last year's
    } most productive dairy award, courtesy of his wife and cousin, Mary,
    } was woken by a massive bang. The house being rented by his tenants,
    } the O'Brians, had completely vanished. Farmer Higgs said, "Ah woke up
    } in mah bed, which was unusual for me as mah wife usually makes me
    } sleep with the couch. Ah looked outta window, and saw 'La Grange'
    } [French for 'The Grange' - Ed] was gone."
    }
    } The O'Brian family had moved in the previous year, and mostly kept
    } themselves to themselves. Although originally from Ireland, only Mr
    } O'Brian was green; his wife and son were red and blue. Their cat,
    } Mew-on, was often found fighting other toms in the area, until he was
    } given the snip and was then called Mew-on neutrino.
    }
    } Their daughter, who was a regularly attractive woman, would have been
    } considered a standard model, but for her unfortunate attitude. She
    } campaigned for women's rights, which confused Mayor Thomas: "Ah never
    } rightly understood these so-called fermion-ists. Ah mean, she wanted
    } equal rights for women, but they've always had the same rights as mah
    } old horse Flossie."
    } [ Mayor Thomas's sale of riding crops, glue, and delicious
    } horse-burgers will be held this Saturday. ]
    }
    } Following the appearance of the large hole, which Sheriff Richards is
    } looking into, it has emerged that the O'Brians' long-lost cousin,
    } Barry O'Nick arrived at the house late that night and had a strong
    } interaction that resulted in an argument and the high-energy
    } scattering of his family to the top and bottom of the county.
    }
    } The local minister, The Reverend Gell-Mann, said that there was
    } clearly a dark energy pervading the whole family, and that St Paul's
    } exclusion principle should have been applied: "Thou shalt not let an
    } antiquark under thy roof."
    }
    } In Saturday's edition: Is Ellen Presley the Queen of Rock-cakes and
    } Bread-rolls?
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a subscription.

    ------------------------------

    End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1580 ******************************************

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