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Date: Wed, 28 Feb 18 20:31:33 -0500
From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1577

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1577
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1572 18 votes 35541 03573 26631 09540 33660 22536 11655 26460 47511 16452
1572 3.0 mean 2.7 3.6 2.7 2.7 2.8 3.5 3.7 2.8 2.3 3.1

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Date: Wed, 28 Feb 18 20:31:34 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1577-01

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I'm so depressed. All the girls I've asked out say the same thing:
"leave me alone or I'll get a restraining order".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are fans of William Shakespeare. Expound immediately with
} Portia's speech, "The quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth
} as the gentle rain from heaven." (Act IV, Scene 1) Compare
} Deuteronomy 32:2.
}
} Tell those girls about Portia. You have a choice of several ways:
}
} 1. "I'll go out with Portia instead, and THEN you'll be sorry!"
}
} 2. Or with Mercy instead of Portia.
}
} 3. Explain the meaning of "strained" and how it has nothing to do the
} current situation, or with kitchen utensils.
}
} 4. Bring up the Authorship Question. If not Shakespeare from
} Stratford, then WHOM WROTE IT? (Always use WHOM, not who, because it
} makes you look more refined or restrained or something.) Marlow?
} Oxford? Bacon? Hamm? The possibilities are nearly endless.
}
} 5. Offer them a ride in your Porsche. Remember that it's pronounced
} Portia, not porch.
}
} 6. Return to the Authorship Question, but this time focus more
} precisely on Roger Bacon (1214-1292). How could he have written
} Shakespeare's works while he was dead? Go on at length about Raising
} The Dead and your serious desire to re-establish a truly loving bond
} without restraint.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 28 Feb 18 20:31:35 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1577-02

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

In honour of my favourite Oracle I have decided to improve the English language.

You've already seen the wacky proposals to eliminate unnecessary
letters such as X and Q.

But I go much further beyond all that, and propose that the letter O
(as in Oracle) by the Only Letter.

Oo oooo o ooooo ooo o oooooooo, oo oooo oooo oooo oooo!

Oo ooo ooooo oooo oo o oooo oooo? Oo ooo, oooo ooooo o oo ooooooo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I tried that, but it made me...morose.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 28 Feb 18 20:31:36 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1577-03

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I am interested in pre-archeological posthumanism. Please tell me
about Francis (Roger) Bacon. In particular, why was he so unsure of
his name? Nobody in any of the biographical material I've seen so far
has reconciled the man with his Alternate Person, or the other way
around.

You, my Dear Oracle, founder of the College of Things We Never
Expected, know everything I need to know and a whole lot more.
Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The works of Francis Roger Bacon include a sonnet "Opus Maius",
} addressed to his cat, a treatise "Novum Organum", mostly concerned
} with the need for more roomy trousers, and a demonstration that the
} world is entirely covered by dry land, contradicted by the explorer
} Columbo who, on setting sail on what Bacon had proved was not water,
} with the famous words, "Just one more thing".
}
} Bacon, also known by his official title of Earl of Lettuce, Tomato,
} and Sandwich, had varied interests. He studied Law, Alchemy, and
} Linguistics, and came up with the theory that if you talk about
} anything for long enough, the judge will fall asleep and you will get
} lots of gold in legal fees.
}
} His personal life is shrouded in mystery, although rumours that he was
} gay are confounded by his close reliance on the works of Grosseteste
} (or, "ugly scrotum").
}
} F.R. "Fryer" Bacon died in 1532, most probably as the result of trying
} to stuff a fowl with gunpowder, whereupon it exploded, ironically
} singeing the final pages of his "History of Life and Death".
}
} You owe the Oracle the biography of Captain James Robert Hooke, who
} demonstrated that a watch can be pulled back out of a crocodile if the
} chain has not reached its elastic limit.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 28 Feb 18 20:31:37 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1577-04

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

The assignment was to get a photograph of an imaginary number. I don't
have an imaginary camera. Please tell me what to do.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Trick question. Everyone knows you don't need an imaginary camera,
} just imaginary film in an ordinary camera. Then set the aperture to
} f/0, the rangefinder to infinity, the white balance to White Out(TM),
} and the shutter speed to methamphetamine. After photographing,
} develop with bath salts and fix in any qualified mechanic's shop.
} Print on acidified blotter paper, and finally place under tongue.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new flash. This Adobe one is buggy.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 28 Feb 18 20:31:38 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1577-05

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Tellme, Orrie, a sad, sad, story.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a time there was a sad Oracle lurking quietly in the fourth
} sub-basement of the mathematics building at Indiana University. An
} undergraduate named Kinzler discovered him, and for a while the rest
} was history. Fame appeared, and Fortune beckoned. Excitement and
} happiness for half of Eternity were the order of the day.
}
} Alas, all was fleeting. Nostrilbook, Elbowbook, Eyelashbook, and
} various other Anatomy-shaped social media appeared, and stole the
} Oracle's necessity for being.
}
} The Oracle now lurks in Kinzler's bedroom closet, sad and lonely.
}
} You owe the Oracle some new friends.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 28 Feb 18 20:31:39 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1577-06

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please tell me again how people lived backwards in BC times. It must of
been awful confusing. "Next year, little Julie, you will be V years
old. Yes, it is now the year XCVI and next year will be the year XCV,
and you are wondering how we can lose a year and gain a year at the
same time. Just pretend it has something to do with how we subtract by putting numbers backwards like VI for six and IV for four. IV is really
not the same thing as ivy, no matter what they are doing in England.
And I'de avoid marching to England or anywhere else. And stop iacting
your alea around. Now be a good boy and eat your polenta. No, you can't
have spaghetti instead. We don't have spaghetti yet. Won't until maybe
the year MCCLXXXII. You'll have to wait. Now eat. Your polenta's
getting cold."

They really went from XCVI to XCV without blinking an eyebrow. How did
they do that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .dictionary english-heptapod a oracle the owe You
}
} .it see to ways other are there promise I but ,direction one in time of
} perception your solidify clocks The .be to used there than now clocks
} more lot a are there since you for time more little a take might it
} ,this understood Romans The .trivial almost is forwards or backwards of
} question simple a ,time nonlinear with interact and perceive to ability
} the have you when ,see You

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 28 Feb 18 20:31:40 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1577-07

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I thought I had more questions about the moon, but now I see that it's
just the same ones, only in a different frame of reference. Or maybe a different refrigerator.

Still, I want you to tell me, if the moon is 24 times as big, why is it
only 3 and a 1/2 times as far away?

Please, I know that you were thinking of locking me up, after those
horrid questions about giving proper names like Fred Quogly or Mortimer Morttimer to the banana peels and peach pits in my trash compactor.
I've retracted those questions, and all that's left is the recycled
ones about the moon. And an obscure reference to Lundgren's "Take the
'A' Train".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle
} 'Pushing upward, creating success from the source.
} Make use of seeing great people.
} Do not worry.
} Set forth to the south, good fortune.'
} The old Chinese character for 'Pushing Upward' shows a small ladle
} used to measure out offerings and official salaries. It suggests
} a step-by-step ascent, one measure at a time. This is a vigorous,
} active time. Come from the source of inspiration and involve it in
} your work. Make good use of seeing great people, whether in the flesh
} or with your inner vision, to charge you with the energy to begin
} your ascent. Use them to inspire you with a vision of possibilities,
} and for information and help on how to move on upward.
} Hard work and steep slopes lie ahead, but the oracle reassures you
} that you need not worry or doubt. Instead, set your face to the
} south, as the ruler does: align your initiatives with the natural
} order (which can be read in the stars and the compass), and set
} out towards warmth, light and activity.
} Image
} 'Centre of the earth gives birth to wood: Pushing Upward.
} A noble one with patient character
} Builds up small things to attain the high and great.'
} Sequence
} Pushing Upward follows from Hexagram 45, Gathering:
} 'Assembling and moving higher is called Pushing Upward, and so Pushing
} Upward follows.'
} Changing Lines
} Line 3
} 'Pushing upward in the empty city.'
} Line 4
} 'The king makes offerings on Mount Qi.
} Good fortune, no mistake.'
} The Oracle asks you to return to your room, it's time for your
} therapy session.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 28 Feb 18 20:31:41 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1577-08

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Internet Oracle, will I defeat my enemies and ultimately prove
victorious?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. You will die. The potion of immortality that I sold you was a hoax.
}
} Fear not, though, for in your journey you will provide extra material
} for the phrase, "Snatching defeat from the Jaws of Victory."
}
} Oh, don't forget, you still owe the Oracle your lifetime payments for
} that potion.

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Date: Wed, 28 Feb 18 20:31:42 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1577-09

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Ummm, that was supposed to be "anticipation" and not "constipation"
in the question that I asked you, oh when was that????? OMG, seven
blinking years ago!!!!!!!

Look, why don't you simply accept my admission of my ridiculous
questions from back then as evidence that I grovel to you every time
I see myself in the mirror and also every time that I don't. Constant grovellling. No need to repeat it every time.

Please name six impossible things I can believe before breakfast.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not butter
} I'm walking on air
} Life after love
} Somewhere in the darkest night, a candle glows
} They put a man on the moon
} George isn't at home

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Date: Wed, 28 Feb 18 20:31:43 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1577-10

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Excessively silly question.

Almost forgot ... ridiculously lame grovel.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Droll concise answer.
}
} Pithy, appropriate debt imposed.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1577 ******************************************

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