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Date: Sun, 21 Jan 18 19:58:23 -0500
From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1576

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1576
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1571 20 votes 35552 22583 23537 02a53 05a41 38234 36542 03944 02945 15365
1571 3.2 mean 2.9 3.4 3.5 3.5 3.0 2.9 2.8 3.5 3.6 3.5

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 21 Jan 18 19:58:25 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1576-01

Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I guess I should thank you, even though you were nearly no help at
all.

I asked you "where are my eyeglasses?" and you said this:

"I don't know. Why don't you try looking for them? Hmm. Maybe you
can't do that without already having them. They'll probably be in the
last place you look, like maybe on top of your head or in the fridge
or something. What do you think I am, omniscient or something?"

Well, I had so very much been thinking you were omniscient. It's not
like you aren't an Oracle. An Omniscient Internet Oracle with
Mysterious Powers that even an Oracle would be hard pressed to
explain. I thought you knew nearly everything.

I looked all through the sofa. In the sofa. Behind the sofa. Inside
the old sofa cushions that I put in the attic last year. Under my bed.
In the doghouse. In the kitchen drawer that is full of godnosewhat. Everywhere.

I got tired, and decided it was time for a beer.

There in the fridge were my eyeglasses!

In some parts of the world people drink warm beer and presumably never
find their eyeglasses.

Perhaps you would care to tell me why my eyeglasses were in the
fridge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are obviously confusing them with Beer glasses.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 21 Jan 18 19:58:26 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1576-02

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

They're here again. Paranoids. They hide so I can't see them but they
are watching me all the time. Maybe they watch you, too. They even
hide in my bathroom and watch me when I, when I do whatever I am
doing.

I think one of them hides in the clothes dryer and eats socks.

How do you keep paranoids out of YOUR clothes dryer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It may reassure you to know that socks do not dissappear because
} paranoids are eating them.
}
} Remember that the universe prefers a state of Entropy (remember in this
} case, entropy does not mean 'disorder' but equilibrium,
} http://www.science20.com/train_thought/blog/entropy_not_disorder-75081)
}
} Now, as far as we know at least in the general area of Earth, that this
} planet is the ONLY one to have socks. In a way, we are 'high sock
} energy' area (HSE), compared to most of the nearby space, which is 'low
} sock energy' (LSE).
}
} Just as heat/energy attempts to flow from high areas to low areas, so
} do socks. But since socks are macro items (That is, large), they cannot
} just 'move' on their own like energy through particles or anything like
} that.
}
} Instead, what happens is when they are excited into a higher state of
} energy (such as in a dryer), they spontaneously vanish, to assumably
} reappear somewhere else that is a LSE area. Therefore, nothing is
} eating your socks, but they are simply attempting to establish sock
} equilibrium across the entire Universe.
}
} You could I suppose, name the phenomenon of them vanishing as
} 'paranoids'. I personally just use a dryer sheet though and regularily
} sweep under the bed.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 21 Jan 18 19:58:27 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1576-03

Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein)" <daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why is my Horsey Bar horseradish flavored chocolate bombing?
Shouldn't hipsters love it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chocolate bombing is a known difficulty. Our diligent crew of
} Equestrian Engineers, hipsters one and all, are working right now on
} the problem. The apparent difficulty is a confusion over radishes
} versus radixes. Your recipe used 13 radishes, which becomes radix 13,
} according to the aforementioned hipsters, most of whom tried majoring
} in mathematics before they tried weed and flunked out.
}
} You owe the Oracle an alternative solution to your problem, in which
} you use Knuth's quater-imaginary numeral system, where the radish is
} 2i.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 21 Jan 18 19:58:28 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1576-04

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

It's Xhristmas time here in Biloxi, and Onkel Jens who migrated here
from back home in Minnesota 60 years ago, when it was still popular to
do that sort of thing is planning to celebrate in the usual style. He
is going to get schlonkkered by drinking far too much "snaps" or
"akvavit" or "aquawit" or whatever name he is calling it this year.
Usually he says, "It's good stuff. You want some? Yust try it. Yust a
little. Good for you. Werry good for you."

I tried it once and my brain exploded out through my sinuses.

Once Onkel Jens gets schnokkered on that horrid Swedish booze there in
no telling what he is going to do next. Last year he was trying to hug
the Xhristmas tree. What will he do this year? I want to be prepared.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fortunately for you I have found the police report sent through time
} from the night of Jens' arrest.
}
} -- Report Begins --
}
} The suspect was first drawn to my attention when his pick-up truck
} reversed past me at 30 miles per hour. This surprised me as I was on
} the police harbour patrol boat at the time. It transpired that he had
} attached himself to the Queen Elizabeth Cruise ship in an attempt to
} arrest the Queen Elizabeth for, in his words, "disrespecting the
} democratic process and stuff". On being informed that this was a ship
} and not the Queen of England, he replied, "yeah, but it's a symbol of
} an authoritarian diktat, innit, which is diametrically opposed to the
} natural born right of all free-willed humanity to determine their own
} destiny and better themselves without being oppressed by a non-elected
} oligarchy".
}
} On returning Mr Jens to shore, his truck turned out to contain:
} Twelve clones of Ringo Starr,
} Eleven experts in cake decoration (very good at piping icing)
} Ten peers of the realm (all hopping mad),
} Nine dancing girls,
} Eight wives of rich husbands, milking it for all they were worth,
} Seven ballet dancers from Swan Lake,
} Six Cockney geezers alloying copper and zinc to form brass,
} A copy of the Olympic Games logo,
} Four clones of Adele calling her ex, going, "Hello".
} Three 'N's from the sign for the French restaurant Le Bernardin, New
} York City. Two complete bars of Dove soap,
} and Alan Partridge straddled between a pair of Norfolk beeches.
}
} Unfortunately, while I was attempting to explain to the eighth Mr
} Starr that he still wasn't the best drummer in the Beatles, Mr Jens
} escaped as I had omitted to confiscate his mobile phone, and he had
} called an Uber.
}
} Ten minutes later, I re-apprehended Mr Jens and informed him that the
} plastic Rudolph did not need to be 'freed from the reins of
} human-servitude and helped to lead a natural life in the wild'.
} However, while I was handcuffing Mr Jens, the Santa sleigh that
} Rudolph was attached to broke loose and went back down the hill
} towards the harbour. As I had managed to handcuff Mr Jens to the
} sleigh, he followed it, somewhat unwillingly.
}
} Using my detective skills, I followed the trail of destruction until I
} found the sleigh parked on top of a fire hydrant, and Mr Jens
} attempting to tear down a nearby Christmas tree. He seemed to be
} singing 'O Tannenbaum' but in his inebriated state was confusing it
} with 'The Red Flag', as he interspersed the tuneless rendition with
} shouts of, "Why must I be a Communist?"
}
} Mr Jens was eventually persuaded to come quietly by giving him a
} lighted candle to hold, although I believe he was murmuring, "Soon I
} will set you free to burn the world."
}
} By this point, Mr Jens appeared to be sobering up, and was now more
} concerned about the poor turkey he'd eaten for Christmas dinner, and
} how its children were going to survive.
}
} I hope that this report goes some way to excuse my failure to stop the
} smuggling of 100,000 gallons of eggnog from the harbour yesterday
} evening.
}
} -- Report Ends --
}
} You owe the Oracle 10,000 gallons of eggnog.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 21 Jan 18 19:58:29 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1576-05

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I'd like to thank you for your support of our group, Hire The Morally Handicapped. They report tremendous pleasure at serving as your
Incarnations. Please continue to use them any time you need additional additions to your crew.

How many do you need for the Christmas Rush?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Five. Trump, Bannon, May, Johnson, and Putin asked for time off over
} Christmas.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Kim Jong Un impersonator and Donald Trump's
} telephone number.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 21 Jan 18 19:58:30 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1576-06

Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Logic time. Again.

When I said, "This time I won't lie to you and tell you that my
brother's name is Ferdinand Z. PoochWilliam," did I actually intend to
have said, "This time I won't lie to you OR tell you that my brother's
name is Ferdinand Z. PoochWilliam?"

Logical minds want to know. (Me, too.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, logic, the refuge of the coward, or possibly the cow-herd.
}
} True/False logic is known as Boulean logic, and can be modelled by a
} game of boules, leading to the well-known saying that logic is all a
} load of balls.
}
} All logic statements can be represented by conjunctions of Nan
} operations, such as, "If all men are mortal and Plato is mortal, then
} I might as well have a nice sit down and a cup of tea; your
} grandfather used to get mortally drunk, did I ever tell you about the
} time..."
}
} However, any system of logic can be shown to lead to statements whose
} veracity cannot be proven or disproved. This is known as the Girdle
} Incompleteness Theorem, which explains why my trousers keep falling
} down.
}
} Thus we come to your original question, which requires an object
} called a truth table to unpack. Flat-pack truth tables can be bought
} from Ikea, usually called Porglyk or Jurdle. They're quite hard to put
} together, even with the use of Alan's key (A flat minor, in case you
} want to know, since it's quite hard to find Alan these days).
}
} I need to explain to you that your brother's name is not "Ferdinand Z.
} Poochwilliam", it's actually "For dee Negative-AND, Zee Pooch will
} IAM", which means that if you demonstrate the universality of NAND,
} your dog will eat his Iams dog food. It also means that your brother
} has picked up a cod German accent (which seems very fishy).
}
} So, in conclusion, you weren't lying, even if you were wrong, which
} seems to be all the defence you need in this political climate.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new Ockham's razor; my beard seems to be
} multiplying needlessly.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 21 Jan 18 19:58:31 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1576-07

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What's the best way to convince my brother that Mr. & Mrs. MacBeth's
dog Spot is definitely NOT the same dog as Hamlet's Great Dane? (As
Mrs. MacBeth said, "Out, damned Spot!") (She really hated that dog.)

Oh, and while we are at the job, what about Hamlet's "melon" Collie? A
rather fruity dog. My brother's confused about that dog, too.

All the help you can offer is far more than I deserve. Doubly more than
my brother deserves.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, your brother is correct. In the original performances,
} the same dog had a starring role in both of Shakespeare's plays. In
} fact it was a stray that had wandered in off the street, but it was
} around and got worked into the scripts. Much like the bear costume
} that had to make an appearance in The Winter's Tale.
}
} Anyway, when Francis Bacon edited the plays, he removed references to
} the dog, perceiving that later audiences would not understand it.
} Unlike the rest of Shakespeare's humour. So, for the first time, I can
} present some famous passages that had to be edited:
}
} From Macbeth, when the stray had deposited a gift on stage:
} Is this a dog-turd which I see before me,
} Still warm, and the pointy bit toward my hand? Come, let me bag thee.
} I touch thee not, and yet I smell thee still.
} Art thou not, foul mess, sensible
} To feeling as to sight? or art thou but
} A dog-turd of the mind, a false excretion,
} Proceeding from the still heated bum?
}
} From Hamlet:
} Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio. OY, bring that skull back you
} infernal dog!
} Toby, or is it not Toby, I can never remember the blasted thing's name.
}
} From Richard III:
} Some horse-meat, some horse-meat, my kingdom for some horse-meat! This
} dog hasn't been fed in a week.
}
} From A Midsummer Night's Dream:
} You spotted snakes with double tongue,
} Thorny hedge-hogs, be not seen;
} Newts, and blind-worms, do no wrong;
} And will someone throw a bucket of water over those two dogs?
}
} You owe the Oracle an interpretation of The Taming of the Shrew for
} feminist pet-shop owners.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 21 Jan 18 19:58:32 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1576-08

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Can the can-can can can can-can cans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That that is is that that is not is not is not that it it is.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 21 Jan 18 19:58:33 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1576-09

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Life becomes difficult. Eating apples to keep doctors away was easy
when it was merely Hartnell and Troughton. Do you know how much havoc
occurs in my digestive system when I cram in 13, THIRTEEN, that's XIII
in Latin, apples a day?

Please give me some other plan. And besides, who would want to keep
Jodie Whittaker away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Doctorate, ex I I I
} is nothing to the wanward eye
} sed inflagrante, doctorat
} Will multiply like mouse or cat
} Et in flagrante reposam
} Until the Quack awakes
} "puellam canto"
} Oh, what a Panto!
} Multiplex puellam et nullam Romanis
} what else can I say lest my
} tempus fugitamus
} Back to the hole
} Where the
} Doctor
} had
} come.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 21 Jan 18 19:58:34 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1576-10

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Make money while you sleep! Do you dream of having enough money? So do
I, and so does everyone.

Send a dollar to Dollar-A-Dream and I will make money while you sleep.
Share with your friends!

After 1000 dreams you, too, will make money dreaming. What could be
better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once, when I was dreaming, heard a dream while softly sleeping
} In my mesmiamic slumber it would nearly tide me under
} was it Gerald Manley Hopkins with his riffing rhymes repassing? No!
} A supplicant had waked me from my slumber everlasting
}
} So I woke to this much furrow, and my head I had to burrow
} For these facts to thence provide, I turned, it curdled my inside
} What would witchwood rather sole me? What on earth could then console
} me? Would I get my reverie? I had a dream till then was asked me
}
} By a rhythm or a poke, some external then bespoke,
} What is hundred of them would you? As if one was not so good, no>
} Make the tryptich take the rhyme choose your neat iambic time
} You can vary if you wish, it need not be syncopated
} You can stun
} Like a gun
} Changing the rhythm scheme (be prepared to run)
}
} But you come to what is best, what with Hopkins it is this way
} one two emphasis on three and it goes THERE again you see
} So three feet a metre make, Hopkins' poetry you take
} You can make one or a hundred just by following what I did

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1576 ******************************************

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