• Internet Oracularities Digest #1575

    From oracle-request@internetoracle.org@21:1/5 to All on Tue Nov 28 16:35:39 2017
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    Date: Tue, 28 Nov 17 11:35:27 -0500
    From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
    Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1575

    To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
    to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
    B Kinzler.)

    Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
    on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
    number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
    For example:
    1575
    2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

    1570 19 votes 16912 13564 35461 04564 08632 11c41 14644 46513 12385 22942
    1570 3.2 mean 2.8 3.5 2.8 3.5 2.9 3.2 3.3 2.6 3.7 3.1

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    Date: Tue, 28 Nov 17 11:35:28 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1575-01

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Please tell me the history of the 1938 Army Air Corpse, which is where
    my grandfather was supposed to be killed accept that he dyed first
    crashing headlong sideways into a air traffic control towel that wasn't
    built yet.

    Oh an this time by your request I fix all the spelling mistakes. Not
    like lost time. You are wright I was wrong. Spell check really helps.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Your grandfather flew a Spiffy-Tyre into a row of Haricot Verts and
    } was krilled instantly.
    } The Underwater Frying Cor-Blimey refused to pay out any life-insurance
    } because they said he was a shell-fish bastard.
    } When it was pointed out that your grandfather flew into a trowel that
    } had been left there by another pirate, they accused him of digging his
    } own grave.
    }
    } The history of the Rifling Core starts in 1763, three years after it
    } was founded. Due to the shortage of planes, everyone sat on the ground
    } and made vroom-vroom noises for 140 years.
    } Then, in 1903, Wilma Right and Orville (the green duck who couldn't
    } fly) tried jumping off a baseball mound and failed to hit the ground
    } for 2 minutes.
    }
    } Shortly afterwards, World War II began, was quickly stopped for
    } rebranding, and relaunched as World War I. The Harming Hair Oops burnt
    } its bridges and took part in a game of "Last One In The Air is a Sore
    } Loser".
    }
    } After a short pause for re-arming, World War I was relaunched as World
    } War II (now with extra sugar), and the history of the Army Air Corps
    } is tied up with the Burly Air-Drop.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a pair of your grandfather's flying bridges.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Tue, 28 Nov 17 11:35:29 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1575-02

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    The L stands for lettuce, the B for bacon, and the T for tomato; I get
    that much.

    But what is the G?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Grades.
    }
    } Your grades in that course, "Sex and Sexuality in Modern Times" have
    } been especially poor since you discovered that the course wasn't at all
    } what you thought it would be.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a syllabus for "Sex and Sexuality in Comic Sans."

    ------------------------------

    Date: Tue, 28 Nov 17 11:35:30 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1575-03

    Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    How do you access the NES Golf game on the Nintendo Switch?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } I use a 5-iron. It is amazing the amount of satisfaction one can gain
    } from clobbering recalcitrant hardware with some sort of appropriate
    } hammer.

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    Date: Tue, 28 Nov 17 11:35:31 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1575-04

    Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Hello, I live in Dullest, Texas.

    I know you'll be thinking that either I mean DALLAS or that I live in
    the Dulles Airport near DC.

    No. I live out where there is NOTHING but Texas. Flat Texas. Flat,
    boring Texas.

    Please give me a list of ten ways to make Texas less boring. Don't
    include floods or hurricanes. Or paint. Paint fades real fast here in
    the bright Texas sun.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } 1) Rechamber all your guns to .22 caliber. This will make their bore
    } smaller.
    }
    } 2) Stop boring for oil.
    }
    } 3) Remove all repetitive excercises from the school curriculum. There
    } are called drills for a reason.
    }
    } 4) Especially in boreding schoools.
    }
    } 5) Expel anybody who ever bore the brunt of anything.
    }
    } 6) To Borneo, preferably.
    }
    } 7) Invest in treatment programs for the Bohring-Opitz syndrome.
    }
    } 8) Keep an all-year open season for boars.
    }
    } 9) Promote boron-free glass and insecticides.
    }
    } 10) Ask more interesting questions.

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    Date: Tue, 28 Nov 17 11:35:32 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1575-05

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Should I insure my car for Actual Crash Value or for Total Disability
    if I plan to have a accident? I have paid so munch for insurance in the passed and I need to get something back. Like if it's a $3500 car and I insure for $35,000 I could come out ahead finally.

    I was thinking like maybe I jump out before it rolls off the edge at
    Big Sur. Or Lesser Sur. Or Not Sur At All. So insur where and how much?
    And how fast?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Whooah, slow down. You can't just over-insure your car and then
    } "accidentally" wreck it. Insurance companies know all about that kind
    } of trick and they will catch you.
    }
    } Other things you shouldn't try to get insurance:
    }
    } - Claiming to be a world-class pianist, insuring your hands, and then
    } trying to juggle chain-saws in a thunderstorm. This scheme breaks down
    } when the insurance company discovers you could only play "Chopsticks"
    } before the accident.
    }
    } - Claiming to be a model, insuring your face, and then making
    } sandpaper a part of your skin-care regime. This scheme breaks down
    } when "before" photos are discovered.
    }
    } - Claiming to be a brilliant actor, insuring your body, and then
    } playing with cobras and claiming that snake venom has prevented your
    } face from showing any expression. This scheme breaks down when any of
    } Keanu Reeves' movies are shown.
    }
    } What will work, however, is if you start a career as an avant-garde
    } artist, exhibiting rubbish and labelling it as art:
    } - Waste-paper baskets filled with old movie scripts (Title: Rejection)
    } - Waste-paper baskets filled with bills and final demands for payment
    } (Title: The overthrow of capitalism)
    } - Crushed waste-paper baskets in a skip (Title: Irony)
    }
    } Then, fill your car with rubbish, drive it to a war-zone and leave it
    } there for a bit.
    }
    } If it gets completely blown up, claim on the insurance for all the
    } "art-work" in it.
    } If it only gets partly destroyed, exhibit the car as "Man's inhumanity
    } to defenceless machines: an injustice that will be avenged" (This will
    } also help protect you in the coming robot uprising.)
    } If you get injured while in the war-zone, claim insurance as a
    } world-renowned artist who now cannot work.
    } If you actually get killed, arrange for your corpse to be exhibited
    } entitled "Man's stupidity: why the robot uprising will be a mercy".
    } (This will also help protect your family in the coming robot
    } uprising.)
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a share in the insurance pay-out. If all else
    } fails, I'll exhibit this answer as "Exploiting man's stupidity: The
    } first salvo in the robot uprising."

    ------------------------------

    Date: Tue, 28 Nov 17 11:35:33 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1575-06

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Please tell me about the painful General Grapeshot, who invented the
    idea of filing a cannon with prunes and other fruit after he had run
    out of gnupowder. My Uncle, Bunyan Maxwellenuff, says it's a
    little-known chapter of History that deserves appropriate treatment.

    And why just a treatment, not a cure?

    Or a replacement uncle? Wanna job?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Ah, high-velocity prunes, the most effective laxative known to man.
    } Anyone in the line of fire definitely got their just desserts, and it
    } was no trifling matter. An army may march on its stomach, but all the
    } officers I know would have their stomachs best used as trampolines to
    } enable the artillery to see further.
    }
    } Other militarised desserts from the same period include:
    }
    } Roo-barb pies: Australian specific, it involved giving kangaroos
    } spiked trainers and sending them over to bounce on the enemy.
    }
    } The Creme Brawl-A: The enemy was showered with milk, eggs, and cream
    } before being lightly singed with a flame-thrower.
    }
    } The Peach Melee: The enemy was bombarded with peaches before being set
    } upon by the Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town (aka Spike
    } Milligan).
    }
    } Spotted Dick: No, not a weaponised venereal disease, but a distraction
    } technique. All the soldiers would shout, "I've seen Richard". The
    } enemy, startled, would turn around to look behind them, and would then
    } be attacked.
    }
    } Terror-misu: A combination of coffee to keep the soldiers awake at
    } night, a spraying of the enemy by eggs and sugar, followed by a
    } surprise whipping in the early hours. If you're wondering where the
    } mascarpone comes in, it's because the ponies were camouflaged.
    }
    } Many of these desserts were later used to subdue public schoolboys in
    } England. My stomach still suffers from the military grade rice pudding
    } I was fed from age 11 to 18.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle some more complete cobblers.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Tue, 28 Nov 17 11:35:34 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1575-07

    Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Bad Request
    The server found your request confusing and isn't sure how to proceed.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Instructions to server:
    } 1. Breathe on customer: "Yawanna mash?"
    } 2. Regardless of answer, scoop mashed potatoes onto plate and put
    } pseudo-gravy on top, sort of.
    } 3. Breathe again, spitting: "Heresya meatloaf."
    } 4. Place meatloaf on top of mashed potatoes. Add more pseudo-gravy with
    } extra grease.
    } 5. Hand plate to customer, spilling gravy onto his shirt sleeve.
    }
    } Every server should understand these methods without instruction.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a Horn and Hardart.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Tue, 28 Nov 17 11:35:35 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1575-08

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    The weather report says the wind is from the north at zero miles per
    hour. I want them to tell me it is from the east at zero instead,
    because the angular origin in polar coordinates is properly specified
    as the lower edge of the upper right-hand quadrant.

    You are certainly more skilled at mathematics than I am, owing to your supremely intellectual omniscience. Please tell me how to rotate the headquarters of the meteorological office by -90 degrees.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Take that apple tart out of the fridge, eat 50% of it, then make all
    } your colleagues walk round it.
    }
    } Congratulations; you've moved the Met Office round pie by two.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle an explanation of how to get an orange tan by
    } committing a venial sin over a cos lettuce.

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    Date: Tue, 28 Nov 17 11:35:36 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1575-09

    Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    As you have previously told me, the Dutch painter Jan Vermeer was
    interested in obscure things and may have used a camera obscura to
    photograph them. I am seeking his lost and obscure painting
    "Tyrannosourus Wrecks His Own Marriage" which is hypothesized on the
    basis of evidence I obtained through your majestic and totally
    inarticulate sleight-of-hand. Thank you for getting me into the frame
    of mind to appreciate such things. Sometimes I feel that I owe my
    entire existence to your unavoidable and insoluble advice.

    Where is the painting? What have you done with it? I want it now!

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } You figured it out then? To fill you in on some of the details which
    } may not be immediately apparent to you:
    }
    } Jan Vermeer (Vermie to his friends) was lying drunk in a gutter one
    } evening, when he found he was lying next to Edward "I find I have to
    } drink to" Cope, the famous dinosaur expert and part-time toast-rack.
    } Eddie told him about some spinal fragments he'd recently found which
    } had belonged to a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
    }
    } Curious what had led to to a Rex's loss of backbone, Vermie spoke to
    } the man lying in the gutter to his left, who turned out to be H.G.
    } "Mercury" Wells, named for his insistence on drinking liquid metals.
    } Wells had been working on a real-life time machine (and you thought
    } his famous book was just a satire).
    }
    } When the early morning road-sweepers scooped them out of the gutter,
    } all three decided to go back in time to discover what had happened.
    } Eddie put the Rex DNA into Mercury's time-machine, Vermie packed his
    } paintbrushes, and they set off. When they reached the year 70 million
    } BC (Before Capitalism) they found a startling scene.
    }
    } Mr Rex had returned from a hard day at the swamp to find Mrs Rex had
    } managed to overcook the freshly killed Stegosaurus (for those of you
    } keeping up at home, this clearly proves that dinosaurs also had
    } time-travel technology) that he had ordered in specially from the
    } Triceratops butchers. Mr Rex lost his temper while Mrs Rex cowered
    } behind the fern-patterned sofa her Aunt Mildred had bought them. After
    } Mr Rex hit his head on the coal-scuttle and knocked himself
    } unconscious, Mrs Rex kicked him out of the nest.
    }
    } Meanwhile, Vermie had painted the picture you mentioned.
    } Unfortunately, when they all returned to the year 1902, his wife threw
    } him out of the house for not coming home the night before, and Vermie
    } spent the night on Mercury's sofa, wrapped only in his new painting.
    } When morning came, he threw out the painting, only for it to be
    } recovered by Ernst Ludwig Kirchner and used as inspiration for his
    } most famous work, "Semi-Nude Woman With Hat".
    }
    } The painting itself was painted over in 1931 by Salvador Dali when
    } creating his work, "The Persistence of Memory".
    }
    } So, all you need to do to get the painting is to go to The Museum of
    } Modern Art in New York, throw paint-remover at the melted clock
    } painting, and wait.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a defence lawyer who can come up with a more
    } believable reason why you ruined one of the world's most recognisable
    } paintings.

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    Date: Tue, 28 Nov 17 11:35:37 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1575-10

    Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    This space for rent!

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Thank you.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a $4000 occupancy deposit, plus a $3600 security
    } deposit, a $1214.88 cleaning fee, first month's rent, last month's
    } rent, and a finder's fee of $23,500. Electricity, water and rodent
    } removal will be available after all moneys are paid. Tenants are to
    } understand that the cockroaches have prior right of occupancy, and are
    } to remain undisturbed.
    }
    } Smells emanating from other parts of the building or from nearby fires
    } and restaurants are part of the normal landscape, and no action against
    } them will be considered. Objects dropped onto the leased property from
    } airplanes or trebuchets are considered windfall and may be claimed by
    } tenants, less a 10% disturbance fee.
    }
    } Various additional regulations, assessments, fees, repairs,
    } relocations, floods and other improvements will be applied as
    } necessary.
    }
    } Additionally, please do not stand on the left half of the bathroom
    } floor, especially when naked. The tenants below strongly object to
    } sudden visitors, and the Oracular Leasing Agency cannot be held
    } responsible for injuries caused by broken timbers, loose plaster, sharp
    } objects or firearms.

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    End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1575 ******************************************

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