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Date: Fri, 15 Sep 17 10:08:16 -0500
From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1574

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1574
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1569 19 votes 03664 1224a 15751 04951 03754 37522 47530 22564 55531 13861
1569 3.1 mean 3.6 4.1 3.0 3.2 3.5 2.6 2.4 3.4 2.5 3.2

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 15 Sep 17 10:08:17 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1574-01

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Remember when I mistakenly asked you about how to become a softwear developooper? Well, all that is behind me now. Because now I are one.

Please give me REAL advice. That includes methods for representing ANY
REAL NUMBER on the computer. The "real" numbers generally available are
of limited precision, and are totally unable to represent
transcendental numbers or even repeating fractions such as 0.333333333
(etc). My particular need is to represent pi to the "e"th power, but I
have lots of other transcendentals that need transcendentiation. Or
whatever the correct word might be.

Just so you won't worry excessively, I do NOT need to represent i to
the "i"th power. I isn't real.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cantor? Euler? You barely know 'er!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Good Time with calculus and number theory.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 15 Sep 17 10:08:18 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1574-02

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please excuse my error where I misstated myself, saying "of bibulous proportions" when I meant "of Biblical proportions" when referring to
my Uncle Milbort's famous Temperance Treatise of 1922. You've not
provided an answer for that query yet, so I guess it got stuck in some misinformed incarnation's gizzard. You can help said misincarnation
out by forwarding this missive. Or perhaps not.

Back to real questions... What are the chances for the Red Sox this
year? Will there be a Series against the Cubbies? How will it go?

As you know, every year I go into Southie and take bets AGAINST the
Sox getting into or winning the Series. All went pretty well until
those three awwwwwwful years, 2004, 2007 and 2013. I did pretty well
(except for getting beat up) until the disaster of 2004. Who would
have guessed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It always confuses me when a disaster is described as of "Biblical
} proportions". Do they mean, "exagerated out of all proportion by
} someone who heard the story from their grandfather, who heard it from
} his grandfather, who was 3 at the time"?
}
} Anyway, the answer to that query is, no Milbort did not start a
} drunken riot which threatened the stability of America. He punched his
} own unshaven reflection and then blamed himself for the extinction of
} the Californian grizzly bear.
}
} The chances for the Red Sox in the Series are not good; I usually put
} mine in early on with the whites, the colours run, and I end up with
} pink shirts and socks. I assume the same thing happened to you in
} 2004, 2007, 2013, and someone beat you up for having poor fashion
} sense (pink socks with open-toed sandals? Appalling) Ideally you
} should change sports and put them in with the All Blacks.
}
} Against the Cubbies, though, who knows? Well, yes, I know, but I'm not
} telling. Let's just say that the post-match riot will be of bibulous
} proportions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with Molly Pitcher.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 15 Sep 17 10:08:19 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1574-03

Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Help! I need more help than anyone can possibly give me, but I'm sure
you are better than that, so please tell me how you will help me.

Oh, and I know that you know my problem already, but maybe you don't.
Praying to the Wrong God causes no end of trouble! I thought you were
just being funny when you told me (back in 1406-06) about Cthulhu.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I must say that I sympathise with the conservative,
} Cthulhu-worshipping media on this one. You must have known what you
} were getting into when you decided to write a parody of the musical
} South Pacific based in the South Pacific city of R'lyeh.
}
} I'm all for freedom of speech, but songs such as "I'm Gonna Wash the
} remains of that Human Sacrifice out of my Face-Feelers" was fairly
} offensive. Any suggestion that Cthulhu would not completely consume a
} sacrifice is appalling and unthinkable to the surviving relatives of
} the many sacrifices.
}
} It got worse with "Some Enchanted Spawning". There are certain
} factions within the Cthulhu worshipping community who associate with
} magic, but they are regarded as heretical by the mainstream. Cthulhu
} is not magic or supernatural, he is just a vast alien presence who is
} to be feared by all for his power to destroy the Earth.
}
} Matters came to a head, though, with the finale "Younger than Spring
} Fever". It is obvious, even to non-followers of Cthulhu, that he is
} one of the Great Old Ones and any suggestion that he was invented in
} 1928, in the year after the film Spring Fever was released is an
} abomination that cannot be tolerated.
}
} So, I completely understand why you are cowering under the stage,
} praying to Yahweh, as an enraged mob bays for your blood and calls
} upon Cthulhu to point you out to them.
}
} I'd love to help, but Cthulhu is one of my oldest friends, and I owe
} him one. You are a virgin aren't you? No? Well, you'll just have to
} find another willing sacrifice before the mob spot you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reprise of "There is Nothing Like a Damned Soul
} in Torment". That one was quite catchy.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 15 Sep 17 10:08:20 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1574-04

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Baboons. Please tell me that you get your worst questions from
baboons. There has to be some sort of excuse, and it can't be that you
have actual human supplicants who are that stupid.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, what do you know! You figured it out. The Internet Oracle is
} actually a massive psychological experiment about baboon intelligence.
} We have a number of baboon supplicants that we each placed in a sort of
} Truman-show like life simulation where they spend most of their time on
} the internet, plus a control group of similarly situated humans
} submitting questions. What we are really trying to find out is if we
} can trick baboons into thinking they are humans by engaging them in
} humorous online socializing.
}
} But hush, now, don't tell the other humans, or you will ruin it for
} everybody.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything this time. In fact, here's a free
} banana.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 15 Sep 17 10:08:21 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1574-05

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

When I ask a stupid question on Yahoo Answers, everyone and his
brother jumps on me to tell me what an idiot I am. But when I ask YOU
a stupid question, you are the only one to call me an idiot. How can I improve this situation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We gotta get you Digested. People will say what an idiot #1574-01 is.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 15 Sep 17 10:08:22 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1574-06

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Awwwwright, you explained to me about baboons and how they generate
nearly all your questions.

Now please tell me, how can the single, male baboon have any hope of
locating and meeting girls? That'll be, "unattached female baboons,"
just so you don't get any silly ideas. It's been my experience that
the only other baboons I see around here are other unattached males.
We male baboons are incredibly attracted to computers and Geeky-Internetly-Fiction stuff, female baboons far less so.

What would you suggest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depending on the local troop culture, baboons either have harems or
} matriline breeding.
}
} In the harem troops, the big strong male baboons grab as many females
} as they can control (typically no more than five) and control them.
} The males with harems will both attack other males who get too close
} and females that try to wander off. As a male attracted to computers,
} you are unlikely to be able to find an unattached female in these
} troops. Sorry, you'll need to stick to BornHub for br0n.
}
} In the matriline troops, females select mates based on which males do
} the most nice things, such as grooming, offering food, and providing
} child care. As a male attracted to computers, you have little food to
} offer, no time for child care, and no grooming skills to speak of. So
} it will be back to /r/BetaBaboon for you to moan about all successful
} males, sorry.
}
} Look, I guess you see the picture here now, even if you don't want to:
} declaring that females are far less attracted to computers ends up
} excluding them from computer activities, and then you shouldn't wonder
} why you never see any using computers.
}
} You owe the Oracle naming rights for your offspring after you rethink
} your computer opinions and web site choices.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 15 Sep 17 10:08:23 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1574-07

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What is the name of Man with No Name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 15 Sep 17 10:08:24 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1574-08

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

There seem to be at least three pronunciations in English for iodine.
They are EYE-OH-DYNE, EYE-OH-DEEN and EYE-OH-DINN.

Of these, EYE-OH-DYNE (or, variously, EYE-UHH-DYNE) is by far the most popular among the general population.

Popularity of an idea does not indicate correctness, of course, or
else odd numbers would be more random than even numbers, and NYC would
be the capital of NY State, and Chicago the capital of Illinois.

From your own Oracular perspective (simultaneously rational,
scientific and omniscient) what is the MOST CORRECT pronunciation of
iodine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello? This Og. Oracle away on holiday. Og filling in for Oracle after
} long time. Og been away, being Oracle consultant. Better money than Og
} consoling Oracle. But Og miss hominid interaction. So Og now moonshine
} at Oracle again some time.
}
} Og like singing supplicant, singing make Og happy. Og know this song
} correct version, song go like this.
}
} EYE-OH-DINN, EYE-OH-DINN,
} EYE-OH-DINN BRING LISA GIN
}
} EYE-OH-DYNE, EYE-OH-DYNE,
} EYE-OH-DYNE, BRING LISA WINE
}
} EYE-OH-DEEN, EYE-OH-DEEN
} OUCH OG HEAD HURT, WHY OG IN PARKING LOT
}
} Now supplicant owe Og sing song, else Og will beat supplicant with new
} aluminium club.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 15 Sep 17 10:08:25 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1574-09

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I have this AMAZING idea for a story. Maybe a film or a TV show or
writing a book, if anyone reads any more. So there's this evil
scientist and he gathers body parts and sews them together into
something that looks amazingly and vaguely human and he gathers
lightning bolts like Back To The Furniture, and the monster COMES TO
LIFE and terrorizzes all the villages and finally gets wiped out in
some way I have not thought of yet.

How should I get rid of the monster?

And can you help me be successful with it so I can be rich and promise
you all sorts of unscene tribute?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, perhaps the scientist cannot, for some reason, find a decent pair
} of hands, so he uses scissors instead. The monster, because of its
} scissor-hands, is generally clumsy but displays a remarkable aptitude
} for one particular skill: Whaling. Using its scissor-hands as harpoons,
} it goes on whaling trips, but gets wounded by a particularly big white
} whale. This causes the monster to become obsessed with finding the
} whale, and in preparation for its anticipated new confrontation, runs
} through the entire country. This attracts the cheer of almost all of
} America, at which point the British royals summarily die in an accident
} and an astute tv-watcher notices the stark resemblance between the
} monster and the Queen. It turns out it is a distant relative and now
} heir to the throne. The British, being British, coronate it with all
} protocol, but its awkward speech about the dangers of Wales is
} misunderstood and ill-received. Wales rises in rebellion, overthrows
} the monarchy and their leader, who happens to have red scissors for
} hands, kills the monster in an epic fight with glowing sword,
} explaining to the monster that he has the moral high ground and
} therefore cannot lose.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 15 Sep 17 10:08:26 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1574-10

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Tell me more about the nuculous of the nucular family. What holds them together? I think it it like electricity where like charges like each
other, like friending on factbook but different, and different
chargers unfriend each other. Please tell me it's true I already
handed in the take-home exam I hope I don't hafta get it from the pile
on the desk it must be too high and tip over expect to find it on the
bottom. And re-do it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Coming soon on Netflix, it's the sitcom everyone's been waiting for,
} it's The Standard Model Family.
}
} Starring:
}
} Zooey Deschanel as the goofy weirdo college kid, Strange.
} David Hyde Pierce as the extremely rich uncle Top.
} Will Smith as the down-on-his-luck, lazy younger brother, Bottom.
} Kate McKinnon as the loveable hyperactive older sister who's always in
} a spin, Up.
} Tommy Lee Jones as the cynical grandfather, Down.
} Neil Patrick Harris as the beguiling confidence trickster who becomes
} a family friend, Charm.
}
} Also starring Morgan Freeman as the voice of morality, the local
} Catholic priest, Fr Higgs (he gives good Mass).
}
} The pilot (wave) episode involves Bottom and Up starting as interns at
} Top's advertising and public relations firm Yang Mills, while Charm
} pretends to have been offended by the firm's latest ad campaign and
} seeks compensation. Meanwhile, Strange is working for a small funeral
} parlour and crematorium which needs to improve its public image via a
} Twitter campaign and engages Yang Mills.
}
} Hilarity results when Top tries to sack Bottom for not coming to work
} on time, and Up copies the e-mail into the crematorium's Twitter feed,
} "We're firing you for being late".
} Charm is found out by Strange's detective work in realising that the
} name he's using belongs to a recently decreased client of theirs, Down
} utters his catchphrase, "I told you this would happen", and Fr Higgs
} explains patronisingly that what we've all learned is that everyone
} should pay more attention to the little things in life.
}
} Oh, and this dysfunctional group of people is kept together by colour,
} proving that multiculturalism works.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to get the script past the cosmic censorship
} hypothesis.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1574 ******************************************

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