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Date: Fri, 30 Jun 17 12:13:40 -0500
From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1573

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1573
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1568 19 votes 29620 46522 03655 03781 24445 13852 03763 22744 36532 15265
1568 3.2 mean 2.4 2.6 3.6 3.4 3.3 3.2 3.5 3.3 2.7 3.5

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 30 Jun 17 12:13:41 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1573-01

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

So, you won the Lifetime Supply of Prepaid Mortuary Expenses. Congratulations, I guess.

What on earth is an immortal being like you going to do with it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I keep killing time on these dang things....

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Date: Fri, 30 Jun 17 12:13:42 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1573-02

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I have just invented concentrated water. Mere addition of water
restores it to its former glorious and full goodness. This amazing breakthrough in science requires only your Oracular Expertise in
marketing to bring it as a popular product to the people of the entire
world.

Please offer me your best advice.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best way to market this amazing invention is to package it
} into disposable cups with lids, like Chinese noodle soup.
} Make sure there is a mark on the side of the cup so people
} know how much water to add for the correct dilution ratio.
}
} Your next step should be inflatable air that can be sent up
} to astronauts or down to deep sea divers.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hand in taking out his disposable trash.

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Date: Fri, 30 Jun 17 12:13:43 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1573-03

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please help me design or build a solar-powered night light. I have a
solar panel and it makes a bit of electricity and maybe it helps but
it doesn't work at night. Please send me plans for a night light that
will put out enough fake sunlight that I can use my solar panel at
night.

Oh and don't tell me about watts per square meter. I already have a
electric meter and it is round.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd tell you to use battery, but you would probably just get charged.

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Date: Fri, 30 Jun 17 12:13:44 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1573-04

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Ridiculous question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deadpan response.

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Date: Fri, 30 Jun 17 12:13:45 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1573-05

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I feel very religious today. What should I do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sin. What's the use of religion if you don't have any sins to be
} forgiven?

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Date: Fri, 30 Jun 17 12:13:46 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1573-06

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I followed the instructions for planting the money tree. I gave it
care and love and fertilizer. Now I have problems. Weevils.

There are weevils in the roots. Apparently I loved the tree too much,
and put the wrong kind of fertilizer on its roots. The love of money
gave the roots all the weevils. Bugspray? To whom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just choose the lesser weevil.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 30 Jun 17 12:13:47 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1573-07

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Holy cow man! Why is that even an issue!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You got a problem with Hinduism?

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Date: Fri, 30 Jun 17 12:13:48 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1573-08

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

As everyone knows, you are T. Internet Oracle, and I am J. Random
Supplicant.

Furthermore, we all know that the "T" in your name stands for "The".

What the hell does the "J" in my name represent? Idiots everywhere are curious.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see.
}
} You are slow.
} You sometimes freeze and stutter for no reason.
} When you get confused, you start yelling a ton of meaningless garbage.
} When you arrive, you bring with you a bunch of difficult to get rid of
} parasites.
} Everyone considers you a big security risk.
}
} It should be obvious that you, supplicant, are written in Java.

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Date: Fri, 30 Jun 17 12:13:49 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1573-09

Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Microsoft account
Unusual sign-in activity
We detected something unusual about a recent sign-in to the Microsoft
account tellme@internetoracle.org. To help keep you safe, we required
an extra security challenge. Sign-in details:
Country/region: Romania
IP address: 6.641.593.680
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2017 16:37:15 -0000
If this was you, then you can safely ignore this email.
If you're not sure this was you, a malicious user might have your
password. Please review your recent activity and we'll help you take corrective action.

Please check out attached document for further instructions.

Thanks,
The Microsoft account team

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you, thank you, thank you.
}
} Zadoc had mistakenly clicked on an image of a W**dCh*ck that was
} holding a sign saying ZOT ME. It was of course a trap that released a
} pre-loaded virus that Zadoc had picked up while hiking the Indiana Alps
} last winter.
}
} I have told Zadoc that he must hang by his thumbs over the alligator
} pit, but as you know I would never do such a thing to him. Instead he
} will find himself going into the virtual w**dch*ck pen and removing the
} virus, bit by bit. It's 17 megabytes in size, so he will be busy for
} quite a while. Sort of like picking the sulfur atoms out of diesel
} fuel, to make low-sulfur diesel.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of diesel-powered skis.

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Date: Fri, 30 Jun 17 12:13:50 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1573-10

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why do I not enjoy kissing her? I'm pretty sure I like girls as much as
the next guy. Or the guy after him, if that's a more fitting example.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The whole situation is dreadfully more complicated than you
} let on. She actually prefers the next guy, which is why she's
} rather inattentive to your osculatory exercises, leading to your
} dissatisfaction. The next guy, however, prefers the person to whom
} you refer as "the guy after him" who in turn doesn't prefer anyone
} except his 1948 MG TC.
}
} One can easily understand the affection for the TC, which is why I
} recommend that you get yourself one. If you cannot find one you like
} and can afford, go for a TD. They are slightly more available.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1573 ******************************************

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