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Date: Mon, 15 May 17 16:15:20 -0500
From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1572

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1572
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1567 20 votes 16553 11783 73541 14672 2b322 15a22 06176 13862 03737 042a4
1567 3.2 mean 3.1 3.5 2.5 3.2 2.5 3.0 3.6 3.2 3.7 3.7

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 17 16:15:21 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1572-01

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

In my other question where I asked about "lurch" I meant lunch, but
now that I think about it, lurch may have been slightly totally
correct, because I am feeling rather ill, and I think it is your fault
for letting me bring it up again.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At least you didn't ask on Wednesday.
}
} You owe the Oracle some other Thing.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 17 16:15:22 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1572-02

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I have a list of some 314 things that I absolutely must accomplish by
the end of the day today. The minimum time required for any of them is
ten minutes. Some of them require unbounded time, and several require
hunting up or developing tools (software, hardware, hammerware, etc.)
from unknown locations.

If we were to assume that each task took only ten minutes, then 10*314
is 3140 minutes, which is about 52 hours.

We have not even included the time required for eating, brushing
teeth, checking e-mail, or asking questions of my Favorite Internet
Oracle.

How can I possibly get everything done? The usual suggestion is,
"Delegate," but I delegating to myself takes extra time and
self-criticism. I've already shot myself in the foot for being so
inept. What should I do next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As Einstein once said, "procrastination is like a black hole, both
} are attractive, but only one will make spaghetti out of you".
}
} Taking a leaf out of Einstein's book (he was once an amateur
} botanist), we can solve your problem using basic mathematics. We know
} that in 4.5 billion years or so, the Earth will be destroyed by the
} sun becoming a red giant. Thus, if you haven't done everything by
} then, it no longer matters.
}
} We can reduce the limit by noting that in 100 years time, you will be
} dead anyway, and it will no longer matter. Sorry if this is a shock
} to you; I'll give you some time to let this sink in. There, that
} should be long enough. The point is that your arbitrary limit of "by
} the end of the day" is meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
}
} Firstly, make a list of all the jobs that you have been asked to do
} by people older than you. These can clearly be ignored as those
} people will die before you, and not realise that you have no
} intention of ever doing them.
}
} Secondly, make a list of jobs that are so important that someone else
} will jump in and do them before your not doing them becomes a
} problem. Ignore these as well.
}
} Thirdly, make a list of all the jobs that are so easy that someone
} less skilled than you could do them. These are clearly not worth your
} time and energy, so the person who gave you these jobs clearly hates
} you. These jobs can be ignored.
}
} Fourthly, make a list of jobs that are too hard for you to do. The
} person who gave you these jobs is clearly a moron who is unable to
} delegate properly. These jobs can be ignored.
}
} There should now be precisely one job left on your list. Just
} remember that water flows downhill.
}
} You owe the Oracle a PowerPoint presentation on how to procrastinate.
} NOW!

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 17 16:15:23 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1572-03

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

This!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Right. The "!" operator signifies the factorial function. It is so
} powerful that it can turn zero into one. Observe:
}
} 0! = 1
}
} It gets big fast. It gets so big so fast that many computation schemes
} are unable to contain the result. For example, anything beyond 20!
} won't fit in a 64-bit integer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a value for (-1)!

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 17 16:15:25 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1572-04

Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My horse fell on me when we were getting ready for the 100 mile ride
to McMurdo Sound, and now I am pinned underneath him. He won't move
even if I yell and scream, which I have been doing for 6ix hours now.
It is time to bring in the cavalry to help me get out from under him,
and that's is why I am asking you. You won't laugh at me like penguins
do.

Please hurry. It is so cold!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid that all the king's horses are no longer allowed to help
} people who've fallen and can't get up, ever since the infamous Humpty
} Dumpty incident. It turns out that horses can get really spooked when
} bits of eggshell get caught in their shoes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a yolk yoke.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 17 16:15:26 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1572-05

Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

How do I sign up for pride insurance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We all know that the Bible says, "Pride goeth before a fall."
}
} So go and look that up. The closest you'll get is Proverbs 16:18, which
} says, "Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a
} fall."
}
} I, myself, the massive and wind-driven Internet Oracle, am but an
} amateur in providing profound but contradictory advice, when compared
} to the Holy Bible. I was assured in my pride in my own omniscience
} until I read Ephesians 2:8,9: "For by grace are ye saved through
} faith--not of works." And then James 2:24: "Ye see then how that by
} works a man is justified, and not by faith only."
}
} Yes, I can produce contradictions for you and tell you yes and no in
} the same breath, and that you both CAN and CANNOT insure your pride,
} but I'm nothing compared to the Bible, even though I am Pretty Damned
} Good.
}
} You either owe the Oracle a gilded lily, or yourself a gelded willy.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 17 16:15:27 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1572-06

Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I have to write a essay about Joyce Kilmer's poem Trees.

I'm supposed to tell why "she" wrote it.

How can I do that without suggesting to the professor that Joyce Kilmer wasn't "she" but was "he" because I am so awwwfully tempted to "Make A Statement" about professorial stupidity and ignorance? Like, "Prof, you gnumbskull, Joyce isn't "she" or "her" you iddddddiot!"

I was thinking of----
I think that I shall never see
A stupider professor than thee
but it doesn't quite scan.

(I can resist almost anything except temptation.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When rating someone's poetry,
} It matters not if "he" or "she",
}
} Dear learner whose mind is obsessed
} By whether someone had a breast
}
} Or what form, inter alia,
} They had for genitalia.
}
} You should not ultimately care
} If dress or pants they chose to wear.
}
} What matters more is how their brain,
} Could scenes highly nuanced explain.
}
} I set the test; I'm not the clot.
} You're meant to read George Eliot.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 17 16:15:28 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1572-07

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Astounding Oracle, you are an Amazing and Fantastic Analog of Thrilling Wonder Stories. What Weird Tales can you tell me today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I could tell you how I came to be in possession of a wild pig with
} tusks, but that would be a complete bore.
}
} Maybe the story of how I invented a teleportation machine that went
} wrong? I was literally beside myself.
}
} Or perhaps the story of how the garage used the wrong shade of red on
} my car? That one's a bit off-colour.
}
} The story of what happened when I snapped the end off my pencil? It's
} rather pointless.
}
} Possibly the tale of how I trained a dog to roller-skate? That usually
} falls flat.
}
} Maybe the tale of the bucket that is too big for its hole? That
} usually doesn't go down well.
}
} Would you enjoy the story of my invention to control my TV from a
} distance? Probably not even remotely.
}
} Perhaps the story of how I invented jewellery for sheep? That one's a
} bit rambling.
}
} Maybe you would like the story of how my oven failed yesterday while I
} was making a cake. That ended up half-baked.
}
} You might be intrigued to know that all the trees in my orchard caught
} a rare disease last year. That tale's a bit fruitless.
}
} You owe the Oracle a recording of the story of the auld empty barn as
} told by Private Frazer.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 17 16:15:29 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1572-08

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Everyone says Trump's just a bad dream and we will wake up and he'll
be gone.

Why isn't it happening? What is wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, not everyone agrees that Trump is a bad dream.
}
} For example, a certain Vlad P. of Moscow is rather enjoying it.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to pinch yourself every so often to see if
} you can wake up.
}
} If nothing else, it might briefly take your mind off the pain caused
} by drowning in medical bills.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 17 16:15:30 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1572-09

Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Resplurgent Oracle, you can Really Help Me this time!

I am studying Ancient Geography History and am disconfusulated by
Macedonia and Macadamia. They seem to be different. But how? I
mentioned it to Prof. Howe, who teaches Abnormal Psychology in his
spare time, and he says anybody who lives in Macademia is nuts.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Macadamia - the first Scottish man
} Macedonia - where he lived

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 17 16:15:31 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1572-10

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I am trying to cure The Plague. Ufnortunatley I wrote plaque. Not
placque neither. Uff da!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} /-------------------------\
} | Awarded to |
} | |
} | THE INTERNET SUPPLICANT |
} | |
} | for having the |
} | worst teeth |
} \-------------------------/

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1572 ******************************************

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