----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:19 -0500
From:
steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1555
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to
help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to
vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1555
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1550 18 votes 25443 33840 42723 36810 35532 18621 14481 22662 41733 13842
1550 2.9 mean 3.1 2.7 2.9 2.4 2.8 2.7 3.2 3.2 3.0 3.2
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:20 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-01
Selected-By: Christophe <
xof@chanticleer.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
My grandad pronounces humidity funny. You and I say humMIDity but he
says HUM-did-did-ity.
I clearly need to trade him in on someone just as quaint but less
idiotic. How can I get you are my replacement grampaw?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} What are you talking about? It is pronounced HUM-did-did-ity, you
} little scallywag.
}
} Grandad Oracle
}
} PS Careful kid, you nearly blew my cover. When I die (or at least,
} since the Oracle is an immortal being, fake my own death), I'll leave
} you the plans for the time-machine I used to go back in time and seduce
} your grandmother.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good amount of lobbying to ensure that inheritance
} tax does not cover "old but potentially valuable scientific equipment".
} It's for your own good, kid.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:21 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-02
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
I've got it. How do I flaunt it?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} As you know, a flautist plays the flute. So it's quite obvious that a
} flauntist (that'll be you) plays the fluent. He also preys on the
} affluent.
}
} You thought you had a good scheme, standing on the street corner with
} your hat on the ground, playing the fluent. Or maybe the flute. You
} could make up to three dollars in a day, or occasionally more if no one
} stole your hat.
}
} The correct method is totally different.
}
} Dress in a good suit of clothes. Approach someone similarly dressed,
} and say, "I'm terribly sorry to mention this, but I just got mugged,
} and the miscreant took my wallet and all my money. I don't have any way
} to get home. Could you possibly spare a twenty? If you'll give me your
} business card I'll see that I get it back to you, doubled." Prey on the
} affluent like this ten times in a day and you'll have $200.
}
} Never approach the same affluent person twice.
}
} If you feel OCD about that promise (to "get it back...doubled") then
} mail the sucker his business card back, folded.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:22 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-03
Selected-By: Dave <
lightinchains@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
"I'm not afraid to say it, that hairdo makes you look like Bert from
Sesame Street."
I almost posted this on Facebook, but I was afraid in fact, because he
didn't look like he had a sense of humor.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Wait a second here!
}
} Are you telling me Tim Chew actually got his first Facebook friend?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:23 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-04
Selected-By: Christophe <
xof@chanticleer.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
My map shows that Greenland and Africa are the same size but my
teacher says that is stupid and Greenland is 14 times bigger. How can
I trade in for a new one?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} That's easy! Those teachers are a dime a dozen.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:24 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-05
Selected-By: Christophe <
xof@chanticleer.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
That's the only girl I know who...
Uh, never mind. She might see this.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Indeed, she's my incarnation this time.
}
} Sorry, Bub.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:25 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-06
Selected-By: Christophe <
xof@chanticleer.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Dog person or cat person?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Listen, if you need my help to answer an entrace exam like that, then
} maybe higher education isn't for you.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:26 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-07
Selected-By: Ian Davis
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Is it true that no-one can buy happiness? Because I think I succeeded
once.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You _think_ you did, but that's only because you haven't gone to the
} doctor for that test yet.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:27 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-08
Selected-By: Tim Chew <
twchew@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
In this one "Peanuts" comic, Sally pulls "5", who pulls Schroeder, who
pulls Lucy, who pulls Shermy, who pulls Patty, who pulls Violet, who
pulls "Pig-pen", who pulls "3" and "4", who pull Freida, who pulls
Charlie Brown, who pulls Snoopy, who hangs for dear life on a tree
because he doesn't WANT another rabies shot!
What's the matter with him, anyway?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I don't want one either. You can have mine.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:28 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-09
Selected-By: Dave <
lightinchains@gmail.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
What's sugar times sugar times sugar?
Dang it, that only gets "sugar cubed", not "sugar cubes"! Grr, never
mind.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I'm fully supportive of your effort to run a themed coffee shop since
} times are tough even for physics graduates, but you should probably
} hire a proper barista for the flirty service bit.
}
} You owe the Oracle the fractal negative-spin antimatter non-fat grande
} cappuccino I ordered five minutes ago. No sugar, no jokes.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:29 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <
vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-10
Selected-By: twchew <
twchew@mindspring.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
I've decided I need a "heal-a-monster", so that I can be healed.
Where may I get one?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Go to the same place that other supplicant goes, the one who whines
} about "Steal toad shoes."
------------------------------
End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1555 ******************************************
--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)