• Internet Oracularities Digest #1555

    From oracle-request@internetoracle.org@21:1/5 to All on Wed Sep 9 12:48:32 2015
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    Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:19 -0500
    From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
    Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1555

    To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
    to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
    B Kinzler.)

    Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
    on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
    number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
    For example:
    1555
    2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

    1550 18 votes 25443 33840 42723 36810 35532 18621 14481 22662 41733 13842
    1550 2.9 mean 3.1 2.7 2.9 2.4 2.8 2.7 3.2 3.2 3.0 3.2

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:20 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-01

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    My grandad pronounces humidity funny. You and I say humMIDity but he
    says HUM-did-did-ity.

    I clearly need to trade him in on someone just as quaint but less
    idiotic. How can I get you are my replacement grampaw?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } What are you talking about? It is pronounced HUM-did-did-ity, you
    } little scallywag.
    }
    } Grandad Oracle
    }
    } PS Careful kid, you nearly blew my cover. When I die (or at least,
    } since the Oracle is an immortal being, fake my own death), I'll leave
    } you the plans for the time-machine I used to go back in time and seduce
    } your grandmother.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a good amount of lobbying to ensure that inheritance
    } tax does not cover "old but potentially valuable scientific equipment".
    } It's for your own good, kid.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:21 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-02

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    I've got it. How do I flaunt it?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } As you know, a flautist plays the flute. So it's quite obvious that a
    } flauntist (that'll be you) plays the fluent. He also preys on the
    } affluent.
    }
    } You thought you had a good scheme, standing on the street corner with
    } your hat on the ground, playing the fluent. Or maybe the flute. You
    } could make up to three dollars in a day, or occasionally more if no one
    } stole your hat.
    }
    } The correct method is totally different.
    }
    } Dress in a good suit of clothes. Approach someone similarly dressed,
    } and say, "I'm terribly sorry to mention this, but I just got mugged,
    } and the miscreant took my wallet and all my money. I don't have any way
    } to get home. Could you possibly spare a twenty? If you'll give me your
    } business card I'll see that I get it back to you, doubled." Prey on the
    } affluent like this ten times in a day and you'll have $200.
    }
    } Never approach the same affluent person twice.
    }
    } If you feel OCD about that promise (to "get it back...doubled") then
    } mail the sucker his business card back, folded.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:22 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-03

    Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    "I'm not afraid to say it, that hairdo makes you look like Bert from
    Sesame Street."

    I almost posted this on Facebook, but I was afraid in fact, because he
    didn't look like he had a sense of humor.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Wait a second here!
    }
    } Are you telling me Tim Chew actually got his first Facebook friend?

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:23 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-04

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    My map shows that Greenland and Africa are the same size but my
    teacher says that is stupid and Greenland is 14 times bigger. How can
    I trade in for a new one?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } That's easy! Those teachers are a dime a dozen.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:24 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-05

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    That's the only girl I know who...

    Uh, never mind. She might see this.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Indeed, she's my incarnation this time.
    }
    } Sorry, Bub.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:25 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-06

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Dog person or cat person?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Listen, if you need my help to answer an entrace exam like that, then
    } maybe higher education isn't for you.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:26 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-07

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Is it true that no-one can buy happiness? Because I think I succeeded
    once.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } You _think_ you did, but that's only because you haven't gone to the
    } doctor for that test yet.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:27 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-08

    Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    In this one "Peanuts" comic, Sally pulls "5", who pulls Schroeder, who
    pulls Lucy, who pulls Shermy, who pulls Patty, who pulls Violet, who
    pulls "Pig-pen", who pulls "3" and "4", who pull Freida, who pulls
    Charlie Brown, who pulls Snoopy, who hangs for dear life on a tree
    because he doesn't WANT another rabies shot!
    What's the matter with him, anyway?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } I don't want one either. You can have mine.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:28 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-09

    Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    What's sugar times sugar times sugar?

    Dang it, that only gets "sugar cubed", not "sugar cubes"! Grr, never
    mind.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } I'm fully supportive of your effort to run a themed coffee shop since
    } times are tough even for physics graduates, but you should probably
    } hire a proper barista for the flirty service bit.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle the fractal negative-spin antimatter non-fat grande
    } cappuccino I ordered five minutes ago. No sugar, no jokes.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 09 Sep 15 08:48:29 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1555-10

    Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    I've decided I need a "heal-a-monster", so that I can be healed.
    Where may I get one?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Go to the same place that other supplicant goes, the one who whines
    } about "Steal toad shoes."

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    End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1555 ******************************************

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