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Date: Thu, 23 Mar 17 09:17:30 -0500
From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1571

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1571
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1566 17 votes 22364 04931 11933 33623 16253 27143 14534 13454 11942 24452
1566 3.2 mean 3.5 3.1 3.4 2.9 3.2 2.9 3.3 3.5 3.3 3.1

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Date: Thu, 23 Mar 17 09:17:31 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1571-01

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why do the French call enamel "email"? It is excessively confusing.
Email is what I am using to send you this question, and it
is certainly NOT enamel.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's actually the origin of the term "email".
} Originally, messages over the internet were sent via the chattering
} of teeth to generate 1s and 0s.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Mar 17 09:17:32 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1571-02

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

A supplicant once asked a question
To do with hypnotic regression
The Oracle replied
With advice that implied

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "You think this will rhyme, but it won't."

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Mar 17 09:17:33 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1571-03

Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Nerves of solid rubber, quiet as a brass band, I sneak into the
Oracle's private airport to borrow his jet plane. The ensuing disaster
is going to be one helluva grovel.

The jet's not there! What shall I do?

Ha! Steal the helicopter.

Lucky I saw that video, "How To Fly A Plane." It was about the Piper
Cub, but there can't be that much difference.

Start the engine. Main rotor spinning. Woppa woppa woppa. Tail rotor spinning. Guinea, Guinea, Guinea, Guinea, Guinea.

Thousands of Italians tweeting at me, complaining about insults.

Anyway, that's how I'm grovelling today.

Pull this lever to go up, maybe.

Oops.

Fortunately I can swim.

What is today's answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle dumps out a bucket of dice. You can't see how many there
} are, but a lot. And all covered in pictures.
}
} "Ahem, the augury of the bones shall now be read!" intones Zadoc in
} his squeaky voice.
}
} The Oracle begins picking up dice seemingly at random and rattles off:
} "A sea turtle wearing a bikini top eating a chicken drum stick will
} parachute into a pirate's chest containing a martini glass and an
} umbrella. A telephone call for death incarnate about basketball. A
} kitten on a rocking chair dreams of flamingos flying a spaceship.
} Dynamite!" Then with a sweep of his arm the rest of the dice are
} returned to the bucket.
}
} Zadoc scratches his chin for a little bit. Then the pimple pops and
} he stops. "Okay, so like the Oracle has Spoken. It seems perfectly
} clear to me the message is about a poorly dressed guy swimming outside
} the Temple, but he is a drunk guy who doesn't like to get wet. Thus
} Death will be 'dunking' him soon. The form of demise is poorly aimed
} model rocket which knocks a drone out of the sky and then the lithium
} batteries exploded on impact with the swimmer."
}
} Zadoc collects your wallet and hands you a reciept that says in big
} friendly letters:
}
} NO REFUNDS
} NO EXCHANGES

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Mar 17 09:17:34 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1571-04

Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I was asking you about borons and why people always walk away when I
start asking questions, especially about borons. You walked away
instead of answering. That wasn't very good of you.

Apparently I complain about allot of things. My dad says I always am complaining and I told him I don't like to listen to his complaints
neither.

Did you know that nobody understands borons, mostly? In nucular
physics there are leptons (which everybody studies) and kleptons
(which I stole from Charlie McNamuss who was sitting next to me in the
exam).

I think that Charlie wrote kleptons because he knew I was gonna copy
his paper. I hate it when people do things like that! Anyway I flunked
the exam and the Professor said I should take physics for poets
because it is taught from a biology text about frogs, over in the
criminal science department by a music instructor. But that guy, Mr. Phlubert, but everybody calls him Mr. Flute-o-phone, says there is no
such thing as borons, so he is no help. He won't even let me write a
poem about borons, not even the poem I stole from Suziey Magpie last seamster.

Nobody wants to help me stop complaining, neither. How did you manage
to stop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, supplicant. Supplicant, supplicant, supplicant. There are so many,
} many wonderful ways to stop you from complaining. I'll just need you
} to sign this waiver first... and this insurance policy... and, waste
} not want not, this organ-donor card.
}
} "But," you're complaining (see!) now, "you're talking about killing me!"
}
} Well, yes, supplicant. That's how we'll stop you complaining.
}
} "But but but but," you continue to complain (sigh), "I technically
} didn't ask how *I* could stop complaining, I asked how *you* do it!"
}
} Well, supplicant, my dear dear supplicant, it's surprising how many of
} life's minor complaints softly vanish away when you're willing and
} able to kill every single one of the motherfuckers involved with no
} repercussions.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything, honestly. Your satisfaction is all
} that matters.
}
} I'd hate to think you might have any complaints.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Mar 17 09:17:35 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1571-05

Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Well, it was all very simple each of us, five in our entire Modern Shakespeare class, were to take one of the plays and analyze it. The
others got easy ones, like Hamlet or King Leer.

I got Troilus and Cressida. It's a godddam "problem" play because
nobody can tell if it's s'posed to be sad or funny.

Worse, I spelled it Trellis and Creosote in my paper because I
misbelieved stuff from my bootleg copy of MS Word. I should never have
let my so-called friend Snarky near my computer at all. You would
think I'd know by now not to trust anyone names Snarky, especially
Snarky himself. I wonder what other garbage he installed.

Anyway, my problem is how to get my grade of F exchanged with all the
others. Every one of them got an A grade. My F sort of upsets the
applesauce.

What would you do? I at least want the other students to get my grade.
I really want to give an F.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clearly your instructor has not thought through the clear implications
} of titling a course "Modern Shakespeare". One cannot take the old,
} unembellished, and quite frankly *pre*-modern language of the Bard and
} present it as *modern* without a substantial rewrite. This is how we
} get "Forbidden Planet" from "The Tempest"; "The Lion King" from
} "Hamlet"; and "10 Things I Hate About You" from "The Taming of the
} Shrew".
}
} The standard modern reinterpretation of "Troilus and Cressida" is
} "What would have happened to Romeo and Juliet if they lived?" but
} yours is an intriguingly different take. Rather than the Pythonesque
} Ms Creosote character, I suggest going to the tragic not Snarky end of
} the spectrum and resubmitting. If your reframe it in terms of the
} Second Gulf War, you can cast aspersions of your instructor being
} unpatriotic and point to the current political climate as the wrong
} time to be questioning if America is Great. With that career blackmail
} threat, you should be able to weasel your way up to at least a B.
}
} You owe the Oracle an adaption of "King Lear" with the Trump family
} substituted in.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Mar 17 09:17:36 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1571-06

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oh illustrious Oracle:
The Byzantine empire ended in the 15h century. Do the "Modern Greek
Studies" start around that epoch? Aka "How modern are Modern Greek
Studies"?

Also, why should I care?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From what I remember of my college days, "Modern Greek Studies"
} involved a lot of red plastic cups and regret.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Mar 17 09:17:37 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1571-07

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

On March the 12pth are we losing an hour, or gaining a timezone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just setting the hour aside so it can get a nice nap for a few months.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Mar 17 09:17:38 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1571-08

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Sorry. Correction to previous question. "Condom" should be "condemn."
Please supply revised answer.

Also please confiscate and destroy my voice-to-text phone ap.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "I'm rubber, you're glue" remains the correct answer to your ambiguous
} question regarding the damaged carpentry.
}
} You owe the Oracle an insurance premium.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Mar 17 09:17:39 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1571-09

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I just killed someone. How do we make this into a good murder mystery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We are treading dangerously close to the partially forbidden questions
} about how an Omniscient Oracle (like me) can forget something so
} he can then be surprised by it later. Or asking for the list of the
} things that the Oracle doesn't know.
}
} Here's what you must do.
}
} ((1)) Go and un-kill your victim. (Be careful to effect an actual
} unkilling so you don't introduce hidden zombies into the plot.)
}
} ((2)) Get a job as the victim's butler.
}
} ((3]) Make everyone except one crucial but obscure relative forget
} your evil past.
}
} ((4)) Allow the obscure relative to become paranoid but with good
} reason.
}
} ([5)) Put the paranoid (necessarily afraid of hidden zombies) in
} charge of the rest of the plot.
}
} You owe the Oracle an escape plan.

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Date: Thu, 23 Mar 17 09:17:40 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1571-10

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Atheists don't believe in God. What do they believe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracles.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1571 ******************************************

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