----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 14 Sep 16 09:43:09 -0500
From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1566

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1566
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1561 20 votes 05753 35633 33635 06851 04484 05942 03773 06752 06563 22457
1561 3.3 mean 3.3 2.9 3.2 3.0 3.6 3.1 3.5 3.1 3.3 3.6

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 14 Sep 16 09:43:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1566-01

Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oops, wrong number. Ex-wife says I now need thirty (30) reasons.
Sheesh!

As I asked you just a few minutes ago:

Please give me 20 reasons for me to oppose Donald Trump. I really
like the guy, and want to vote for him, but my fat ex-wife says I am
an idiot. I need to stay on her good side, though, because of, well,
you know.

Anyway, what are the best reasons I can tell her? They don't have to
be supportable, just sound good to her. She says he is even a bigger
idiot than me, which is stupid because I could never just stand up
and talk like he does. He doesn't even need a teleprompter. I couldn't
even talk my way out of a garbage wagon without a teleprompter. Or
with one.

So what can I say?

Oh, and thank you for being such a good sport about this. I know how
wearing stupid requests are when you get them. My ex-wife schooled me
well, and continues to do so. Double sheesh. (Oh, and if you have any
clue for "how to understand women" don't keep it to yourself. Thousands
of men out there are desperate for the answer. Not just thousands.
Millions. Or more.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So you want me to slim my "List of reasons to oppose Trump" down to
} just thirty.
}
} Normally an impossible task, but that's what the Internet Oracle is for.
}
} So without further ado:
}
} 1. He's an even bigger idiot than you.
} 2. Couldn't talk his way out of a garbage can.
} 3. Even with a teleprompter.
} 4. Says the first drivel that comes to his head.
} 5. Seems obsessed with hitting political opponents. It's not boxing,
} Donald!
} 6. No previous experience in politics. You don't become president
} without being a mayor or congressman or senator first.
} 7. Stupid ass hairpiece.
} 8. Stupid ass hair.
} 9. Stupid ass.
} 10. Takes disagreements personally.
} 11. Driven entirely by profits.
} 12. Would nuke somewhere if he thought there's profit in it. (Probably.)
} 13. Doesn't give a damn about the 1st amendment.
} 14. He doesn't even seem aware that it exists.
} 15. Doesn't know how many articles the constitution has.
} 16. I don't think he's ever read the constitution.
} 17. I don't think he's ever read a book.
} 18. Not even The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
} 19. I don't think he can even read.
} 20. Not even a teleprompter. Because if he could he'd stay on topic
} more.
} 21. He's consistently disrespectful to veterans.
} 22. He's being sued for fraud.
} 23. He says he has good relations with Vladimir Putin.
} 24. He'd be happy to allow Russian imperialist expansion.
} 25. He think "working very, very hard" counts as a sacrifice.
} 26. He doesn't understand sacrifice.
} 27. He doesn't understand how walls work.
} 28. He doesn't understand how to be diplomatic.
} 29. He doesn't understand his own plans, and keeps changing them.
} 30. He doesn't understand women.
}
} I don't have any record on "how to understand women". I can help you
} understand "wisteria", however: it's a purple-ish climbing plant,
} related to peas.
}
} You owe the oracle 40 reasons to oppose Clinton, and an essay on how to
} understand men.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 14 Sep 16 09:43:11 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1566-02

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Who was it that said "A journey of a thousand feet won't even take you
a mile, so why bother?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lao Tzu's younger brother Xing Ming. Tzu improved many of Ming's
} works, which is why he is famous and Ming isn't.
}
} The wise man looks into space and sees space.
} The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white, but you're a mess.
} When you are content to be yourself, nobody will notice.
} Lie to the honest. Lie to the dishonest. Just lie.
} Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is not worth it.
} When I let go of what I am, there just ain't much left.
} A leader is best when he makes sure he is always the center of
} attention. Loving someone deeply gives you the heebie-jeebies.
}
} You the Oracle the collected works of Chas. Franklin, Ernie Einstein,
} Mike Thoreau or Donald Trump.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 14 Sep 16 09:43:12 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1566-03

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My dad complains about apathy, but I don't see why he's so upset about
it. I mean, who cares?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well I certainly think the Society on World Human Apathy Truncation
} does!
}
} Here, let me get you their website URL....
} Huh, just a placeholder. I guess they are still working on it.
}
} Okay, lets find the Facebook page. Every organization has a Facebook
} page. Oh dear, nothing yet.
}
} Twitter handle then. You have Twitter, right? Let see..
} Oh, no tweets. And the avatar is still an egg. Must be working on that
} along with the website. Consistent marketing and all that.
}
} Let me call then. I will have them contact you.
} Went to voicemail. Message was the default one.
}
} Anyway, I am sure they will get right back to you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a whit.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 14 Sep 16 09:43:13 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1566-04

Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

This question is

Oh, sorry about that. It is both a question and not-a-question at the
same time and in the same way.

This question is not

Ugh. I seem to have gotten myself stuck? Ughh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you are indeed stuck.
}
} I guess what you REALLY want to know is what happened at the party
} last night, and why you woke up hogtied with your feet inside a big
} block of concrete.
}
} Let's just say that the Oracle don't fancy supplicants flirting to
} much with Lisa.
}
} You owe the Oracle a wheelbarrow, you are way to heavy to carry down
} to the dock.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 14 Sep 16 09:43:14 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1566-05

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I know that ALL CAPS is shouting, but I want to shout LOUDER!!! Where
can I get a typographic magnaphone that will make my notes to you not
only be SHOUTED but overwhelmingly huge, like 144-point type. I have
some big questions to ask you and they don't fit in regular type like
this.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} $ /usr/bin/figlet LIKE THIS?
} _ ___ _ _______ _____ _ _ ___ ____ ___
} | | |_ _| |/ / ____| |_ _| | | |_ _/ ___|__ \
} | | | || ' /| _| | | | |_| || |\___ \ / /
} | |___ | || . \| |___ | | | _ || | ___) |_|
} |_____|___|_|\_\_____| |_| |_| |_|___|____/(_)
}
} (If you're not using a monospaced font, you are a terrible supplicant)

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 14 Sep 16 09:43:15 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1566-06

Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I really enjoy reading on this website, it holds great articles. Don't
put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. by
Miguel de Cervantes. fbakefkkegddfecb

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks, Mike, for your kind remarks on this, the 400th anniversary of
} your death.
}
} Keep reading--in addition to the great articles, you'll find many
} excellent prepositions.
}
} In exchange for your sage advice, I give you this in return: "Don't let
} your cat walk on your keyboard."

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 14 Sep 16 09:43:16 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1566-07

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I was trying to understand the singular of the word kudos which
looks plural but maybe isn't, like there maybe isn't one
lonesome kudo, and my dad said, "Trousers!"

I asked him to explain and he said they are an uncommon noun, singular
at the top and plural at the bottom.

Please give me three other silly grammatical gems. I can't let Dad
win this one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hippopotamus->Hippopotami
} Octopus->Octopi
} Platypus->Platypi
} Ignoramus->Ignorami
} Virus->Viri
} Emus->Emi
} Thus->thi
} Plus->Pli
} Bus->Bi
} Pus->Pi
} Us->I

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 14 Sep 16 09:43:17 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1566-08

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

How would YOU feel if it turned out your husband was really a one-eyed
green alien split throughout time whose exploding rocket had been the catalyst for life on Earth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just when you thought this election couldn't get any weirder.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 14 Sep 16 09:43:18 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1566-09

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please tell me about King Author. I need something I won't find on the Innernet so I don't get told again I have plaggerized from
Wikkipeedia. Again.

Oh and I truned of the spell correcter today because it said
everything was wrong. But you are a Wise Oracle and can unnerstand
anyways.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} King Author is a legendary almost-King of England. His short, if
} entertaining, duel with King Arthur is the origin of the saying not to
} bring a feather to a sword fight.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 14 Sep 16 09:43:19 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1566-10

Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

In my country we all clowns and all talk funny. All the letters are pronounced different.

Here is your alphabet:

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Here is mine:

NOPQRSTUVWXYZABCDEFGHIJKLM

Fb urer vf gur erfg bs zl dhrfgvba, va zl bja pybja nycunorg. Jul qb
pybjaf fzryy shaal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gur Benpyr, univat frra guvf xvaq bs dhrfgvba orsber, fnlf vg fgvaxf.
}
} Lbh bjr gur Benpyr n Pybja Sbezng gb ercynpr gur ZVZR sbezng V bsgra
} frr.

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1566 ******************************************

--- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05
* Origin: fsxNet Usenet Gateway (21:1/5)