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Date: Thu, 16 Jun 16 09:22:39 -0500
From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1564

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1564
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1559 21 votes 08643 25851 11676 19533 025a4 33555 55920 54453 46731 34554
1559 3.1 mean 3.1 2.9 3.8 2.9 3.8 3.3 2.4 2.9 2.6 3.1

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 16 Jun 16 09:22:40 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1564-01

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I think my sister is expectorating a baby but I don't know what. Will
I be an aunt or an uncle?

Oh, and I should grovel more. I am so sorry that I stupidly spelled
every thing wrong in that other question. This time well be better
four sure.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If she's expectorating the baby, then it's automatically a Flemish
} citizen.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 16 Jun 16 09:22:41 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1564-02

Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Shouldn't be any chemicals. Just natural stuff. Anything with a name I
can't pronounce isn't natural. Or acids. They ain't natural at all.

Look at that list. Ascorbic ACID. Cyanocobalamin.

I'm not eating ANY of that stuff. Just healthy natural foods.

Where do you get your natural foods?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hate to break it to you, but you're not going far enough. You
} probably think organic vegetables are "natural", when they're made up
} of compounds. You know who else liked compounds? Hitler. Everything he
} ate was a compound. Even his prisons had compounds in them.
}
} I'm proud to say that I never eat anything that wasn't produced
} naturally in the first half-hour after the Big Bang. My diet consists
} purely of hydrogen and helium, with occasional trace amounts of
} lithium as a special treat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a smear campaign against hydrogen, featuring the
} Hindenburg disaster, and sponsored by Quarn, the makers of delicious
} quark soup (now available in six flavours).

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 16 Jun 16 09:22:42 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1564-03

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

When I was asking you about my phone I wrote "batty" where I meant
"battery" and you said I certainly was batty.

Well, that may possibly be true, but what about the battery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, that explains it. I wondered why you were trying to report a salt
} and batty using your phone.
} I thought you were referring to a romantic liaison between Norah Batty
} and a sailor.
}
} As for the battery, you're right, covering it in sodium chloride and
} putting it in a microwave will stop its acidic discharge.
}
} You owe the Oracle a script for "Last of the Sumo Whine", a Japanese
} sitcom about dissatisfied wrestlers.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 16 Jun 16 09:22:43 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1564-04

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Help Desk

Scheduled Maintenance & Upgrade

Your account is in the process of being upgraded to a newest
Windows-based servers and an enhanced online email interface inline
with internet infrastructure Maintenance. The new servers will provide
better anti-spam and anti-virus functions, along with IMAP Support for
mobile devices to enhance your usage.

To ensure that your account is not disrupted but active during and
after this upgrade, you are required to kindly confirm your account by stating the details below:

* Domain\user name:
* Password:

This will prompt the upgrade of your account.

Failure to acknowledge the receipt of this notification, might result
to a temporary deactivation of your account from our database. Your
account shall remain active upon your confirmation of your login
details.

During this maintenance window, there may be periods of interruption
to email services. This will include sending and receiving email in
Outlook, on webmail, and on mobile devices. Also, if you leave your
Mailbox open during the maintenance period, you may be prompted to
close and reopen.

We appreciate your patience as this maintenance is performed and we do apologize for any inconveniences caused.

Sincerely,

Customer Care Team

***This message is intended for the use of the individual or entity to
which it is addressed, and may contain information that is privileged, confidential and exempt from disclosure under applicable law. If the
reader of this message is not the intended recipient, or the employee
or agent responsible for delivering the message to the intended
recipient, you are hereby notified that any dissemination,
distribution or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To whom it may concern,
}
} Please start the upgrade for me:
}
} Domain\user name: honeypot\fisher
} Password: Rem0te&ZOT&protocol&2
}
} Thanks!
} Orrie

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 16 Jun 16 09:22:44 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1564-05

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I dreamt I was smoking a cigar. What does it mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means you should wake up, leave the building, and call the fire
} department.
}
} You owe the Oracle the insurance settlement.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 16 Jun 16 09:22:45 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1564-06

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I desperately need to build a cavity magnetron. I bought the plans for
$650 from some guy on Craig's List (they haven't arrived yet) but I
want to gather the correct parts. I have an old pickle jar, some bent
coat hangers, and a set of left-handed golf clubs. What else will I
need?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A large roll of 28 AWG insulated copper wire, a 1.0 farad capacitor,
} a coat hanger straightener, a cardboard cutout of Taylor Swift,
} a team of nuclear engineers from MIT, your first born child,
} a bowl of clam chowder (no tomatoes), a mating pair of monarch
} butterflies, a team of nuclear engineers from Stanford, a kale
} salad (with tomatoes), two, no, make it three 9 volt batteries,
} a copy of Donald Trump's 1983 federal income tax return, a
} team of referees for the MIT/Stanford game (in striped shirts),
} some old pickles, a map of Moab, Utah, a scientific paper published
} in a scientific journal (any subject, you choose), a tornado siren,
} an unauthorized autobiography of Madonna, the minutes from a
} non-profit 501(c)(3) board meeting, a vaccine for the zika virus,
} a way to tell right from wrong, a note from your mother, a
} photograph of the entire cast of The Wizard of Oz (except the
} munchkins), an appropriate grovel, a left-handed golf course,
} the graduating class of Scottsdale High School (except Suzie
} McCrossen who has mononucleosis), a parking permit for a
} Pittsburg Pirates baseball game, a plethora of perseverance, an
} another large roll of 28 AWG insulated copper wire.
}
} You owe the Oracle ... wait a minute ... you'll need plans for a cavity
} magnetron. That guy on Craig's list took your money, but you'll never
} get anything from him.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 1967 Amana Radarange.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 16 Jun 16 09:22:46 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1564-07

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Why did you set my house on fire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you are the one who asked about the best way to meet someone hot!

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 16 Jun 16 09:22:47 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1564-08

Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Still trying to figure out how to convert from square degrees
Fahrenheight to cubic seconds. None of the usual conversion factors
seem to work. There has to be some way to do this, or else my physics homework problem will be wrong.

And don't go and tell me to re-read the original problem. I did that
already.

Oops. I think I invertolated one of the terms.

No matter, answer my question anyway. I'm sure you are smart enough to
figure out what I need, disregardless.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant-ish,
}
} This is pretty simple
}
} 1) Convert square degrees Farhenheight to square degrees Fahrenwidth
} by pushing it over and dividing by 0.35.
} 2) Convert that to square degrees Calvin (for simplicity) by adding
} Bradbury's constant, 451 (being careful not to set yourself on fire).
} 3) Now, here you can go one of two ways... either square degrees
} Calvin to square degrees Hobbes, or stuff the whole thing in a Klein
} bottle. A lot of people go from Calvin to Klein, but Calvin to
} Hobbes is much easier, and you don't have to turn your face inside
} out to do it. To convert from Calvin to Hobbes, just make funny
} noises at dinner.
} 4) Now that you've converted to square degrees Hobbes, you have to
} jump into a cardboard box and transmogrify it to cubic seconds
} Hobbes. You might see a dinosaur while you do this, but don't get
} too close and you'll be OK.
} 5) From here you go backwards... cubic seconds Hobbes to cubic seconds
} Calvin by pretending you're not a stuffed animal. This should be
} relatively easy, unless you really are a stuffed animal. If you
} are, I'm kind of impressed with your typing skills.
} 6) From cubic seconds Calvin you go back to cubic seconds Farhrenwidth
} by climbing into your tree fort and recite an oath (of your choosing)
} with a mouthful of Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs.
} 7) Here's the hard part... To convert from cubic seconds Farthenwidth
} to cubic seconds Farhenheight you have to have 1238 of your closest
} friends, and 3 of your closest enemies to help push it back up again
} while at the same time multiplying by 2 and humming.
}
} Voila! Converted to cubic seconds Farhenheight. Like I said...
} simple.
}
} You owe the Oracle the original slider rule.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 16 Jun 16 09:22:48 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1564-09

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

This is a multi-part message in MIME format.

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And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um, no thanks, I'm full. Couldn't eat another byte.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 16 Jun 16 09:22:49 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1564-10

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Let's have a sarcasm contest!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You seem to think there needs to be a contest. Rather sharp of you.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1564 ******************************************

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