• Internet Oracularities Digest #1563

    From oracle-request@internetoracle.org@21:1/5 to All on Thu May 19 13:42:29 2016
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    Date: Thu, 19 May 16 09:42:17 -0500
    From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
    Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1563

    To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
    to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
    B Kinzler.)

    Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
    on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
    number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
    For example:
    1563
    2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

    1558 23 votes 07664 44933 14954 23972 04874 25871 03884 01697 26924 0236c
    1558 3.4 mean 3.3 2.9 3.3 3.2 3.5 3.0 3.6 4.0 3.0 4.2

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 19 May 16 09:42:18 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1563-01

    Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dan@klein.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    I changed my mind!

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } That's OK. It's good for you. Unless you're a politician.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a waffle.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 19 May 16 09:42:19 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1563-02

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Please tellme all about McDonald Trump.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Gather round children, and listen to this tale of your forefathers.
    } Timmy, stop playing with your Simba toy, and pay attention.
    }
    } It was in year of our salvation, 1AD (Anno Donaldi - referred to by
    } non-Donaldians as the DE - Donaldian Era), that our Lord and Master,
    } Donald Trump (as he was then known) came to power. His coming had been
    } foreshadowed since the year 77 BD (Before Donald) in the rise of the
    } Great Provider, McDonalds. It was they that demonstrated the power of
    } capitalism, and the potential for spreading our message of Happiness
    } for all people.
    }
    } The Great Prophet, Ronald McDonald, was a prefiguring of Donald. He had
    } shocking orange hair, yellow suit, and white skin. He thus demonstrated
    } the type that Donald would be, without pre-desecrating his memory by
    } appearing in that Most Holy Form of shocking yellow hair, orange skin,
    } and white suit. The Great Ronald loved children, and welcomed them to
    } his bosom, helping them to grow by feeding them with yellow food.
    }
    } Born when McDonald's was but a child, Donald Trump grew in wealth, and
    } in power too. He sought many apprentices to aid him in his task, but
    } few were found worthy. At last, he gathered his closest advisors to
    } him, and decided to run for ultimate power. That tale is well known,
    } and will not be told this night.
    }
    } Billy, do you have something to ask? You are the largest child here, it
    } is your right.
    }
    } "How is this night different from other nights?"
    }
    } A good question, Billy. It was on this night that President Donald
    } Trump changed his name. "Trump" was a name of ridicule throughout the
    } non-American world, meaning, "source of foul wind". But, the Great
    } Prophet had made the way plain. The McDonald's Corporation had already
    } spread its knowledge over the whole globe, and the name was accepted
    } and loved throughout every nation. In order to make himself more
    } acceptable to other nations, our Lord sold all that he had, bought that
    } McDonald's Corporation, and renamed himself as Donald McDonald Trump.
    }
    } Thus it is, in this the year 1027AD that we are still giving thanks for
    } our most gracious Lord, who was taken from us at the absurdly old age
    } of 80 years following a heart attack. People lived a lot longer back
    } then, and their lives were full of pain and misery. Our lives are now
    } more full of Happiness, and thankfully shorter due to the obesity
    } epidemic brought on by our McDonald's diet. All thanks be to Donald for
    } his vision.
    }
    } What was that Samantha? Did you just call the Great McDonald "Shouty
    } McShout Face"? Heathen!! You will be flung out into the darkness, where
    } there will be endless wall-building and gnashing of those tiny
    } chattering teeth you get in European restaurants. They seek to emulate
    } our Happy Meal Toys, but can only manage a poor rendition of our
    } perfection. In time, they will all come to True Happy Meals.
    }
    } And now, let us join in the ancient hymn of praise, "The Fat-Speckled
    } Napkin", before gathering around the Communal Ketchup Dip.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a promise to vote (if you can) for a less dystopian
    } future. Something inspired by Philip K. Dick would suffice.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 19 May 16 09:42:20 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1563-03

    Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Hey Orrie, I've noticed that if I do only 99% of my math homework I
    still get a grade that's indistinguishable from what I get
    if I do 100%. And if I do 98% it's pretty much
    indistinguishable from what I get if I do 99%. (I normally
    get only about 85% of the problems right, anyway.)

    Continuing that thought, why can't I do maybe 14% and still get a
    pretty good grade? Each point down that slope is nearly
    indistinguishable from the next point up or down. Why
    doesn't it work?

    And what can I do to make up for the results of my experiments in
    doing only 7 out of 50 problems? Don't suggest drinking more
    beer this time. I can't buy it legally, which means I'd have
    to steal it.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } You, sir or madam, are a genius (or you would be if you'd lived 500
    } years ago).
    }
    } What you have discovered (except that Newton and Leibnitz beat you
    } to it), is the theory of infinitesimals, combined with Taylor's
    } theorem. This says that you can determine the global behaviour of a
    } function (in this case, your grades) by examining how it behaves
    } under very small changes (in this case, your total effort) local to
    } a point.
    }
    } Your scheme doesn't work because grades are discontinuous, at the
    } jump from A- to B+, for example. Taylor's theorem therefore does not
    } apply.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle the solution to this by the discovery of measure
    } theory, where a measure is 25ml of vodka*.
    }
    } * Please drink responsibly. Do not drink if you are under the age
    } limit for drinking alcohol in your country. Alcohol purchase and
    } consumption is regulated by law. The Internet Oracle does not
    } condone excessive drinking unless you end up doing something really
    } funny.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 19 May 16 09:42:21 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1563-04

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    That guy in front of me needs a haircut; his hair is almost feminine.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Here you go:
    }
    } --------------------------------------------
    } | This coupon plus 25 cents good for one |
    } | 25-cent haircut at Sam The Barber in |
    } | Island River City. Expires 21 June 1948. |
    } ---------------------------------------------
    }
    } Not only will he get a haircut, but you won't see him until 1947.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle H. G. Wells, Orson Welles, Orson Bean, and Hg(CNO)2.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 19 May 16 09:42:22 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1563-05

    Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Um, Orrie? Is it just me, or do you have a TRIPLE standard?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Sorry, babe, I have absolutely no standards.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 19 May 16 09:42:23 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1563-06

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    My car crepes forwards. But in France they eat crepes. How do they
    avoid?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Just use self raising fuel. That should give it some suspension to stop
    } it from creping.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 19 May 16 09:42:24 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1563-07

    Selected-By: Ian Davis

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Is it true that Mormons go to the temple to do ceilings?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } No. *Sealants*.
    } Mormons are a whole colony of Utah dentists. Have you seen the smiles
    } on their door-to-door salesmen? Flawless!

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 19 May 16 09:42:25 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1563-08

    Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Is my nemesis dead...or just sleeping?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } This is best answered with Schroedinger's Cthulhu, a little known
    } thought experiment meant to illustrate quantum physics which was
    } proposed by Schroedinger a few weeks before the more famous cat
    } variant. It goes like this:
    }
    } Imagine a box. Suppose Dead Cthulhu is in that box, sleeping, dreaming
    } of devouring our world and turning us into a gibbering madmen,
    } because the horrors beyond the stars that he will release are so far
    } out of your comprehension that the only answer your mind will find to
    } them is the consoling safety of madness. Do you know what Dead Cthulhu
    } is dreaming before you open the box? Do you want to open it? How can he
    } be both dead and sleeping? The box has strange angles, angles that
    } should not even be possible, and the mere sight of it sickens you, it
    } is as if your heart has been spinning in the bottomless void. You are a
    } scientist, you want to know what is in the box, but no, you do not want
    } to know, the angles are wrong, your head is all wrong, you really do
    } not want to know, because Dread Cthulhu lies dreaming, Ph'nglui
    } mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! fhtagn!
    }
    } The experiment was discarded by Schoedinger after his entire class
    } had to be committed to the Arkham Asylum. But Schoedinger
    } remembered it, because Schroedinger knew that Yog-Sothoth is the
    } gate.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle Shoggoth-repellent.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 19 May 16 09:42:26 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1563-09

    Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    hi tellme

    Please refer to the attached document contains invoices
    Let me know if it's correct

    Regards,
    Lea Ellison

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } hi lea
    }
    } Please find attached copies of your invoices complete with the original
    } bugs and viruses and a few new ones for your colleagues.
    }
    } Yours
    } The I. Oracle

    ------------------------------

    Date: Thu, 19 May 16 09:42:27 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1563-10

    Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    My brother doesn't seem to think this is a humor site. How do I explain
    it to him?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Hi suplicant, Og here. Oracle gone out for binge with friends Zeus and
    } Odin, Lisa in town shopping new lingerie and Zadoc sitting in room,
    } covering in corner and sobbing. So Og now answer queries.
    }
    } You tell brother: "it" is personal pronoun, singular neuter. Stand for
    } thing what already mentioned once and writer not want to mention again
    } second time. Or third time. Or fourth. Eketra, Og know many more
    } number, but that too much for scope of query now.
    }
    } Supplicant owe Og: supplicant hit dum-dum brother on head what not even
    } know basic English grammar word. Maybe help dum-dum think better in
    } future.

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    End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1563 ******************************************

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