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Date: Thu, 07 Apr 16 15:58:43 -0500
From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1562

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1562
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1557 21 votes 10974 15744 26a30 17643 36435 31575 23772 14916 05178 38622
1557 3.2 mean 3.6 3.2 2.7 3.0 3.0 3.5 3.2 3.3 3.9 2.6

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Date: Thu, 07 Apr 16 15:58:44 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1562-01

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I have a question regarding the questions of what's his name, Ronald
Bassoo, about immigration. Should we have an Open Door and allow
criminals and everybody in, or should we have a Closed Door and only
allow Selected Criminals?

Besides, I have noticed a problem with our own Criminal Class. I don't
know where to go for the lessons.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lock the door and only let the true Rogues through.
} Hope they roll natural 20s.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 07 Apr 16 15:58:45 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1562-02

Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

You are accordion invited to my birthday partly on Suddenly the 27th of Martin at my horse on the cornet of Main Street and Forth Ave at three o'clock in the aftermath.

No birthday presence required.

BYOC (bring your own cake).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's some bad spelling! Was I invited just by chants?

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Date: Thu, 07 Apr 16 15:58:46 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1562-03

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Benefits Of Joomla Web Development?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. It's not Wordpress.
} 2. It's not Wordpress.
} 3. It's not Wordpress.
} 4. It's not Wordpress.
} 5. It's not Wordpress.

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Date: Thu, 07 Apr 16 15:58:47 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1562-04

Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Quality Social Services to improve web presence http://www.conversation-seo.in/social-media-package/

Unsubscribe Option available on the footer of our website

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Give me a minute...
}
} NO. DARTH VADER JUST CAN'T BE MY FATHER!
} NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! COME ON CHEWY, TURN
} ON THE HYPERDRIVE!!!
}
} Ok, so I'm back.
}
} Wait. I SWEAR, IF THIS IS DARTH VADER'S SPACE TELEMARKETER SERVICE
} AGAIN, I WILL HOT GLUE YOU AND YOUR UNQUESTIONABLY LARGE NOSE TO THE
} LASER OF THE DEATH STAR.
}
} By the way, I would like a cheese pizza with no pepperoni delivered to
} the Millennium Falcon because Me and Chewbacca are starting to get
} hungry. Just take the pizza to the Millennium Falcon on Tatooine. It's
} parked near the Hyperdrive store.
}
} Sent from Luke Skywalker, in absence of The Internet Oracle, who is
} taking a vacation to the planet of Naboo.

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Date: Thu, 07 Apr 16 15:58:48 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1562-05

Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What are these two light switches in my house for? They don't seem to
do anything. Watch.

See? Nothing happened! Did it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't use the first switch! This switch causes earthquakes in China.
} You can use other switch as often as you like. It just shortens your
} lifespan by 10 year every time you use it. See you soon! You own the
} oracle a six pack of beer. Just bring it along.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 07 Apr 16 15:58:49 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1562-06

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

How can I get to be taller? I'm only 19yrs old so I still can grow
more I'm shure. I am very short for someone of my hight.

I tryed eating lots of tall vegs like string beans and aspergas and
celry.

My mother says stand up strait but that is too much trouble, so you
won't say that.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well saying 'stand up strait' seems like a lot less trouble than
} coming up with another answer, but there you go.
}
} Anyway, you obviously want to get tall while laying on your back.
} Replacing your veggie diet with McDonalds food should do the trick.

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Date: Thu, 07 Apr 16 15:58:50 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1562-07

Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

In our Statistics class we were supposed to study Poisson
distributions. The professor gave us poison distributions by mistake
and half of us died.

Should I have taken Physics for Poets instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Physicists
} need
} more poets
} to name their new energies
} new particles
} new theories
} new new new.
}
} Poets
} need
} more physicists
} to find them new worlds
} new microverses
} new interactions
} new knew new.
}
} BUT
} watch out!
}
} When that newton-meter
} Meets that poetic meter;
} When that high energy particle
} Meets that high energy prosody;
} When the quantum scanning
} Meets the quanta scansion;
}
} That rhythmical stress
} can express
} a forceful caress
} that makes the Muse: murderess.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 07 Apr 16 15:58:51 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1562-08

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Other people have dogs that say, "Woof! Woof!"

My dog says, "Bark! Bark!"

What am I doing wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ask him what's on top of the house, instead of what's on the outside of
} a tree.

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Date: Thu, 07 Apr 16 15:58:52 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1562-09

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

ADD is "Attention Deficit Disorder"; what is SUBTRACT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicants Unnecessarily Broaching Terrible Requests/Asserting
} Crappy Topics

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Date: Thu, 07 Apr 16 15:58:53 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1562-10

Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Do I have an "I owe" error?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly. I just executed your problem on an IBM 360/67 that I keep in
} the attic and it says:
}
} IEH0000 UNABLE TO LOAD ERROR HANDLER.
}
} You owe IBM an error handler.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1562 ******************************************

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