• Internet Oracularities Digest #1561

    From oracle-request@internetoracle.org@21:1/5 to All on Wed Mar 2 20:21:28 2016
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    Date: Wed, 02 Mar 16 15:21:16 -0500
    From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
    Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1561

    To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
    to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
    B Kinzler.)

    Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
    on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
    number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
    For example:
    1561
    2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

    1556 20 votes 41762 24743 15590 45371 16454 21854 11468 30863 12755 24842
    1556 3.2 mean 3.0 3.1 3.1 2.8 3.2 3.4 4.0 3.3 3.5 3.0

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 02 Mar 16 15:21:17 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1561-01

    Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Why did the Good Lord invent women? They're such dangerous creatures.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } One fine day around the Beginning of Time the Good Lord was bored.
    } It's really boring when everything you have Created is Good.
    } He said to Adam, "May I borrow a rib?"
    }
    } Adam handed him the jawbone of an ass, and the Good Lord said, "We
    } won't be needing that until Judges 15:16. Why don't you just
    } take a nice nap?"
    }
    } So Adam lay down to sleep, and God Created Woman.
    }
    } Nothing's been the same since.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 02 Mar 16 15:21:18 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1561-02

    Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Why does the after before thing whenever if in when her the age
    question does cheese and if when neither so lemon curry?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Sometimes a question is so unique that it contains its own answer. Your
    } question (congratulations!) is one of those. It's more than unique,
    } even more than doubly unique!!! It is so unique that it flew out the
    } window, bounced off the "gazing ball" garden globe next to the cabbage
    } shredder, and returned inverted, where an astonished Zadoc took it to
    } be half of a micro-droid.
    }
    } Valiantly, Zadoc attacked it with his flyswatters. All of them now lie
    } shredded on the floor, mixed with what is left of the cabbage.
    }
    } Your impossibly unique question is victorious, and has won the Grand
    } Prize for Multiple Uniqueness.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a question that is 16 times as unique as this one
    } was. Wait! The competition is gaining on us. Make that 64 times as
    } unique.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 02 Mar 16 15:21:19 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1561-03

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Buy your watches here- http://goo.gl/8xMcwz

    a fy iphei ikp vxr ys

    ohnh jmp c y az jrt

    h zoln gej lhfpi q hd

    mesz w jxoh be tbi ls

    ylkjo bw vbtb qexlf wttnx vemg

    awa plrmi k sgm gx nz

    xizp i m fy ffvwg bqxo

    at uvta r am tuqp hndod

    anq lqksx zj ohe ufehc kx

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } That's not what I meant when I said I wanted you to answer "in your own
    } words."

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 02 Mar 16 15:21:20 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1561-04

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Don't you hate it when a sentence doesn't end the way it octopus?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } No it does not bother me at cranberry. In fact sometimes its quite fun
    } to nose. Anyway, fetch me the staff of enjoyment.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a circle.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 02 Mar 16 15:21:21 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1561-05

    Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Please tell me how I can stop Donald Turnip.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Perhaps Celery Clinton can Beet him.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 02 Mar 16 15:21:22 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1561-06

    Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Enough already! I asked you about the French word "soupcon"
    and finally, FINALLY I figured out that it has NOTHING TO DO
    WITH SOUP. Mostly. Or soup-spoons neither. Mostly. It means (get
    this!) "suspicion"!!!!!!

    As if THAT had something to do with cooking.

    Harrumpph!

    NOW I am suspicious!!

    Why would the French use the word for suspicion as if it was a
    cup-full or a soup-spoon-full? "Add" (the recipe said) "a SOUPCON of
    tabasco sauce."

    So I put in a soup spoon full.

    Whooo-wheeeee! You don't need that much. The godddam recipe lied to
    me, it did. My eyeballs were on fire!!

    What's with this suspicion?

    As I said, it makes me suspicious. Especially about anything French.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Why, young sir, it has EVERYTHING to do with SOUP!
    }
    } Las Vegas, NV January 2017 Reserved seating still available.
    }
    } SOUP CON '17!
    }
    } With all the latest gadgets, gizmos, toys and flavors available to any
    } connoisseur.
    }
    } That's right, get your soup on! Featuring these vendors!
    }
    } Apple, Microsoft, BMW, Campbell, Oreo, Marlboro, Hershey, Disney, Franco
    } American to name just a few!
    }
    } See, the world's LARGEST Cup-O-Soup!
    }
    } Come taste new sensations. Cabbage & Pear, Musk, Ketchup & Mustard, and
    } let's not forget Mort-Aux-Rats!
    }
    } Tickets on sale NOW!
    }
    } You owe the Oracle a smidgen of hot sauce.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 02 Mar 16 15:21:23 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1561-07

    Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <dan@klein.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Dang it, I got a $1300 refund (actually $800 from one and $500 from
    another), and now I feel rich! What should I do now!

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } There are various ways to use up extra money. The most common are drugs
    } and alcohol, but playing the lottery is right up there, along with
    } investing in some enticing scheme for which a Former Nigerian Prince
    } has selected YOU ALONE as his partner in recovering lost wealth.
    }
    } All those paths are for losers. After the money runs out you still need
    } more drugs or alcohol, and you end up hovering around supermarket
    } parking lots, "Hey, buddy, can you spare $2 so I can buy a hamburger? I
    } haven't eaten in three days?" Worse luck if you use that identical line
    } on the same guy two days in a row.
    }
    } The lottery? You get back only $60 for every $100 you put in, if that
    } much.
    }
    } And you already know all about the Former Prince. (NO, not THAT Prince,
    } not the unpronounceable sign, but instead the one who asks for your
    } bank account number.)
    }
    } So what to do?
    }
    } Invest in ORACULAR ENTERPRISES instead. Here at our headquarters in
    } Former Bloomington we (that's Zadoc and I) have a multitude of
    } businesses that should get going Real Soon Now, and all we lack is
    } sufficient start-up capital. But don't just send off your $1300 without
    } a plan. Instead, get all your friends to pool their money together for
    } you, promising to pay each of them $7 at the end of the month for each
    } $5 they put in now. Pay off the current investors with the new money
    } coming in. You can easily see that as long as you have a good and
    } growing number of friends you will soon be rich enough to invest not
    } just $1300, but $130,000 or more in my businesses. Maybe even
    } MILLIONS!!!
    }
    } What do I promise you in return for your money? Omniscience! I will
    } grant you the power of knowing EVERYTHING!!! Including HOW TO BE
    } RICH!!!!!!! Yes, that's within my ability, because (as you already
    } know) I already know everything, including how to teach you how to know
    } everything.
    }
    } Now I can understand that you may doubt me. DO NOT DOUBT ME, this is my
    } true area of expertise, and you can be sure that the correct was to
    } succeed is to bring in somebody who knows success.
    }
    } I can tell you are still doubting. You are thinking, "Why doesn't this
    } so-called omniscient idiot just use his smarts to get money without
    } bothering me? And WHY ME"
    }
    } Ahh, but there's the beauty of it. I know how to appeal to your innate
    } greed, and that's what I am doing. Alone we would both fail, but
    } together, with your greed and your ability to gather your friends in
    } helping, you will further all our goals, and I will, I mean WE will
    } become unspeakably rich. You are UNIQUELY QUALIFIED for this task. No
    } other person has what you have, and it's exactly what I need, hence my
    } invitation to you.
    }
    } Simply send me your back account number, and don't forget to get all
    } your friends (and THEIR friends) involved in investing, the more the
    } faster, and the faster the quicker.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 02 Mar 16 15:21:24 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1561-08

    Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    I know about the board game called The Game of Life, but what if there
    was a Game of Death?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } You are playing it right now. If you'll just hold still for a moment...

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 02 Mar 16 15:21:25 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1561-09

    Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <dan@klein.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    Why do people say 11/10? The scale stops at 10.

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Try rating my omniscient knowledge that way. You can't even begin to
    } imagine the difficulty of mapping an infinite set of numbers to a
    } finite scale. You would not even get up as far as zero and you would
    } already be wrong, while I'd be out there way ahead of you in the
    } frumptillions or beyond.
    }
    } As you also should have already known, a similar difficulty arises when
    } you make a naive attempt to accomplish differential calculus on a
    } computer, because your epsilon/delta definition of limit fails at the
    } discontinuity at the boundary between zero and the smallest
    } representable non-zero number.
    }
    } You owe the Oracle (just for the point of illustration) a teensy-weensy
    } portion of eleven tenths of a frumptillion pennies.

    ------------------------------

    Date: Wed, 02 Mar 16 15:21:26 -0500
    From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
    Subject: Internet Oracularity #1561-10

    Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

    The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
    Your question was:

    We know what'll happen if we invent the better mousetrap.

    What are the consequences of inventing the worser mousetrap?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } More mice.

    ------------------------------

    End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1561 ******************************************

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