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Date: Mon, 11 Jan 16 21:01:00 -0500
From: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1559

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1559
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1554 21 votes 47253 25671 04485 04944 13467 24582 15672 13a43 05682 032c4
1554 3.3 mean 2.8 3.0 3.7 3.4 3.7 3.2 3.2 3.2 3.3 3.8

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 11 Jan 16 21:01:01 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1559-01

Selected-By: twchew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Terrible service! I'm not getting any satisfaction from your help desk.
I sent in a question and got a stupid answer (which is NOT
what I was told to expect!) and then I wrote and complained
about the answer, and I got an INSULT!!!

I am highly insulted that you would allow anyone on your staff to
insult me. What sort of idiots do you hire? What sort of
idiots do you take us, your customers to be? You might as
well replace your idiotic staff with random selections from
your customers, and see if they could do a better job!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's still better than what you get from Larry Ellison's Oracle.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 11 Jan 16 21:01:02 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1559-02

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My goshness, you can't be serious.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hardly. I was Sirius last week. Now I'm Aldebaran. Or is that Rigel?
}
} You owe the Oracle two Bootes filled with O'Ryan's Beetle Juice.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 11 Jan 16 21:01:03 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1559-03

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please sing me a song by They Are Almost Certainly Not Dwarfs.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are obviously referring to Zadoc's famous band, Twisted Priester,
} starring Zadoc himself on vocals, Rick, Mike, Christophe, Mark, Otis
} and Tim on guitar[1] and Dave on pot lids. As all of them are Grumpy,
} Sleepy and Dopey I can see that they can easily be confused with
} dwarfs, but note that the remaining four personalities is missing.
}
} Anyway, I hereby leave the stage to the one and only[2] ZADOC!
}
} (*Ahem*)
} It was in the town of London, the year was ninety three
} It was there this Richard Wilson, stepped up and said to me
} How do you do old hobo and how would you like to be
} A honoured and respected priest of the Oracl-e?
}
} He'll furnish you no wages, your transportation too
} If you will but go with me, one summer season through
} But if you should get homesick and back to London flee
} Then He'll furnish you a zotting from the staff of the Oracl-e!
}
} I left the town of London in the merry month of May
} When all the clouds were raining and everything was gray
} With a lifebelt round my shoulders, a-swimming I did go
} Until I reached the Temple out in Bloomingto'!
}
} It was there my pleasures ended and my troubles they began
} The first ZOT storm fell on us, those supplicants how they ran
} Through all the thorns and thistles, us priests had to go
} While the Oracle watched upon us, and Zot us did he do!
}
} Well, when the flight was over, the Oracle would not pay
} To all you happy people, this much I have to say
} Go back to your friends and loved ones, tell others not to be
} A honoured and respected priest of the Oracl-e!
}
} Thank you. Thank you very much!
}
} [1] Unfortunately they could only afford one[3], so they spend most of
} the concerts fighting over it.
} [2] And thank whatever deity you want for that
} [3] Not that they could afford a real guitar either, it's really a
} board with 6[4] rubber bands nailed to it.
} [4] Two of them snapped.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 11 Jan 16 21:01:04 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1559-04

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you: 'Priceless'!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wearing a sixty dollar clown suit to prove it, $60.
}
} You owe The Internet Oracle a clown suit that is built to last, and
} meets his personal taste.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 11 Jan 16 21:01:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1559-05

Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Great orrie in the clouds,
must sing him praises very loud:

So, Dad accidentally put the cat into the sausage machine, or so he
says, and I want to reverse the process.
How can I convert sausages back into my cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, excellent. A problem in physics. I always like to see my
} supplicants attempt physics.
}
} What is needed here is elementary time travel. First let's establish
} what happened. There was the sausage grinder.
}
} GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--GRRRR-
} KACHINK-SPLGGT--GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT
}
} Then there was the cat.
}
} MROWW. PURRR. MROW. PURRRRRRR.
}
} Then the combination.
}
} GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MRO
} WWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-
} MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWW
} WW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWR
} KACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-
} MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKACHINK-SPLGGT--MROWWWWW-MRRROWWWWWWW-HISSS-MWRKAC
} HINK-SPLGGT
}
} Now, grab one hand firmly onto the present, and don't let go until the
} precise moment that we are finished. You'll need your hand on the
} present to return here.
}
} As a side note (rightly on the side, but placed in line in this
} rendition) you should remember that Christmas presents are returnable,
} except for underwear. So if the present to which you wish to return to
} from or of is under, rather than over or above, and is wearing but not
} weary, there may be some difficulty. Fear not, though, because in time
} travel almost anything is possible.
}
} Got a good hold on the present?
}
} Here we go!!!
}
} TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-W
} WWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGG
} LPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWW
} WWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS
} -KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWW
} ORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KNIHCAKRWM-SSSIH-WWWWWWWORRRM-WWWWWORM--TGGLPS-KN
} IHCAK-RRRRG
}
} MROW. PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
}
} The cat is back. You can now...OOPS!
}
} GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--YARRGGHHH-GRRRR-KACHINK-SPLGGT--YARRGGHHH-GRRRR-KA
} CHINK-SPLGGT--YARRGGHHH
}
} Oh dear. You didn't let go fast enough when you came back to the
} present, and you fell into the grinder.
}
} Thank you for giving me a delicious supplicant sausage. I'll have it
} for Christmas dinner.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 11 Jan 16 21:01:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1559-06

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I know about the Peano axioms of arithmetic, but the question on the mathematics final exam says "Piano axioms" instead. Is this merely a
stupid auto-correction that snunck by the TA who wrote the test for
the professor, or is there some secret and hidden subterfuge going on?
Please answer immediately because I have to hand in my answers in 45
minutes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid you'll just have to face the music.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 11 Jan 16 21:01:07 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1559-07

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Do you accept my crystals?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look at that one! 7154 kHz. Formerly useful for novice-band CW amateur
} service in the US, maybe 60 years ago, but no longer.
}
} Besides, I know how to achieve any frequency (or quefrency) that I want
} without any fancy crystal stuff, just by simple exhaling.
}
} Try at Eurnie's Eused Jeunk Eumporium, over on the other side of the
} city. Don't tell him I sent you.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 11 Jan 16 21:01:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1559-08

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Jester to Queen Merchant 7. Your move.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Knave poisons Jester. Check!

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 11 Jan 16 21:01:09 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1559-09

Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

You saw this coming.

Is the new Star Wars any good?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, but this question has been transleptorouted to an incarnation
} who lives on a planet in a galaxy ever further and further away. The
} OLD Star Wars hasn't made it here yet, and we are still watching
} re-runs of Captain Midnight and Rootie Kazootie.
}
} The Oracle will eventually regret having put recruitment posters in
} Rootie Kazootie's dressing room at the WNBT studio.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete story of "Whatever happened to Channel
} One in US Television?"

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 11 Jan 16 21:01:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1559-10

Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please tellme the difference between Noah's Ark, and Noah Fence.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rather difficult to do this without offending you. Finding a difference
} requires mathematics, but you (I know you well) are one of those
} creatures who has trouble with anything larger than the number of your
} fingers.
}
} Let's try, regardless. No offense intended. Mostly.
}
} $ cat >na
} Noah's Ark
} ^D
} $ cat >nf
} Noah Fence
} ^D
} $ od -d na
} 0000000 28494 26721 29479 16672 27506 10
} 0000013
} $ od -d nf
} 0000000 28494 26721 17952 28261 25955 10
} 0000013
} $ dc
} 29479 17952-p
} 11527
} 16672 28261-p
} -11589
} 27506 25955-p
} 1551
} ++pq
} 1489
} $
}
} There you have it! The difference is 1489.

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1559 ******************************************

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