[continued from previous message]

over the lounge floor.
The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman
says, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, I'll lick it off
myself."
"Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "only we're not connected for electricity yet!"

-= sales humor =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------------

A very successful businessman was leaving his office building and saw a small boy sitting on the curb with a dog. The boy yelled at the businessman, "Hey, how would you like to buy a dog."
The man was intrigued by this sales approach and asked the boy, "How much do
you want for your dog."
The boy told him, "Fifty thousand dollars."
"Fifty thousand dollars!" the man repeated in astonishment. "What special tricks does this dog do that he can earn enough money to be worth fifty thousand
dollars?" the man asked the boy.
The boy replied, "Mister, this dog never made a nickel in his life. Manner of
fact, count what he eats I guess you could say you lose money on him every year."
The businessman felt this was a good time to explain economics to the young
man and expounded on how a item had to produce more income than it consumed to
equal a puchase price ending with he might get five dollars from someone who just wanted a companion. Feeling he had imparted a very valuable lesson to the
young man, the businessman went on his way.
A few weeks later, the businessman came out of his office building and the small boy was again sitting on the curb minus the dog. The man said to him, "I
see you took my advise and sold the dog for five dollars."
The boy said, "No, I got fifty thousand dollars for him."
The business man was completely flabbergasted. "How did you ever get fifty
thousand dollars for that dog" he asked.
"It was easy," said the boy. "I traded him for two twenty five thousand dollar cats."

-= sales humor =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------------

The following has been culled from the business pages of the New York Times (Thursday, 5/11)...

Chevy's Answer To Ford's Taurus

Chevy is delivering what it hopes will be its most powerful punch of the decade.
Last month, Chevy began selling its Lumina midsized sedan, a vehicle aimed straight for the heart of the huge United States market for four-door family cars, where the Ford Motor Company has conquered ground so effectively since 1966 with the Ford Taurus and Mercury Sable.
General Motors is not counting on technological wizardry or styling breakthroughs to win over customers from Ford. Rather, it is putting its hopes
on an innovative marketing campaign that calls on Micky Mouse and the rest of the Disney stable to help sell the car.
"We were afraid people might be offended by Mickey and Minnie asking them to
spend as much as $14,000 for a car," [a GM executive] said. "But our testing showed that Mickey and Minnie brought tremendous believability to our product.
Disney characters are very powerful."

-= sales humor =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------------

A few months ago I decided to discontinue my life insurance policy. Granted, it
was pretty cheap (25 bucks a year), but I didn't have the money at the time and
I let the policy expire. Since then I have gotten a letter from them every couple of weeks pleading me to reconsider my decision. In the last letter, I got
from them, they were starting to sound a little pathetic, and they wanted to know what they had done wrong. The vice president himself wanted me to write and
tell him what the problem was. Well, I started to feel a little bad and I decided to write them the following letter:

December 4, 1993

Raymond N. Arel
Vice President
National Benefit Life
Insurance Company

Dear Raymond,

Since I have decided to discontinue my life insurance policy, I have received
many letters urging me to reconsider. I feel I must write a letter to address
your concerns.
I assure you, I have been quite satisfied with the service I have experienced
with the National Benefit Life Insurance program. The reasonable cost and the
option to increase my benefits in the future was a very attractive incentive to
continue doing business with you.
However, recently I have signed a pact with the Unholy One, otherwise known
as Cthulhu (pronounced Kah-thu-lou). For the mere price of my soul, and eternal
damnation, I have been promised domination of the city of my choice after the second coming of the Gods of Hellfire. The offer also included immortality and a
free membership card entitling me to 10% off any purchase at over 10,000 occult
stores nationwide.
As a result, I have changed my name from Adam S. Kajenski, to Yog Sothoth Neblod Zin, and I have moved to the most evil city on Earth, Williston Vermont,
where I dwell in my castle of sin shedding the last vestiges of my human shell.
Now that I am immortal, I feel that life insurance would be a fruitless wast of
money.

Thank you for your concern,
Yog Sothoth Neblod Zin

-= sales humor =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------------

In "The Oregonian", a Meier and Frank department store advertisement for womens
bras and panties reads:

"The perfect gift for that special woman in your life, or great to keep for yourself."

-= sales humor =-= 17 =-------------------------------------------------------

From The Economist of July 8, page 49:

Mensa, the club for "highly intelligent people", advertised a competition in a
children's newspaper. Closing date, June 31st.

-= sales humor =-= 18 =-------------------------------------------------------

Satisfaction guaranteed, or twice your load back. - sign on septic tank truck

-= sales humor =-= 19 =-------------------------------------------------------

Payment Plan

While on a shopping expedition, I mistakenly handed the salesperson my blood donor card to pay for one of my purchases. He looked at it and then gave it back, saying, "That's all right, lady. We still only want money."

-= sales humor =-= 20 =-------------------------------------------------------

With more than 12 billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder that marketers are playing fast and loose with mailing lists. In one particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names
to itself.

-= sales humor =-= 21 =-------------------------------------------------------

From Saturday Night Live:

Happy Fun Ball
only $14.95

Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.

Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.

Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should
not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.

Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.

Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
*Itching
*Vertigo
*Dizziness
*Tingling in extremities
*Loss of balance or coordination
*Slurred speech
*Temporary Blindness
*Profuse sweating
*Heart Palpitations

If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover
head.

Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.

When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and
kept under refrigeration...

Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all
liability.

Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to
Earth, presumably from outer space.

Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being
dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.

Happy Fun Ball
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!

-= sales humor =-= 22 =-------------------------------------------------------

Ever wonder whether anybody could be so dumb as to require instructions telling
them how to play with a Slinky (a children's toy consisting of a large flexible
spring)? Well, in case you were wondering, here are the instructions that come
with one:

To play with slinky in hands:
Hold end coils of Slinky with both hands. Now raise and lower each hand in a rhythmic motion.

To bounce slinky up and down:
Hold a few coils lightly in one hand, allowing rest of Slinky to hang down. Now
in a bouncing motion, move hand slowly up and down.

To walk slinky down incline or slope:
Any board or table top with a non-slip surface will do. Slope surface so rise
equals about 1 foot for every 4 foot length. Place Slinky at top, flip and watch
Slinky start down, end over end.

-= sales humor =-= 23 =-------------------------------------------------------

Seen on an ad for a new product on the market:

Mall Walkers, a $79 pair of sneakers "specially designed" JUST for walking in shopping malls. (Need I say more?)

-= sales humor =-= 24 =-------------------------------------------------------

Sign outside a sporting goods store:

Now is the winter of our discount tents!

-= sales humor =-= 25 =-------------------------------------------------------

Truth in Advertising

Our Sears is undergoing a massive remodeling, which means everything in the store is someplace else, like the men's socks with the luggage. However, they
didn't bother changing the ceiling signs. When the...

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