NEWS: U.S. AND RUSSIA DISCONTINUE NEW JOINT CURRENCY
From Ken Barr@21:1/5 to All on Sun Apr 1 12:57:36 2018
WOW! Just found this shocking announcement posted in the
newsgroup news.announce.government.trump ...
U. S. AND RUSSIA DISCONTINUE NEW JOINT CURRENCY
Washington DC and Moscow Russia, April 1, 2018 (API)
United States Treasury Secretary Stvn Mnchn and Russian Finance Minister
Igor Lyinhisazov announced this morning that the one-year-old joint
US-Russia currency has been discontinued. [REFERENCE: "U. S. AND
RUSSIA ANNOUNCE NEW JOINT CURRENCY", API, April 1, 2017] The joint
currency, called the "dolbe" in the United States and the "rublar" in
Russia, was introduced with great fanfare exactly one year ago
"It is with great sadness that we withdraw from this joint currency."
Mnchn intoned in his usual nasal monotone. "We had great hopes that the
full faith and credit of the United States, backed by the vodka, borscht
and polonium assets of Russia, would provide a stable platform for international commerce. Unfortunately, Russia drank most of their
vodka, ate most of their borscht and used most of their polonium for
'British cocktails', so the United States ended up supporting this
currency by itself." "That is like the ballet," Lyinhisazov responded, "completely Bolshoi! Russia has warehouses full of potatoes and beets
from sea to shining sea, and can easily produce enormous amounts of
vodka and borscht, as soon as we can get some electricity to the
factories. Polonium, unfortunately, is indeed in short supply due to
some unanticipated overuses during this past year."
Mnchn announced significant changes to the coin and currency products.
"The one dolbe/rublar Hilary Clinton / Boris Yeltsin coin will be
discontinued. Even transit systems have almost universally gone to
'smart cards' now, so the coin has become as superfluous as a Democratic
The twenty dolble/rublar note, currently featuring George Washington and Vladimir Lenin, will be replaced with a twenty dollar note featuring the portrait of Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch. "The President wanted
to commemorate something he accomplished during his first year in
office," Mnchn stated, "so there weren't very many ideas to pick from."
The hundred dolble/rublar note, currently featuring First Daughters
Ivanka Trump and Yeoxerina Putin, will be replaced with a hundred dollar
note featuring Donald Trump's son. "Not Don Junior," Mnchn clarified,
"the other one ... whatisname ... Erwin ... Erhard ... whatever."
The thousand dolble/rublar note, currently featuring First Sons Don Jr.
and Garbajescow Putin, will be replaced with a thousand dollar note
featuring a portrait of one of Trump's cabinet members. "It's being reconsidered at this moment." Mnchn admitted, "As of last month, it was
going to show Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, but that got shelved.
Then a new note featuring National Security Advisor H R. McMaster was
planned, but that never even got into the design stage. We were thinking
about Secretary of Veterans Affair David Shulkin, but that's not going
to happen now. If I last through the end of the month, it might end up
with me being on the note. We'll let you know."
The million dolble/rublar note, currently featuring Melania Trump and Lyudimungous Putin, will be replaced with a million dollar not featuring
a woman to be named at a later time. "Let's just say that President
Trump is currently negotiating a few non-disclosure agreements.", Mnchn
added, "and he wants to have a few bargaining chips at the negotiating
table, if you know what I mean."
The billion dolble/rublar note, featuring portraits of Warren Buffet
and Mikhail Khodorkovsky, is being discontinued. "Most people who want
to spend a billion dollars on something write a check these days, or put
it on their Amex black card,", Mnchn admitted, "so the billion
dolbe/rublar note was highly underutilized this past year. In fact,
only three were used -- two by drug cartels to buy South American
countries, and one by Melania to buy a china cabinet for the White House
so she has somewhere to store her Elvis collector plates."
The trillion dolble/rublar note, featuring portraits Ronald Reagan and
Mikhail Gorbachev is also being retired. "We used nineteen of these
notes to buy our country back from China, and two more for purchases so
highly classified that I can't even tell you that we spent two more of
them ... oops ... never mind ... we aren't live here, are we?".
Ken Barr Numismatics email: firstname.lastname@example.org
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