• How the Finnish survive without small talk

    From a425couple@21:1/5 to All on Tue Oct 23 20:37:13 2018
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    When Finns do opt out of casual conversation, it has something to do
    with respect (Credit: Credit: Rolf Adlercreutz/Alamy)
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    How the Finnish survive without small talk

    Their desire for avoidance is a predisposition so common that it’s
    become hard-baked into Finnish culture.

    By Laura Studarus
    17 October 2018
    I met my now best friend Hanna a few years ago during my first visit to Helsinki, on a coffee date set up out of desperation. Without any
    acquaintances in the city, I just wanted someone to sit next to in
    public, and given our tenuous work connection, she fitted the bill. Our
    drink quickly turned into dinner, wrapping up four hours later after
    doing deep dives on politics, religion, sex and life, the kind of topics
    that usually take friends years to address. A year later, I flew back to
    be a bridesmaid at her wedding, still shocked at how fast we forged a connection.

    “Laura,” she told me matter-of-factly when I asked why we had bonded so quickly, “The Finnish don’t believe in talking bullshit.”

    What she neglected to tell me, however, is that Finns think if there’s
    no important topic to discuss, there’s no conversation at all. In fact,
    one of their national sayings is ‘Silence is gold, talking is silver’.

    The Finnish don’t believe in talking bullshit

    Small talk outside social situations between close friends is virtually non-existent. Interactions with baristas? Limited to the name of the
    coffee you want to order. Sitting, walking or standing in a way that
    requires acknowledging a stranger’s presence? Never. (A meme featuring
    people standing outside a bus shelter rather than under it is an
    often-posted joke in Finland to illustrate this point.) If you’re a foreigner, congratulations – you’re probably the loudest person on their often (voluntarily) silent public transport.

    With two million saunas in the country, which are enjoyed fully nude
    (generally gender-segregated, although that rule tends to be thrown out
    in the company of friends), the Finnish seem to have no problem with
    getting up close and personal. But when clothes are on, the bets are off.

    One of Finland’s national sayings is ‘Silence is gold, talking is
    silver’ (Credit: Eric Nathan/Alamy)

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    Finnish people often forgo the conversational niceties that are
    hard-baked into other cultures, and typically don’t see the need to meet foreign colleagues, tourists and friends in the middle. As Tiina
    Latvala, a former English instructor in Sodankylä, Lapland, explained,
    part of her job was to introduce her young students to the concept of
    small talk.

    “We had a practice where you had to pretend to meet someone for the
    first time,” Latvala said. “You had to pretend you were meeting at the
    cafe or on a bus and [that] you didn’t know each other and do a bit of
    chit chat. We had written on the whiteboard all the safe topics so they didn’t have to struggle with coming up with something to talk about. We brainstormed. They usually found it really difficult.”

    Alina Jefremoff, an 18-year-old Finnish student in Helsinki, recalls
    similarly formatted exercises with an air of incredulity. Thanks to
    television and films (which are mostly broadcast in English) she was
    already acquainted with non-Finnish communication styles. Even still,
    she had to endure a series of connect-the-dot-style homework assignments.

    “[They’re] about basic conversation,” she explained. “The answers are already there. We are taught to answer ‘I’m great, how about you?’; ‘How
    is your mum?’. It was very clear how to be in a conversation, as if we didn’t already know. It was very weird… as if there were right answers
    to the questions.”

    Finnish sauna culture shows the Finns have no problem getting personal
    (Credit: Credit: ARCTIC IMAGES/Alamy)
    Finnish sauna culture shows the Finns have no problem getting personal,
    but when clothes are on, the bets are off (Credit: ARCTIC IMAGES/Alamy)
    When asked for an example of how she wishes Finnish society were more
    open, Jefremoff gave the example of doing something ridiculous, like
    dropping her books in the metro, and then laughing at herself. She says
    she wishes that strangers would join her in acknowledging the silliness
    of the situation by laughing or commenting. Initiating social contact
    with people you don’t know? Not something they’ve been taught.

    There are more hypotheses than answers for why Finnish culture has a
    veil of silence permanently stitched in place. Latvala believes their
    trademark directness has something to do with the complexity of the
    Finnish language and the fairly large distance between cities (Latvala’s reasoning: If you’ve travelled any distance to see someone, why waste
    time?).

    However, Prof Laura Kolbe, who teaches European history at the
    University of Helsinki, sees the topic through a comparative lens. The
    Finns, she says, don’t see their quietness or lack of small talk as a negative. Instead, every culture judges another on their social norms,
    hence the widespread stereotype of the silent Finn among more emotive nationalities.

    “The idea of silence has been especially prevalent when Finns were seen
    from the eyes of close neighbours,” she explained. “For example, when Swedish- and German-speaking people came to Finland in the past, they
    saw Finns as silent citizens, wondering why the people didn’t speak any Swedish or German and rather remained silent among their guests.”

    When Finns do opt out of casual conversation, it has something to do
    with respect (Credit: Rolf Adlercreutz/Alamy)

    It isn’t for lack of skill, for Finland has two national languages – Finnish and Swedish – and Finns begin English lessons when they’re six
    or seven. But rather it’s because when faced with expressing themselves
    in second (or third) language, many often choose to not say anything
    rather than risk not being fully understood. However, when among their
    own, silence functions as an extension of comfortable conversation.

    It’s an idea that’s backed up by Dr Anna Vatanen, a researcher at the University of Oulu, whose forthcoming study ‘Lapses in interaction and
    the stereotype of the Silent Finn’ demonstrates that at least among
    their own, Finns do communicate through comfortable silence –
    particularly among familiars. When it comes to outsiders judging the stereotypically straightforward Finn, she warns that some nuances do get
    lost in translation.

    “It’s not about the structure or features of the language, but rather
    the ways in which people use the language to do things,” she explained
    via email. “For instance, the ‘how are you?’ question that is most often placed in the very beginning of an encounter. In English-speaking
    countries, it is mostly used just as a greeting and no serious answer is expected to it. On the contrary, the Finnish counterpart (Mitä kuuluu?)
    can expect a ‘real’ answer after it: quite often the person responding
    to the question starts to tell how his or her life really is at the
    moment, what’s new, how they have been doing.”

    Among fellow Finns, silence functions as an extension of comfortable conversation (Credit: Credit: Stephen Saks Photography/Alamy)

    But when Finns do opt out of casual conversation, says Karoliina
    Korhonen, author of Finnish Nightmares, a book and online comic series
    where an ‘average’ Finn deals with life’s most benign terrors, it also has something to do with respect. Why risk making someone else feel uncomfortable?

    “I like to think Finnish people value personal space,” she notes. “If
    you don’t know another person, you don’t want to bother them. They might
    be having their own time or they don’t want a stranger to come bother
    them. If you see they’re open and you both are open, you can have
    something. But most of the time people are polite and keep their distance.”

    But their desire for avoidance is a predisposition so common that it’s
    become hard-baked into Finnish culture. Formula One driver Kimi
    Räikkönen has built his iconic image around his lack of talking. Comics
    use the Finn’s lack of small talk as part of their routine. It’s even
    gone international: thanks to the unexpected spike in popularity of Korhonen’s work in China, teens there who don’t enjoy social
    interactions are describing themselves as ‘spiritually Finnish’.

    Finns think if there’s no important topic to discuss, there’s no conversation at all (Credit: Credit: Nataliia Rumiantseva/Alamy)
    Finns think if there’s no important topic to discuss, there’s no conversation at all (Credit: Nataliia Rumiantseva/Alamy)
    In some cases, though, Finnish society seems to be trending toward a
    marginally more open existence. However, it’s happening slowly. For
    Jussi Salonen, COO of Finnish chocolate company Goodio, living in Los
    Angeles for two years made him wish he could import a bit more of the
    US’ open spirit to his home country.

    “When I was [back] in Finland, I was almost offended when I went to get
    a cup of coffee from a coffee shop and they didn’t say anything,” he recalled. “It was just ‘what do you want?’. How can you say that? Are
    you not going to ask anything before that? Oh, yeah. This is my home
    country. This is just the way things are. It was funny to notice how
    things got twisted a little bit when I was living over there… I think a little bit of communication or small talk doesn’t hurt.”

    It’s a hopeful idea that Finns can meet the rest of the world in the
    middle while respecting each other’s privacy. But for now, it leaves
    Finland with one of the most interesting social dichotomies. Sure, you
    might not speak to people on the street. But if you’re lucky, sometimes
    a stranger will instantly become a friend and tell you everything.

    Why We Are What We Are is a BBC Travel series examining the
    characteristics of a country and investigating whether they are true.

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